For the past few weeks, life has gotten the better of me.
Work and home have been hectic, but no more than normal.
Something else is wrong.
I’ve stopped blogging (until now, obviously). Twitter is all but a memory. I have 287 unread posts from some of the most amazing people that I can’t even find the energy to read. I haven’t really spoken to friends. My mum forgets my voice I’m sure, it’s been that long since I’ve called. I don’t read emails. I ignore my husband. I sleep through most weekends and can’t bring myself to leave the house at times.
I feel hurt. I feel empty. I feel like crying but lack the care factor to do so.
I don’t care.
Everyone’s always angry with me. I can’t do anything right.
I’m lost.
Again.
I’m so sick of feeling useless. Feeling guilty. Feeling angry. Disgusted with myself.
I’m sinking.
I’ve lost interest.
I’m struggling to find five minutes of peace to myself. It’s just not there. I don’t have any time. This post alone has taken me 4 hours.
I’m over everything. I’ve got nothing left to give.
There’s nothing left within me. No energy. No hope. Sometimes no love.
I don’t need help. I need space.
I don’t know about anything anymore.
Nothing’s certain.
KRISTIN says:
October 25, 2010 at 1:30 pm
Oh honey, depression is such a treacherous, slippery slope. Is there someone you can ask for help or someone you feel comfortable talking to? My prayers are with you.
MAMAC says:
October 25, 2010 at 8:22 pm
I am right there with you. I deleted my twitter and went private on my blog. My posts were getting way too hardcore.
I know I’m depressed, but why does this have to happen to me and to you, while our partners are A-ok. Because the burden of Motherhood and all that it entails lies squarely upon our shoulders.
We can get through this, though.
Talking about it is a good first step.
Peace to you <3
midwestmusings says:
October 25, 2010 at 2:08 pm
Thank you for posting.
Two things: One, this may be depression. When I was diagnosed with depression, I didn’t believe it was true. I wasn’t sad. I just didn’t care about anything. Nothing made me happy. Nothing made me sad. I was just walking through my life not caring enough about anything to feel any emotion. I said I would try the meds but didn’t believe they would work (because I didn’t believe I was depressed.) Well, they did work. It really helped me get back on track when I needed it.
Two: I raised three kids. I know how you NEVER have a moment without someone calling out “mom?”, hanging all over you, needing something, or having a crisis. One year for Mother’s Day I asked for a weekend away by myself. I planned it about a month ahead of time. Left Friday night when hubby got home. Spent the entire weekend in a hotel (cheap but safe) about an hour away from home. Spent a lot of time at a state park near the hotel, thinking, writing, reading. The best part was that I could sleep in, be up in the middle of the night, eat a meal when I chose to. No demands, no being pulled in a hundred different directions. When the weekend ended I was refreshed, rested, had worked through some issues I had been fretting about, and was so happy to see my family again. My taking that weekend away was good for my WHOLE family, not just me. Maybe you could do whatever it takes to make your own weekend getaway plans? I hope you do. You deserve some rest and peace.