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Just yesterday I was reading posts at this site. Shedding sympathetic tears and yet at the same time being so grateful that I had nothing to post here. My gratefulness was premature.

For all intense and purposes, my grandfather died at 8:30 last night. He actually died at 6:20 this morning.

At 8:30 last night my grandfather shot himself in the head. Even after that and being on no life support it took the rest of his body 10 hours to die. 10 hours that my father and mother waited at the hospital all the while knowing that what they were waiting for was a pronouncement of death for my father’s father.

When my mom called me last night, I knew intelligently, that my mom calls my pop-pop “Pop”, and when she called I could tell by her tone that something had happened. Someone had died and at 91, my grandfather was – of course – the most logical answer.  But he was healthy. Healthier than most men 10 years his junior and his mind was sharp as a tack, but I knew that it had to be him. However, when I heard the words “Pop shot himself tonight.”

I was thrown immediately into an hysterical state and just started screaming, “Pop-pop or my dad?!?!?  Pop-pop or my dad?!?!?”

I’m numb. I’m at work today because I need normal. I need routine. When I actually stop and really think about it, my body shuts down and I go into a near catatonic state. My body’s defenses are too high right now. Too ready to go into flight mode. I need normal. For at least today.

But nothing will ever be normal again. My grandfather killed himself. And my aunt who lives with him was home at the time. I don’t know what to think.  I’m devastated. I’m angry. And I feel so awful for my dad. Beyond awful.

When dad called me this morning to tell me that Pop-pop had finally passed away, he broke down and asked me not to hate Pop-pop.  Which I never could.  I loved that man more than anything.  He asked to please not think less of him.  And I don’t.  Then he asked me to please not be angry at Pop-pop.  I told him I wasn’t.  I told him I didn’t understand, but that I wasn’t angry.

I hope it’s not always wrong to lie.

If you or anyone you know is feeling suicidal, please remember that suicide is never the answer.
Call the National Suicide Hotline (US): 1-800-273-8255