Just yesterday I was reading posts at this site. Shedding sympathetic tears and yet at the same time being so grateful that I had nothing to post here. My gratefulness was premature.
For all intense and purposes, my grandfather died at 8:30 last night. He actually died at 6:20 this morning.
At 8:30 last night my grandfather shot himself in the head. Even after that and being on no life support it took the rest of his body 10 hours to die. 10 hours that my father and mother waited at the hospital all the while knowing that what they were waiting for was a pronouncement of death for my father’s father.
When my mom called me last night, I knew intelligently, that my mom calls my pop-pop “Pop”, and when she called I could tell by her tone that something had happened. Someone had died and at 91, my grandfather was – of course – the most logical answer. But he was healthy. Healthier than most men 10 years his junior and his mind was sharp as a tack, but I knew that it had to be him. However, when I heard the words “Pop shot himself tonight.”
I was thrown immediately into an hysterical state and just started screaming, “Pop-pop or my dad?!?!? Pop-pop or my dad?!?!?”
I’m numb. I’m at work today because I need normal. I need routine. When I actually stop and really think about it, my body shuts down and I go into a near catatonic state. My body’s defenses are too high right now. Too ready to go into flight mode. I need normal. For at least today.
But nothing will ever be normal again. My grandfather killed himself. And my aunt who lives with him was home at the time. I don’t know what to think. I’m devastated. I’m angry. And I feel so awful for my dad. Beyond awful.
When dad called me this morning to tell me that Pop-pop had finally passed away, he broke down and asked me not to hate Pop-pop. Which I never could. I loved that man more than anything. He asked to please not think less of him. And I don’t. Then he asked me to please not be angry at Pop-pop. I told him I wasn’t. I told him I didn’t understand, but that I wasn’t angry.
I hope it’s not always wrong to lie.
Thinking of you today. I can’t imagine how it must feel, but I know it must suck.
My brother committed suicide. I’m still angry with him and it’s been five years. I keep hoping that feeling will pass but it hasn’t yet. It’s okay to be angry, how can you not?
You will get through this. I know how you are feeling, because my grandfather attempted suicide, but he lived, only to die the following year due to complications brought on by his suicide attempt.
I was absolutely furious, because he and I were two peas in a pod. I even refused to see him when he finally woke up in ICU and asked to see me. It’s not wrong to be angry with him. Anger is almost always a secondary emotion; it’s like a knee-jerk reflex our brains use to protect us from the harder underlying emotion.
I won’t say that you will get over this, because you probably won’t. But you will get through this, and you will heal, though I think of it more of like a “scabbing over” of the wound, rather than a true healing. It’s crusty and it still hurts and it kinda itches from time to time, but the suffocating pain and despair eventually dulls a little.
Sending you my thoughts and prayers
I wish I could give you a big hug in person and just hold you and let you cry. As a survivor of a loved ones suicide I know the drop to your knees feeling you must be having.
Right now you just need to remember to breathe.
Big big hugs to you right now. May your grandfather be resting in the arms of the angels.
Keeping your family in my thoughts
have no words… I just want to be able to hug you and let you cry
I have no words to make what your feeling make sense, or make the pain go away, but I offer you my heartfelt sympathy and all the love I have to give. Keep your head up sweetie and know that you have so many people that are really here for you. My thoughts are with you.
Oh sweetie (((hugs))) I wish I could wrap you up and hug you and make it all go away. Thoughts and prayers are with you and your family now and always.
And we, The Band, are here for you. Your voice is heard and it’s ok to be angry and hurt.
You poor thing! There is nothing any of us can say other than how sorry we are! I can’t imagine what your going through . I am here if you need to talk. Twitter name is @tars1987 xxxx
I am so very sorry for your loss. A dear friend is struggling with the recent attempted suicide of her sister, and it weighs heavily on my heart. My thoughts are with you and your family, as well as the other heart-broken survivors of suicide.
Suicide is very difficult to process, and you will struggle in new ways each day. I urge you to take advantage of compassionate shoulders to lean on and ears to listen to your thoughts. Just know that whatever it is you’re feeling is not wrong. There will be anger, and deep sadness, and other emotions you can’t explain or justify. Just know that those feelings are okay. Big hugs to you.
am so sorry for your loss. No one knows what drives a person to take their own life.
I know you love your Grandfather and the best thing is to just keep loving him. Remember the wonderful things about him and feel that feeling if you can right now..or when you’re ready.
All the love and all the best to you, ~~ Mimzy
I’m so sorry.
(quiet loving thoughts to you as you go through this shock)
It’s been over 20 years since my husband committed suicide. and I am still occasionally angry. Not so much with him any longer, but angry with his decision that took so much from me – safety – security – the ability to love without bounds.
Grief after suicide is a funny thing. It doesn’t look quite like “normal” grief, and getting through it, whichever way you need to, is perfectly “right” – even if it involves being a little less than honest with others experiencing the same grief.
’m so sorry. I’m just so sorry.
So, so sorry for your loss. Big hugs to you.
I’m so sorry for your loss. I can’t imagine how hard this must be. Sending hugs your way
I can remember the exact moment I found out my cousin shot himself. Just typing it has me in tears.
I am deeply sorry. (((HUGS))) We’re here for you!
I am so very sorry for your loss and I think you did an incredibly kind thing when you told that lie.
It’s hard to understand why someone would take the life God has given them. It seems selfish and self centered, which is what prompts our anger. Depression or other issues sometimes seem to be too much to handle for someone is maybe why they commit suicide, but if only people would remember that there are people who care and want to help no matter how bad it may seem. My sympathy to you.
My husband killed himself earlier this year so I can understand your pain and shock.
Know this though — every single moment of every single day after that “day” is a moment of healing.
Life will never be the same, but it will be more precious, more treasured and more amazing.
The joint experiences of all of us suicide survivors who have gone before you have forged a path in what seems like the darkest place. Rest easy knowing that we have survived and thrived and so will you.
I am so so so sorry :*( I wish I knew what to say but I don’t. *HUGS* We’re all here for you.
Thinking of your family and sending you psychic hugs.