Always when I least expect it, something will stop me right in my tracks and make me yearn to see my father again or just hear his voice one more time.
I think they’re called grief attacks and they come out of nowhere; it might be a song on the radio, an expression on Lucas’ face, or a memory that flashes through my mind in the middle of doing something totally unrelated.
Luckily, these “attacks” usually only lasts a few minutes but they take my breath away and I don’t see them ending any time soon.
Recently I was waiting for my suitcase in the baggage claim area at the airport and I saw a man with a beat up old briefcase between his legs that looked just like my dad’s. I couldn’t stop staring at it.
A briefcase that I keep in my closet because I don’t know what else to do with it.
A briefcase that I have only been able to open a handful of times because it physically hurts too much.
A briefcase that is filled with my dad’s scent, his check books, keys, business cards notes to himself and wallet.
I hate that god damned briefcase and I miss the man that carried it.
I lost my dad 13 years ago and I know exactly how you feel right down to the briefcase. It was one of the few things I was able to hold onto of his, but I have an incredibly hard time looking at it.
I’ll be driving along perfectly fine and some random song will come on that makes me think about him and I feel like I’m going to hyperventilate from the pain.
A lot of people don’t understand why after all these years I can’t just get over it, I don’t know how to explain it to them but it’s impossible to just get over the loss of someone that meant so much to me. My dad was amazing and even if I live to be 100 I don’t think I’ll ever stop missing him.
Thank you for your post it helps to know I’m not alone in these feelings.
I completely agree, excepting it’s my grandfather and it’s his straight razor shaving stuff. I can smell it when I close my eyes and think hard about it. I wish I had it. I miss him.
Sending you all of my love. ALL of it.