But this site…This site makes me realize, once again, that I really do need help. I was working backwards through the categories, because I am a rebel like that. I click on Surviving, and what do I see, but Trauma Resources. And I was like, okay, let’s read that because I probably don’t need to know about Murder Resources, Military Matters, or Rape.
“Emotional trauma may be caused by a one-time event, like a rape, or from ongoing stress, like living with a chronic illness.”
Huh. I have a chronic illness or 10. All mental. Do those count?
- Depression since I was a child, not a teen or even preteen. Child.
- Debilitating anxiety that makes it so that I cannot handle any form of outside work, unless it has a well-defined and very soon end date
- Aunt Becky’s descriptions of her son’s “autistic-ey behaviors” have made me suspect that maybe my mom hasn’t been telling doctors and child psychologists everything about me, because I see a WHOLE LOT of me in the descriptions.
And hey, stress? You betcha. My fiance and I live on about 25 hours a week worth of minimum wage. We had to cut our food budget this year to make it so that I did feel so ridiculously guilty for not being able to give my family anything but the same mediocre homemade jewelry I have given them since I was about 13. My depression and anxiety make our relationship tumultuous, because you can’t really expect a 22-year old with 2 previous relationships under his belt to be able to take a step back and see through my actions and know what is going on. My mom insists on being the EXACT amount of bitchy and annoying to make me feel guilty for wanting her completely out of my life one week, and calling her because I’m sick the next.
Symptoms of Trauma:
- Guilt
- Shame
- Sadness
- Inability to concentrate
- Anxiety, edginess, racing heartbeat
- Numbness, withdrawing from people
- Insomnia, nightmares
- Muscle aches
Okay, that’s all but one…umm…This is not boding well, is it?
The nightmares? Oh yeah, those have been almost nightly for about a year now. Always different. Sometimes perfectly rational, sometimes not.
Muscle aches? My back causes me constant pain. All day. Every day. Doctors have no suggestions.
But trauma? From what, really? Even I can’t place what I am going through that is so awful, and I am often a big drama queen about my own shit.
There are more pressing things too. Things that I have never ever said to anyone ever. Things I think of that fit in perfectly with my “symptoms” but that I can’t find in my memory to place somewhere on the time line.
Sex hurts. A lot. Like, once I blacked out in the bathroom because we hadn’t had sex in a week or two and so it hurt even more than usual. Doctors have told me nothing more than, “Well he should be more gentle” by looking at where I tell them it hurts. Gentle hurts more because it is longer. The internet tells me that something being in there often enough should make it go away. Not likely, seeing how I have had sex plenty of times and it still hurts like hell. Or with lubrication. Yeah, thanks, but that’s not the problem either. The actual size of the hole is the problem.
It is getting worse. If I go 2 days without having sex, it will hurt every time for a month again. Right now, if I tried, I would bleed. Lots.
For a while we just..stopped. For a few months. Probably 4 or 5, because he is really the most understanding guy out there.
It got even worse. Every time we started to get any form of intimate, even if it was just kissing, I felt like I had been kicked in the crotch. My mind raced constantly, because, yeah anxiety makes me unreasonable. “what if I was circumcised as a baby and nobody told me?” (impossible I think, due to the dreaded “mirror test” and certain feelings it has emitted.)
By far, my only logical explanation is that something happened to me when I was a kid. I don’t remember much from my childhood, aside from small specific conversations and situations.
And that is the part that nobody knows.
I am completely convinced I suffered some kind of sexual abuse as a child. I don’t know by whom.
I don’t know where the question is in all of this. Maybe the question is “what the fuck do I do about this?” because I honestly don’t know.
I can’t talk to friends. I literally have none. I knew one girl who lived in this city, and we haven’t spoken in months. We haven’t made plans since the beginning of the year, or maybe early spring. We were never close enough to discuss this either.
People I know: My fiance, my mom, my family – grandparents, an Aunts, an Uncle, and a Cousin who is 12 years old – and technically a dad, but one who has been ignoring me for several months. All summer, at the very least.
None of these are people I could talk to about this, unless I had some sort of concrete evidence as opposed to this “bad feeling” I am letting disrupt my life right now. I tried about 10 different medications for anxiety and depression. Nothing got better. I gained half my mass in 3 months and am now even worse off.
The same thing that kept me alive last year between this time of year and the end of December is doing it again this year. I can’t kill myself. People have already started buying my birthday and Christmas presents.
What would they do with them if I died?
Prankster, your post breaks my shriveled blackened heart and I wish that I were closer so I could give you a big fat hug. I’m glad that you reached out to us here at Band Back Together. I hope that you can find some peace here. We can love you. We will love you. That’s why we’re all here.
A good lot of us understand trauma in one way or another and I’m sure you have plenty of people nodding their heads at your story. You’re spot on. You do need to talk about this.
As Your Aunt Becky, I take your words about suicide very seriously. I’m concerned. You’re worth more than that and no problems can swallow you up whole. We’re here to fight our dragons, and we’re not going to let you down. You are loved.
That said, there is work that we can help you with and work that has to be done with someone qualified to handle the sorts of traumas you’ve been through. If medication hasn’t helped, talk therapy may be the approach to try. A good therapist can help. Keep trying them until you find one you like.
There is no need to live in darkness when the light is so warm. You can be in the light. I promise.
If you are feeling suicidal, please call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 1-800-273-8255
If it is an emergency, please go to the emergency room now. We don’t want to lose you.
Suicide is not the answer.
Much Love,
Aunt Becky (and her band of Merry Pranksters)
Dear friend ~ as Aunt Becky said You Are Loved! Please continue to reach out. We are all hear to listen & comfort you.
{{{HUGS}}}
I can relate. I don’t remember any specific childhood abuse, but had suspicions. The night I lost my virginity to a random guy (but willingly), as soon as we started I freaked the fuck out, dissociated, all that good stuff.
I hope you find what you’re looking for.
t seem that yes, you have suffered some form of trauma and the only way you’ve been able to handle it is to suppress the memory. I think you have Post Traumatic Stress. You can find help for this. Talk to a therapist and I’ve given this advice before, go to a doctor the same gender as yourself, one that can relate.
As for the anxiety, I hear you on that. Klonopin can help and so can therapy. I know it’s hard, but instead of letting the “grip” of anxiety take hold, try to take a brisk walk. Your instinct when anxiety attack is to grip yourself and “ride it out”. Don’t do that. I don’t know why getting your heart rate up helps but it does, trust me.
NO suicide. There IS help. There IS hope.
With Love and All the Best, ~~Mimzy
Oh Prankster, I wish I was there because we could talk and I would listen to anything you wanted to say. In fact, if you want to talk, Aunt Becky has my phone number. I don’t know you but I do care. I have a dear friend who went through pain with sex for years and years. If her case, it wasn’t sexual abuse but something very different (still a psychological cause) that caused the pain. I have NO doubt what you are going through is real and I just wish I lived close enough to help.
I can identify with a lot of what you’re going through. For more than a decade, I’ve been chasing some kind of invisible ghost in my past, feeling like there’s a hidden trauma I can’t remember.
For me, though, several years of going to therapy, throwing open mental closets and scouring the darkest reaches of my mind has shown me that there *is* no trauma hidden away. Instead, there are a number of critical, key moments in my childhood and adolescence which each had a huge mental impact, and when they all hang out together in the back of my head, they become one big hulking monster that feels like something more concrete.
I’m not saying this is the case for you, though I sincerely hope you don’t discover abuse in your past. Just letting you know that there are alternative possibilities.
I don’t want to hijack your comments, but I’m happy to talk more if you want to send me an email 🙂
And please, please- don’t hurt yourself. People care about you more than you realise. You have huge worth in the world just because you’re you. Don’t ever forget it.
What Becky said. You can and will have friends–you just needed to turn to the right place to find them. Here, specifically.
Many strong hugs.
n the sex thing, please, keep checking with doctors until you find one who will LISTEN, because it could be something that can be treated. (This is one site I found that might help: http://www.sexwithoutpain.com/)
On the other, please, please don’t kill yourself. If it will help, you can contact me, and I’ll even be glad to talk to you over IMs or on the phone, or whatever until you can get to or reach out to somebody with way better knowledge on how to help you. I’d be willing to bet that everybody else reading here feels the same.
I’m sure it doesn’t seem that way now, but it WILL GET BETTER. I have been in similar places, and I know how hard it is to see the light at the end of the tunnel, and hope it’s a freaking train to end it. YOU ARE LOVED! You are lovable. And you are importa
Reading this broke my heart. I hope that you are able to find someone around you that you can talk to. Aunt Becky is right, your dragons can be fought. You are not alone. Ever. We are always here! Thank you for having the courage to tell your story. Keep coming back.
Sending thoughts of warm light to you!
and Lots of hugs!
Just a note from another concerned Prankster…sending you love, and wishing you peace and strength.
suffer all the same anxiety and depression symptoms, and have vulvar pain called vulvodynia (which is basically a bullshit general term meaning vulvar pain).
I know a condition called vaginismus can make the vaginal msucles contract in succession or stay totally tensed up. The doctors like to say that it is because of previous sexual trauma or a mental block. But by God, the symptoms are legitimate and awful.
The recommended treatment is to use the smallest size of dildo or vibe to do very very gentle tapping to 12, 3, 6, and 9 o’clock over a SUPER long period of time to help things learn that not everything that gets near the vaginal opening will be painful.
They can prescribe meds, too, but it sounds like you are already on the types they associate with vaginismus.
I am supposed to be doing internal physiotherapy work for my pain, because my pelvic floor is wound like a spring and everything hurts, including touching the outer skin. My sex life is hell.
If you want to message or want any more info, let me know. You are not alone. I don’t know if I can post this, but try the Happy Pelvis forum on Yahoo Groups for some additional support. There are others, too.
And if this isn’t at all related to your problems, good luck in finding someone to help. You aren’t alone. I am telling you personally.