Holidays have not been easy for me for a long time due to family issues between my wife and my parents.  That was unpleasant but tolerable. Details of that are completely different story.

Bringing our first and only child into the world helped.  I could now find joy in watching him open his gifts on Christmas morning, seeing the same joy in his eyes that I felt as a kid during the holiday season.

We had the same ritual for 4 years – stress over the holidays, money, buying gifts and so on. But it was all worth it to watch Kaden open his gifts and enjoy Christmas.

This year the holidays have gone back to “full suck mode.”  You see, our beloved only child of almost 5 years old passed away in January 2010 of unknown causes.  Doctors are unable to explain exactly why the life of our child was taken from us so suddenly.

I never thought anything could change your life more than bringing a child into the world.  I now know that losing that child changes your life even more.  Life continues on around you but somehow you are unable to keep up.  The same problems, and struggles you had before are now magnified by the constant pain, sorrow and discomfort in your heart.

Going through our first holiday season without Kaden is really taking its toll on us as well as our entire family.  Some people understand why we don’t want to leave the house to visit friends and family and gather for holidays just like we used to, but it seems that some are just flat out offended and hurt that you decide you are not emotionally capable of attending family holiday celebrations.

I hope that some day the pain will weaken enough to allow a somewhat normal lifestyle but for now, we are broken.