A figure appeared in the darkness. In the gleam of the moonlight, I knew it was her, the woman who gave me life. She was small but managed to overwhelm the room with her haughty pride. Her words always cut. They were sharp. The wounds were deep.
They pour out of me and saturate my speech, my art, my work, my relationships.
“What the fuck do you want!?” I demand.
She stands still, as if waiting to pounce. Even silence is a weapon.
“You don’t belong here.” I explain.
Why is she still here? Why can’t I be rid of her?
She never wanted me. I didn’t belong to her.
I was in her way.
She was compelled by her narcissism, there was no room for anyone or anything else. She hated me for being born, for taking up time and resources. She would have easily sold me if it meant she would now be supreme, the fairest of all. She was the monster in my closet.
She had compassion and love for a few. She left none for me. She made me feel undeserving.
Every time my mother saw me, she realized her mortality, her own demise. She hated me for my youth. She couldn’t stand that I was a specimen of beauty and each day it grew; it was going to outshine her.
She knew that. She couldn’t control it.
So she controlled how I felt about myself. She made sure I knew I was ugly.
She told me every day, “You’re so ugly!” She wished I was a boy. Boys were better.
She didn’t have to compete with boys; she could manipulate them more easily.
She didn’t place value on my academic achievements; to her, I was worthless and stupid.
She didn’t graduate high school. She hated me for having opportunities she never did. She tried desperately to hold me back from being successful at anything.
I was the Repunzel in this warped retelling of the story.
The mother (the witch) had fallen from the high tower and was blinded by the thorn brush she herself harvested. Now she’s an aimless spirit, wandering the halls of my home. She wrestles with an unknown assailant as Jacob wrestled with the angel. She’s asking me for something, but she can’t speak.
Is it forgiveness?
Is she asking me for my blessing?
If I do forgive her and let her go, does this mean I’m free?
Will I ever be free?