I’ve battled depression since I was a teen. I didn’t know what it was until late into my twenties. I just felt as if something was wrong with me or like I was a bad person.
I’ve been on medication for the last year. It was working. Working really well. My mood had greatly improved. I was no longer hearing a baby cry random times of the day. My anxiety had lessened. But the last couple of months it’s stopped working. I thought I was just in a funk. It happens from time to time. When I’m in a funk, I feel down and I lose all interest in housework, my kids, my husband, and my life in general. The one thing that keeps me going is school. I love going to school. I love doing the homework. It gives me purpose.
I started to feel down this summer.
I don’t have any friends. People say “you must have some friends,” but the truth is: I haven’t had a friend in over 10 years. When I met my husband it was wonderful. He was my friend and that was all I needed. Truthfully, I think I need more friends. I need someone to connect with. Someone to talk to besides him. I hate this feeling of being alone. I know my anxiety keeps me from talking to people and I need to work on it.
I was in therapy the first seven months that I was taking my medication. My counselor thought I was doing wonderfully. I wanted to be doing wonderfully. But the truth is, I was still having anxiety. Anxiety about leaving the house. About meeting new people. About about being a good enough parent or spouse.
I’m back to the dark place. I’m having thoughts of suicide again. Sometimes, I think sometimes everyone would be better off without me. I’ll think of how easy it would be to wreck my car while I’m driving to school so everyone would just think it was an accident.
I know I need to change my meds again. I need to call and set an appointment up. But I have anxiety about that, too. I don’t want to admit I am a failure. That once again I am not okay. And I worry, what if they don’t believe me? What if I am just overreacting?
What if I get in to see the doctor and I don’t have enough courage to say what I’ve said here?
(ed note: why don’t you bring this post in with you if you’re afraid you can’t talk about it? Any doctor will take you seriously.
Much, much love. Please remember that suicide is never, ever the answer. The Dark Place is a place that many of us have been before. There is hope.
If you are seriously considering suicide, this is the phone number for the National Suicide Prevention Hotline:
Please know that you are loved. And you are never alone.)
I’ve been in this exact same place. Only I took myself off meds because I thought I didn’t need them. I know how hard it is to make that appointment. You are not a failure.
This is what my doctor said to me … “If you had bad eye sight would you not wear glasses?”
Depression is a disease just like any other disease, the doctor will most certainly believe you and if not get another one.
I’ve been taking Pristiq (spelling??) since June and it’s done wonders.
Please please don’t drive off the road.
You are loved. So loved.
There must have been something in the air this summer, because I was experiencing the same things you were. I went back on my meds this fall and I feel better. I know you will find the strength to go out and do what is right for you. Hugs.
You matter. You matter to your spouse and child(ren) your family. You matter to me even though we haven’t met. I have struggled with depression. I KNOW how hard it is to make that call. Just do it, without thinking too long about it. Just pick up the phone and call. Meds needing to be adjusted/changed is very common! You have not failed. You just need to let the doctor know exactly what is going on so you can make whatever adjustments are neccessary. It took several meds/dosage changes for me to find the one that works best for me. Please, take a deep breath and call. We are here for you.
Oh honey… if it would help you, I’d get into my car right now and drive over to give you a hug. You are NOT a failure, and you WOULD BE missed so much more than you can know.
Thanks everyone. I finally told my husband how I have been feeling and he was very supportive. I called the doctor and set up an appointment. Too much has been going on in my life and I really can’t handle it. I really felt the love from each of you and will try to stay strong.
Thanks for all the comments. They made me cry
If you ever question the love that is out there for you, spend some time here. trust me, I know. And I have been where you are and i know exactly how it feels ( I know that sounds trite and you may want to kick me in the taco but over here at BBT, when we say that, we mean it). But you are not alone. And needing to find friends once you are out of high school is a sucky feeling because how do you do that ? And it doesn’t replace being able to meet up with someone for coffee but consider all of us your friends. We are here for you, Im sure you can find one of us at any time of day and you dont even have to wear pants. You are loved and needed and it will get better.
I have been there. Oh yes, I have been exactly where you are. You are not alone. Please believe that. I hope you know that your life IS worth living. You have a purpose.
Please go back to your therapist. Print off what you wrote and give it to them. That way you don’t even have to say it.
I know it’s hard but try to believe that it gets better. Because it does. Depression is a manageable disorder and you CAN and WILL get better. You just have to find the correct diagnosis and treatment
You’re not alone, hunny. I know how you feel, trust me when I say that. And then trust me when I tell you that suicide is NOT the answer. I know the logical part of your mind tells you that, but I know that the part of your heart that hurts so bad tells that logical part of your brain to shove it. The world, your family, would not be better off without you. They’d be lost. Several years ago, I thought the world would be better off without me, that I was holding everyone back. I attempted suicide. When I woke up from the coma, my dad was sitting on the end of my bed. He was crying. My amazing, military man father was sitting on the end of my bed crying. I knew then that I was loved and I could and would get better. I don’t want you to have to stare death in the face to find that out. You’re a beautiful, wonderful person and you CAN tell your doctor what you’ve told us. You can.