I think I may have finally reached my breaking point.
I know deep down that I need help. I can’t carry this weight alone or it will crush me. I know what I should do. But, when I think about my options, I talk myself out of it. I tell myself to suck it up because I have to be strong. I tell myself I can’t get counseling. When? How would I make time for it? I have three kids and work a full time job. I have to take my daughter to dance class twice a week. My schedule just doesn’t allow it.
But, I need something…someone. For the past year I have held everything in. Tried to stay strong. I just don’t think I can do it anymore.
Last night I had an argument with my mother and grandmother because I feel like they blame me. They expect me to fix things that I just can’t fix. They tell me I am not fighting hard enough. But, I honestly don’t know what else I can do.
I was told I must not care about my kids to allow this to continue. But, I am not a judge. I don’t get to make the final decisions. Plus, we haven’t even gone to court yet. How can I do more?
I was told I don’t care because I don’t “look” upset. But, they don’t feel the pain I have inside. They don’t see me sitting up at night unable to sleep because of all of the thoughts and fears going through my head. I act strong. I don’t allow anyone to see the pain because honestly ,I don’t see what good it would do.
And now, I finally feel completely alone. The support I thought I had has slipped away, and now all I see is judgment and criticism. It hurts. But, just like everything else in my life, I don’t know how to fix it. I don’t know that it can be fixed.
SKINNY SUSHI says:
October 22, 2010 at 5:48 pm
I am so sorry for your pain and your struggle. You should see if you can find a counselor close to your job and go on your lunch. I used to do that once a week and no one ever even had to know I was seeing someone if I didn’t want them to.
CHASTITY says:
October 22, 2010 at 5:53 pm
All I can say is I’m sorry. I wish I could give you a hug and let you spill it all out to me. I’m the same way, I don’t like to tell anyone when things get tough. It seems so much easier to try to solve it myself, but in the long run I just hurt myself by keeping it in. Sometimes it’s better to just get it out and if mom/grandma/whomever doesn’t like it, that’t their problem. I wish the best for you.
BEAUTIFUL MESS says:
October 22, 2010 at 5:58 pm
I felt the same way after my mom passed away. I had NO time to grieve, I was too busy. When I finally did grieve, nobody was there because I was “fine”. I had to bare my soul to someone and while it sucked SO much, it helped even more. I truly hope you can find someone to talk too. Even if it isn’t in person, do it. The first step is always the hardest.
Thinking about you and sending you lots of love
midwestmusings says:
October 22, 2010 at 6:07 pm
I’m so sorry for what you are going through. It is hard enough to struggle with life issues but to have your family not supporting you makes it so much harder! They don’t need to pile their opinions on top of your pain.
I don’t know how you can work it into your schedule, but I truly hope you can start counseling. I had some deep issues (see my posts if you are interested) and although I was raising 3 kids and had a job it got to the point where I HAD to fit in counseling.
Counseling literally turned my entire life around. It is so good to hear someone who has no bias listen and help you work your way through the shitstorm. I went to a local mental health center that had a sliding scale based on income which helped me to afford it, but honestly, it was worth more than I could have ever afforded to pay. LIFE CHANGING!
So I am sending you hugs, love and courage to face a new day. And remember, we here are on your side and will do what we can to see you through. *hugs*
mimzyofCourse says:
October 22, 2010 at 7:04 pm
First, I understand and I feel for you. Just by reaching out you’re doing the right thing.
I read in your previous post that you have a court date, and evidence and witnesses for your cause. No matter how horrible this waiting period is, you have to hold on so you can use these things to get sole custody. From what you’ve told, it looks like you are going to win custody. It has to be.
Your family however concerned they are should be more supportive. I feel since you are working full time, they should take some time out of their lives and help you out. Maybe they should do some leg-work on your behalf to find a counselor or group when you do get custody. Maybe one of them could help by finding some sort of advocate (a person who specializes in custody cases).
I feel this will work out on your behalf especially if you have your family working with you towards this very important common goal.
I send you all the best that I have to give ~~ Mimzy
KRISTIN says:
October 23, 2010 at 12:34 am
I am so, so sorry you are feeling so alone. I know meds don’t solve every problem but it sounds like you are stuck in a spiral of depression (justifiably) and maybe tackling meds first would make it seem easier to handle. {{{Hugs}}} and you are in my prayers.
JOANNA says:
October 23, 2010 at 6:59 am
You. Are. Not. Alone. I have watched two friends, my mother, and my sister go through scary and painful situations like yours and all of them confessed to feeling alone in it all. It is completely understandable, especially since your own support system seems to be breaking down, but you can find support in many other places. I’m so glad you took the time to write out your feelings here. That’s a huge step. You can’t control the feelings or words of your family, only your own. There are church groups, online groups (like this one!) so many places to seek out support. I hope you feel how many people are here for you when you need to vent!
MOMMAOF3 1662 says:
October 25, 2010 at 9:12 pm
Thanks you for your comments! We had court today and we did pretty well. He is down to 1 visit a week for dinner with no overnights or weekends and the court requested counseling. I go back in dec to finalize everything but so far so good. I feel like a weight has been lifted!
KATHLEEN says:
October 26, 2010 at 1:40 pm
Hi,
I don’t know your whole sitch, but I read a bit of your Blog and see that you are worried about your kids and feel sad etc.
Here are some quick bits of advice.
1. When you are sad – you are kind of mad too – personally I find SMASH therapy works for me. You go outside or the kitchen sink. Take 12 eggs. Pick them up in your hand and throw them on the ground (or sink) as hard as possible. It feels great, because you got some anger out AND you will find yourself laughing that you just smashed 12 eggs.
2. As for the scars of your babies. I grew up in a very abusive household. There were a few people who had a major impact on my life – they weren’t around for long but they taught me I was strong, good and a survivor. Now, if your little peanuts have a Mummy that tells them that they are valuable, loved and accepted, they will be ok. Life is going to give them lots of times they want to smash eggs, they just need you to tell them how.
3. Another feel good moment, might be to get your babies into a bath. Wash them with that so good Johnsons baby stuff. Get them all into Jammies get on the couch under a cozy blanket and watch a movie or read a book. The smell and feel of your babies will give you your power back.
Hoping you feel better soon,