I think I may have finally reached my breaking point.
I know deep down that I need help. I can’t carry this weight alone or it will crush me. I know what I should do. But, when I think about my options, I talk myself out of it. I tell myself to suck it up because I have to be strong. I tell myself I can’t get counseling. When? How would I make time for it? I have three kids and work a full time job. I have to take my daughter to dance class twice a week. My schedule just doesn’t allow it.
But, I need something…someone. For the past year I have held everything in. Tried to stay strong. I just don’t think I can do it anymore.
Last night I had an argument with my mother and grandmother because I feel like they blame me. They expect me to fix things that I just can’t fix. They tell me I am not fighting hard enough. But, I honestly don’t know what else I can do.
I was told I must not care about my kids to allow this to continue. But, I am not a judge. I don’t get to make the final decisions. Plus, we haven’t even gone to court yet. How can I do more?
I was told I don’t care because I don’t “look” upset. But, they don’t feel the pain I have inside. They don’t see me sitting up at night unable to sleep because of all of the thoughts and fears going through my head. I act strong. I don’t allow anyone to see the pain because honestly ,I don’t see what good it would do.
And now, I finally feel completely alone. The support I thought I had has slipped away, and now all I see is judgment and criticism. It hurts. But, just like everything else in my life, I don’t know how to fix it. I don’t know that it can be fixed.