I’ve found a sitter for my kids and left the house to keep my big feelings away from them. Flipping through my phone contacts…I don’t see anyone I haven’t bothered with my drama in the last few days so I give up. Who needs to talk anyway? They don’t really want me to call; they just put up with me and my need to process everything out loud.
I need to stop blocking this out; I’m going to explode if I keep shoving this down.
I find my Rage Music Playlist – a lot of Disturbed, KMFDM, Nine Inch Nails, some Slipknot and Linkin Park. I get inside my head. I let go and allow myself to cry, hating every second of the pathetic sound and hating more how stupid I feel when I let it go. I shut back down when all of the thoughts whisper…worthlessguiltysinneruglybadmotherbadwifebadchristian…too wrapped up in my own drama to be useful to anyone.
Too self-centered and overwhelmed to be a good mom. Too angry and bitter and cold and hard-hearted to save my relationship.
I drive fast and scream out the lyrics. The bass hitting my body is therapeutic. The guitar chords resonate deep inside…my mind wanders and the self-loathing thoughts kick-up again: I am not worth fighting for. Who I am is not good enough.
I hate where I am. I hate who I have turned into. I hate how barricaded I have been for so long. I hate the choices I have had to make.
I hate feeling so alone.
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