So starts the story I tell my firstborn every April 13th. She is twenty-two years old, and her eyes still light up when she hears it. I have a similar story that I share with her younger brothers. I love my kids’ birthdays – I always celebrate them with joy and near abandon.
But my youngest child, my little Nicholas, has never heard his story.
SIDS took Nicholas from me when he was four months and five days old. SIDS is what the doctors say when what they mean is, “We don’t have a fucking clue what happened to your beautiful, healthy baby. All we know is that he’s dead. We went to medical school for four years, and all we can tell you is the same thing you knew the instant you saw him in the ER. Your baby is dead. It’s from SIDS.”
Thanks to SIDS, my Nicholas never got to hear his birth story. I never got to see his eyes light up while basking in the attention of his adoring mom. I never got to hear him vying for his own story on his brothers’ or sister’s birthdays. I never got to hear him ask for anything. He was taken before he learned to talk.
But I need to tell his story. I need to remember the good things and not just the tragedy that overwhelmed my life. I want to reclaim the joy of his birth. I learned to grieve after I lost my son.
Now I want to embrace the wonder and excitement that preceded the horror.
This is for Nicholas.
I was patiently waiting for you to be ready to be born, but my midwife was anxious. Mommy has lupus, and even though it’s just the annoying skin kind of lupus, everyone was worried about you. So even though both your sister AND your brothers were born late, the midwife and doctor insisted that I have you by your due date.
Which meant I had to be induced.
The day before you were born, Mommy and Daddy went to the hospital to get started. I know how long my labors last, and once I got into the hospital, no one would give me anything to eat until after you were born. So Grandma Carolyn and Grandpa Ed met me, Daddy, Anna, Eric and Carter at the Golden Corral for dinner. After dinner, the other kids went home with Grandma and Grandpa while Daddy and I went to the hospital.
We waited an hour or so for a room, and then another three hours for the doctor to get me started on the induction. It was a long, trying night. In the morning, I was not any closer to having you. I knew you would come when you were ready, but the folks at the hospital were stubborn. The doctor gave me an epidural, broke my water and gave me some more medicine to hurry things along. Margaret, my doula, was there. Grandma Carolyn brought Anna to the hospital so that she could be there when you were born.
After a very long day of waiting, I was so happy when it was finally time to have you. You were born at ten o’clock the night of December 14. You were such a beautiful baby: pink and healthy and perfect. The nurse cleaned you up and handed you to me for the very first time. You snuggled into my arms and nursed just a little.
Then Daddy held you. Anna and Grandma Carolyn came in and held you. Everyone cooed and smiled at you, touching your little hands as you stretched and reached into the world for the very first time. The next morning, Eric and Carter came to see you. They were so excited to meet you! And when we brought you home the next day, you were just the most loved little boy that ever was.
I wish more than anything that I could tell you your story. That I had more than just a few months of happy memories of you. SiDS is a cruel mistress. That your father and I had been able to keep our marriage from falling apart. That your brothers and sister were still innocent of death and loss and grief and despair. That you were sitting here next to me right now, bugging me to use my computer to play Minecraft, or whatever it is that would have caught your interest. That you were asking for a ride to a friend’s house, because it’s almost the end of summer vacation. That I was buying you yet another pair of tennis shoes after you had outgrown the pair I just bought. But none of that gets to happen.
What did happen?
I started over after my divorce at age thirty-nine. I set up my own household, the way I saw fit. I raised your brothers and sister with love, compassion, and intention. I remarried, a man who harbored a cruelty of which I was unaware until cancer came calling. I cared for him until his death.
I live my life fully, without fear. I look at myself with honesty. I reach out with empathy to other moms who have lost a child. I know sadness and depression. I know healing and redemption. I benefit from therapy. I see genuine love and kindness from friends and the family I have made. And I am back from the brink: better, stronger, healthier, and more complete than I was before.
The light of a distant star continues to reach the Earth long after the star itself is gone.
– Author Unknown
Today, October 15, 2018, we pause to remember the stars of our soul that were extinguished far too early.
To the parents who are missing their babies today and always, The Band sends our love and prayers.
To our babies, the babies who never got to experience the joys of Earth and whose lives were cut very short, we miss you.
We miss you. More than anyone can ever know. We wish we could have one more moment – one single moment – with you, as if we can’t have a lifetime with you.
Today, we honor the short lives of some of the brightest souls, souls that have touched many and have taught us to cherish all of life’s moments.
To our babies who we carry in our hearts, instead of our arms, we will never forget you.
Love,
Aunt Becky and The Band Back Together Project
Band Back Together’s Wall of Remembrance:
Miscarriage:
Ally’s Baby:
Mary Katerina, miscarriage March 13, 2008.
Amanda’s Baby:
September 23, 2010, miscarriage.
Amanda and John’s Babies:
Juliana, July 2008, miscarriage.
Charlie, November 2009, miscarriage.
Samantha, March 2010, miscarriage.
Ameila’s Babies:
Her 3 Littles, December 23, 2010, missed miscarriage/June 2011, miscarriage/December 6, 2011, Autosomal Recessive Polycysitic Kidney Disease
Another Becky’s Baby:
Baby Savu:
August 2004 missed miscarriage between 3rd and 4th month.
Ashleigh’s Baby:
Baby Garrett, September 13 2012, Miscarriage
Aunt Becky’s Babies:
February, 2008, Baby 1, miscarriage.
March, 2008, Baby 2, miscarriage.
Baby Boy, February 15, 2000, miscarriage.
Baby Ian:
Pregnant October 2011, unpregnant January 2012, ectopic pregnancy.
Baby KJ:
July 15, 2008, miscarriage.
Baby Moll:
June 13, 2005, miscarriage.
Baby Noah Walter:
January 2012, miscarriage.
Barbara’s Babies:
Malcolm, January 2008, miscarriage.
Ophelia, April 2009, miscarriage.
Blazngfrye’s Babies:
Caden, miscarriage, May 1989.
Aubrey, miscarriage, December 1993.
Courtney’s Baby:
Kaycie, miscarriage, 6/14/2011.
Dawn’s Baby:
Baby Jones #1, February 2007, miscarriage at 12 weeks due to blighted ovum (Empty Gestational Sac).
Debbie’s Babies:
Michelle, November 1991, miscarriage
2 babies, miscarried in 1994 and 1999.
Elsie’s Ten Possibilities:
Nine Embies, 2008
Lola, 2011
Erin’s Babies:
Baby 1, September 2006, miscarriage.
Baby 2, January 2007, miscarriage.
Baby Girl 1, December 2008, late miscarriage.
Baby Girl 2, August 17, 2009, born still at 18 weeks.
Ewokmama’s Baby:
March 2005, miscarriage at 13 weeks.
Fibi’s Baby:
Biscuit, July 18, 2012, miscarriage.
Heather’s Babies:
Unnamed baby, 6w1d, September 18, 2010, miscarriage.
Unnamed baby, 6w2d, June 22, 2011, miscarriage.
Unnamed baby, 5w, August 15, 2011, miscarriage.
Her Almost: Pregnant in December, 2007. Unpregnant by February, 2008.
Her Highness:
Forget Me Not #1, February 2008, miscarriage.
Forget Me Not #2, January 2012, miscarriage.
Hubbit:
Two boys.
InDueTime’s Baby:
Baby M:
September 10, 2011, miscarriage.
Jenna’s Daughter:
Stella:
February 13, 2011, miscarriage.
Jennifer’s Baby:
June 8, 2008, early miscarriage.
Joules’ Babies:
November 2007, early miscarriage
November 2011, early miscarriage
Justine and Boo’s Baby:
June 2009, miscarriage.
Kallay and Ryan’s Baby:
Baby C lost to a partial miscarriage, May 17, 2010. Baby C is survived by twin sisters, Lily and Molly who were born on December 7, 2010.
Kate’s Babies:
Mari Elizabeth, September 2003, miscarriage
Noah Douglas, October 2004, miscarriage.
Twin Angels, July 2006, miscarriages.
Kathryn’s Baby:
Rebecca, June 3, 1995, miscarriage.
Katie’s Babies:
Baby Sluiter A, April 2007, miscarriage.
Baby Sluiter B, May 2008, miscarriage.
Kelly’s Daughter:
Lola, October 9, 2012, miscarriage.
Kelly and Brad’s daughter:
Lily Catherine, February 18, 2010, miscarriage.
Kelly’s Babies:
Baby 1, April 2003, miscarriage.
Baby 2, October 2004, miscarriage.
Baby 3, February 2006, miscarriage.
Kendra Pocock’s Baby:
Baby JJ Pocock, July 13 2012, Miscarriage/Ectopic Pregnancy
Kim’s Baby:
Baby, October 1996, miscarriage.
Krista’s Babies:
Baby One, son late term miscarriage at 15 weeks.
Baby Two, second-trimester miscarriage at 14 weeks.
Baby Three: miscarriage, 11 weeks.
Baby Four: miscarriage, 13 weeks
Baby Five, late miscarriage, 16 weeks.
Kristin’s Babies:
Eva, miscarriage
7 other babies lost through miscarriage due to luteal phase disorder and clotting disorder.
Lara and Brandon’s Son:
Tallon, August 14, 2011.
Lauren C’s Angels:
Baby, August 27, 2007, miscarriage.
Baby Boy, January 13, 2011, miscarriage.
Baby May 9, 2011, miscarriage.
Leah’s Babies:
Cameron, born and died May 22, 2009 at 10 weeks.
Jeremiah Oliver and Jillian Olivia, twin babies. Second trimester loss July 9, 2010 and July 14, 2010 respectively.
Lisa’s Baby:
July 1994, ectopic pregnancy resulting in emergency surgery.
Lisa’s Baby:
Baby Natasha Anastasia:
September 7, 2011, miscarriage.
Maresi’s Baby:
Baby B #3, September 1, 2011, miscarriage at 5 weeks.
Marlowe Corrine, September 19, 2006, early miscarriage.
Melissa’s Baby:
June 11, 2011, miscarriage
Mindy’s Three Angels:
Angel One, September 9, 2005, miscarriage.
Angel Two, July 17, 2007, miscarriage.
Angel Three, September 25, 2010, miscarriage.
Miranda’s Baby:
Peanut, August 7, 2011, miscarriage.
Natalie’s Baby:
Baby One, February 2, 2011, miscarriage.
Natalie’s Baby:
Hosanna Joy, June 18, 2011, early miscarriage.
Nicole’s Baby:
Cody Ryan-Price Grodan, February 14, 2012, miscarriage, 12 weeks.
Nicole and Jake’s Baby:
Baby One, September 19, 2011, miscarriage.
Rachel and Jesse:
Babies due Aug 2008 and November 2010. Both lost to miscarriage.
Rachel’s Baby:
Alivia Mason, March 21, 2012, miscarriage.
Renee’s Babies:
Isaac Ephraim, miscarriage August 2006.
Isaiah Jeremiah, miscarriage January 2007.
Ella Alicea, ectopic pregnancy June 2009.
Sarah’s Baby:
September 2006, miscarriage.
Sarah’s Babies:
April 12, 2002, miscarriage.
September 3, 2008, miscarriage.
Susie’s Baby:
Baby #3, June 2000, miscarriage from a blighted ovum.
Suzanne’s children:
Athena Rose Moore, Girl Twin B
Tammy’s Baby:
October 1990, miscarriage.
Three Angels:
September, 2002, July 17, September 25. Miscarriages.
Jacob Bennett born and died on July 11, 2007 due to premature rupture of membranes (PROM).
Samantha Lauren born August 16, 2011 at 23.5 weeks passed away September 17th due to extreme prematurity and fungal meningitis.
Baby Helen: Born July, 1993. Passed from prematurity.
Celeste’s Son:
Christopher Robin Cote: Born September 25, 2009. Stillborn due to premature rupture of membranes and incompetent cervix.
Christine’s Son:
Jellybean, born at 5:20 April 15th, 2009; and passed just four short hours later in her arms.
Heather and Aaron’s Son:
Aodin R. Hurd, October 7, 2007, born still due to premature rupture of the membranes.
Kate’s Babies:
Baby S, March 2008, Miscarriage
Evie, December 14, 2009, Triplet Prematurity
Jack, December 22, 2009, Triplet Stillbirth due to Prematurity
Will, January 13, 2010, Triplet Prematurity
Baby M, May 2010, Miscarriage
Kristin’s Baby (Mama KK):
Ariel Grace, born on July 28, 2009 at 18 weeks 5 days. Lived 5 minutes.
Leleisme’s Babies:
Ayla and Juliet, October 20, 2009 at 20 weeks.
Bayli and Thomas on June 8, 2011 at 21 weeks 2 days.
Matthew Chase Sims: April 25th, 2006 due to prematurity.
Melissa’s Son:
Born at 21 weeks in June 2011 due to a bacterial infection, lived for 30 minutes.
Nicky’s Son:
Samuel, August 8, 2001, prematurity.
Nina’s Son:
Coleman Parker Garibay, September 14, 2005, lost at 6 months gestation and passed from prematurity.
Paula’s Baby:
Reya, September 18 2011, Prematurity due to extreme Pre-eclempsia
Yvette’s Son:
Erik Richard, July 29, 1981, prematurity.
Birth Defects:
Aaron and Kristine’s Son:
Luke Ervin Seitz, born July 21, 2011 with Hypoplastic Left Heart Syndrome, and passed on June 28, 2011.
Amy’s Babies:
Mateo, Anthony, and Ian born on May 6, 2008 at 23 weeks and 3 days.
Mateo was born still.
Anthony passed away from Transposition of the Great Vessels.
Ian passed away after a short stay in the NICU.
Avaleigh: July 25, 2011, born still due to Down Syndrome.
Baby Anissa, born December 2, 2008, stillbirth from birth defects.
Baby Khalil:
Born August 14, 2009, stillborn, born still from birth defects.
Beth’s Son:
Ethan Connor Brockwell, May 3, 2006 – August 17, 2006. Born with Hypoplastic Left Heart Syndrome.
Christopher: November 4, 1979, due to pulmonary atresia, a congenital heart defect.
Christopher’s Son:
Aidan, born with brain malformation on December 16, 2008 and passed on December 19, 2008.
Cora Mae McCormick:
November 30, 2009 to December 6, 2009 from a congenital heart defect.
Ellen’s Son:
Shane Michael, born October 10, 1971 and died October 11, 1971 from heart complications before his mother could wake from anesthesia. She never saw or held him.
Julie’s Daughter:
Brianna Elizabeth, born January 29, 1998 and died March 7, 1998 from a heart defect.
Kathryn’s Son:
Seth Douglas Bonnett, Our Little “Tough guy”, March 27, 2008 – October 12, 2008. Died from Hypoplastic Left Heart Syndrome.
Raquel’s Son:
Austin Skylar Gregory, born July 3, 2005 and gained his wings August 29, 2005 from Multiple Complex Congenital Heart Defects.
Ruth’s Son:
Corbin Walker, born February 20, 2011 and died May 17, 2011 from heart defects brought on by Williams Syndrome.
Shannon’s Baby:
Chloe Walker, born November 29, 2000 and died June 4, 2001 from multiple congenital heart defects and heterotaxy.
Suzy’s Son:
Starbaby, born still February 2008 due to Trisomy 18.
Venita’s Son:
Matthew Connor – February 26, 2005, born at 26 weeks, passed from Necrotizing Enterocolitis (NEC).
Wendy’s Baby:
Reed Allyvion Miners, passed away July 5th 2003 at one hour old from Primary Myocardial Disease, a congenital heart defect.
Nathaniel, born August 24, 2001 and died August 29, 2001 from an undiagnosed metabolic disorder.
David, born May 11, 2010 and Died January 24, 2011 from a myriad of complications resulting from a liver transplant.
Angie’s Daughter:
Leia Sky Williams, born October 6, 2011, passed away from Group Beta Strep.
Baby Dominic:
January 16, 2002, SIDS
Baby Kash Michael:
Born June 3, 2011 and died September 28, 2011.
Carey’s Triplet Sons:
Rudyard, Desmond, and Oscar, June 4th, 2011, born at 22 weeks due to of E. coli infection.
Cecily’s Sons:
Nicholas and Zachary, October 27th, 2004.
Heather and Joe’s Twins:
Jonathan Michael and Samuel Joseph, identical twins born alive and died on May 6, 2004 from extreme prematurity and twin-to-twin transfusion.
Jana’s Son:
Charlie: Born May 21, 2003 and died June 14, 2003 from late-onset Group B Strep.
JennK’s Son:
Will, born (today) October 15, 2002 and died on September 16, 2003 from complications of late-onset Group B Strep.
Jenni’s Babies:
Malakai Zachary born still March 10, 2007 due to Anencephaly.
Five more angels, July, 2007 – May, 2010. Miscarriages.
Kara’s Daughter:
Catherine Grace, born August 10, 2012, passed August 12, 2012, due to prematurity brought on by HELLP syndrome.
Lisa’s Daughter:
Kaitlyn Grace, born sleeping at 38 weeks on Saturday, May 13th, 1995. Died from a true knot in her umbilical cord.
Matt and Lauren’s Baby:
Isla, born 14 weeks premature on August 23, 2011 and died on October 10, 2011.
Rachel’s Daughter:
Mina Kathryn, born February 18, 2009, died February 24, 2009, due to complications with her PICC line.
Scribbles412’s Baby:
Baby R, May 24, 1998, Medicine Administration by RN who didn’t know or ask.
Stephanie’s Son:
Silas, prematurity.
Venita’s Son:
Matthew Conner Webb, born January 11, 2005 and died February 26, 2005. He was born at 26 weeks and faced many obstacles in his short life.
Aimee’s Babies:
Ziggy Ann born sleeping on January 21, 2009.
Frank born sleeping May 21, 2010.
Liberty Ann born March 30, 2011 and died on April 19, 2011.
Ally’s Son:
Collin: born on August 9th, 2008. He passed away 30 minutes later from cardiac arrest after an emergency c-section due to a placental abruption.
Amy’s Baby:
Nicholas, born December 14, 2005, died April 19, 2006 from SIDS.
Claudia’s Son:
Max Corrigan, born November 14, 1987 and relinquished to adoption on November 18, 1987.
Colleen’s Babies:
Bryce Philip born May 26, 2009 and died September 1, 2009 due to SIDS
Ashton Karol, stillborn on February 24, 2010 at 17 weeks.
Lanie’s Sons:
Jake, born August 14, 2005 died August 27, 2005 due to prematurity and hydrops.
Sawyer, born November 17, 2009 died December 26, 2009. His cause of death has not been determined because he is part of a study at the Mayo clinic for heart arrhythmias – SIUDS (unexplained sudden infant death)
Leslie’s Son:
Cullen, September 11, 2010, stillbirth.
Pharon’s Daughter:
Sophia Lu Boudreau, born December 21, 2006 and died October 9, 2007 from SIDS.
Rebecca and TJ’s son:
Rafe Theobald Calvert, born on October 11th, 2009 at 26 weeks. Spent 3 months in the NICU and underwent an intestinal obstruction repair. He was released on January 11th, 2010 and we brought him home for 6 weeks. He passed away at 4 and a half months old from SIDS on February 25th, 2010.
The Stamm’s Daughter:
Adrienne Mae, May 7, 2006, Sudden Infant Death Syndrome.
Suzie’s Son:
Nathan Michael King, died from SIDS November 2008.
Vanessa’s Daughter:
Kendra, April 23, 2005 to March 24, 2006. Died from Jacobsen Syndrome.
