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Wednesday: Baby Olive van der Lingen

What you may or may not read below is something that you should be warned about. While not particularly graphic, the post contains strong themes such as child loss, stillbirth, baby loss, and suicide. If you feel that you cannot handle any of those triggers, please click here to be taken away to a world of glittery whimsy. Don’t feel as though you should read this if you’re not ready or if you’re never ready. Part of being healthy is being able to stop yourself if you’re uncomfortable with the following post. 

I need you to know that this is a first for our site and that I left it alone for a long time because I didn’t want to do more harm than good. Finally, it dawned on me that this anonymous poster (who I simply cannot locate – I tried) gave us her deepest feelings and fears. Even if I am uncomfortable (and I am), these are her sacred words, and they deserve to see the light of day. You’re very welcome to reach out to me via email: becky@bandbacktogether.com

This site has a motto, a simple one: we are none of us alone, we are all connected. 

We take stories here – all of them – and this is no different. 

These are her sacred words that she wanted me to share with you. 

And so I am.

If you are feeling alone, scared, helpless, and suicidal, please contact the National (US) Suicide Lifeline, which provides free and confidential emotional support to people in suicidal crisis or emotional distress 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, across the United States. Call 1-800-273-8255.

AT THIS TIME, THE SUICIDE HOTLINE CODE 988 IS NOT ACTIVE. 

If you are not in the US, I have created a list of international suicide lifelines, which can be found here.

Baby Olive ✝️ July 2016

I was around 7 months pregnant when I lost my baby girl.

…I do not know how to cope with her loss anymore, i never really opened up about the pain and grief and the more time goes on the worse it gets.

I feel guilty and out of line when i speak about her on any other day except for her birthday… this year I could not even speak to anyone about her.

I don’t even understand what I must feel and what the normal grieving process is. Some nights even feel worse than the nights I lost her.

I had this idea that i would be over it by now or that I would not think about her so much.

I thought time would make it all better…..

tonight is one of the worse nights I’ve had. I just started missing her more than ever and then I felt like my heart is shattered all over again.

i can barely breathe from the crying, I feel the pain in my throat. My heart feels like it is being ripped out right now.

The image of her little lifeless body in front of me is stuck inside my head. She just looked like she was sleeping.

I just needed her her to breathe.

I just needed her to breathe.

Why did she die???

Why did she have to die?

I can’t explain this pain.

I don’t think anyone will understand what I feel right now. If I ever had to talk to anyone about this pain, what would they think? I just can’t talk to anyone! I will just be a burden or they will think I am seeking attention; that is mostly the case when i bring her name up to my ex-husband. I didn’t mean to blame him for not being able to save her, all the build up hurt just got the best of me. The grief turned into hate, hate towards people that do not deserve it, it made me push them away.

i just feel like screaming now!

Sometimes I wonder if I will feel better if I could talk about her, sometimes I wonder if it will ever get better….

Will I ever get closure?

i do not think i will male it through this pain…

i smile the whole day so no one even notices how broken I am. Once I am alone, I break down.

It is like a black hole that just gets bigger…

The pain consumes more of me each day.

Suicide is no longer just a thought, it is a pat of my plan, it is a matter of fact.

I am not scared anymore to go

I am so sorry for what i leave behind; the people I love that I leave behind. They don’t deserve it, my kids, my family, and my friends don’t deserve it… they have done nothing wrong.

i Just cannot go on , i have died inside a long time ago. Who i am now is just a body that is on repeat and that is not life. Feeling so numb and hurting this much is unbearable.

I hope the ones i leave behind will try and understand. On the brighter side at least my ex-husband will be happy.

I just want to go home, I want to be in heaven , I want to rest with my baby Olive.

I don’t belong here anymore.

After her loss, I tried my best to be happy, but I’ve never been happy again since she has died. I mastered the art of pretending to be happy at least , but I just can’t feel it. Funny how i even have the nickname “Smiley”… lol

If there was a person i’d have been able to open up about her, it would have been her father, but because of the ways in which i brought her up in our fights, he doesn’t want to hear anything about her.

I guess I cant blame him; it is my own fault … I never had a guideline or a manual on how to deal with the mixed emotions and thoughts her death caused.

I kept quiet about so many feelings that I should have shared and I lashed out about so many thoughts I should have kept to myself.

Anyway, it is to late late for the “should have’s” and “what if’s” and “if only i hads.”

Nothing will bring her back and nothing will change this pain. All this hurt killed me inside.

I didn’t die that long after she died; now it’s just my body that is left behind wondering around, longing to go, waiting impatiently to go.

Yes, I do think my death will be a shock to everyone in my life including my boyfriend ( which is the most amazing guy on earth). Some people don’t even know about Baby Olive, so most people that are the closest to me wont even link my death with hers.

The truth is i that just want to go. I feel so numb to their opinion about why I left – it won’t even matter. There won’t be a note it a sign before if I go, I will just go.

i guess the only reason i am still here is to finalize a few things before I go. I want my departure to be easy for those I leave behind, I want to be quickly forgotten. I don’t want anyone to hurt or feel guilty. My wish is to make it seem like an accident.

I am not even sure whyIi wrote this. If i ever had to say i am sorry, i will say sorry to her father for the anger and the blame and the hurt. I would have apologized for the person i was, I am sorry for my actions and how they affected you. I am sorry for being so controlling and crazy over you. I just never loved the way  I loved my husband and I’ve never hurt like the day i lost her.

I am not good at handling those strong emotions –  it just comes out wrong and I am sorry. Sorry will never fix anything and even if I had the chance to say sorry now, I know it won’t matter.

It has been 3 years.

I don’t even think you will remember. I know that you are happy now, I know you love her more than me, I know she is so much better and prettier than me, and that is good.

I will not bother to disturb anyone.

Whatever is left unsaid will forever be…

i guess writing this gave me some peace before I go, even if it will never be read or understood. Even if those i leave behind will never know that I got some peace before i go.

i feel so much better to knowIi can finally go. I feel it’s so selfish, yet I am no longer living even if i stay.

I will give my family my very best to make sure they know how much i love them and how much i appreciate them.

They are the best; that’s why i want to go without them considering suicide.

While everyone starts off with a new year, I just wish to start of with my eternal life without this pain and hurt.

i guess I am hoping to meet her there too … most nights, the thought of meeting her soon helps me to fall asleep.

I don’t know what I was supposed to feel or how, how to soothe this pain, but I do know i want to end it.

and i will.

I guess that’s just where my story ends.

my book of life has been completed and i guess not every story gets that happy ending.

I leave to see you breath, my angel.

In memory of my baby girl,

Olive van der Lingen

Spotlight On Child Loss: Falling Apart

Child Loss

Every year, 10,000 children pass away.

This is her story.

 

My world is falling apart.

My just-turned-six year old is dying.

His brain stem is deteriorating, a side effect of the chromosome abnormality he has. Twenty-nine surgeries haven’t been enough to save him, though they have bought him more time with us.

We are told that he’s the only child in the world who has his conglomeration of medical conditions (the chromosome abnormality, spina bifida, a connective tissue disorder, chiari malformation, intracranial hypertension, and another half-dozen minor diagnoses).

The amount of pain medication he receives every day is a drug-addict’s dream, is administered around the clock to keep him from experiencing pain. It is so beyond awful that I don’t have words to express my feelings. Watching him decline is the worst thing I’ve ever experienced in my life and that is saying something.

As if that isn’t enough, the two children my family adopted from Ukraine eighteen months ago have a lot more “going on” than we were told about.

My two-and-a-half-year old has Down syndrome, autism, and reactive attachment disorder. She functions at the level of a ten month old.

My four-and-a-half year old has Down syndrome, a heart defect that wasn’t repaired properly, systemic juvenile idiopathic arthritis, atlanto-axial instability, autism, tethered cord, syringomyelia, mild hearing loss, and is considered both medically complex and medically fragile.

We’ve been told repeatedly by numerous specialists, that she isn’t going to have a long life. She functions at the level of an eight month old.

Neither of the girls walks, talks, signs, eats (they’re g-tube dependent, just like my six-year old) or interacts well with people (they interact, but only on their terms).

When we adopted the girls, we knew they had Down syndrome and that the four-year old had a heart defect.

Everything else has been a big ‘ol surprise since we brought them home. Honestly, it feels like discovering new problems with our kids never ends.

We didn’t know our son had this chromosome abnormality and would die soon. If I’d known this, I wouldn’t have adopted him, or at least not when I did.

To top it all off, my marriage is falling apart.  I know I should care, but I don’t have the emotional capacity to handle it. I just want him to leave me alone. I don’t want to have to deal with him on top of everything else.

I’m struggling.

I’m struggling in every sense of the word. I don’t know anyone that understand how this feels.

Yes, lots of people have lost a child to death.

Yes, lots of people have a medically-fragile child.

Yes, lots of people have large families.

Yes, lots of people have multiple children with special needs.

But I don’t know any other people who have a large family with lots of kids with special needs, some who are medically fragile, with one who is terminally ill?

If there are, would someone please point me toward those people?  I REALLY could use a friend, someone who’ll say, “This totally sucks!” along with me. I know people don’t know what to say to someone like me, but I still want them to say something – the silence is deafening.

This road I’m on is lonely.

I just want to feel like I’m not on it all by myself.

what can you say when a baby dies?

what can you say when a baby dies?

ive been wanting to post for a long time about what to say when someone loses a child. some days i feel like i really didn’t lose a child so much as i lost the possibility of one, or two, as it were. when my mother remarked that i didn’t really have them, i knew what she meant, and i agreed, after i recovered from the initial sting of her candor.

what to say when baby dies

i didn’t after all. my dear ayla, the one whose bag of life was so grievously compromised, never showed us any signs of spirit after she was born. she was on the shuttle already as we nuzzled her warm body.

sweet juliet was pink, opened up her little mouth, stretched her limbs. morphine i cried out, “T! cut her cord!” so desperate was i to believe the deceit of her movements. silly people, my daughter is fine!

run along now. ah but reality resurfaced all too soon. the amazing wonderful caring loving angel at my bedside nurse worked swiftly to baptize her and deliver her to our arms.

this is where is gets hazy for me.

i know T held his sweet girl as she went on to join her sister. he says she made a face that looked just like her mama right before she drifted off.

i slept in and out of consciousness for hours, waking only to deliver the placentas and fill the space-age barf bags i was provided. when i finally half-shook my stupor, my mom helped me shower and put on a stretchy netted undie.

the doctor came in and told me i could leave whenever i wanted or i was welcome to stay. i gave him a ‘watchu talkin bout willis?’ kind of look. i was in no shape to leave and after awhile i was moved out of the birthing suite into a regular room.

T showed me the text he had sent out to our friends and families:

 ‘this morning at exactly 20 weeks we delivered Ayla Joy and Juliet Grace. we held them in our arms, baptized them, and kissed them goodbye.’

i never would have thought to send a text and i forwarded it, in disbelief, to many. one went out as an answer to a ex co-worker who had not 5 minutes earlier asked how everything was going: not good. its not good.

the condolences started rolling in. well, mostly condolences. T got a few ‘congratulations!’ back, from people who had just scanned the text. that’ll teach em to cut corners. this is where it gets tricky.

i in no way want to sound ungrateful for people’s sympathy. any words of consolation or comfort were of course appreciated, and the commonplace ‘im sorry’ and ‘you’re in my prayers’ were lovely to hear. though

T wondered aloud exactly when all of his friends had started praying.

its just that the words that meant the most to us were unique. one friend wrote ‘you gave them such beautiful names’, another, ‘your little girls are angels now, they will always be with you and i will never forget them.’ after he and his wife could gather themselves enough to be able to call me; my cousin, a dad of two boys, cried with me. he said ‘i wish i could have met them’.

so what can you say when a baby dies?

certainly nothing that anyone said took the pain away, but having the girls acknowledged was something that meant a lot to both T and me.

when an older person dies, you don’t just say you’re sorry, you usually elaborate about the person and what you loved about them. that’s what we especially appreciated about these few comments. people were not just pitying us, feeling sorry for what we went through, they were remembering our girls to us and acknowledging that even though we didn’t really get to have them, lord, they were here.

Remembering The Band’s Babies: The Ache

When a baby dies, we are fragmented. Shattered, we must pick up the pieces and put them back together as we pay tribute to our children, our tables forever missing one, our families incomplete, our treasures in heaven, our babies alive only in our hearts.

It is through our stories that they live forever. These children were here and they mattered. They were loved.

They are loved.

My therapist told me that I hide behind walls of humor.

And I do.

I laugh so I don’t cry. And I have been doing a LOT of laughing lately.

But I have been doing as much crying, just behind closed doors. I have been going through all the stages of grief and grieving in like a minute every single day. It’s wearing me down.

I miss the baby I lost so much that I ache.

I thought Christmas – her due date – and what would have been her first birthday would have been harder.

remembering the bands babies

I’m okay in public and with those who she’s disappeared to. I can pretend everything is okay; that I am fine.

I’m not fine.

But today. This date which means nothing to me is harder than her day. Tuesdays and the 28th of every month are torture because she was taken Tuesday, July 28th. But today?

Why am I aching for her today, a day that means nothing? Why do I miss her so much that I can barely breathe?

She would be a year old.

What would she look like?

Would she look anything like her sisters?

Would she look like her daddy or me?

Would she be walking?

Would she be talking?

Would she cuddle me when I needed her?

It’s such a punch in the gut, living without her. Having these thoughts. And seeing her and her “birth” (which wasn’t a birth to anyone but those who really loved her) every time I close my eyes.

My therapist wants to talk about it; deal with it.

If I talk about her and heal, will what few memories I have fade?

I don’t know that I can relive that night out loud. I see it over and over in my head. I wrote about it here. But I can’t say out loud. I can talk to my husband and mother because they were there, they know. But even my husband doesn’t grieve with me. He has almost moved on. I don’t think I ever will. I held her in my hands. And always in my heart.

Everyone grieves differently and he just wants me to be better.

How do I get better?

Why on a day when I should be semi-okay does the grief come out of nowhere and take me to my knees? The pain. The anguish. I feel like I am drowning.

All I want is to hold my little girl in my arms. To rock her and smell her sweet smell. I never got to smell her sweet smell. It’s not fair.

I want to punch walls and throw things and scream at the top of my voice, “it’s not fucking fair!”

This aching, this longing for something that can never be. That is the hardest. I miss my daughter. I can’t breathe without her today.

Maybe tomorrow will be better but today it’s not going to be okay.

Today, I want to fall apart.

Today, I feel like I am dying.

You are invited to add your child’s name to our wall of remembrance.

Remembering The Band’s Babies: Bella

When a baby dies, we are fragmented. Shattered, we must pick up the pieces and put them back together as we pay tribute to our children, our tables forever missing one, our families incomplete, our treasures in heaven, our babies alive only in our hearts.

It is through our stories that they live forever. These children were here and they mattered. They were loved.

They are loved.

I saw your pajamas last night.

No, they weren’t the exact ones, of course. I returned yours to the store, along with your bassinet and baby blankets.

These were the same though, your pattern. The ones I picked out to match your nursery. Bright teal, with lime green, hot pink, and bright purple flowers. And panda bears. Lots of pandas.

I showed them to Ian, tried to brush off the longing for you, and made some lighthearted comment. He could tell it upset me, though.

It’s been three years today, October 12. One would think it wouldn’t hurt anymore. Or that I would have tried to heal by having another baby by now. They’re wrong.

It does still hurt. In the lonely nights, when I feel the ghost of your movements, deep in my belly. In the unguarded moments when I let myself watch the baby shows on TLC. When I pass by someone pregnant, and I find myself passing a hand over my empty tummy.

I would have loved to have another baby by now, but it felt a betrayal of you. How could I insist that I missed you when I was holding a new child? Who would believe that there was a hole in my heart bearing your name when they heard my happiness over this new baby?

Is it wrong of me then, that I do crave to hold another baby in my arms?

I’ve given myself time, and I continue to mourn you. But I still have so much love to give. And Ian wants a baby. I want to give him this gift, to share this part of our future together. A part of me still feels I’m forsaking you to do so.

baby loss

So tell me, my sweet Bella, what am I to do?

How long am I to go on missing the sound of your heartbeat, the feel of your somersaults?

How long before it’s “acceptable” for me to want another child?

How long before I can say your name and not feel the tears in the back of my throat?

And when all these things pass?

How am I to go on living with myself?

You are invited to add your child’s name to our wall of remembrance. 

October 15th, 2019: Remembering The Band’s Babies

A person’s a person,
no matter how small”
– Dr Seuss

 

Today, October 15, 2019, we pause to remember the stars of our soul that were extinguished far too early.

 

To the parents who are missing their babies today and always, The Band sends our love and prayers.

To our babies, the babies who never got to experience the joys of Earth, whose lives were cut very short, we miss you.

We miss you. More than anyone can ever know. We wish we could have one more moment – one single moment – with you, as we can’t have a lifetime.

Today, we honor the short lives of some of the brightest souls, souls that have touched many and have taught us to cherish all of life’s moments.

To our babies who we carry in our hearts, instead of our arms, we will never forget you.

Love,

The Band

Band Back Together’s Wall of Remembrance:

Miscarriage:

Ally’s Baby:

  • Mary Katerina, miscarriage March 13, 2008.

Amanda’s Baby:

  • September 23, 2010, miscarriage.

Amanda and John’s Babies:

  • Juliana, July 2008, miscarriage.
  • Charlie, November 2009, miscarriage.
  • Samantha, March 2010, miscarriage.

Ameila’s Babies:

  • Her 3 Littles, December 23, 2010, missed miscarriage/June 2011, miscarriage/December 6, 2011, Autosomal Recessive Polycysitic Kidney Disease

Another Becky’s Baby:

  • Baby Savu, August 2004 missed miscarriage between 3rd and 4th month.

Ashleigh’s Baby:

  • Baby Garrett, September 13 2012, Miscarriage

Aunt Becky’s Babies:

  • February, 2008, Baby 1, miscarriage.
  • March, 2008, Baby 2, miscarriage.
  • August 2017 ,Tuesday, miscarriage

Baby Boy:

  • February 15, 2000, miscarriage.

Baby Ian:

  • Pregnant October 2011, unpregnant January 2012, ectopic pregnancy.

Baby KJ:

  • July 15, 2008, miscarriage.

Baby Moll:

  • June 13, 2005, miscarriage.

Baby Noah Walter

  • January 2012, miscarriage.

Barbara’s Babies:

  • Malcolm, January 2008, miscarriage.
  • Ophelia, April 2009, miscarriage.

Blazngfrye’s Babies:

  • Caden, miscarriage, May 1989.
  • Aubrey, miscarriage, December 1993.

Courtney’s Baby:

  • Kaycie, miscarriage, 6/14/2011.

Courtney’s Son:

  • Joshua, D/C 16 weeks

Dawn’s Baby:

  • Baby Jones #1, February 2007, miscarriage at 12 weeks due to blighted ovum (Empty Gestational Sac).

Debbie’s Babies:

  • Michelle, November 1991, miscarriage
  • 2 babies, miscarried in 1994 and 1999.

Elsie’s Ten Possibilities:

  • Nine Embies, 2008
  • Lola, 2011

Erin’s Babies:

  • Baby 1, September 2006, miscarriage.
  • Baby 2, January 2007, miscarriage.
  • Baby Girl 1, December 2008, late miscarriage.
  • Baby Girl 2, August 17, 2009, born still at 18 weeks.

Ewokmama’s Baby:

  • March 2005, miscarriage at 13 weeks.

Fibi’s Baby:

  • Biscuit, July 18, 2012, miscarriage.

Heather’s Babies:

  • Unnamed baby, 6w1d, September 18, 2010, miscarriage.
  • Unnamed baby, 6w2d, June 22, 2011, miscarriage.
  • Unnamed baby, 5w, August 15, 2011, miscarriage.

Her Almost:

  • Pregnant in December, 2007. Unpregnant by February, 2008.

Her Highness:

  • Forget Me Not #1, February 2009, miscarriage.
  • Forget Me Not #2, January 2012, miscarriage.

Hubbit:

  • Two boys.

InDueTime’s Baby:

  • Baby M, September 10, 2011, miscarriage.

Jenna’s Daughter:

  • Stella, February 13, 2011, miscarriage.

Jennifer’s Baby:

  • June 8, 2008, early miscarriage.

Joules’ Babies:

  • November 2007, early miscarriage
  • November 2011, early miscarriage

Justine and Boo’s Baby:

  • June 2009, miscarriage.

Kallay and Ryan’s Baby:

  • Baby C lost to a partial miscarriage, May 17, 2010. Baby C is survived by twin sisters, Lily and Molly who were born on December 7, 2010.

Kate’s Babies:

  • Mari Elizabeth, September 2003, miscarriage
  • Noah Douglas, October 2004, miscarriage.
  • Twin Angels, July 2006, miscarriages.

Kathryn’s Baby:

  • Rebecca, June 3, 1995, miscarriage.

Katie’s Babies:

  • Baby Sluiter A, April 2007, miscarriage.
  • Baby Sluiter B, May 2008, miscarriage.

Kelli’s Babies:

  • Baby 1, September 2009, miscarriage.
  • Baby 2, May 2010, miscarriage.

Kelly’s Daughter:

  • Lola, October 9, 2012, miscarriage.

Kelly and Brad’s daughter:

  • Lily Catherine, February 18, 2010, miscarriage.

Kelly’s Babies:

  • Baby 1, April 2003, miscarriage.
  • Baby 2, October 2004, miscarriage.
  • Baby 3, February 2006, miscarriage.

Kendra Pocock’s Baby:

  • Baby JJ Pocock, July 13 2012, Miscarriage/Ectopic Pregnancy

Kim’s Baby:

  • Baby, October 1996, miscarriage.

Krista’s Babies:

  • Baby One, son late term miscarriage at 15 weeks.
  • Baby Two, second-trimester miscarriage at 14 weeks.
  • Baby Three: miscarriage, 11 weeks.
  • Baby Four: miscarriage, 13 weeks
  • Baby Five, late miscarriage, 16 weeks.

Kristin’s babies:

  • Eva, miscarriage
  • 7 other babies lost through miscarriage due to luteal phase disorder and clotting disorder.

L. Moses’ Baby:

  • Baby Moses, July 17, 2008, ectopic pregnancy

Lara and Brandon’s Son:

  • Tallon, August 14, 2011.

Lauren C’s Angels:

  • Baby, August 27, 2007, miscarriage.
  • Baby Boy, January 13, 2011, miscarriage.
  • Baby May 9, 2011, miscarriage.

Leah’s Babies:

  • Cameron, born and died May 22, 2009 at 10 weeks.
  • Jeremiah Oliver and Jillian Olivia, twin babies. Second trimester loss July 9, 2010 and July 14, 2010 respectively.

Lisa’s Baby:

  • July 1994, ectopic pregnancy resulting in emergency surgery.

Lisa’s Baby:

  • Natasha Anastasia, September 7, 2011, miscarriage.

Maresi’s Baby:

  • Baby B #3, September 1, 2011, miscarriage at 5 weeks.

Marlowe Corrine, September 19, 2006, early miscarriage.

Melissa’s Baby

  • June 11, 2011, miscarriage

Melissa’s Babies:

  • Baby Angel, February 8, 1998, blighted ovum/miscarriage
  • Albert Eugene, October 31, 2000, miscarriage

Mindy’s Three Angels:

  • Angel One, September 9, 2005, miscarriage.
  • Angel Two, July 17, 2007, miscarriage.
  • Angel Three, September 25, 2010, miscarriage.

Miranda’s Baby:

  • Peanut, August 7, 2011, miscarriage.

Natalie’s Baby:

  • Baby One, February 2, 2011, miscarriage.

Natalie’s Baby:

  • Hosanna Joy, June 18, 2011, early miscarriage.

Nicole’s Baby:

  • Cody Ryan-Price Grodan, February 14, 2012, miscarriage, 12 weeks.

Nicole and Jake’s baby:

  • Baby One, September 19, 2011, miscarriage.

Rachel and Jesse:

  • Babies due Aug 2008 and November 2010. Both lost to miscarriage.

Rachel’s Baby:

  • Alivia Mason, March 21, 2012, miscarriage.

Rachel’s Babies:

  • First Angel April, 2013, miscarriage
  • Second Angel July 2013 miscarriage

Renee’s Babies:

  • Isaac Ephraim, miscarriage August 2006.
  • Isaiah Jeremiah, miscarriage January 2007.
  • Ella Alicea, ectopic pregnancy June 2009.

Sarah’s Baby:

  • September 2006, miscarriage.

Sarah’s Babies:

  • April 12, 2002, miscarriage.
  • September 3, 2008, miscarriage.

Sarah’s Baby:

  • Baby Bun Bun, April 2017, miscarriage

Susie’s Baby:

  • Baby #3, June 2000, miscarriage from a blighted ovum.

Suzanne’s children:

  • Athena Rose Moore, Girl Twin B

Tammy’s Daughter:

  • Grace, 10/29/2001, miscarriage

Tammy’s Baby:

  • October 1990, miscarriage.

Three Angels:

  • September, 2002, miscarriage
  • July 17, miscarriage
  • September 25. miscarriages.

Tiffany’s Babies:

  • 2008, Little Soul 1, 2008, ectopic pregnancy.
  • 2009, Little Soul 2, 2009, ectopic pregnancy.

Yvette’s Son:

  • Sean Michael, April 14, 1987, miscarriage.

Stillbirth:

Allyson’s Son:

  • Nolan “Shepherd,” stillborn at 17 weeks on September 15, 2009.

Amanda’s Baby:

  • Jamie, 4/6/2010

Angie’s Daughter:

  • Madeleine Rose, stillborn July 7, 2009 due to incompetent cervix and uterine infection.

Ann’s Son:

  • Orion, stillborn May 8, 2004

Beka’s Son:

  • Benjamin, September 4, 2012, stillbirth.

Beryl’s Daughter:

  • Bella Rose, stillborn on September 9, 2009.

Brenda’s Son:

  • Emerson Allen Behrends, July 10, 2001, stillborn.

Danielle’s Baby:

  • Micah Rachel

Debbie’s Son:

  • Jonathan Edward, June 4, 1992, stillborn.

Debbie And Jeff’s Daughter:

  • Chloe Eva, September 12, 2008, stillbirth.

Heather and David’s Daughter:

  • Clara Edith, July 1, 2012, Stillbirth at 42 weeks, 3 days due to meconium aspiration and uterine infection.

Jill and Mark’s Baby:

  • Haven, November 26, 2003, stillborn at 38 weeks gestation

Jolene’s Daughter:

  • Ruth, January 3, 2013, stillbirth

Leslie’s Son:

  • Cullen Liam, born still September 11, 2010.

Lilla and Gareth’s daughter:

  • Pippa, born still on February 13, 2011 from listeria infection.

Lillie Belle:

  • Stillborn, born still  2017

Lisa’s Daughter:

  • Kaitlyn Grace, stillborn, born still, May 13, 1995.

Louise and Joseph’s Baby:

  • Alice Mathelin, born still on February 25, 2011, at 36 weeks and 5 days from Abruptio Placentae

Martha’s Twin Boys:

  • Owen died March 8, 2008 because his cord wasn’t properly attached to the placenta.
  • Joshua died one month later, April 6, 2008 because he couldn’t live without his brother. Both were born still on April 8, 2008.

Melanie’s Daughter:

  • Summer Lily, born still March 30, 2011.

Mel’s Daughter:

  • Jordan Ala, stillborn on November 13, 2006.

Melissa’s Twins:

  • Nicholas Aaron and Nathan Alexander, June 9, 2000, stillbirth

Nikki’s Son:

  • Sam, 1997, intrauterine fetal demise

Sarah’s Daughter:

  • Audrey Elizabeth, August 7, 1998, born still.

Selah Mae: born January 22, 2002, stillborn.

Stephanie’s Son:

  • Carter Austin Ross, March 18, 2006, stillbirth due to an umbilical cord anomaly.

TiaMaria’s Daughter:

  • Isabella-Rose Elizabeth, October 12, 2009, stillbirth.

Prematurity:

Amy and James’s Babies:

  • Jacob Bennett born and died on July 11, 2007 due to premature rupture of membranes (PROM).
  • Samantha Lauren born August 16, 2011 at 23.5 weeks passed away September 17th due to extreme prematurity and fungal meningitis.

Baby Helen: Born July, 1993. Passed from prematurity.

Celeste’s Son:

  • Christopher Robin Cote: Born September 25, 2009. Stillborn due to premature rupture of membranes and incompetent cervix.

Chantel’s Daughter:

  • Emily, prematurity born 19w 5 days – was too small for the equipment.

Christine’s Son:

  • Jellybean, born at 5:20 April 15th, 2009; and passed just four short hours later in her arms.

Heather and Aaron’s Son:

  • Aodin R. Hurd, October 7, 2007, born still due to premature rupture of the membranes.

Jenn’s Son:

  • Kevin William, prematurity, 2005

Kate’s Babies:

  • Baby S, March 2008, Miscarriage
  • Evie, December 14, 2009, Triplet Prematurity
  • Jack, December 22, 2009, Triplet Stillbirth due to Prematurity
  • Will, January 13, 2010, Triplet Prematurity
  • Baby M, May 2010, Miscarriage

Kristin’s Baby (Mama KK):

  • Ariel Grace, born on July 28, 2009 at 18 weeks 5 days. Lived 5 minutes.

Leleisme’s Babies:

  • Ayla and Juliet, October 20, 2009 at 20 weeks.
  • Bayli and Thomas on June 8, 2011 at 21 weeks 2 days.

Matthew Chase Sims:

  • April 25th, 2006 due to prematurity.

Melissa’s Son:

  • Born at 21 weeks in June 2011 due to a bacterial infection, lived for 30 minutes.

Melissa’s Daughter:

  • Hope, 1993

Nicky’s Son:

  • Samuel, August 8, 2001, prematurity.

Nina’s Son:

  • Coleman Parker Garibay, September 14, 2005, lost at 6 months gestation and passed from prematurity.

Paula’s Baby:

  • Reya, September 18 2011, Prematurity due to extreme Pre-eclempsia

Qudija’s Babies

  • Mikel Azariah and Willamina Azaria born August 12, 2019.
  • Mikel was stillborn,
  • Willamina was premature at 22 weeks 6 days

S & T’s Son:

  • William, November 2, 2013, 24 weeks, 3 days, prematurity

Vickie’s Son:

Collin, complications from prematurity, 2009

Yvette’s Son:

  • Erik Richard, July 29, 1981, prematurity.

Birth Defects:

Aaron and Kristine’s Son:

  • Luke Ervin Seitz, born July 21, 2011 with Hypoplastic Left Heart Syndrome, and passed on June 28, 2011.

Amy’s Babies:

  • Mateo, Anthony, and Ian born on May 6, 2008 at 23 weeks and 3 days.
  • Mateo was born still.
  • Anthony passed away from Transposition of the Great Vessels.
  • Ian passed away after a short stay in the NICU.

Amy’s Babies:

  • Nathaniel James, August 24, 2001 – August 29, 2001, Citrullinemia
  • David Henry, May 11, 2010 – January 24, 2011, Citrullinemia, passed away after becoming sick post liver transplant

Baby Khalil, born August 14, 2009, stillborn, born still from birth defects.

Baby Kober

  • Kyle William Kober July 22, 1994 due to Hypoplastic left ventricle syndrome

Beth’s Son:

  • Ethan Connor Brockwell, May 3, 2006 – August 17, 2006. Born with Hypoplastic Left Heart Syndrome.

Christopher: November 4, 1979, due to pulmonary atresia, a congenital heart defect.

Christopher’s Son:

  • Aidan, born with brain malformation on December 16, 2008 and passed on December 19, 2008.

Cora Mae McCormick:

  • November 30, 2009 to December 6, 2009 from a congenital heart defect.

Ellen’s Son:

  • Shane Michael, born October 10, 1971 and died October 11, 1971 from heart complications before his mother could wake from anesthesia. She never saw or held him.

Julie’s Daughter:

  • Brianna Elizabeth, born January 29, 1998 and died March 7, 1998 from a heart defect.

Kathryn’s Son:

  • Seth Douglas Bonnett, Our Little “Tough guy”, March 27, 2008 – October 12, 2008. Died from Hypoplastic Left Heart Syndrome.

Raquel’s Son:

  • Austin Skylar Gregory, born July 3, 2005 and gained his wings August 29, 2005 from Multiple Complex Congenital Heart Defects.

Ruth’s Son:

  • Corbin Walker, born February 20, 2011 and died May 17, 2011 from heart defects brought on by Williams Syndrome.

Shannon’s Baby:

  • Chloe Walker, born November 29, 2000 and died June 4, 2001 from multiple congenital heart defects and heterotaxy.

Suzy’s Son:

  • Starbaby, born still February 2008 due to Trisomy 18.

Venita’s Son:

  • Matthew Connor – February 26, 2005, born at 26 weeks, passed from Necrotizing Enterocolitis (NEC).

Wendy’s Baby:

  • Reed Allyvion Miners, passed away July 5th 2003 at one hour old from Primary Myocardial Disease, a congenital heart defect.

Infant Loss:

Amy’s Sons:

  • Nathaniel, born August 24, 2001 and died August 29, 2001 from an undiagnosed metabolic disorder.
  • David, born May 11, 2010 and Died January 24, 2011 from a myriad of complications resulting from a liver transplant.

Angie’s Daughter:

  • Leia Sky Williams, born October 6, 2011, passed away from Group Beta Strep.

Baby Dominic:

  • January 16, 2002, SIDS

Baby Kash Michael:

  • Born June 3, 2011 and died September 28, 2011.

Carey’s Triplet Sons:

  • Rudyard, Desmond, and Oscar, June 4th, 2011, born at 22 weeks due to of E. coli infection.

Cecily’s Sons:

  • Nicholas and Zachary, October 27th, 2004.

Heather and Joe’s Twins:

  • Jonathan Michael and Samuel Joseph, identical twins born alive and died on May 6, 2004 from extreme prematurity and twin-to-twin transfusion.

Jana’s Son:

  • Charlie: Born May 21, 2003 and died June 14, 2003 from late-onset Group B Strep.

JennK’s Son:

  • Will, born (today) October 15, 2002 and died on September 16, 2003 from complications of late-onset Group B Strep.

Jenni’s Babies:

  • Malakai Zachary born still March 10, 2007 due to Anencephaly.
  • Five more angels, July, 2007 – May, 2010. Miscarriages.

Jessie’s Daughter:

  • Jolien, March 28, 2019

Kara’s Daughter:

  • Catherine Grace, born August 10, 2012, passed August 12, 2012, due to prematurity brought on by HELLP syndrome.

Lisa’s Daughter:

  • Kaitlyn Grace, born sleeping at 38 weeks on Saturday, May 13th, 1995. Died from a true knot in her umbilical cord.

Matt and Lauren’s Baby:

  • Isla, born 14 weeks premature on August 23, 2011 and died on October 10, 2011.

Rachel’s Daughter:

  • Mina Kathryn, born February 18, 2009, died February 24, 2009, due to complications with her PICC line.

Scribbles412’s Baby:

  • Baby R, May 24, 1998, Medicine Administration by RN who didn’t know or ask.

 Stephanie’s Son:

  • Silas, prematurity.

Venita’s Son:

  • Matthew Conner Webb, born January 11, 2005 and died February 26, 2005. He was born at 26 weeks and faced many obstacles in his short life.

Child Loss:

Aimee’s Babies:

  • Ziggy Ann born sleeping on January 21, 2009.
  • Frank born sleeping May 21, 2010.
  • Liberty Ann born March 30, 2011 and died on April 19, 2011.

 Ally’s Son: Collin

  •  Collin: born on August 9th, 2008. He passed away 30 minutes later from cardiac arrest after an emergency c-section due to a placental abruption.

Amy’s Baby:

  • Nicholas, born December 14, 2005, died April 19, 2006 from SIDS.

Claudia’s Son:

  • Max Corrigan, born November 14, 1987 and relinquished to adoption on November 18, 1987.

April’s Daughter:

  • Brianna Ann 3/19/2018, car accident – donated the gift of life to 5 people through organ donation

Brianna Ann

Colleen’s Babies:

  • Bryce Philip born May 26, 2009 and died September 1, 2009 due to SIDS
  • Ashton Karol, stillborn on February 24, 2010 at 17 weeks.

Jenny’s Daughter:

  • Addison Leah, June 13, 2008, accidental death.

Jessica and Mark’s Daughter:

  • Hadley Jane, born October 9, 2001 and died October 11, 2007.

Julie’s Babies:

  • Halsey Douglas Dukes  December 31, 2016, Halsey passed from hemophaygocytic lymphohistiocytosis (HLH)
  • Halcyon Grayson Dukes was born September 1, 2011 Halcyon failed to develop after 9 weeks

 

 

Lanie’s Sons:

  • Jake, born August 14, 2005 died August 27, 2005 due to prematurity and hydrops.
  • Sawyer, born November 17, 2009 died December 26, 2009. His cause of death has not been determined because he is part of a study at the Mayo clinic for heart arrhythmias – SIUDS (unexplained sudden infant death)

Leslie’s Son:

  • Cullen, September 11, 2010, stillbirth.

Mindy’s Son:

  • Brian Vitale, accidental death, September 4, 2007 – June 3, 2010. We miss him more and more each day.

Nancy’s Son:

  • Patrick, born April 10, 1977, Adoption

Pharon’s Daughter:

  • Sophia Lu Boudreau, born December 21, 2006 and died October 9, 2007 from SIDS.

Rebecca and TJ’s son:

  • Rafe Theobald Calvert, born on October 11th, 2009 at 26 weeks. Spent 3 months in the NICU and underwent an intestinal obstruction repair. He was released on January 11th, 2010 and we brought him home for 6 weeks. He passed away at 4 and a half months old from SIDS on February 25th, 2010.

The Stamm’s Daughter:

  • Adrienne Mae, May 7, 2006, Sudden Infant Death Syndrome.

 Suzie’s Son:

  • Nathan Michael King, died from SIDS November 2008.

Vanessa’s Daughter:

  • Kendra, April 23, 2005 to March 24, 2006. Died from Jacobsen Syndrome.

Homicide:

Chance, July 25, 2014, homicide

band back together wall of baby loss