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Remembering The Band’s Babies: The Ache

When a baby dies, we are fragmented. Shattered, we must pick up the pieces and put them back together as we pay tribute to our children, our tables forever missing one, our families incomplete, our treasures in heaven, our babies alive only in our hearts.

It is through our stories that they live forever. These children were here and they mattered. They were loved.

They are loved.

My therapist told me that I hide behind walls of humor.

And I do.

I laugh so I don’t cry. And I have been doing a LOT of laughing lately.

But I have been doing as much crying, just behind closed doors. I have been going through all the stages of grief and grieving in like a minute every single day. It’s wearing me down.

I miss the baby I lost so much that I ache.

I thought Christmas – her due date – and what would have been her first birthday would have been harder.

remembering the bands babies

I’m okay in public and with those who she’s disappeared to. I can pretend everything is okay; that I am fine.

I’m not fine.

But today. This date which means nothing to me is harder than her day. Tuesdays and the 28th of every month are torture because she was taken Tuesday, July 28th. But today?

Why am I aching for her today, a day that means nothing? Why do I miss her so much that I can barely breathe?

She would be a year old.

What would she look like?

Would she look anything like her sisters?

Would she look like her daddy or me?

Would she be walking?

Would she be talking?

Would she cuddle me when I needed her?

It’s such a punch in the gut, living without her. Having these thoughts. And seeing her and her “birth” (which wasn’t a birth to anyone but those who really loved her) every time I close my eyes.

My therapist wants to talk about it; deal with it.

If I talk about her and heal, will what few memories I have fade?

I don’t know that I can relive that night out loud. I see it over and over in my head. I wrote about it here. But I can’t say out loud. I can talk to my husband and mother because they were there, they know. But even my husband doesn’t grieve with me. He has almost moved on. I don’t think I ever will. I held her in my hands. And always in my heart.

Everyone grieves differently and he just wants me to be better.

How do I get better?

Why on a day when I should be semi-okay does the grief come out of nowhere and take me to my knees? The pain. The anguish. I feel like I am drowning.

All I want is to hold my little girl in my arms. To rock her and smell her sweet smell. I never got to smell her sweet smell. It’s not fair.

I want to punch walls and throw things and scream at the top of my voice, “it’s not fucking fair!”

This aching, this longing for something that can never be. That is the hardest. I miss my daughter. I can’t breathe without her today.

Maybe tomorrow will be better but today it’s not going to be okay.

Today, I want to fall apart.

Today, I feel like I am dying.

You are invited to add your child’s name to our wall of remembrance.

My Journey Through 10 Miscarriages

On October 15, 2019, we will be publishing a Wall of Remembrance for those among us who have lost our babies far too soon.

You are invited to share the names of your lost babies here.

band back together wall of baby loss

I have had 10 miscarriages – just saying that is hard for me

For so long I have tried to sweep it under the rug –  once my number became larger then three I became numb to it all. I’m not really an emotional person, but this topic always brings up memories as if it all happened yesterday.

I have been through 10 miscarriages in 6 years.

I am 28 years old – I have been pregnant 13 times – and have 3 living children.

I can be a very private person, but I think miscarriage and infertility have enough secrecy surrounding it that I do not want to perpetuate it. The more it is talked about – the more women and families can feel supported and listened to and important – not embarrassed and ashamed like I am struggling to not feel.  I am opening up the door to talk about it –  so here is my long story:

My first two miscarriages were kind of a blur to me. We were not trying to get pregnant and basically found out we were expecting the same time we realized we were miscarrying. I had always heard that having one miscarriage was ‘normal’ and so I honestly didn’t put too much thought into it. They were still very painful and devastating to me but I thought once we were actively trying everything would be OK – that no one would have more then 2.

My husband and I decided to start trying for a family and we actively began trying to conceive using basal body temping as a guide. We became pregnant again in November 2004 after the first month of trying. I was about 6 weeks pregnant just around Christmas when I miscarried (#3). This time it hit me – hard. I mean I have never heard of someone who has had 3 miscarriages ever – let alone in a row.

Basal Body Temperature Chart using Fertility Friend

I began feverishly doing my research.

With my basal body charts I had noticed that my luteal phase was under 10 days (according to research the shortest it should be for a successful pregnancy) so I began to take vitamins B6 and B12 to lengthen it. I went to the doctor and his thought was that my progesterone was low and that is why I was not able to hold on to the pregnancy past 6 weeks. So a new plan evolved. I would stay on the vitamins and go on a progesterone supplement the moment I found out I was pregnant. This made the basal body temping so important – I needed to know the exact date.

We began another month of trying to conceive (TTC). Thermometer in hand and a plan in mind we became pregnant again in June and I was on the progesterone medication. The plan was to stay on until 12 weeks pregnant and then to slowly wean myself off. When 12 weeks came along we lowered the dose of progesterone but I began to bleed so we quickly went back onto the medication. The baby was doing fine and the new plan was to wean off at 20 weeks. 20 weeks came and I was successfully weaned off with no further complications. I had my first full term baby (Big P) in December 2005 – a healthy boy.

Big P – 8lbs 1oz

My husband and I had always wanted to have our kids close in age, so we starting TTC again relatively quickly. I began the basal body temping again and got pregnant pretty quickly. When I got the positive I went to the doctor to get a prescription for the progesterone and started taking it again. I miscarried #4 shortly after 7 weeks. My doctor and I both thought it was because the progesterone was not started soon enough so I was given a prescription for the next time to begin the day I had a positive test. I got pregnant again and started the progesterone but miscarried #5 at 6 weeks 5 days and I was starting to lose hope. I went back on the vitamins and we began TTC again. Thinking back it probably would have been better to give myself a few months to heal physically and emotionally but I was determined and had the okay from my doctor.

In July 2006 we got pregnant again and everything was going smoothly. I was on the progesterone and we had an ultrasound that showed the heartbeat and the baby was growing. I was on bed rest again for the first 20 weeks and was weaned off the progesterone at 20 weeks. Everything was going smoothly. At 8 months pregnant I awoke with vertigo – fell and cracked my wrist. I was taken to the hospital and without going into too much detail I was diagnosed with possible stroke and they ran a large amount of tests and I was hospitalized.

In one of those tests they discovered I had a blood disorder called Factor V Leiden. Everything was going relatively smoothly with the pregnancy. I was having some weight issues – having only gained 10lbs and was 8 months pregnant they were checking to see if the baby was growing -which she was. I was being induced just over 2 weeks early because of the vertigo and possible stroke. Our healthy baby girl (Princess R) was born in February 2007.

Princess R – 7lbs 14oz

This is where the story starts to get a bit crazy. I had 2 more miscarriages (#6 & 7) due to failed birth control. We were not trying to have an other baby yet – however these losses were still quite painful.

In May 2007 I was diagnosed with Celiac Disease and was on a strict gluten free diet. We had wondered if that was an underlying cause contributing to the miscarriages and we’re hopeful that was the answer. I still had the constant vertigo that started in January 2007 and was seeing a neurologist for possible causes. During one of our meetings she mentioned Factor V Leiden again. That was the first time I had heard of it since back when I was pregnant with Princess R. The neurologist thought that could be the cause of my possible stroke when I was pregnant. I was sent to other specialists for that.

My husband and I were ready to expand our family again. I went off birth control in the beginning December 2007 and we began TTC again.  I became pregnant the first month but lost miscarriage # 8 at just over 5 weeks. We didn’t take any breaks between that loss and trying to conceive again and we became pregnant again the next cycle at the beginning of January.

I was back on the progesterone and everything was seemingly going okay – baby was perfect.  We had made it past 8 weeks of pregnancy and thought everything was going to go smoothly. We had told extended family and friends and had begun taking daily photos of my growing belly – our kids were excited.

Big P and Princess R telling the family about the growing baby

A phone call came to me a few weeks later that shattered me.  The baby (Triton) that had made it to 13 weeks was “no longer viable” and he had passed away (miscarriage # 9).  I was confused – I had done everything ‘right’ – I was on the progesterone, was on bed rest – everything.  I was scheduled for a D&C because I did not want to deliver at home.

The OB who was going to be doing the surgery turned out to be a lifesaver to me. Another miracle that Triton brought into my life. My OB had read over my chart, talked to me for a long time about my history and pegged that I had been diagnosed with Factor V Leiden, a blood disorder that predisposes me to making blood clots.

The surgery was scheduled for April 24, 2008 and I was able to get the answer I needed. When the pathology came back it showed blood clots caught in the umbilical cord cutting off the supply to Triton. He had given me the answer and we had a new plan and a concrete diagnoses for all my losses – Factor V Leiden.

Recovering from surgery, my husband and I were not trying to conceive yet. I did become pregnant (seriously it’s like he just has to look at me to get me pregnant) the next month but miscarried again (#10) likely because I was not healed up completely from the surgery. We were both ready to start the process of adding to our family and met up with my OB again.

The new plan – because Factor V Leiden predisposes me to throwing blood clots normally and any pregnant woman’s risk of blood clots increase anyway – my chances were pretty high. This is the reason for my miscarriages, my possible stroke at 8 months pregnant – but luckily there was something we could do. I was still going to be on the progesterone for 20 weeks because I did have an issue with low progesterone – it was just not the whole story.

I continued with the basal body temping and this time added low dose aspirin (it’s a blood thinner). Once I got that positive pregnancy test – I went on the progesterone and was put on another medication called Fragmin. This medication is a needle that I inject into my lower abdomen – it is a blood thinner that is safe to take while pregnant. This medication was designed to thin my blood enough to stop me from making clots and putting me and baby at risk for miscarriage or still birth.

I injected myself with this needle every day – I was covered in bruises but everything was working. It became second nature to me. Since it is not safe to go into labor while on blood thinners I was placed on bed rest at 36 weeks because I had begun to dilate. The plan was to induce me again just over 2 weeks early – I had to be off the blood thinner to deliver but could not go over 12 hours without the medication or I would risk another stroke. So, the safest thing to do was a planned early induction.

In February 2009 our third full term baby (Baby E) was born perfect and healthy. I was put back on the Fragmin blood thinners and had to continue giving myself the injections for 8 weeks postpartum.

Baby E – 7lbs 13oz

Now, if you are still with me – thank you. It is hard to condense this story into a few paragraphs. I don’t really have a ‘moral’ or ‘message’ to this story except this is my story. It has been a very difficult and extremely painful journey.

It has taken me a long time (and I am still working on it) to accept what has happened and to begin to digest it all.

October 15, 2014: We Remember The Band’s Babies

“A person’s a person,
no matter how small”
– Dr Seuss

 

Today, October 15, 2014, we pause to remember the stars of our soul that were extinguished far too early.

 

To the parents who are missing their babies today and always, The Band sends our love and prayers.

To our babies, the babies who never got to experience the joys of Earth and whose lives were cut very short, we miss you.

We miss you. More than anyone can ever know. We wish we could have one more moment – one single moment – with you, as if we can’t have a lifetime with you.

Today, we honor the short lives of some of the brightest souls, souls that have touched many and have taught us to cherish all of life’s moments.

To our babies who we carry in our hearts, instead of our arms, we will never forget you.

Love,

Aunt Becky

 


Band Back Together’s Wall of Remembrance:

Miscarriage:

Ally’s Baby:

  • Mary Katerina, miscarriage March 13, 2008.

Amanda’s Baby:

  • September 23, 2010, miscarriage.

Amanda and John’s Babies:

  • Juliana, July 2008, miscarriage.
  • Charlie, November 2009, miscarriage.
  • Samantha, March 2010, miscarriage.

Ameila’s Babies:

  • Her 3 Littles, December 23, 2010, missed miscarriage/June 2011, miscarriage/December 6, 2011, Autosomal Recessive Polycysitic Kidney Disease

Another Becky’s Baby:

  • Baby Savu, August 2004 missed miscarriage between 3rd and 4th month.

Ashleigh’s Baby:

  • Baby Garrett, September 13 2012, Miscarriage

Aunt Becky’s Babies:

  • February, 2008, Baby 1, miscarriage.
  • March, 2008, Baby 2, miscarriage.

Baby Boy, February 15, 2000, miscarriage.

Baby Ian, pregnant October 2011, unpregnant January 2012, ectopic pregnancy.

Baby KJ, July 15, 2008, miscarriage.

Baby Moll, June 13, 2005, miscarriage.

Baby Noah Walter, January 2012, miscarriage.

Barbara’s Babies:

  • Malcolm, January 2008, miscarriage.
  • Ophelia, April 2009, miscarriage.

Blazngfrye’s Babies:

  • Caden, miscarriage, May 1989.
  • Aubrey, miscarriage, December 1993.

Courtney’s Baby:

  • Kaycie, miscarriage, 6/14/2011.

Dawn’s Baby:

  • Baby Jones #1, February 2007, miscarriage at 12 weeks due to blighted ovum (Empty Gestational Sac).

Debbie’s Babies:

  • Michelle, November 1991, miscarriage
  • 2 babies, miscarried in 1994 and 1999.

Elsie’s Ten Possibilities:

  • Nine Embies, 2008
  • Lola, 2011

Erin’s Babies:

  • Baby 1, September 2006, miscarriage.
  • Baby 2, January 2007, miscarriage.
  • Baby Girl 1, December 2008, late miscarriage.
  • Baby Girl 2, August 17, 2009, born still at 18 weeks.

Ewokmama’s Baby:

  • March 2005, miscarriage at 13 weeks.

Fibi’s Baby:

  • Biscuit, July 18, 2012, miscarriage.

Heather’s Babies:

  • Unnamed baby, 6w1d, September 18, 2010, miscarriage.
  • Unnamed baby, 6w2d, June 22, 2011, miscarriage.
  • Unnamed baby, 5w, August 15, 2011, miscarriage.

Her Almost:

  • Pregnant in December, 2007. Unpregnant by February, 2008.

Her Highness:

  • Forget Me Not #1, February 2008, miscarriage.
  • Forget Me Not #2, January 2012, miscarriage.

Hubbit:

  • Two boys.

InDueTime’s Baby:

  • Baby M, September 10, 2011, miscarriage.

Jenna’s Daughter:

  • Stella, February 13, 2011, miscarriage.

Jennifer’s Baby:

  • June 8, 2008, early miscarriage.

Joules’ Babies:

  • November 2007, early miscarriage
  • November 2011, early miscarriage

Justine and Boo’s Baby:

  • June 2009, miscarriage.

Kallay and Ryan’s Baby:

  • Baby C lost to a partial miscarriage, May 17, 2010. Baby C is survived by twin sisters, Lily and Molly who were born on December 7, 2010.

Kate’s Babies:

  • Mari Elizabeth, September 2003, miscarriage
  • Noah Douglas, October 2004, miscarriage.
  • Twin Angels, July 2006, miscarriages.

Kathryn’s Baby:

  • Rebecca, June 3, 1995, miscarriage.

Katie’s Babies:

  • Baby Sluiter A, April 2007, miscarriage.
  • Baby Sluiter B, May 2008, miscarriage.

Kelli’s Babies:

  • Baby 1, September 2009, miscarriage.
  • Baby 2, May 2010, miscarriage.

Kelly’s Daughter:

  • Lola, October 9, 2012, miscarriage.

Kelly and Brad’s daughter:

  • Lily Catherine, February 18, 2010, miscarriage.

Kelly’s Babies:

  • Baby 1, April 2003, miscarriage.
  • Baby 2, October 2004, miscarriage.
  • Baby 3, February 2006, miscarriage.

Kendra Pocock’s Baby:

  • Baby JJ Pocock, July 13 2012, Miscarriage/Ectopic Pregnancy

Kim’s Baby:

  • Baby, October 1996, miscarriage.

Krista’s Babies:

  • Baby One, son late term miscarriage at 15 weeks.
  • Baby Two, second-trimester miscarriage at 14 weeks.
  • Baby Three: miscarriage, 11 weeks.
  • Baby Four: miscarriage, 13 weeks
  • Baby Five, late miscarriage, 16 weeks.

Kristin’s babies:

  • Eva, miscarriage
  • 7 other babies lost through miscarriage due to luteal phase disorder and clotting disorder.

L. Moses’ Baby:

  • Baby Moses, July 17, 2008, ectopic pregnancy

Lara and Brandon’s Son:

  • Tallon, August 14, 2011.

Lauren C’s Angels:

  • Baby, August 27, 2007, miscarriage.
  • Baby Boy, January 13, 2011, miscarriage.
  • Baby May 9, 2011, miscarriage.

Leah’s Babies:

  • Cameron, born and died May 22, 2009 at 10 weeks.
  • Jeremiah Oliver and Jillian Olivia, twin babies. Second trimester loss July 9, 2010 and July 14, 2010 respectively.

Lisa’s Baby:

  • July 1994, ectopic pregnancy resulting in emergency surgery.

Lisa’s Baby:

  • Natasha Anastasia, September 7, 2011, miscarriage.

Maresi’s Baby:

  • Baby B #3, September 1, 2011, miscarriage at 5 weeks.

Marlowe Corrine, September 19, 2006, early miscarriage.

Melissa’s Baby

  • June 11, 2011, miscarriage

Melissa’s Babies:

  • Baby Angel, February 8, 1998, blighted ovum/miscarriage
  • Albert Eugene, October 31, 2000, miscarriage

Mindy’s Three Angels:

  • Angel One, September 9, 2005, miscarriage.
  • Angel Two, July 17, 2007, miscarriage.
  • Angel Three, September 25, 2010, miscarriage.

Miranda’s Baby:

  • Peanut, August 7, 2011, miscarriage.

Natalie’s Baby:

  • Baby One, February 2, 2011, miscarriage.

Natalie’s Baby:

  • Hosanna Joy, June 18, 2011, early miscarriage.

Nicole’s Baby:

  • Cody Ryan-Price Grodan, February 14, 2012, miscarriage, 12 weeks.

Nicole and Jake’s baby:

  • Baby One, September 19, 2011, miscarriage.

Rachel and Jesse:

  • Babies due Aug 2008 and November 2010. Both lost to miscarriage.

Rachel’s Baby:

  • Alivia Mason, March 21, 2012, miscarriage.

Renee’s Babies:

  • Isaac Ephraim, miscarriage August 2006.
  • Isaiah Jeremiah, miscarriage January 2007.
  • Ella Alicea, ectopic pregnancy June 2009.

Sarah’s Baby:

  • September 2006, miscarriage.

Sarah’s Babies:

  • April 12, 2002, miscarriage.
  • September 3, 2008, miscarriage.

Susie’s Baby:

  • Baby #3, June 2000, miscarriage from a blighted ovum.

Suzanne’s children:

  • Athena Rose Moore, Girl Twin B

Tammy’s Baby:

  • October 1990, miscarriage.

Three Angels: September, 2002, July 17, September 25. Miscarriages.

Tiffany’s Babies:

  • 2008, Little Soul 1, 2008, ectopic pregnancy.
  • 2009, Little Soul 2, 2009, ectopic pregnancy.

Yvette’s Son:

  • Sean Michael, April 14, 1987, miscarriage.

Stillbirth:

Allyson’s Son:

  • Nolan “Shepherd,” stillborn at 17 weeks on September 15, 2009.

Angie’s Daughter:

  • Madeleine Rose, stillborn July 7, 2009 due to incompetent cervix and uterine infection.

Ann’s Son:

  • Orion, stillborn May 8, 2004

Beka’s Son:

  • Benjamin, September 4, 2012, stillbirth.

Beryl’s Daughter:

  • Bella Rose, stillborn on September 9, 2009.

Brenda’s Son:

  • Emerson Allen Behrends, July 10, 2001, stillborn.

Debbie’s Son:

  • Jonathan Edward, June 4, 1992, stillborn.

Debbie And Jeff’s Daughter:

  • Chloe Eva, September 12, 2008, stillbirth.

Heather and David’s Daughter:

  • Clara Edith, July 1, 2012, Stillbirth at 42 weeks, 3 days due to meconium aspiration and uterine infection.

Jill and Mark’s Baby:

  • Haven, November 26, 2003, stillborn at 38 weeks gestation

Jolene’s Daughter:

  • Ruth, January 3, 2013, stillbirth

Leslie’s Son:

  • Cullen Liam, born still September 11, 2010.

Lilla and Gareth’s daughter:

  • Pippa, born still on February 13, 2011 from listeria infection.

Louise and Joseph’s Baby:

  • Alice Mathelin, born still on February 25, 2011, at 36 weeks and 5 days from Abruptio Placentae

Martha’s Twin Boys:

  • Owen died March 8, 2008 because his cord wasn’t properly attached to the placenta.
  • Joshua died one month later, April 6, 2008 because he couldn’t live without his brother. Both were born still on April 8, 2008.

Melanie’s Daughter:

  • Summer Lily, born still March 30, 2011.

Mel’s Daughter:

  • Jordan Ala, stillborn on November 13, 2006.

Melissa’s Twins:

  • Nicholas Aaron and Nathan Alexander, June 9, 2000, stillbirth

Sarah’s Daughter:

  • Audrey Elizabeth, August 7, 1998, born still.

Selah Mae: born January 22, 2002, stillborn.

Stephanie’s Son:

  • Carter Austin Ross, March 18, 2006, stillbirth due to an umbilical cord anomaly.

TiaMaria’s Daughter:

  • Isabella-Rose Elizabeth, October 12, 2009, stillbirth.

Prematurity:

Amy and James’s Babies:

  • Jacob Bennett born and died on July 11, 2007 due to premature rupture of membranes (PROM).
  • Samantha Lauren born August 16, 2011 at 23.5 weeks passed away September 17th due to extreme prematurity and fungal meningitis.

Baby Helen: Born July, 1993. Passed from prematurity.

Celeste’s Son:

  • Christopher Robin Cote: Born September 25, 2009. Stillborn due to premature rupture of membranes and incompetent cervix.

Christine’s Son:

  • Jellybean, born at 5:20 April 15th, 2009; and passed just four short hours later in her arms.

Heather and Aaron’s Son:

  • Aodin R. Hurd, October 7, 2007, born still due to premature rupture of the membranes.

Kate’s Babies:

  • Baby S, March 2008, Miscarriage
  • Evie, December 14, 2009, Triplet Prematurity
  • Jack, December 22, 2009, Triplet Stillbirth due to Prematurity
  • Will, January 13, 2010, Triplet Prematurity
  • Baby M, May 2010, Miscarriage

Kristin’s Baby (Mama KK):

  • Ariel Grace, born on July 28, 2009 at 18 weeks 5 days. Lived 5 minutes.

Leleisme’s Babies:

  • Ayla and Juliet, October 20, 2009 at 20 weeks.
  • Bayli and Thomas on June 8, 2011 at 21 weeks 2 days.

Matthew Chase Sims: April 25th, 2006 due to prematurity.

Melissa’s Son:

  • Born at 21 weeks in June 2011 due to a bacterial infection, lived for 30 minutes.

Nicky’s Son:

  • Samuel, August 8, 2001, prematurity.

Nina’s Son:

  • Coleman Parker Garibay, September 14, 2005, lost at 6 months gestation and passed from prematurity.

Paula’s Baby:

  • Reya, September 18 2011, Prematurity due to extreme Pre-eclempsia

S & T’s Son:

  • William, November 2, 2013, 24 weeks, 3 days, prematurity

Yvette’s Son:

  • Erik Richard, July 29, 1981, prematurity.

Birth Defects:

Aaron and Kristine’s Son:

  • Luke Ervin Seitz, born July 21, 2011 with Hypoplastic Left Heart Syndrome, and passed on June 28, 2011.

Amy’s Babies:

  • Mateo, Anthony, and Ian born on May 6, 2008 at 23 weeks and 3 days.
  • Mateo was born still.
  • Anthony passed away from Transposition of the Great Vessels.
  • Ian passed away after a short stay in the NICU.

Amy’s Babies:

  • Nathaniel James, August 24, 2001 – August 29, 2001, Citrullinemia
  • David Henry, May 11, 2010 – January 24, 2011, Citrullinemia, passed away after becoming sick post liver transplant

Baby Khalil, born August 14, 2009, stillborn, born still from birth defects.

Beth’s Son:

  • Ethan Connor Brockwell, May 3, 2006 – August 17, 2006. Born with Hypoplastic Left Heart Syndrome.

Christopher: November 4, 1979, due to pulmonary atresia, a congenital heart defect.

Christopher’s Son:

  • Aidan, born with brain malformation on December 16, 2008 and passed on December 19, 2008.

Cora Mae McCormick:

  • November 30, 2009 to December 6, 2009 from a congenital heart defect.

Ellen’s Son:

  • Shane Michael, born October 10, 1971 and died October 11, 1971 from heart complications before his mother could wake from anesthesia. She never saw or held him.

Julie’s Daughter:

  • Brianna Elizabeth, born January 29, 1998 and died March 7, 1998 from a heart defect.

Kathryn’s Son:

  • Seth Douglas Bonnett, Our Little “Tough guy”, March 27, 2008 – October 12, 2008. Died from Hypoplastic Left Heart Syndrome.

Raquel’s Son:

  • Austin Skylar Gregory, born July 3, 2005 and gained his wings August 29, 2005 from Multiple Complex Congenital Heart Defects.

Ruth’s Son:

  • Corbin Walker, born February 20, 2011 and died May 17, 2011 from heart defects brought on by Williams Syndrome.

Shannon’s Baby:

  • Chloe Walker, born November 29, 2000 and died June 4, 2001 from multiple congenital heart defects and heterotaxy.

Suzy’s Son:

  • Starbaby, born still February 2008 due to Trisomy 18.

Venita’s Son:

  • Matthew Connor – February 26, 2005, born at 26 weeks, passed from Necrotizing Enterocolitis (NEC).

Wendy’s Baby:

  • Reed Allyvion Miners, passed away July 5th 2003 at one hour old from Primary Myocardial Disease, a congenital heart defect.

Infant Loss:

Amy’s Sons:

  • Nathaniel, born August 24, 2001 and died August 29, 2001 from an undiagnosed metabolic disorder.
  • David, born May 11, 2010 and Died January 24, 2011 from a myriad of complications resulting from a liver transplant.

Angie’s Daughter:

  • Leia Sky Williams, born October 6, 2011, passed away from Group Beta Strep.

Baby Dominic:

  • January 16, 2002, SIDS

Baby Kash Michael:

  • Born June 3, 2011 and died September 28, 2011.

Carey’s Triplet Sons:

  • Rudyard, Desmond, and Oscar, June 4th, 2011, born at 22 weeks due to of E. coli infection.

Cecily’s Sons:

  • Nicholas and Zachary, October 27th, 2004.

Heather and Joe’s Twins:

  • Jonathan Michael and Samuel Joseph, identical twins born alive and died on May 6, 2004 from extreme prematurity and twin-to-twin transfusion.

Jana’s Son:

  • Charlie: Born May 21, 2003 and died June 14, 2003 from late-onset Group B Strep.

JennK’s Son:

  • Will, born (today) October 15, 2002 and died on September 16, 2003 from complications of late-onset Group B Strep.

Jenni’s Babies:

  • Malakai Zachary born still March 10, 2007 due to Anencephaly.
  • Five more angels, July, 2007 – May, 2010. Miscarriages.

Kara’s Daughter:

  • Catherine Grace, born August 10, 2012, passed August 12, 2012, due to prematurity brought on by HELLP syndrome.

Lisa’s Daughter:

  • Kaitlyn Grace, born sleeping at 38 weeks on Saturday, May 13th, 1995. Died from a true knot in her umbilical cord.

Matt and Lauren’s Baby:

  • Isla, born 14 weeks premature on August 23, 2011 and died on October 10, 2011.

Rachel’s Daughter:

  • Mina Kathryn, born February 18, 2009, died February 24, 2009, due to complications with her PICC line.

Scribbles412’s Baby:

  • Baby R, May 24, 1998, Medicine Administration by RN who didn’t know or ask.

 Stephanie’s Son:

  • Silas, prematurity.

Venita’s Son:

  • Matthew Conner Webb, born January 11, 2005 and died February 26, 2005. He was born at 26 weeks and faced many obstacles in his short life.

Child Loss:

Aimee’s Babies:

  • Ziggy Ann born sleeping on January 21, 2009.
  • Frank born sleeping May 21, 2010.
  • Liberty Ann born March 30, 2011 and died on April 19, 2011.

 Ally’s Son: Collin

  •  Collin: born on August 9th, 2008. He passed away 30 minutes later from cardiac arrest after an emergency c-section due to a placental abruption.

Amy’s Baby:

  • Nicholas, born December 14, 2005, died April 19, 2006 from SIDS.

Claudia’s Son:

  • Max Corrigan, born November 14, 1987 and relinquished to adoption on November 18, 1987.

Colleen’s Babies:

  • Bryce Philip born May 26, 2009 and died September 1, 2009 due to SIDS
  • Ashton Karol, stillborn on February 24, 2010 at 17 weeks.

Jenny’s Daughter:

  • Addison Leah, June 13, 2008, accidental death.

Jessica and Mark’s Daughter:

  • Hadley Jane, born October 9, 2001 and died October 11, 2007.

Lanie’s Sons:

  • Jake, born August 14, 2005 died August 27, 2005 due to prematurity and hydrops.
  • Sawyer, born November 17, 2009 died December 26, 2009. His cause of death has not been determined because he is part of a study at the Mayo clinic for heart arrhythmias – SIUDS (unexplained sudden infant death)

Leslie’s Son:

  • Cullen, September 11, 2010, stillbirth.

Mindy’s Son:

  • Brian Vitale, accidental death, September 4, 2007 – June 3, 2010. We miss him more and more each day.

Nancy’s Son:

  • Patrick, born April 10, 1977, Adoption

Pharon’s Daughter:

  • Sophia Lu Boudreau, born December 21, 2006 and died October 9, 2007 from SIDS.

Rebecca and TJ’s son:

  • Rafe Theobald Calvert, born on October 11th, 2009 at 26 weeks. Spent 3 months in the NICU and underwent an intestinal obstruction repair. He was released on January 11th, 2010 and we brought him home for 6 weeks. He passed away at 4 and a half months old from SIDS on February 25th, 2010.

The Stamm’s Daughter:

  • Adrienne Mae, May 7, 2006, Sudden Infant Death Syndrome.

 Suzie’s Son:

  • Nathan Michael King, died from SIDS November 2008.

Vanessa’s Daughter:

  • Kendra, April 23, 2005 to March 24, 2006. Died from Jacobsen Syndrome.

 

Homicide:

Chance, July 25, 2014, homicide

————–

Read about how to help a friend through miscarriage.

Read about what to say to someone who has lost a child. 

We Meet In My Dreams

I dreamed about you again last night.

Ever since the surgery to take you away from me, I have dreamed about holding you and kissing your sweet face and smelling your sweet smell.

I need you to stop meeting me in my dreams. It’s the only way I will ever heal from the pain of losing you at 10 weeks pregnant.

I will love you always, baby of mine. But I need to heal.  

Miscarriage and Triggers: When Your Body Is The Trigger

Grief is a very strange journey and process.  Some days I find myself in the best mood – happy and cheerful and then without warning can be smacked in the face with sadness and tears. Sometimes it happens without warning and one thing I have learned through these 10 miscarriages is that is okay. It is normal and it is okay.

There are times where a certain trigger will bring out the grief and I have been spending some time identifying those and learning to be okay with the emotions that come up.  Television has been a big trigger, so has Twitter and Facebook and mostly a specific time of year or date.  Those last ones I can brace for {as much as anyone can} or avoid Twitter or Facebook for some time if I feel like I just don’t want to face it for the moment.  My husband will brace me for television or movies that might have some sensitive material in it for me and will be there if it gets to me.  Those I can all ‘deal’ with. They make sense and can be avoided.

One trigger I am having some trouble coming to terms with – or figuring out just how to deal with – are triggers that are from within my body – normal body functions.

Miscarriages are painful.  PHYSICALLY PAINFUL.  Cramping and bleeding can be intense and one of my biggest lingering triggers is normal menstrual cramping and bleeding.  Kind of a double hit because women can be more emotional during their period and compound that with an emotional trigger response it can be very difficult. Very.

It can sort of throw me back. It triggers me to re-live those days where i was fighting emotional and physical anguish.  It leaves me confused. Confused because I can’t avoid it.  I am almost certain that the emotions that play into it make the cramps that much worse which is then a cycle that I just can’t seem to avoid.

It has slowed down a bit now because I am on birth control that stops monthly periods but the cramps still come and go and each time I can be caught off guard and will find myself back there.

It is hard. very hard. I am learning that it is okay to feel it. I am learning to sit in the grief because running away from it will not make it disappear.  It will be okay.

{right?}

Everyone Knows About You, But No One Knows Where You Went

I have never spoken to anyone about this but my husband, my mother, and, of course, my doctors. This may be one of the hardest things I will ever write. It may not all make sense. I don’t remember it all. But yet I remember it like it was yesterday. I will never forget it. This is my PTSD talking. I am in a very bad place right now. And I  know what happened to me isn’t as bad as some but to me it’s worse because she was mine.

Anyway, Oh God here goes…

You were due December 25th. I was so excited that both of your sisters were Christmas babies. I love Christmas. And I still do. Your due date was so amazing I couldn’t believe it – three children born on or around Christmas.

The beginning of my pregnancy didn’t seem out of the ordinary. Normal morning all day sickness for me.  Around 6 weeks something felt off I called my Doctor who is AMAZING, and she got me right in for an ultrasound. There you were – perfect. And fine. Little heart beating to beat the band with a due date of Dec. 25th. I felt better. Things resumed. We got to our 12th week and we told everyone and even started buying things. Come on – you were my fourth baby. What could go wrong? How could I even think that?? Everything was fine .

Then it happened. July 27th  I felt yucky and my back hurt SO bad. I should have called the doctor. You might be here today. I should have known. But I just thought I worked hard that day. It was hotter than hell. And it was just a back ache. I never ever had back labor. At 2:12 on July 28th, I woke up and thought, “shit, I wet the bed.” I hit my husband and said, “I wet the bed. Go get new sheets.” And then I went to turn the lights on. And it felt really off. It was sticky. I turned the light on and there was blood everywhere. I heard a sound like I had never heard before – it was my screams. I told my husband call the doctor and tell her we’re going to the hospital. Something was very very wrong.

My mom came running in and tried to calm me, but it didn’t help. I remember telling her keep the kids out. I didn’t want them to see the blood. And my back – OMG the pain. All the sudden I felt a pop between my legs and there was a “doll” between my legs – it didn’t seem real. I thought WTF is that about my own baby. I saw your little chest heaving up and down. You were breathing!!!!!!!

I screamed for my husband to stop calling the doctor. We had to leave NOW. She’s here. She’s ALIVE. She’s breathing.

You were 18 weeks and 5 days. You were perfect – tiny and waxy, but perfect. You breathed for 5 minutes. I held you in my hand as you took you first and last breaths. I will never forget them. I loved you so much in those 5 minutes. You were my daughter, Ariel Grace.

But the horror didn’t come until we got to the hospital. You WEREN’T a baby. You were nothing. You were – I choke on the words now. You were a miscarriage. But I saw you and I held you. You WERE breathing for 5 minutes. I have a cell video of it. But you were going to be discarded as if it was a miscarriage. I flipped out like my husband has never seen me flip out. I screamed and I wailed. I hit a doctor, I think. Not my doctor. She was AMAZING. She held me while I rocked the baby. She stroked my hair. She couldn’t change the policy.

You would never exist to the world. You would get no birth certificate and no death certificate. But to me and your father, siblings and grandparents you were EVERYTHING!

I made my uncle call his friend at a funeral home. He kind of laughed – not in a mean way but he told my uncle, “She’s not even as big as a cat. I can’t charge. I won’t. It’s a freebie.” I have her ashes. Although that was a HELL of a fight. But I think they knew I was a mad woman and I would not leave that hospital without MY baby.

I have her ashes hidden in my room. I left the hospital the next day with nothing. No baby, no belly, no nothing. I was empty and blank and a Zombie for a LONG time. Hell, I still am. I never mentioned it to anyone. Some people asked questions. I think I probably stared at them blankly. But I never answered. My husband or mother would later. I couldn’t talk about it. It’s over a year later and the pain is still unreal. I have nightmares of waking up to the blood every five minutes. I don’t know that they will ever go away.  But what is the worst for me is I can’t talk about her to anyone but my husband, mother and therapists.

Am I forgetting her, am I not remembering her, am I cold? I just it hurts so bad. And no one that I personally know can understand that pain. No one I know in real life understands my anger and bitterness of her not being a baby because she was 18 weeks and 5 days and not a viable birth. Isn’t breathing for 5 minutes viable? Had we been at the hospital could we have made it farther my AMAZING doctor thinks that those 5 minutes were pretty darn special. And so do I for a baby with such under developed lungs.

Obviously now everyone knows she was never born and just went away. People have stopped asking questions. And I just can’t talk about it. I feel cold. And I miss her even more now. I don’t know that it will get better. She wasn’t a “real” living baby. But she was mine. I held her. I named her. I talked to her. And on her birthday I buy her a gift. I guess that really does make me crazy. Maybe I’ll stop someday. I don’t know. But I guess tonight on one of my darkest of nights, this needed to come out. Thank you for listening. No one else knows. And it hurt to talk about. A LOT so this was BRAVE. So thank you for reading.