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October 15th, 2019: Remembering The Band’s Babies

A person’s a person,
no matter how small”
– Dr Seuss

 

Today, October 15, 2019, we pause to remember the stars of our soul that were extinguished far too early.

 

To the parents who are missing their babies today and always, The Band sends our love and prayers.

To our babies, the babies who never got to experience the joys of Earth, whose lives were cut very short, we miss you.

We miss you. More than anyone can ever know. We wish we could have one more moment – one single moment – with you, as we can’t have a lifetime.

Today, we honor the short lives of some of the brightest souls, souls that have touched many and have taught us to cherish all of life’s moments.

To our babies who we carry in our hearts, instead of our arms, we will never forget you.

Love,

The Band

Band Back Together’s Wall of Remembrance:

Miscarriage:

Ally’s Baby:

  • Mary Katerina, miscarriage March 13, 2008.

Amanda’s Baby:

  • September 23, 2010, miscarriage.

Amanda and John’s Babies:

  • Juliana, July 2008, miscarriage.
  • Charlie, November 2009, miscarriage.
  • Samantha, March 2010, miscarriage.

Ameila’s Babies:

  • Her 3 Littles, December 23, 2010, missed miscarriage/June 2011, miscarriage/December 6, 2011, Autosomal Recessive Polycysitic Kidney Disease

Another Becky’s Baby:

  • Baby Savu, August 2004 missed miscarriage between 3rd and 4th month.

Ashleigh’s Baby:

  • Baby Garrett, September 13 2012, Miscarriage

Aunt Becky’s Babies:

  • February, 2008, Baby 1, miscarriage.
  • March, 2008, Baby 2, miscarriage.
  • August 2017 ,Tuesday, miscarriage

Baby Boy:

  • February 15, 2000, miscarriage.

Baby Ian:

  • Pregnant October 2011, unpregnant January 2012, ectopic pregnancy.

Baby KJ:

  • July 15, 2008, miscarriage.

Baby Moll:

  • June 13, 2005, miscarriage.

Baby Noah Walter

  • January 2012, miscarriage.

Barbara’s Babies:

  • Malcolm, January 2008, miscarriage.
  • Ophelia, April 2009, miscarriage.

Blazngfrye’s Babies:

  • Caden, miscarriage, May 1989.
  • Aubrey, miscarriage, December 1993.

Courtney’s Baby:

  • Kaycie, miscarriage, 6/14/2011.

Courtney’s Son:

  • Joshua, D/C 16 weeks

Dawn’s Baby:

  • Baby Jones #1, February 2007, miscarriage at 12 weeks due to blighted ovum (Empty Gestational Sac).

Debbie’s Babies:

  • Michelle, November 1991, miscarriage
  • 2 babies, miscarried in 1994 and 1999.

Elsie’s Ten Possibilities:

  • Nine Embies, 2008
  • Lola, 2011

Erin’s Babies:

  • Baby 1, September 2006, miscarriage.
  • Baby 2, January 2007, miscarriage.
  • Baby Girl 1, December 2008, late miscarriage.
  • Baby Girl 2, August 17, 2009, born still at 18 weeks.

Ewokmama’s Baby:

  • March 2005, miscarriage at 13 weeks.

Fibi’s Baby:

  • Biscuit, July 18, 2012, miscarriage.

Heather’s Babies:

  • Unnamed baby, 6w1d, September 18, 2010, miscarriage.
  • Unnamed baby, 6w2d, June 22, 2011, miscarriage.
  • Unnamed baby, 5w, August 15, 2011, miscarriage.

Her Almost:

  • Pregnant in December, 2007. Unpregnant by February, 2008.

Her Highness:

  • Forget Me Not #1, February 2009, miscarriage.
  • Forget Me Not #2, January 2012, miscarriage.

Hubbit:

  • Two boys.

InDueTime’s Baby:

  • Baby M, September 10, 2011, miscarriage.

Jenna’s Daughter:

  • Stella, February 13, 2011, miscarriage.

Jennifer’s Baby:

  • June 8, 2008, early miscarriage.

Joules’ Babies:

  • November 2007, early miscarriage
  • November 2011, early miscarriage

Justine and Boo’s Baby:

  • June 2009, miscarriage.

Kallay and Ryan’s Baby:

  • Baby C lost to a partial miscarriage, May 17, 2010. Baby C is survived by twin sisters, Lily and Molly who were born on December 7, 2010.

Kate’s Babies:

  • Mari Elizabeth, September 2003, miscarriage
  • Noah Douglas, October 2004, miscarriage.
  • Twin Angels, July 2006, miscarriages.

Kathryn’s Baby:

  • Rebecca, June 3, 1995, miscarriage.

Katie’s Babies:

  • Baby Sluiter A, April 2007, miscarriage.
  • Baby Sluiter B, May 2008, miscarriage.

Kelli’s Babies:

  • Baby 1, September 2009, miscarriage.
  • Baby 2, May 2010, miscarriage.

Kelly’s Daughter:

  • Lola, October 9, 2012, miscarriage.

Kelly and Brad’s daughter:

  • Lily Catherine, February 18, 2010, miscarriage.

Kelly’s Babies:

  • Baby 1, April 2003, miscarriage.
  • Baby 2, October 2004, miscarriage.
  • Baby 3, February 2006, miscarriage.

Kendra Pocock’s Baby:

  • Baby JJ Pocock, July 13 2012, Miscarriage/Ectopic Pregnancy

Kim’s Baby:

  • Baby, October 1996, miscarriage.

Krista’s Babies:

  • Baby One, son late term miscarriage at 15 weeks.
  • Baby Two, second-trimester miscarriage at 14 weeks.
  • Baby Three: miscarriage, 11 weeks.
  • Baby Four: miscarriage, 13 weeks
  • Baby Five, late miscarriage, 16 weeks.

Kristin’s babies:

  • Eva, miscarriage
  • 7 other babies lost through miscarriage due to luteal phase disorder and clotting disorder.

L. Moses’ Baby:

  • Baby Moses, July 17, 2008, ectopic pregnancy

Lara and Brandon’s Son:

  • Tallon, August 14, 2011.

Lauren C’s Angels:

  • Baby, August 27, 2007, miscarriage.
  • Baby Boy, January 13, 2011, miscarriage.
  • Baby May 9, 2011, miscarriage.

Leah’s Babies:

  • Cameron, born and died May 22, 2009 at 10 weeks.
  • Jeremiah Oliver and Jillian Olivia, twin babies. Second trimester loss July 9, 2010 and July 14, 2010 respectively.

Lisa’s Baby:

  • July 1994, ectopic pregnancy resulting in emergency surgery.

Lisa’s Baby:

  • Natasha Anastasia, September 7, 2011, miscarriage.

Maresi’s Baby:

  • Baby B #3, September 1, 2011, miscarriage at 5 weeks.

Marlowe Corrine, September 19, 2006, early miscarriage.

Melissa’s Baby

  • June 11, 2011, miscarriage

Melissa’s Babies:

  • Baby Angel, February 8, 1998, blighted ovum/miscarriage
  • Albert Eugene, October 31, 2000, miscarriage

Mindy’s Three Angels:

  • Angel One, September 9, 2005, miscarriage.
  • Angel Two, July 17, 2007, miscarriage.
  • Angel Three, September 25, 2010, miscarriage.

Miranda’s Baby:

  • Peanut, August 7, 2011, miscarriage.

Natalie’s Baby:

  • Baby One, February 2, 2011, miscarriage.

Natalie’s Baby:

  • Hosanna Joy, June 18, 2011, early miscarriage.

Nicole’s Baby:

  • Cody Ryan-Price Grodan, February 14, 2012, miscarriage, 12 weeks.

Nicole and Jake’s baby:

  • Baby One, September 19, 2011, miscarriage.

Rachel and Jesse:

  • Babies due Aug 2008 and November 2010. Both lost to miscarriage.

Rachel’s Baby:

  • Alivia Mason, March 21, 2012, miscarriage.

Rachel’s Babies:

  • First Angel April, 2013, miscarriage
  • Second Angel July 2013 miscarriage

Renee’s Babies:

  • Isaac Ephraim, miscarriage August 2006.
  • Isaiah Jeremiah, miscarriage January 2007.
  • Ella Alicea, ectopic pregnancy June 2009.

Sarah’s Baby:

  • September 2006, miscarriage.

Sarah’s Babies:

  • April 12, 2002, miscarriage.
  • September 3, 2008, miscarriage.

Sarah’s Baby:

  • Baby Bun Bun, April 2017, miscarriage

Susie’s Baby:

  • Baby #3, June 2000, miscarriage from a blighted ovum.

Suzanne’s children:

  • Athena Rose Moore, Girl Twin B

Tammy’s Daughter:

  • Grace, 10/29/2001, miscarriage

Tammy’s Baby:

  • October 1990, miscarriage.

Three Angels:

  • September, 2002, miscarriage
  • July 17, miscarriage
  • September 25. miscarriages.

Tiffany’s Babies:

  • 2008, Little Soul 1, 2008, ectopic pregnancy.
  • 2009, Little Soul 2, 2009, ectopic pregnancy.

Yvette’s Son:

  • Sean Michael, April 14, 1987, miscarriage.

Stillbirth:

Allyson’s Son:

  • Nolan “Shepherd,” stillborn at 17 weeks on September 15, 2009.

Amanda’s Baby:

  • Jamie, 4/6/2010

Angie’s Daughter:

  • Madeleine Rose, stillborn July 7, 2009 due to incompetent cervix and uterine infection.

Ann’s Son:

  • Orion, stillborn May 8, 2004

Beka’s Son:

  • Benjamin, September 4, 2012, stillbirth.

Beryl’s Daughter:

  • Bella Rose, stillborn on September 9, 2009.

Brenda’s Son:

  • Emerson Allen Behrends, July 10, 2001, stillborn.

Danielle’s Baby:

  • Micah Rachel

Debbie’s Son:

  • Jonathan Edward, June 4, 1992, stillborn.

Debbie And Jeff’s Daughter:

  • Chloe Eva, September 12, 2008, stillbirth.

Heather and David’s Daughter:

  • Clara Edith, July 1, 2012, Stillbirth at 42 weeks, 3 days due to meconium aspiration and uterine infection.

Jill and Mark’s Baby:

  • Haven, November 26, 2003, stillborn at 38 weeks gestation

Jolene’s Daughter:

  • Ruth, January 3, 2013, stillbirth

Leslie’s Son:

  • Cullen Liam, born still September 11, 2010.

Lilla and Gareth’s daughter:

  • Pippa, born still on February 13, 2011 from listeria infection.

Lillie Belle:

  • Stillborn, born still  2017

Lisa’s Daughter:

  • Kaitlyn Grace, stillborn, born still, May 13, 1995.

Louise and Joseph’s Baby:

  • Alice Mathelin, born still on February 25, 2011, at 36 weeks and 5 days from Abruptio Placentae

Martha’s Twin Boys:

  • Owen died March 8, 2008 because his cord wasn’t properly attached to the placenta.
  • Joshua died one month later, April 6, 2008 because he couldn’t live without his brother. Both were born still on April 8, 2008.

Melanie’s Daughter:

  • Summer Lily, born still March 30, 2011.

Mel’s Daughter:

  • Jordan Ala, stillborn on November 13, 2006.

Melissa’s Twins:

  • Nicholas Aaron and Nathan Alexander, June 9, 2000, stillbirth

Nikki’s Son:

  • Sam, 1997, intrauterine fetal demise

Sarah’s Daughter:

  • Audrey Elizabeth, August 7, 1998, born still.

Selah Mae: born January 22, 2002, stillborn.

Stephanie’s Son:

  • Carter Austin Ross, March 18, 2006, stillbirth due to an umbilical cord anomaly.

TiaMaria’s Daughter:

  • Isabella-Rose Elizabeth, October 12, 2009, stillbirth.

Prematurity:

Amy and James’s Babies:

  • Jacob Bennett born and died on July 11, 2007 due to premature rupture of membranes (PROM).
  • Samantha Lauren born August 16, 2011 at 23.5 weeks passed away September 17th due to extreme prematurity and fungal meningitis.

Baby Helen: Born July, 1993. Passed from prematurity.

Celeste’s Son:

  • Christopher Robin Cote: Born September 25, 2009. Stillborn due to premature rupture of membranes and incompetent cervix.

Chantel’s Daughter:

  • Emily, prematurity born 19w 5 days – was too small for the equipment.

Christine’s Son:

  • Jellybean, born at 5:20 April 15th, 2009; and passed just four short hours later in her arms.

Heather and Aaron’s Son:

  • Aodin R. Hurd, October 7, 2007, born still due to premature rupture of the membranes.

Jenn’s Son:

  • Kevin William, prematurity, 2005

Kate’s Babies:

  • Baby S, March 2008, Miscarriage
  • Evie, December 14, 2009, Triplet Prematurity
  • Jack, December 22, 2009, Triplet Stillbirth due to Prematurity
  • Will, January 13, 2010, Triplet Prematurity
  • Baby M, May 2010, Miscarriage

Kristin’s Baby (Mama KK):

  • Ariel Grace, born on July 28, 2009 at 18 weeks 5 days. Lived 5 minutes.

Leleisme’s Babies:

  • Ayla and Juliet, October 20, 2009 at 20 weeks.
  • Bayli and Thomas on June 8, 2011 at 21 weeks 2 days.

Matthew Chase Sims:

  • April 25th, 2006 due to prematurity.

Melissa’s Son:

  • Born at 21 weeks in June 2011 due to a bacterial infection, lived for 30 minutes.

Melissa’s Daughter:

  • Hope, 1993

Nicky’s Son:

  • Samuel, August 8, 2001, prematurity.

Nina’s Son:

  • Coleman Parker Garibay, September 14, 2005, lost at 6 months gestation and passed from prematurity.

Paula’s Baby:

  • Reya, September 18 2011, Prematurity due to extreme Pre-eclempsia

Qudija’s Babies

  • Mikel Azariah and Willamina Azaria born August 12, 2019.
  • Mikel was stillborn,
  • Willamina was premature at 22 weeks 6 days

S & T’s Son:

  • William, November 2, 2013, 24 weeks, 3 days, prematurity

Vickie’s Son:

Collin, complications from prematurity, 2009

Yvette’s Son:

  • Erik Richard, July 29, 1981, prematurity.

Birth Defects:

Aaron and Kristine’s Son:

  • Luke Ervin Seitz, born July 21, 2011 with Hypoplastic Left Heart Syndrome, and passed on June 28, 2011.

Amy’s Babies:

  • Mateo, Anthony, and Ian born on May 6, 2008 at 23 weeks and 3 days.
  • Mateo was born still.
  • Anthony passed away from Transposition of the Great Vessels.
  • Ian passed away after a short stay in the NICU.

Amy’s Babies:

  • Nathaniel James, August 24, 2001 – August 29, 2001, Citrullinemia
  • David Henry, May 11, 2010 – January 24, 2011, Citrullinemia, passed away after becoming sick post liver transplant

Baby Khalil, born August 14, 2009, stillborn, born still from birth defects.

Baby Kober

  • Kyle William Kober July 22, 1994 due to Hypoplastic left ventricle syndrome

Beth’s Son:

  • Ethan Connor Brockwell, May 3, 2006 – August 17, 2006. Born with Hypoplastic Left Heart Syndrome.

Christopher: November 4, 1979, due to pulmonary atresia, a congenital heart defect.

Christopher’s Son:

  • Aidan, born with brain malformation on December 16, 2008 and passed on December 19, 2008.

Cora Mae McCormick:

  • November 30, 2009 to December 6, 2009 from a congenital heart defect.

Ellen’s Son:

  • Shane Michael, born October 10, 1971 and died October 11, 1971 from heart complications before his mother could wake from anesthesia. She never saw or held him.

Julie’s Daughter:

  • Brianna Elizabeth, born January 29, 1998 and died March 7, 1998 from a heart defect.

Kathryn’s Son:

  • Seth Douglas Bonnett, Our Little “Tough guy”, March 27, 2008 – October 12, 2008. Died from Hypoplastic Left Heart Syndrome.

Raquel’s Son:

  • Austin Skylar Gregory, born July 3, 2005 and gained his wings August 29, 2005 from Multiple Complex Congenital Heart Defects.

Ruth’s Son:

  • Corbin Walker, born February 20, 2011 and died May 17, 2011 from heart defects brought on by Williams Syndrome.

Shannon’s Baby:

  • Chloe Walker, born November 29, 2000 and died June 4, 2001 from multiple congenital heart defects and heterotaxy.

Suzy’s Son:

  • Starbaby, born still February 2008 due to Trisomy 18.

Venita’s Son:

  • Matthew Connor – February 26, 2005, born at 26 weeks, passed from Necrotizing Enterocolitis (NEC).

Wendy’s Baby:

  • Reed Allyvion Miners, passed away July 5th 2003 at one hour old from Primary Myocardial Disease, a congenital heart defect.

Infant Loss:

Amy’s Sons:

  • Nathaniel, born August 24, 2001 and died August 29, 2001 from an undiagnosed metabolic disorder.
  • David, born May 11, 2010 and Died January 24, 2011 from a myriad of complications resulting from a liver transplant.

Angie’s Daughter:

  • Leia Sky Williams, born October 6, 2011, passed away from Group Beta Strep.

Baby Dominic:

  • January 16, 2002, SIDS

Baby Kash Michael:

  • Born June 3, 2011 and died September 28, 2011.

Carey’s Triplet Sons:

  • Rudyard, Desmond, and Oscar, June 4th, 2011, born at 22 weeks due to of E. coli infection.

Cecily’s Sons:

  • Nicholas and Zachary, October 27th, 2004.

Heather and Joe’s Twins:

  • Jonathan Michael and Samuel Joseph, identical twins born alive and died on May 6, 2004 from extreme prematurity and twin-to-twin transfusion.

Jana’s Son:

  • Charlie: Born May 21, 2003 and died June 14, 2003 from late-onset Group B Strep.

JennK’s Son:

  • Will, born (today) October 15, 2002 and died on September 16, 2003 from complications of late-onset Group B Strep.

Jenni’s Babies:

  • Malakai Zachary born still March 10, 2007 due to Anencephaly.
  • Five more angels, July, 2007 – May, 2010. Miscarriages.

Jessie’s Daughter:

  • Jolien, March 28, 2019

Kara’s Daughter:

  • Catherine Grace, born August 10, 2012, passed August 12, 2012, due to prematurity brought on by HELLP syndrome.

Lisa’s Daughter:

  • Kaitlyn Grace, born sleeping at 38 weeks on Saturday, May 13th, 1995. Died from a true knot in her umbilical cord.

Matt and Lauren’s Baby:

  • Isla, born 14 weeks premature on August 23, 2011 and died on October 10, 2011.

Rachel’s Daughter:

  • Mina Kathryn, born February 18, 2009, died February 24, 2009, due to complications with her PICC line.

Scribbles412’s Baby:

  • Baby R, May 24, 1998, Medicine Administration by RN who didn’t know or ask.

 Stephanie’s Son:

  • Silas, prematurity.

Venita’s Son:

  • Matthew Conner Webb, born January 11, 2005 and died February 26, 2005. He was born at 26 weeks and faced many obstacles in his short life.

Child Loss:

Aimee’s Babies:

  • Ziggy Ann born sleeping on January 21, 2009.
  • Frank born sleeping May 21, 2010.
  • Liberty Ann born March 30, 2011 and died on April 19, 2011.

 Ally’s Son: Collin

  •  Collin: born on August 9th, 2008. He passed away 30 minutes later from cardiac arrest after an emergency c-section due to a placental abruption.

Amy’s Baby:

  • Nicholas, born December 14, 2005, died April 19, 2006 from SIDS.

Claudia’s Son:

  • Max Corrigan, born November 14, 1987 and relinquished to adoption on November 18, 1987.

April’s Daughter:

  • Brianna Ann 3/19/2018, car accident – donated the gift of life to 5 people through organ donation

Brianna Ann

Colleen’s Babies:

  • Bryce Philip born May 26, 2009 and died September 1, 2009 due to SIDS
  • Ashton Karol, stillborn on February 24, 2010 at 17 weeks.

Jenny’s Daughter:

  • Addison Leah, June 13, 2008, accidental death.

Jessica and Mark’s Daughter:

  • Hadley Jane, born October 9, 2001 and died October 11, 2007.

Julie’s Babies:

  • Halsey Douglas Dukes  December 31, 2016, Halsey passed from hemophaygocytic lymphohistiocytosis (HLH)
  • Halcyon Grayson Dukes was born September 1, 2011 Halcyon failed to develop after 9 weeks

 

 

Lanie’s Sons:

  • Jake, born August 14, 2005 died August 27, 2005 due to prematurity and hydrops.
  • Sawyer, born November 17, 2009 died December 26, 2009. His cause of death has not been determined because he is part of a study at the Mayo clinic for heart arrhythmias – SIUDS (unexplained sudden infant death)

Leslie’s Son:

  • Cullen, September 11, 2010, stillbirth.

Mindy’s Son:

  • Brian Vitale, accidental death, September 4, 2007 – June 3, 2010. We miss him more and more each day.

Nancy’s Son:

  • Patrick, born April 10, 1977, Adoption

Pharon’s Daughter:

  • Sophia Lu Boudreau, born December 21, 2006 and died October 9, 2007 from SIDS.

Rebecca and TJ’s son:

  • Rafe Theobald Calvert, born on October 11th, 2009 at 26 weeks. Spent 3 months in the NICU and underwent an intestinal obstruction repair. He was released on January 11th, 2010 and we brought him home for 6 weeks. He passed away at 4 and a half months old from SIDS on February 25th, 2010.

The Stamm’s Daughter:

  • Adrienne Mae, May 7, 2006, Sudden Infant Death Syndrome.

 Suzie’s Son:

  • Nathan Michael King, died from SIDS November 2008.

Vanessa’s Daughter:

  • Kendra, April 23, 2005 to March 24, 2006. Died from Jacobsen Syndrome.

Homicide:

Chance, July 25, 2014, homicide

band back together wall of baby loss

Losing My Sister

Sunday will mark five years since my sister died. I had a hard time losing my sister to bone cancer. She fought for over three years with bone cancer that caused her daily pain and stress.

Her life ended when she’d had too many surgeries and her body couldn’t keep up. Losing my sister is the hardest thing I’ve experienced.

I don’t feel bad for her now, because she’s free from all of that. But I do miss her; more than I miss my grandparents who have passed away. Her death was a trauma for me, as her 27-year-old soul was ripped away from my family and we were left with a forever empty chair at the table.

Now, I have a daily regimen of seven medications that keep me here on this earth from antidepressants to mood stabilizers and sleep aids. I fight suicidal thoughts and feelings near-constantly during this time of the year.

I have two girls; the younger one is my lifeline. I was pregnant with her when my sister died and I live in fear that she will die and leave me just like my younger sister left my mom.

My faulty logic says that little sisters die; I am so afraid that I will lose her. Her presence is one of the biggest comforts to me, which makes me love her more than her sister.

losing my sister

There, I said it: I love one kid more than the other.

What can I say? What else is there to do but keep pushing on, trying to move past a pain that is so old and yet so fresh.

I love you, Wends, and I will see you one day.

I Couldn’t Save Her

When I was 15, my childhood best friend tried to kill herself.

My family had moved away two years before, so I wasn’t there. I wasn’t the one in school who she told that she’d swallowed all the Tylenol. I wasn’t there to watch her life fall apart and hold her hand through it all. I wasn’t there to see her slow descent into that darkness.

But the truth is, I knew.

I knew from her letters, from the sporadic phone calls. I knew from other people’s letters. I had been waiting for that phone call telling me she’d done it. Honestly, I’d been afraid no one would call me. I was afraid to send her a Christmas card in case something had already happened.

But when it finally happened, she was okay.

She had her stomach pumped and was admitted to an in-patient adolescent psych facility. She came out with dyed black hair, a teen bipolar diagnosis, and a cigarette habit.

She came out unrecognizable.

The next summer, I went to stay with her for a week, as I had the summer before. It was different. It was scary. Everything was just a little bit off. I sat in the waiting room of her psychiatrist’s office while she went for a check-in.

At the end of the week, her mother took me aside and asked if she’d been acting weird. I kind of shrugged and half laughed, but her mother asked again, telling me she was serious. That was when I realized something I hadn’t quite gotten before.

I was supposed to be watching her.

She stayed with me for a week after that. We went to the boardwalk. She flirted with the 20-year old ride attendant, and skipped down the boardwalk singing American Pie at the top of her lungs. She listened to the Beatles constantly, flipping the cassette of Abby Road over in the player whenever it ended, the music running all night long.

I was afraid. I was sad. I wasn’t strong enough to keep her from slipping out of control.

After that summer, there weren’t any more letters. I got a Christmas card from her a few years later, but I didn’t answer it. I didn’t call on her birthday anymore.

I’ve never really forgiven myself for that. If I could see her again, I would tell her I’m sorry, that I wish I could have been there for her, that I wish I had known how to be present and accepting of everything she was going through.

But I was 15.

I taught high school for 5 years, and if 15 year old me had been in one of my classes? I would have hugged her. I would tell her that it was a lot to handle. I would tell her that it wasn’t her responsibility to keep someone else from slipping.

I would tell her that it wasn’t her fault.

I guess I’m just not ready to tell myself that yet.

Ask The Band: Getting Lost is Easy, But How Do You Get Back?

I spent the last many years married to a woman with fairly severe (clinically diagnosed) Borderline Personality Disorder. I could very easily fill an entire book writing about what that experience was like, so it’s hard to know how to distill it. Here are some things I know-

-Years of being subjected to masterfully performed gaslighting has left me very unsure of all my own judgements and perceptions of reality.
-Years of being degraded and emasculated when I wanted to discuss my thoughts/feelings, being told that it is unattractive for a man to show “weakness” to his wife, has left me uncertain of when its ok to be vulnerable with other people.
-Years of walking on eggshells, trying so hard to do and say everything just right, but knowing that no matter how well I did, the next blow-up/emotional attack was always coming.. has left me perpetually anxious, and steeped so heavily in learned helplessness that I often struggle to even feel that I have any control over what happens in my life. I never used to be that way at all.
-Years of having all my contributions and accomplishments minimized or forgotten, and all my imperfections magnified and carefully score-carded, has left me with close to zero sense of self-efficacy.
-Years of living with someone who is intimacy avoidant and uninterested in sex, but being told the whole time that her disinterest is caused by my shortcomings—because I didn’t last long enough in bed, or because I lasted too long in bed (yes, both of those), or because of the stress I was causing her by me not making us enough money (even when I was bringing in over six figures a year), or because I was paying too much attention to (suffocating) her, or because I was not paying enough attention to (neglecting) her—has left my self confidence so damaged that I almost fear being intimate with someone again.
Probably the worst part, though? During the early “idealization” phase of the relationship, she was incredibly jealous and protective of my attention (which, at the time, I foolishly believed was just because she loved me so much) that, focusing all of my time and attention on her needs, I greatly distanced myself from any male friends I was close to, and completely cut off contact with all of my female friends. So once she flipped me into the devaluation phase, I was left with a partner who had zero interest in me, other than what I could fix or provide for her, and only weak remnants of friendships remained. I was effectively isolated to the point that I spent most of my free time just sitting alone in my basement, wishing things were different.
Isolation is definitely one of my biggest hurdles right now. I’d really like to make some new friends, particularly some female friends since I lost all but one or two, but no clue where to even start. I just really miss having more meaningful conversations and connections with people.
Another hurdle is figuring out how to integrate “what I know to be true” with “what I feel to be true.” For example, I can write down a list of all of my business/financial accomplishments and objectively say I’ve been successful in that area. I know this to be true. But I do not feel that this is true. I can find endless examples of things I’ve done or experiences I’ve had that show most of the negative feelings that I mentioned above are illogical or don’t line up with reality. But again, I still don’t feel that.
I would love any thoughts or advice from anyone who has gone through something similar. What worked? What DIDN’T work? How did you re-connect with yourself? How did you re-connect with other people and build some new meaningful friendships/relationships?

Getting Lost is Easy, But How Do You Get Back?

I spent the last many years married to a woman with fairly severe (clinically diagnosed) Borderline Personality Disorder. I could very easily fill an entire book writing about what that experience was like, so it’s hard to know how to distill it. Here are some things I know-
-Years of being subjected to masterfully performed gaslighting has left me very unsure of all my own judgements and perceptions of reality.
-Years of being degraded and emasculated when I wanted to discuss my thoughts/feelings, being told that it is unattractive for a man to show “weakness” to his wife, has left me uncertain of when it’s ok to be vulnerable with other people.
-Years of walking on eggshells, trying so hard to do and say everything just right, but knowing that no matter how well I did, the next blow-up/emotional attack was always coming, has left me perpetually anxious, and steeped so heavily in learned helplessness that I often struggle to even feel that I have any control over what happens in my life. I never used to be that way at all.
-Years of having all my contributions and accomplishments minimized or forgotten, and all my imperfections magnified and carefully score-carded, has left me with close to zero sense of self-efficacy.
-Years of living with someone who is intimacy avoidant and uninterested in sex, but being told the whole time that her disinterest is caused by my shortcomings–because I didn’t last long enough in bed, or because I lasted too long in bed (yes, both of those), or because of the stress I was causing her by me not making us enough money (even when I was bringing in over six figures a year), or because I was paying too much attention to (suffocating) her, or because I was not paying enough attention to (neglecting) her– has left my self confidence so damaged that I almost fear being intimate with someone again.
Probably the worst part, though? During the early “idealization” phase of the relationship, she was incredibly jealous and protective of my attention (which at the time I foolishly believed was just because she loved me so much).  So, focusing all of my time and attention on her needs, I greatly distanced myself from any male friends I was close to, and completely cut off contact with all of my female friends. Once she flipped me into the devaluation phase, I was left with a partner who had zero interest in me, other than what I could fix or provide for her, and only weak remnants of friendships remained. I was effectively isolated to the point that I spent most of my free time just sitting alone in my basement, wishing things were different.
Isolation is definitely one of my biggest hurdles right now. I’d really like to make some new friends, particularly some female friends since I lost all but one or two, but no clue where to even start. I just really miss having more meaningful conversations and connections with people.
Another hurdle is figuring out how to integrate “what I know to be true” with “what I feel to be true.” For example, I can write down a list of all of my business/financial accomplishments, and objectively say I’ve been successful in that area. I know this to be true. But I do not feel that this is true. I can find endless examples of things I’ve done or experiences I’ve had that show most of the negative feelings I mentioned above are illogical or don’t line up with reality. But again, I still don’t feel that.
I would love any thoughts or advice from anyone who has gone through something similar. What worked? What DIDN’T work? How did you reconnect with yourself? How did you reconnect with other people and build some new meaningful friendships/relationships?

My Heart is Broken

Today, my heart is broken. Some people that touch your life just become part of your journey. Diontae and I met in the summer of 2015. He had transferred to Olive Branch as an Assistant Manager and I was a part-time head cashier. We were the new kids, so we closed together a lot. When you spend as much time with people as we did, you make connections.

Diontae became my work husband. We kidded about this all of the time, but we had each others backs. You all know the person. The one that you go to complain to so you don’t take the stress of the job home to your family. The person who just GETS the struggles of the day to day grind of your store. You learn each other’s kids names, talk about your families, dish about the newest gossip.

I thank the stars for him at that time in my life.

I left that store in April of 2017 for personal reasons. At the time, he was my direct supervisor. The first person I called when I walked out of my store was him, my work husband. He understood why I did what I did. Yet I felt horrible, because I was losing an important person in my life.

I came back to the same company in May of this year, just at a different store. The first time I called him for some information for a customer at my current store, he told me that my old position was open and that he wanted me back. Every time I spoke to him, he’d say the same thing.

Today my heart is broken.

My first work husband is dead. He left behind a daughter and a family that loved him deeply. He also left behind a work family that loved him wholeheartedly.

Today, the world is a little less bright without Diontae in it.