I apologize in advance for my terrible writing, but I’m like 14, y’all, and I don’t even know how to say this….
I have weight issues. Serious weight issues. “So?” you ask (or I assume you do). “So do most women.”
Well shut up and listen (I say lovingly). I’ve dabbled in quite a few self-destructive behaviors in my lifetime, but I’ve always been obsessed with my weight. I’ve starved myself for days, chewed-and-spit, and tried countless times to make myself throw up unsuccessfully (my hidden talent? I can touch my uvula without throwing up!).
I know I have no justification for this. I am not fat, or even a little overweight. But being skinny, really, truly skinny… it’s like a shining beacon of light in the distance. In all the things I deal with, this is by far the least serious (…isn’t it?), but I’ve never told anyone and I feel like I have to.
And isn’t that what The Band is for?
Quite honestly … I’m scared. I’m scared it will never go away. That I’ll forever spend my nights in front of a freaking distorted full length mirror, analyzing every single thing about my body. That I will always compare myself to every single pair of thighs I walk by, wondering if mine are fatter or skinnier, because I can’t tell anymore. That I’ll never stop taking videos of myself walking around, and watching them over and over trying to see if my butt is too big.
I’m asking for your help here, Band. What should I do? Is this normal?
I know it’s not that bad, I just can’t live with it as a secret anymore. Thanks for reading this, The Band!
You’re so amazing.
First of all, how brave of you to write this!
My daughter struggled with an ED for many years along with some self-harm. Like you she was brave enough to realize she needed some help and told me (I missed all the signs). Have you told anyone else close to you about how you’re feeling? I understand the fear and desire for control over something in your life….and no it doesn’t have to last forever. I will say lots of mom things now: you are so loved, you are beautiful, I wish that you could see yourself the way I do.
I encourage you to tell someone close to you…there are therapists who specialize in ED and if you put in the work (which it seems like you want to do) you will begin your new journey to recovery. Don’t forget to check back in with us!
PS. I am a HS English teacher and you really are a talented writer. Keep writing!
Hello, person who sounds a lot like me when I was fourteen.
It’s not normal. Or rather, making those comparisons and feeling bad about yourself is normal, especially for women, because our society encourages it and that sucks, but when your mind runs with it and starts to harm you, it’s a disease and needs treatment. Eating disorders especially can have such a huge and irreversible effect on your health – and possibly kill you, and/or ruin your looks as an adult, too – that they need intervention and help as early as possible.
I know that seeking out help probably sounds like the hardest advice to take right now, but I really really hope you do. Starting by going to anyone you really trust and telling them you need help with this is often a great first step, but please take any steps you’re able to. What you’re struggling with is an illness and a serious one, but it can be fixed – many people have survived it. I wish you all the best. ♥️
There are wonderful groups and private therapists who will work with you. Now that you see the harm you’re doing to yourself, you can take the next step and get the help you need to start seeing yourself as the wonderful person you really are.
And you know what? You are amazing!
Dear Brave Anonymous,
You are so much more than a number on a scale or the size of clothing you wear. While you are certainly not alone in your struggle, this is not a healthy path to be on. There is help & you can heal, get healthy, and feel better about yourself. Being a teenager is hard, and having a good therapist and/or support group in your corner can make things so much easier.
I urge you to seek out professional help. Do you have an adult that you trust who can help you find a therapist or program? A parent, school counselor, or health teacher may be a good place to start.