I’m having trouble getting over my ex-boyfriend, and to be honest, I don’t know how normal it is. I don’t know if something is wrong with me – because it seems eerily like there is – or if this is something most people go through. As this was my first relationship, so I don’t have a basis of comparison.
I met him online, through a mutual friend of ours. When I realized he was dealing with depression, I wanted to help him. I spoke with him almost every day for a couple of months. At some point, he told me he loved me. I stuttered in awkwardness, for a minute, before he explained he meant it as a friend. I instantly relaxed and responded to the affirmative.
The second time he told me he loved me, I took it as the same meaning from before, but it wasn’t. He’d fallen for me, in spite of having a boyfriend of his own. Two days later, he told me he intended to kill himself that night. I kept talking to him until he decided not to go through with it.
The following weekend, I realized I loved him too. The next few days were filled with the duality of trying to keep him alive, and being hit hard whenever I feared for his life. That Friday, I was due to go camping. I told him how I felt about him before leaving for the long trip. My phone died before I could say much, and to my despair, there was no signal at the campground.
In full honesty, that was my worst camping trip ever. I had very few idle moments that I wasn’t repeating song lyrics in my head, with either a headache or stomachache. When I got back that Monday, things were so much better. We talked, and our relationship blossomed.
For the next five and a half months, I thought everything was good between us.
I don’t know when he stopped loving me. I had no idea until he snapped. Everything seemed normal, great even. He had launched into a fit of self-hatred and depression, and I was trying to comfort him. He turned on me in a heartbeat. He started yelling at me, and within minutes, I was in shambles. He wouldn’t talk to me after that.
Despite what had happened I still got him a present for his birthday a few weeks later. I asked him to come back to me, but he wouldn’t. When he found out I had gotten him a birthday present, he seemed angry about it. He had repeatedly told me since the split to leave him alone. I told him I would kill myself.
I picked a day to kill myself. Six days before my chosen suicide date, a friend who had just been released from a mental hospital turned up online. I started to have second thoughts about killing myself. Later that day, I spoke to another friend, and I asked him to stay with me. He surprised me with a show of compassion I didn’t expect from him, and I called off the date.
During my bad moments, I wonder if I should have gone through with it. The first week after being talked out of my original decision, I was mostly fine. I had a surgery that Friday, to get my wisdom teeth out, and that kept me mostly occupied. I didn’t really have bad moments that weekend, nor the following few days.
But over time, things seeped in. I gradually started having bouts of depression, mostly at night. Sometimes I would wish to die, but I never carried through. My friends were always there to support me. I fell back on them many a time, despite feeling like I was dragging them down. Things kept on the bad track for a while. I never physically hurt myself – though I considered it. Even in my happy moments, some aspect of the past would rear its head, and I’d drop again.
I’ve spoken to my ex plenty since. Sometimes it hurts. Sometimes, not often, it doesn’t. Many of my particularly bad downward spirals were triggered by those conversations.
It’s been a month and a half since the breakup, and I’m still fluctuating emotionally. I still love him, I still want him back. He has told me many times that it wasn’t my fault. He has even openly admitted that he used me, but I still feel like it was my fault. I feel like I failed for not being a complicated person like he wants, like I failed by being too clingy and not caring enough. I feel like I was too open, when he wanted me to be a puzzle he could open for himself.
I continue to drop like a rock, despite all reasons to be happy and efforts made to make me happy. The day after Christmas I went to an amusement park. I spent a good deal of my time trying to figure out how to fall to my death from the rollercoasters. I’m ashamed to be spiraling down like this, without a way to stop. I’m even more ashamed to want my ex back even though he doesn’t love me.
Thanks in advance for any advice you could give me, and thanks for taking the time to read my story.
can you get some professional help? It is worth being as honest as possible to the professional if you can. The person I am seeing has put a lot into perspective, don’t hide from the experiences that you’ve had you need to take the bad with the good. Life is a balance. Has your ex sought out professional help? if not maybe there is someone close to them that you could get to speak to them about it. someone that they trust and will not presume that have turned against them. keep strong keep standing as this will come to an end and you will be a stronger person for it. you are not alone in this and any helpful advice that I can give I will offer. Take your time and don’t rush anything. good luck (hugs)
(original poster here, funny how small something you didn’t feel comfortable taking credit for before can be) It’s been, I don’t know, a month since I submitted this? Something like that. I managed to work my way through all this a couple weeks ago, with help from several friends, but thanks for the advice anyways. I appreciate it deeply. As for professional help..I’d been urged towards that by friends, but rejected it due to complicated circumstances with family and worries about internet privileges. He’s gotten some professional help himself, but not for that. He’s got people close to him but I have no contact with any of them. Again, thanks for the advice, despite the timing! (hugs back)
I’ve had so many boyfriends throughout my life. The only way I ever truly got over them was to go through the pain and grief of the loss. I think that’s impossible when you keep that person in your life. I fervently believe that people should cut all contact with exes (where children aren’t involved). Every break-up is treated like a death. The ex is “in a better place,” and you bury the relationship with them. I hope you are no longer in touch with this person. And if I’m reading between the lines correctly, you are a minor and you won’t get therapy because you’re afraid they won’t let you use the internet? Can’t you tell them you’re depressed and want therapy without mentioning the on-line relationships? You really need to talk to a professional. Frankly, I think everyone should. Therapy changed my life for the better. And for what it’s worth, I married a man who suffered from major depression. It sucks being with someone like that. It’s like being with a drunk. You spend all of your time hypervigilant, monitoring his mood. Worrying all the time. It’s so stressful and not even worth it. I remember all the nights of sleep I lost over him. Just worrying. And for what? He was fine. My worry didn’t help him any. It just hurt me.
I was able to push the thoughts away in the beginning, till one day there was no real estate left under the rug, throw in an addiction or two,break up, few stressers(1major) and one rainy morning,a monday i woke frm my 2-3hours of lousy sleep,shut my work phone off then i slashed my own throat,missing carotid by milimetres(had no clue!) Tried the wrists,discovered the marvel of coagulation! Then i just tried stabbing myself at various spots(nothing like the movies)in the abdominal area.at this point im laying in my tub covered in my own blood vomit and feces at this point. Pretty much breathing thru the fresh 7 inch gash ,starting to gasp a bit finally after what seemed like all day ,35 or so minutes later,i remember thinking how resillient the body is.. i lay with my 4yr old boxer and cried for an hour before building up the courage to do all this, he finally frm the other side of the bathroom door,started wimpering nearly howling he knew something was wrong.saw his face in my head thouggt about my familly,pulled ,crawled my way to the kitchen fumbled for my phone and called 911 .vaguely remember sitting or laying in drivway waiting for ambulance with 2 police officers trying to compfort me. Woke up 20 hrs llater in icu some gifted surgeons had amazingly patchedme up…. this happened in 2008 ,ive told this story twice since…im really glad i stumbled upon this site. Thanks for listening, if ne one reads it! Im in a really bad place right now, but i now choose hope over despair as hard as it is sometimes! Thanks for letting me share, please exuse the punctuation and the graphic content . Mental illness is not a weakness, its a disease.,one that needs immediate professionnal attention
Hi Chris, it sounds as though breaking away was a difficult decision for you and you felt like there was no other escape. I can relate to this although my situation was not as graphic and my circumstances leading to feeling that trapped were about as far away as it’s possible to get. if you have not seen a therapist then I highly recommend it. you have worth and you have done great to survive so far. the fact that you have made it this far away show’s how much value that you have, I for one value your strength. I make it through every day and give myself worth by saving lives as well as offering what support that I can and I am sure that there is something there that can show you all is not lost once again. have you thought about your family? or are they empathic of your situation now? keep strong for me, I’d like to hear from you on here again