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Has anyone else experienced a feeling of extreme dissatisfaction with the society in which we live in?  I’m sure most, if not all of you, have. I get really sick of paying my taxes when they’re spent to fight countries. We buy guns and our kids get substandard food and education. People starve, have no home or prospects for finding a suitable job.

Our culture is draining; it puts the emphasis on all the wrong things; status, money, possessions. It’s no wonder that depression and anxiety are on the rise in the Western cultures.

I fantasize about getting a van, refitting it to be a little rolling house and just traveling. I’d take my acoustic instruments, books, and yes, my laptop. I’d seek odd jobs to get just enough money to buy simple food and fuel. I would chase the spring and summertime, leaving the cold and icy winters behind.

I’d get in contact with my higher self by shedding all these damn possessions, objects that thirty years ago we didn’t even know we needed. I’d go to Burning Man. I’d seek out music and art festivals.

The only thing that really keeps me from doing this is my kids. There is so much I still have to teach them. I hold no degrees but there isn’t much I haven’t thought about. I don’t think that they would understand that I have not been living the life I want.

I work because my children need clothes, money for their activities, food, school. I don’t work to attain higher status. In fact, I’d say that although my occupation involves being the leader of several men, my job is humble.

We make the products that make soils more fertile through natural means. It’s just above farming as far as humble goes. My employer is generous, giving production bonuses of a significant amount, above and beyond the wage we make.

When my wife left, my mortgage was nearly two thousand dollars in the red along with several other bills that hadn’t been paid. She’d hidden this from me and denied it when I asked about it.

My boss was the one who helped me.

I know in my heart that there aren’t many people who would have done this. Most employers would have said, tough titty, kitty. Of course, I paid the money back but it remains: I’d have been evicted and my house repossessed without his generosity.

Still, I feel that the life that I live is far from genuine.

I don’t know.

I just want to have some kind of change in my life, yet I just cannot seem to summon the strength to change anything. I want a companion, but that fucker low self-esteem, whom I call Benny, keeps the litany of insults going.

You’re a loser. How could anyone want a weak and pathetic animal like you around? Didn’t you learn anything from your marriage? You’re a useless unlovable creep.

It’s time for a huge change.

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