sometimes it’s hard to believe all that has happened.

only three short months ago, i gave birth to two baby girls who were too small and too beautiful for this world. i know this to be a fact and i have evidence…

• i have a little pink urn.
• i have sympathy cards.
• i have an obituary.
• i have two holes in my heart.

but sometimes, when i think about the specifics of what happened, it doesn’t seem real.

the doctors and nurses were wonderful. they answered all of our questions and they comforted us through it all.
“they have to be a certain size for the tubes to fit…20 weeks is just too early”

“they will not be able to open their eyes”

“if they survive the delivery? not long, honey. maybe a minute”

“i baptize you in the name of the father, the son, and the holy spirit”

i remember these voices in my head like it was yesterday.

but my babies, oh, they are slipping away. it’s been years since i held them, inhaled the sweet smell of their skin and kissed little velvety faces. we saw how ayla joy looked like her daddy and juliet grace looked like her mommy. we were mesmerized by them.

and then they had to go.

i held them every day of their lives.