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I am lost.

There’s so much that is going on in my head and I use all my energy to appear “okay” around people. I don’t know why I do it – it’s not fair to me.

I have this world I’ve lost control over; it is in a war, and it isn’t nice. They want me to lead it so I’m leading a war in which the kingdom has no leaders. They want me to deal with that too, which I’m working on.

But that isn’t the real world.

In the real world, I’m too scared to open my curtains because I believe there are two invisible, flying men watching me. I’m scared of people. I’m just scared. There are other things that affect the way I do things; it annoys me because I have no control over it.

There’s a goose that runs around – he does make me laugh, but at the wrong times. There are monsters that try and attack me –  sometimes they can succeed. There are two men I see that are complete opposites; it’s very rare that they agree on anything. There are other things too.

I have anxiety and depression.

It can take half an hour for me to get from one side of the door to the outside because I check my bag millions of times, my shoes and socks, and all the doors of the house.

Odd numbers are important.

I feel alone so much, even when I am with people. I feel like I’m a robot with people.

I have panic attacks; I don’t feel relaxed very often.

Sometimes I hear children singing nursery rhymes, but it sounds creepy. Sometimes I hear people scream from the war. Sometimes I hear them cry.

I self-harm, sometimes because the voices tell me to; they won’t shut up – sometimes I self-harm because I can’t cope with the emotional pain.

My family hasn’t helped helped me. They’re religious and my dad doesn’t like other people’s opinions, so I can’t share mine except occasionally to my friends. My family doesn’t understand what I’m going through. I always find myself comparing my struggles to my sister’s cancer diagnosis; at least she had something wrong that people could see and get out of her. My dad blames demons for my problems.

Nothing has happened to trigger this, I’m just really unlucky.

I just wanted to get it all out.