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I actually feel bad for posting this because it’s a petty problem. Everyone on here has real problems, and I’m just writing about a guy I’m still in love with. It’s pathetic, I know. No one has to read this if they don’t want to.

In 8th grade, I realized that I wanted to have someone always there to compliment me, to make me feel beautiful or important, so I was on a social media website. Even though I never believed the guys I added on there, I still wanted the attention.

Blake lived about three hours away. He accepted my friend request, and sent me a message. When I was going to spend a week at my aunt’s house, and wouldn’t have internet access, I asked him to text me. He was pretty cool and attractive. We talked a little. One day, he sent me a message saying, “Please don’t let us drift apart.” I said we wouldn’t. Sometimes, he would try to call me, but I don’t like talking on the phone, so I wouldn’t usually answer.

One day I did answer, and it was an amazing night. I got to know him a bit better than I did through text messages. He’s extremely funny, sarcastic, and witty. I found his laugh and the way he talks adorable. That started my huge crush on him. I found out the next day, he liked me, too. Long distance relationships suck. We didn’t date, but we really liked each other. Eventually, it turned into love.

I truly trusted him and loved him, so I told him my secrets. He told me he wanted to kiss me really bad, and that he loved me. He even wrote me a poem on Facebook in a message. I was happy with whatever Blake and I were. I wanted it to be official, but understood why we weren’t.

I’m insecure, and I was hurt by the distance, so I started dating Landon, a guy I went to school with. That hurt Blake a lot, but he continued to be my friend, even though it was painful. It wasn’t my intention to hurt Blake. Eventually, Landon and I broke up, and I apologized to Blake for hurting him.

I wanted to be the first to tell him “Happy Birthday,” so I called him at five minutes to 12:00 the night before. We had a very good conversation, with lots of humor, and he seemed to be in a good mood.

I told him later that when I got off the phone with him that night, my friend asked why we weren’t “dating” anymore. Blake didn’t like that. He quit texting me. I knew that I screwed everything up. He was done.

After he was gone, I realized just how much I love him. He has probably succeeded in moving on, but I haven’t. It’s been almost three years, and I still have the same feelings for him. I don’t think they’re going away.

I’m currently dating a guy named Brandon. He knows about Blake. He’s rightfully scared that I’m not over Blake, and it’s true. I’m not. I thought dating someone else would help me get over him. At one point, I thought I was. Then, I saw that Blake was going to a concert near me. I spent my summer trying to go to it, just to finally see him. I thought that he might start talking to me again. There were bands that I wanted to see, but Blake was the main reason I was going. I saw him, but he didn’t see me. He was talking to someone, so I didn’t intrude.

Later, I posted my pictures from the concert online, and he messaged me for the first time in a while. He asked if I went to that concert, I told him that I had. When I told him why I didn’t talk to him there, he said, “Oh, you should’ve said hey, I never saw you.” That made me the happiest I had been in a very long time. It sounded like he would have wanted to see me if he had known I was going. I wish I had told him I would be there.

Basically, I really hate myself for screwing things up. I still believe that I love Blake. We haven’t talked since that day after the concert. I don’t believe I should be alive because of the way I treated him. I was terrible to him, when all he did was care about me and love me. He’s so perfect, and he could do better than me anyways. But I can’t help it. I want to be selfish. I love him so much.