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A few weeks ago I was a victim of rape. While at a hens weekend in I was left alone by a fellow hen and awoke the next morning in a strange house to discover what had happened.

As I returned to the hostel I was staying in, crying and sobbing and in complete dismay, one of my friends phoned the Garda (a process I would have preferred not to take). I then had to go through the formalities – statements, giving clothing, swabs and blood etc. During my exam in the hospital, I was told I was pregnant (I have a long term partner) but unfortunately, within two days, I had a miscarriage. My partner and I were further devastated.

I cannot cope well with stressful situations, and we believe this to be the result of my miscarriage. I do not have the mental strength to pursue this case. I was told from the beginning it would be difficult to prove as alcohol was involved. I have no recollection of the event except for one or two flashbacks of saying “No.” It is a he-said, she-said type of scenario.

I have suffered with severe depression for years. This whole situation is not making anything better. I have almost tried to forget the situation. My attitude at the moment is “Well, I cannot remember, so it did not happen.” I know this isn’t the case. I know what happened to me, and I’m horrified, embarrassed, and just feel like an idiot. My partner had a gut feeling something bad would happen should I go on this weekend away. I had the same feeling, but I was being stubborn as always. Now, I have to deal with my stubbornness.

Every day, I blame myself. I blame myself for being a positive, chatty, and friendly person. If I’d sat in a corner and said nothing to anyone, who knows? This may not have happened. As the days go on, I feel I’m struggling more. I’m only thinking about making my partner feel better and come to terms with this situation. If I stop to think of me, I think I’ll fall apart, I don’t want to fall apart. I’m not coping, I’m not dealing well with this, but I feel like smiling and shutting this horrible time far into the back of my mind is all I can do.