Maybe it’s not common, maybe it’s commonly forgotten, maybe I’ll feel too ashamed to even post this, but pregnancy isn’t what I expected.
Now don’t get me wrong, I KNEW what to expect, the nausea and fatigue, the moodiness and what not, but I wasn’t prepared.
I wasn’t prepared to shy away from my friends and family, to want nothing but my bed and books. I guess I’m still kinda me, but I am a me I haven’t been for a long time, a me I thought I grew out of. It’s not that I’m not happy, because I couldn’t feel more love for this child or for my husband that I do now, it’s just that I am also sad. I am tired and sick and rather than get better as I get closer to my second trimester it’s gotten worse.
Am I going to be like my mom? 40 weeks of throwing up just because the wind blew in my face? Dear God, I hope not.
The worst part is that I can’t see the end of this. I’m not miserable mentally, but physically I am and it’s draining the reserves I have in my brain to separate my logic and my emotions.
Part of it is that I am, frankly, a little tired of worrying about everyone’s opinions, preparing myself for arguments before they have the chance to arise. It’s to the point I don’t even want to talk to anyone about babies, birth, shots, slings, ANYTHING.
Unfortunately, I care what people think, and caring what they think but knowing that I am going to do what I think is best in the end, causes me to take things personally and feel a lot of unnecessary anger. Anger makes me tired.
It’ll pass and in a few weeks I’ll be laughing at this post, calling myself dramatic and eating 14 cinnamon rolls because that’s my new favorite pastime. At least, I fucking hope so.
Until then, this is me being honest, and begging you not to say “I told you so.”
I am currently 10 weeks pregnant, and nothing – not depression, not my hard-as-hell college education, not my shitty first job – has made me so bone-deep exhausted. Feeling like just sitting up is a feat, wondering if I’m going to throw up all. the. time. is killing me. I feel like there’s nothing left to deal with the regular stresses of life, work, the holidays.
I’m lucky enough not to have pushy friends or family, and I’ve mostly avoided the arguments about what’s “best” (although, thanks, mom, for telling me at 8 weeks that I “really shouldn’t be gaining weight, yet” – I know. Food is the only thing that makes me feel better. I already have a small complex about putting those 25 pounds back on I just lost. Shut the hell up. /rant).
So I guess all I’m trying to say is that you’re not alone. The first trimester eats. It eats giant cocks. Here’s hoping it passes soon, but in any event, it will pass eventually.
Sarah says:
November 11, 2010 at 12:18 pm
I was definitely the “40 weeks of throwing up” girl, but I was also depressed beyond words. The depression was crippling. I didn’t know until recently that depression during pregnancy was even a legit thing.
I also lost the majority of my friends and my family was less than supportive… But after she was born, I didn’t give a flying fuck what anyone said or thought, who supported me breastfeeding or who was pro or anti baby-wearing or stroller-using. I soon became familiar with parenting “terms” that made me want to gauge my eyes out! CIO, AP, BF, CS, NP, EC, CD… ZOMGSTFU!!!
I named my blog “Freestyle Mom” because I do shit my own way, on my own terms, based on what *I* feel is right and what comes naturally to *me* I don’t subscribe to all the labels that have been given to “methods” of parenting… and screw anybody else who doesn’t approve.
I found freedom in adopting that mindset. I hope that you will too, because in the end, nobody else matters to your family but you. 😉
Still Ashamed says:
November 11, 2010 at 1:05 pm
I’ve never been pregnant, so I can’t comment with any hard knowledge, but please be kind on yourself.
Your hormones are going insane, and if you have any type of anxiety to start with, the unknown is the most daunting part of it all. And having a baby leaves a bazillion unknowns out there.
No one can know what it feels like until they are there. No one can know what it feels like to be you until they have ‘walked a mile in your shoes’.
I truly hope you love you for you, accept that this whole baby growing-inside-you thing is a BIG DEAL. Your hormones will make you feel all sorts of emotions. It’s hard. I’m thinking of you, and hoping for the cinnamon roll days to be near.
Joanna says:
November 11, 2010 at 1:33 pm
Oh honey, I can’t even tell you how much sense this makes! I’m 21 weeks, and have been waiting for my energy to come back since I hit the second tri. Evryone swore I’d be less tired, more motivated, start getting psyched up to fill out a baby registry… Instead I’m exhausted and starting to really worry about all of the changes this little one will mean – like me being holed up all alone in my house with no friends or family to come visit when I want to pull my hair out. Sweet.
Heather says:
November 11, 2010 at 1:35 pm
Oh honey, I know exactly what you are going through. I had Hyperemsis Gravadium with both of my pregnancy’s for the whole pregnancy. It’s awful. Don’t worry about arguing with people. You should gently remind them that YOU are the pregnant person and what you say is the LAW, and if they don’t like it they should take up with you after your little bundle of joy gets here. Seriously, I have been pregnant twice and I had to lay down the law-”Don’t poke the bear, and don’t argue with the pregnant person.” You will be ok.
God Bless!
Amelia says:
November 11, 2010 at 2:13 pm
At 9 weeks pregnant, I’m right there with you. I’m exhausted, and nervous about the future, and my place within my husband’s very tight knit family. I have a mother and brother in law that constantly hound me on when they can tell the entire world, not understanding the concept of waiting until the first trimester is over…just because it’ll make me feel better. The non stop nausea is super fun as well. I’m not a happy glowy pregnant girl. You’re not alone. Hopefully we’ll soon both be happily eating cinnamon rolls.
Kelli MW says:
November 11, 2010 at 2:46 pm
Hang in there!! Have you talked to your OB about any of this? I had a pregnancy (#2) with 9 months of nausea too. Try to rest as much as you can, and look into going on zofran. It was the only way I could function. I still felt icky, but at least I could venture past the bathroom. Also ask your OB about taking a unisom w/b6 or b12 (cant remember which, sorry!) at night. That seemed to help too. The good news is that the light at the end of my tunnel was my beautiful baby girl who was a VERY good baby and has cracked me up daily since she was 6 months of age. Tough pregnancies = easy babies. At least from my experience!! It will get easier!
abulousrachael says:
November 11, 2010 at 11:20 pm
Everyone’s pregnancy is different than others. Each one is as individual as a fingerprint.
Maybe you’re having some funky whacko hormones. The 3rd trimester may be better. They call it the “happy hormones”. Hopefully you’ll get a “high” off the happy hormones and toward the birth date, you’ll start to “feather your nest”. It’s pure instinct just like Pushing will be.
You love books. I hope you’ve read What to Expect When You’re Expecting. It is a wonderful book and gives VERY good information about everything you can expect. Also good information for the “what the fuck is wrong with me?) {Pardon mon Francais’}
All the love your way, Rachael
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Cathy says:
November 12, 2010 at 6:04 pm
I’m just over 20 weeks along with my first. I could have written this post myself a few weeks ago. I ended up taking medication for the nausea, which helped the vomiting but made the depression worse. And like you, I was afraid it would go on the whole pregnancy. Then I felt weak and guilty for feeling afraid.
The good news is I felt better at about 16 weeks, and now the nausea is almost entirely gone. Now I can barely remember how terrible it was.
Hang in there. It will get better.
Kristin says:
November 12, 2010 at 10:45 pm
{{{Hugs}}} and the raging hormones of pregnancy can cause depression during pregnancy. It’s highly under-reported because women feel to ashamed to mention it. Talk to your OB or maybe your regular doc. There are things that can be done.
Ruth says:
November 13, 2010 at 11:45 am
One of the few times I truly contemplated murder was when I told my doctor about all the rotten feelings I had during the second trimester and he quipped back that it would all go away when the baby was born. I still had months to go. Standing up in the stir-ups and strangling him seemed so reasonable at that moment. I really wouldn’t have carried through but I occasionally wonder why news hasn’t been littered with violent pregnant women going on rampages. Oh that’s right ~ too tired. I so feel your pain and distress. I wish there was a better answer other than wait. It is real. And I highly recommend a good book of your choosing.
M says:
November 15, 2010 at 4:05 pm
Thank you all, so so much. My biggest issue so far has been how alone I feel in all of this. I’m not, and it’s nice to know that.