An intro: Judgmental people are my pet peeve. The event that precipitated this Letter happened 5 years ago, and as badly as I would like to let the entire world know about these people, I have changed all names to protect the guilty.
Dear Ex Sister-In-Law:
You don’t know me and we’ve never met. I’m Evil Stepmother #3. For the past 10 years, I’ve had the pleasure of knowing your sister and her son, Lucifer. Thank you so much for not only the note you sent acknowledging the flowers we sent for your mother’s funeral, but also the note addressed to Forever Man laying out your concern for our family’s spiritual health.
It was so kind of you to let us know how evil we are. We had no idea! I’ll bet the dictionary has a picture of you next to the definition for “thoughtful.”
We really didn’t mean to ruin your mother’s funeral. My sympathy for your loss was very real, believe it or not. I did meet your mother on several occasions when we picked up or dropped off Lucifer for visitation. She treated Lucifer’s younger half-brother like a blood grandson. I don’t know whether you, as a mother yourself, can begin to imagine what that small act of kindness meant to me.
Having lost my dad and grandmother during the holiday season, I understand more than you might think. But, given your little note, I’m now left wondering how such a kind, caring woman could possibly have raised such assholes for daughters.
You said in your note that you “feel sorry for my children?”
Maybe you should focus more on your own children.
I totally understand your normal, human reaction to need to blame someone for the chaos that surrounded your mother’s visitation. But you know, my normal human reaction is: who the fuck do you think you are telling my family that we need to get right with God?
Who died and made you the Judge of the Entire Fucking Universe? You don’t know the half of what you think you know. If your opinion was even partially based on facts, we might agree on a few areas in need of improvement. But it’s obvious that you are judging from a position of ignorance. Remember that Bible verse about how knowing the truth shall set you free?
Here’s some truth for you: your sister Saint D and Lucifer are assholes.
You don’t owe me anything, and I don’t need your forgiveness. But if you really feel like you need to blame someone or judge intentions, you should blame me, not Forever Man. Why?
Because I exist.
Because I am the latest Evil Stepmother. Because Saint D never expected a sibling to take the focus off of Lucifer. Because I agreed with FM, Saint D and Evil Stepfather #2 (her live-in boyfriend) that it was unacceptable behavior to flunk out of school and live in an online fantasy world. That it was unacceptable behavior to disregard personal hygiene. To be disrespectful. To not apologize when you’re wrong. To not help fix things you broke. To not right wrongs. To lie when it suited your purpose. To be ungrateful for the opportunities and help you’ve received, all freely given even when you didn’t deserve it.
In a nutshell, there must be someone to blame always when something goes awry with the Upbringing of the Crotch Parasite (love you AB!). That someone is always either the ex or the stepparent. Another truth for you: Lucifer is a parasite and so is his mother.
This is, incidentally, an insult to ticks, maggots and tapeworms.
What the hell ever happened to “Let he who is without sin cast the first stone?”
Did it never occur to you that there is something inherently unfair about judging someone without first asking for their side of the story?
Yes, life is not fair and the benefit of the doubt does not apply to divorce. If there are children involved, you are doubly screwed, no matter how good your intentions are, how hard you try, or how much you love them. You accused FM of treating Saint D “disgustingly” after the divorce. We should all be so lucky to live in a world where “disgusting” means loving your child so much that you would willing stick yourself with paying all the bills on two houses, alimony, college tuition for two (ultimately useless) degrees, child support (even when it should have been reduced or stopped), extra cash beyond that, legal bills to defend a constant stream of court actions, and personal attacks directed at FM’s employers and siblings.
You’d be quick to condemn anyone else who used their child for money and sympathy.
To be honest, I’m tired of hearing the stories. It’s not a fucking competition to see who had it worst.
If only my ex had treated me so badly!
When Preacher B divorced me, I was supposed to feel privileged that I was “allowed” my freedom. I got no child support, even though Preacher was the only father Number One Son had ever known. There was no settlement or alimony. I got no share of all the property gained – cars, land, home, camping trailers, royalties – because I willingly worked my ass off as a helpmeet, while being spiritually and sexually abused in the special hell known as fundamentalist Christian patriarchy.
I was shunned by my church family.
I got nothing because I believed in educating my God-given brain. That divorce was the best Christmas present I ever received, even though it meant starting from nothing (for a second time) as a single parent. I tried to fit into, to trust new church families – Catholic, Methodist, Baptist, unaffiliated, you name it . When I was brave enough to tell my story, I can’t count the number of fine moral upstanding Christian eyes which glazed over and I became invisible again.
They have to answer for it, not me. I am not ashamed of being a survivor. I kicked stigma in the crotch.
Me! Fuck you.
All these years, FM has held his tongue, because it wasn’t anyone else’s business. Problem is, Saint D has been sharing her opinion loudly, indiscriminately and constantly for the twenty-five-plus years since the divorce. We’ve all heard her side of it.
But consider this: we have a big-ass storage bin full of court papers and check registers – it weighs about 75 pounds – to prove that the story Saint D has been feeding you all these years is a veritable cornucopia of bullshit. All for sympathy. If it weren’t for Saint D’s lawyer getting his license revoked for soliciting a prostitute, we’d probably still be tied up in a court action for something.
Forever Man is also a survivor.
I think Saint D and Lucifer have had a pretty privileged existence. Saint D’s repeated financial and emotional vengeance for the privilege of being divorced from her, even now twenty. five. fucking. years. later, is what is disgusting here. Saint D has elevated martyrdom to both a science and an art form, and passed it along to Lucifer, who has internalized the constant stream of complaints, lies, and dad-bashing since he was a toddler. This is what you’re calling values?
Rational people would call it child abuse. It is a travesty of justice that the family court consistently sided with her simply because she bears a c-section scar. Unfortunately for FM, having possession of a big-ass Bin-O-Facts does not mean justice. Joint custody and the privilege of being bankrupted maybe, but not justice.
So, let’s change gears and talk about what happened on visitation day, shall we? For the record, FM made travel arrangements with Lucifer two days before the visitation. Given the weather forecast (winter storm watch), we offered to bring Lucifer with us, mostly because we thought it would be helpful to Saint D. Because, you know, compassion. When someone dies, that’s what you’re supposed to do. We thought of her, even with the hell we’ve been through with her. Offering to help someone who’s brought FM nothing but misery for nearly forty years, since he was 18 years old?
Yeah, FM and I are the dictionary definition of assholes.
Just so we’re clear here: the ensuing crisis wasn’t because FM made any rash, selfish, last-minute decisions. Lucifer was the one with anger issues; he couldn’t handle the thought of two specific riders occupying space in the same car with him and FM. The crisis was caused because Lucifer has the social and reasoning skills of a two year old parasite. Oops, I forgot. It’s my fault because I should have known how inappropriate it was for me and Little Brother to offer FM moral support, since it was also his loss. Lucifer’s full transformation into Satan couldn’t have happened at a better time.
Last we knew, Satan had a car and a job. He could have driven himself, if he’d wanted to. Surely you could come up with a better excuse than we ruined the funeral because Satan’s mother had to drive over and pick him up!
Here’s another truth for you: Satan is an equal-opportunity hater; he hates all of you, just like he hates us. He was looking for an excuse not to attend, but one that wouldn’t look like he was deliberately trying to avoid seeing his family. You’d have thought he would have covered his ass better. I mean, come on now, most rational adult humans would have the presence of mind to reschedule a doctor appointment on the day of a close relative’s funeral. Especially since it took four days to make funeral arrangements.
It sure was awfully convenient to manufacture a crisis, blame the whole mess on FM and get out of attending a funeral. Unfortunately for Satan’s sake, we got the EOB for the doctor’s visit a few weeks later. Yes, Satan’s still on our insurance, which is by the way, just another of those nice things we do for him even though he wishes we were all dead.
We’re going to hell for sure.
When I emailed Saint D to let her know that we wouldn’t be able to come, she said that Satan had been expecting time alone with his dad.
See, another truth you need to know is that Satan has not once, in the twenty. five. fucking. years. since the divorce, asked his dad for “alone time.” “Alone time” is Saint D’s code for marginalizing Evil Stepmothers. Satan has our phone number and emails. He could get “alone time” anytime. We haven’t heard a word from Satan since that cold, snowy December day five years ago.
Yeah, we’re awful, valueless, evil personified. We’ve invited Satan over every Thanksgiving, every Christmas, anytime just because, since he moved out of our house ten years ago. Well, not for the last three years because we moved to another state and since he doesn’t speak to us, we didn’t tell him we were moving. When FM handed him the check containing his college fund and helped him move into the dorms at Big State University nine years ago, Satan’s last words to him were, “Well, be sure to let me know when this one ends in divorce, like all the others.”
As long as there was money flowing from the First Bank of Dad no questions asked, everything was fine. Until there were questions, like why he flunked out of BSU, which required thousands of dollars more to settle the final bill, which resulted in Satan’s faking a crisis to get everyone off his case. I know. See, awful nasty jerk that I am, I sat there in the ER waiting room, trying to keep everyone calm. I provided the insurance information. I made sure his prescriptions were filled. I brought clothes and other stuff to the mental ward for him. I offered to let Satan come back to our home until his apartment was ready, because he didn’t have anywhere else to go.
He didn’t seem to have a problem choosing a comfy warm bed and home-cooked meals over sleeping under a bridge. I figured out before the doctors did that it was a giant snow job. But I let it go. Yeah, more reason to hate me, since I’m a terrible, evil, valueless person for caring. He didn’t say “thank you” when he left.
He didn’t say “good bye” to his little brother. Fucking parasite.
You spoke of values. Little Brother certainly learned some important lessons about values, courtesy of your family, for which we cannot thank you enough. Like being born is the only qualification necessary for hating someone. How do you explain that to an eight-year-old child? That compassion, honesty, forgiveness and reconciliation are not in every family’s vocabulary. That families define “family” differently; no one considered it inappropriate for Saint D’s boyfriend to attend the visitation. That it’s acceptable to talk out of both sides of your mouth if it suits your purpose. Which is it: “inappropriate” or “alone time”? I would suggest neither, but who am I to judge if being petty, vindictive and immature makes someone feel better? We heard over and over, “it’s not fair!”
Little Brother understands the concept of fairness, you know. You made him cry. You people are despicable.
I’ve been calling bullshit on Satan for the 14 years I’ve known him, but telling a parent he has to choose between his children? Him or me? A child is not a paint color, a new car or a bag of potatoes. This was cruel, monstrous, despicable, evil beyond reason. I would say I hope Saint D and Satan both burn in hell, but I’m not sure I believe in hell anymore. Why do we need “Hell” when we have family? It seems to accomplish the same purpose.
So, in closing and just in case I wasn’t clear, it’s a really good thing that I’m not God, because if judgment and justice were left up to me, the Plagues of Egypt, the Crucifixion, the Inquisition, would be too lenient for your whole fucking family. You say you “don’t pretend to know [our] beliefs.” Then please do yourself a favor and save the lecture about getting “right with your Maker” because you might end up next to me in the hellhole you mentioned in your note and that would be even worse karma than occupying it with FM.
Until then, I wish you a lovely bouquet of Mushroom Prints. Asshole.
34342 and 43 are the national emergency numbers for police and ambulances in Algeria.
Suicide Hotline Algeria: 0021 3983 2000 58
Argentina
911 is the national emergency number in Argentina.
Centro de Atencíon al Familiar del Suicida (http://www.familiardesuicida.com.ar/) is made up of professionals and focuses on the problems caused by suicide, both in the community and in the people it can impact. Their number is (54-11) 4758-2554.
112 and 911 are the national emergency numbers in Armenia.
Trust Social Work and Sociological Research Centre: can be reached at (2) 538194 or (2) 538197
Australia
000 is the national emergency number in Australia.
Lifeline (https://www.lifeline.org.au/) is a 24-hour nationwide service that provides access to crisis support, suicide prevention and mental health support services.[4] It can be reached at 13 11 14. They also offer an online chat service.
Kids Helpline (https://kidshelpline.com.au/) is a 24-hour nationwide service that provides access to crisis support, suicide prevention and counselling services for Australians aged 5–25. It can be reached at 1800 55 1800. In addition the Kids Helpline does also provide online chat services.
Beyond Blue (https://www.beyondblue.org.au) provides nationwide information and support regarding anxiety, depression, and suicide. It has a helpline which can be reached by calling 1300 22 4636. The helpline is available 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. In addition, the organization also provides online chat from 15-24.
Austria
112 is the national emergency number in Austria.
142 is the number of Telefonseelsorge (http://www.telefonseelsorge.at/) in Austria. Free of charge, operating 24 hours a day.
147 is the number of Rat auf Draht (https://www.rataufdraht.at/), a crisis number especially for children, juveniles and their attachment figures. Free of charge, operating 24 hours a day.
The Bahamas
911 is the national emergency number in The Bahamas.
National Suicide Hotline: 322-2763
Bangladesh
999 is the national emergency number in Bangladesh. 199 is the national number for ambulance and fire.
Kaan Pete Roi (http://shuni.org/) is an emotional support helpline in Bangladesh whose mission is to alleviate feelings of despair, isolation, distress, and suicidal feelings among members of the community, through confidential listening. The helpline is intended for suicide prevention and the promotion of mental health.
Barbados
911 is the national emergency number in Barbados.
Samaritans of Barbados: (246) 4299999
Belgium
112 is the national emergency number in Belgium.
Stichting Zelfmoordlijn 1813 (https://www.zelfmoord1813.be) provides a 24/7 national suicide prevention phone line and a webchat everyday from 18:30 to 22:00 for Dutch language.
Stichting Centre de Prévention du Suicide (https://www.preventionsuicide.be/fr/) provides a 24/7 national suicide prevention phone line for French language.
Teléfono de la Esperanza (http://www.telefonodelaesperanza.org/) aims at promoting mental health to the Spanish and Portuguese-speaking world. Bolivians living in Cochabamba and La Paz can call (00 591 4) 4 25 42 42 and 75288084.
Botswana
911 is the national emergency number in Botswana.
3911270 is the national lifeline.
Brazil
188 is a national emergency number in Brazil.
190 and 191 are the national emergency numbers for police and ambulances in Brazil.
Centro de Valorização da Vida (http://www.cvv.org.br/) is an emotional and suicidal prevention support NGO founded in 1962 in São Paulo, Brazil, and recognized as Federal Public Utility in 1973. It offers voluntary and free support, with all communications being confidential. Contacts can be made through the phone number 141 (available 24/7), personally (in one of the 72 centres around the country), chat (via their website), VoIP (via Skype) and e-mail.
Bulgaria
112 is the national emergency number in Bulgaria.
0035 9249 17 223 is the number for the Sofia Hotline.
Canada
911 is the national emergency number in Canada.
Kids Help Phone (http://org.kidshelpphone.ca/) is a nationwide 24-hour, toll-free, confidential crisis line and counseling service available to Canadians under the age of twenty.
Crisis Text Line (crisistextline.ca), a 24/7 nationwide crisis-intervention text-message hotline created in partnership with Kids Help Phone.
The Crisis Text Line can be reached by texting HOME to 686-868.
Trans Lifeline (http://www.translifeline.org/) is a toll-free crisis hotline available in the United States and in Canada for transgender people staffed by transgender people.
China
110 is the national emergency number in mainland China.
Beijing Suicide Research and Prevention Center (http://www.crisis.org.cn), a World Health Organization Collaborating Centre for Research and Training in Suicide Prevention, available 24/7 at 800-810-1117 (for landline callers) or 010-8295-1332 (for mobile and VoIP callers)
Shanghai Mental Health Center (http://www.smhc.org.cn) serves as a mental health clinic as well as teaching, researching and planning mental health prevention throughout China. They can be reached at 021-64387250.
Shenzhen Mental Health Center (http://www.psyonline.com.cn/) free professional counseling available 24/7 at 0755-25629459
Guangzhou Crisis Research and Intervention Center (http://www.gzcrisis.com/) available 24/7 at 020-81899120 or 020-12320-5, online counseling is also available with QQ messenger at 1661042151
Mental Health Center of School of Medicine of Zhejiang University (http://www.hz7hospital.com/) available 24/7 at 0571-85029595
Croatia
112 is the national emergency number in Croatia.
Plavi Telefon (http://www.plavi-telefon.hr) can be called at 48 33 888 and aim to provide support for issues such as depression, alcoholism, drug abuse and suicide that traditional centers might not accomplish.
Cyprus
112 and 199 are the national emergency numbers in Cyprus.
Cyprus Samaritans (http://www.cyprussamaritans.org) is available every day from 4pm to 12am and is confidential. They can be reached at 8000 7773.
Czech Republic
112 is the national emergency number in the Czech Republic.
Modrá linka (http://www.modralinka.cz/) is a line of trust not only for children and youth. They provide a phone support at +420608902410 from 9AM to 9PM and a chat.
Eluliin (http://www.eluliin.ee/) provides emotional support for those suffering from depression and relationship issues. They’re available from 7pm to 7am at 655 8088 in Estonian and 655 5688 in Russian.
Fiji
917 is the national emergency number in Fiji.
Lifeline Fiji runs the National Crisis Line, Crisis Support, and Suicide Intervention line. Free calls at any time on 132454
Finland:
112 is the national emergency number in Finland.
Finnish Association for Mental Health has provided assistance and support for those dealing with mental health issues and suicide since 1897. They can be reached at 010 195 202 (Finnish) or (09) 4135 0501 (foreigners).
France:
112 is the national emergency number in France, 15 is the number for ambulances, 114 for all emergency services for deaf using FAX or SMS and 17 is for police.
Fil santé jeunes : 0800 235 236 : anonymous and toll-free number for young people.
SOS Suicide Phénix: 01 40 44 46 45 (schedule) : suicide prevention through listening and hospitality (volunteers).
Sos amitié : distress listening on multimedia platform : phone, email, chat (volunteers).
La Croix Rouge Ecoute : 0 800 858 858 : psychological support online, anonymous and free (volunteers).
Germany
112 is the national emergency number in Germany.
Telefonseelsorge (http://www.telefonseelsorge.de/) (24/7, no cost): 0800 111 0 111 (Protestant), 0800 111 0 222 (Catholic), 0800 111 0 333 (for children and youth)
Ghana
999 is the national emergency number in Ghana.
National Lifeline: 2332 444 71279
Greece
1018 (http://suicide-help.gr) is the national emergency number in Greece, 166 is the number for ambulances, 199 for the fire department, 100 is for police.
The Samaritan Befrienders Hong Kong is available 24/7 at 23892222.
Hungary
112 is the national emergency number for Hungary. 104 is the national number for ambulances and 107 is for police
Blue line (http://www.sos116-123.hu/index.php/segelykeres) – 116-123 is a nationwide 24-hour hotline – sos@sos116-123.hu is an email address to use. Helpline providing emotional support for those who are stressed, distressed, depressed, or suicidal.
Samaritans Mumbai: (smaritaansmumbai.com) – +91 8422984528, +91 8422984529, +91 8422984530 – 3 pm to 9 pm, all days. samaritans.helpline@gmail.com. Helpline providing emotional support for those who are stressed, distressed, depressed, or suicidal.
AASRA (http://www.aasra.info/): 91-22-27546669 is a 24-hours a day, 7 days a week nationwide voluntary, professional and confidential services.
112 is the national emergency number for Indonesia.
Kementerian Kesehatan: 500-454
Iran
110 and 115 are the national emergency numbers for police and ambulances in Iran.
Iran Organization of Well Being (http://moshaver.behzisti.ir/page.aspx?id=1480) has provided the free and governmental hotline, 1480, by which the specialists give different types of consultations for a variety of problems such as marriage, family, youths and children, suicide,etc. to those in need. this hotline is open
from 6 am till 9 pm everyday and its services are reached from all provinces of Iran.
Ireland
112 and 999 are the national emergency numbers in Ireland.
Samaritans (http://www.samaritans.org/) is a registered charity aimed at providing emotional support to anyone in distress or at risk of suicide throughout Ireland.
Israel
100 and 101 are the national emergency numbers for police and ambulances in Israel.
Eran.org.il Suicide line operates 24/7 including holidays and can be reached from all regions of Israel by calling 1201 or 972-9 8891333 from abroad. SMS service is given as well during Sunday – Friday between 14:00-18:00 at 076-88444-00.
Italy
112 is the national emergency number for Italy.
Servizio per la Prevenzione del Suicidio (SPS) (http://www.prevenireilsuicidio.it/) ) is a suicide prevention helpline whose mission is to give psychological and emotional support to anyone in suicidal crisis or to anyone who lost a dear one for suicide, through a confidential listening from an equipe of doctors, psychologists and volunteers . The helpline is operating from 9.30 am till 4.30 pm, from Monday to Friday, and it can be reached from all regions of Italy.
Samaritans – ONLUS (http://www.samaritansonlus.org) is available every day from 1pm to 10pm by calling 800 86 00 22 or 06 77208977.
Telefono Amico (http://www.telefonoamico.it) provides services everyday from 10am to 12am by calling 199284284.
Japan
110 and 119 are the national emergency numbers for police and ambulances in Japan.
TELL (http://telljp.com/lifeline/) provides a free, confidential English-language Lifeline service, plus clinical mental health services, for the international community in Japan.[7]
110 for Families & Children (https://www.jordanriver.jo/en/programs/protecting-children/110-families-children) The Helpline offers services in psychological support and consultation, as well as referrals. The initiative aims to alleviate the effect of risk factors children in vulnerable families are exposed to, including families facing challenges impairing their parenting, as well as abuse cases
South Korea
112 and 119 are the national emergency numbers for police and ambulances in South Korea.
Love-Line (Sarang – Jonwha) Counselling Centre Shingongduk-dong 9-22 Mapo-gu SEOUL 24 hours a day.
Befrienders hotline can be reached at 03-79568144 or 03-79568145.
Malta
Appogg Supportline 179
Mauritius
112 and 114 are the national emergency numbers for police and ambulances in Mauritius.
Befrienders Mauritius (http://www.befrienders.org/directory?country=MU) offer a limited-hour crisis helpline for English and French speakers.
Befrienders Maritius hotline can be reached at 800 93 93 +230 800 93 93 (available from 09:00 to 21:00 daily).
Mexico
911 is the national emergency number in Mexico.
SAPTEL (http://www.saptel.org.mx/index.html) is an independent care provider subsidized by the Mexican red cross. It can be reached at (55) 5259-8121. SAPTEL has been active since 2000. It is totally free and they are available Monday to Sunday 9:00 to 21:00. Provides crisis dialogue or treatment for anything related to mental health crisis.
Netherlands
112 is the national emergency number in the Netherlands.
Stichting 113Online (https://www.113.nl/) provides a 24/7 national suicide prevention phone line and webchat.
111 is the national emergency number in New Zealand.
1737, need to talk? (http://www.1737.org.nz) is the national mental health and addictions helpline. Free call or text 1737 any time for support from a trained counsellor.
Lifeline Aotearoa (http://www.lifeline.org.nz) is a New Zealand organisation providing free 24-hour counseling and phone help lines. It provides support, information and resources to people at risk of suicide, family and friends affected by suicide and people supporting someone with suicidal thoughts and/or suicidal behaviours. Call 09 5222 999 if you live within Auckland or 0800 543 354 for those outside of Auckland.
The Lowdown (https://thelowdown.co.nz) provides assistance in dealing with issues such as relationships, anxiety, and depression and are available by e-mail or texting 5626.
Norway
112 and 113 is the national emergency numbers for police and ambulances in Norway
Mental Helse Mental Helse (Mental Health). Can be reached at 116 123 and is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. Mental Helse does also provide a chat-service at http://sidetmedord.no where users can write messages anonymously and get answers within 48-hours. A chat-service is also provided. It is open Mondays from 19.00 – 22.00 and Wednesdays: from 19.00 – 22.00. The chat-services may not always be open in July and on public celebration days or Sundays.
Kirkens SOS Kirkens SOS(The Church SOS). Can be reached at 22 40 00 40 and is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. The line is free to call and confidential. Kirkens SOS does also provide an anonymous message service(which replies within 24-hours) 27 hours a day, 7 days a week and a chat open 7 days a week at 18.30 – 22.30.
The Philippines
911 is the national emergency number in the Philippines.
The Natasha Goulbourn Foundation (http://www.ngf-hope.org/contact-us/) provides 24/7 assistance to those who call (02) 804-HOPE (4673) or 0917 558 HOPE (4673)
Manila Lifeline Centre: (02) 8969191
Poland
112 is the national emergency number in Poland.
Olsztynski Telefon Zaufania ‘Anonimowy Przyjaciel (http://telefonzaufania.org/) provides 24/7 assistance as it’s the only unit of this type in Poland. They can be reached by calling 89 19288 or 89 527 00 00.
Portugal
112 is the national emergency number in Portugal.
Voz de Apoio (http://www.vozdeapoio.pt) is anonymous and confidential. You can speak to them by calling 225 50 60 70 or through Skype, face-to-face, or writing.
Sos Voz Amiga (http://www.sosvozamiga.org) is available daily from 4pm to 12am by calling 213 544 545, 912 802 669, or 963 524 660. Free Green Line callers can call 800 209 899 from 9pm to 12am.
Sos Estudante (http://sosestudante.pt) provides anonymous, confidential support every day from 8pm to 1am by calling 915 246 060, 969 554 545, 239 484 020 as well as through Skype.
Romania
112 is the national emergency number in Romania.
Alianţa Română de Prevenţie a Suicidului (http://www.antisuicid.com/) is a Romanian support helpline whose mission is to give psychological and emotional support to those that find themselves in depression, those who are in a psychological crisis and those who are suicidal. Help is offered by psychologists and volunteers from Psychology Universities.
Russia
112 is the national emergency number in Russia.
051 (or 8495051) is a 24 hour emergency number for Moscow residents
999 and 995 are the national emergency numbers for the police and ambulances in Singapore.
The Samaritans of Singapore (https://sos.org.sg/) is the only 24-hour, toll-free, confidential suicide prevention hotline in Singapore, for anyone having difficulty coping during a crisis, who are thinking of suicide or affected by suicide.”
The Institute of Mental Health (Singapore) also has a 24-hour Mental Health Helpline (https://www.imh.com.sg/contact-us/) if you are facing a mental health crisis or emergency.”
The Singapore Association of Mental Health (http://www.samhealth.org.sg/) is a voluntary welfare organisation that provides a toll-free counselling helpline for those with emotional crisis or mental health conditions”
Slovakia
IPčko.sk (www.ipcko.sk) – Suicide prevention and psychological help (mainly for youth), providing online chat counseling service from 7am to midnight. IPčko also provides email counseling 24/7 on ipcko@ipcko.sk.
Slovenia
112 is the national emergency number in Slovenia.
Zaupni telefon Samarijan in Sopotnik (http://www.telefon-samarijan.si/) is available 24-hours a day, 7-days a week. The purpose of the organisation is to be available for a conversation to anyone suffering from distress. The confidential phone call hotline is carried out in accordance with the fundamental principles of the international organisation IFOTES. Qualified volunteers can be reached on the toll-free telephone number 116 123.
TOM – telefon za otroke in mladostnike (http://www.e-tom.si) is available 7-days a week from 13:00 – 20:00 and is primarily meant for children and adolescents in distress. The telephone functions within the Association of Friends of Youth of Slovenia (ZPMS). It serves the purpose of providing emotional support for children and young people who face various questions, dilemmas or distress during the process of growing up. Advisers are available to callers needing to share their problems or are seeking advice and additional information on the toll-free telephone number 116 111.
Klic v duševni stiski (http://www.psih-klinika.si/koristne-informacije/klic-v-dusevni-stiski/) is available 7-days a week 19:00 – 7:00. Counsellors of the hotline are trained to work with people and especially trained to talk with people who are having suicidal thoughts. However, you can call for help regardless of the cause of your distress. They are available on the telephone number (01) 520-99-00.
Ženska svetovalnica – krizni center (http://www.drustvo-zenska-svetovalnica.si/o-nas) is available 24-hours a day, 7-days a week. It is a voluntary women’s organisation that works in the field of psycho-social assistance and the self-help of women who are victims of violence. They offer free counseling, information on public service competencies and assistance in organizing self-help groups to women in need. They are available on the telephone number +386 31 233 211.
South Africa
10111 and 10177 are the national emergency numbers for the police and ambulances in South Africa.
The Triangle project (https://triangle.org.za/about/) provides a helpline where lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender and intersex people can talk to a trained professional. The professional will ensure the callers privacy and can also refer the caller to other support networks. It can be reached at (021) 712 6699 daily from 13:00 to 21:00. The counselor will then call you back.
Spain
112 is the national emergency number in Spain.
Teléfono de la Esperanza (http://www.telefonodelaesperanza.org) is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, allowing callers to discuss a range of challenges from trauma and suicide to relationship issues.They can be reached by calling 717 003 717.
Sri Lanka
Sri Lanka Sumithrayo – Bandarawela: 011 057 2222662
Saint Vincent and the Grenadines
The Samaritans, St. Vincent: (784) 456 1044
Sudan
Befrienders Khartoum: (249) 11-555-253
Sweden
112 is the national emergency number in Sweden.
Självmordslinjen (Suicide prevention hotline) (https://mind.se/sjalvmordslinjen/) is a registered Non-profit organisation that has worked with mental health since 1931. The organisation provides a 24-hour email, chat and hotline service, all of which are toll-free.
Hjälplinjen (The help line) (https://www.1177.se/Stockholm/Om-1177/Om-Hjalplinjen/) offers temporary psychological support over the phone (toll-free), 7 days a week 13:00 – 22:00. You can opt to be anonymous.[17] The service is run by Sweden’s municipalities through Vårdguiden (the care guide).
BRIS – Barnens rätt i samhället (Children’s right in society) (https://www.bris.se/) is a children’s right organisation. they offer toll-free and anonymous support for all children and young adults up to the age of 18 through phone and chat every day of the year 14:00 – 21:00. BRIS can be reached at 116 111 but also offers contact to curators through email and contact with other youth through their online forum.
Switzerland
112 is the national emergency number in Switzerland.
Die dargebotene Hand (https://www.143.ch/): 143 (helpline for any kind of life crisis and mental health problems)
999 and 112 is the national emergency number in the United Kingdom
111, Option 2, is the National Health Services’ First Response Service for mental health crises and support.
Samaritans (http://www.samaritans.org/) is a registered charity aimed at providing emotional support to anyone in distress or at risk of suicide throughout the United Kingdom.[20] They provide a 24/7, toll-free crisis line, as well as local branches.
Samaritans Helpline can be reached at 116 123.
Samaritans’ previous hotline number, 08457 90 90 90, is no longer in use. Calling this line may result in charges for call forwarding.
Campaign Against Living Miserably (https://www.thecalmzone.net/) is a registered charity based in England. It was launched in March 2006 as a campaign aimed at bringing the suicide rate down among men aged 15–35.[22] It has a limited-hour phone and webchat options.
CALM (Nationwide) can be reached at 58 58 58 0800 58 58 58 (available every day from 5PM to midnight).
CALM (London) can be reached at 802 58 58 0808 802 58 58 (available every day from 5PM to midnight).
911 is the national emergency number in the United States.
The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline (http://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/) is a 24-hour, toll-free, confidential suicide prevention hotline available to anyone in suicidal crisis or emotional distress. It provides Spanish-speaking counselors, as well as options for deaf and hard of hearing individuals. It is only available in the United States. A 24-hour an Online Chat in partnership with Contact USA is also available.
The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline can be reached at 1-800-273-8255.
The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline (ESP) can be reached at 1-888-628-9454
The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline (Deaf & Hard of Hearing Options) can be reached at 1-800-799-4889
The Veterans Crisis Line (https://www.veteranscrisisline.net/) is a 24-hour, toll-free hotline that provides phone, webchat, and text options available to military veterans and their families. It provides options for deaf and hard of hearing individuals.
The Veterans Crisis Line can be reached at 1-800-273-8255, Press 1.
The Crisis Text Line (crisistextline.org) is the only 24/7, nationwide crisis-intervention text-message hotline.
The Crisis Text Line can be reached by texting HOME to 741-741.
Samaritans USA (http://www.samaritansusa.org/) is a registered charity aimed at providing emotional support to anyone in distress or at risk of suicide throughout the United States.
The Trevor Project (http://www.thetrevorproject.org/) is a nationwide organization that provides a 24-hour phone hotline, as well as limited-hour webchat and text options, for lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender and questioning youth.
The TrevorLifeline can be reached at 1-866-488-7386.
TrevorText can be reached by texting TREVOR to 1-202-304-1200 (available M-F from 3PM to 10PM ET).
The Trans Lifeline (https://www.translifeline.org/) is a nonprofit organization that is created by and for the transgender community, providing crisis intervention hotlines, staffed by transgender individuals, available in the United States and Canada.
The Trans Lifeline can be reached at 1-877-565-8860.
*Note, often the term addict and dysfunctional parent are used interchangeably.
What Is A Dysfunctional Family?
A good way to begin this page is to learn what a dysfunction family is. If you were or are a part of a dysfunctional family, define it in your terms first.
Many of the dysfunctional family problems are hard to define, as it’s normal for you; you may not see that your family is dysfunction. You may know that something isn’t quite right, but may be unable to determine what it is.
The Medical Dictionary of the Free Dictionary defines ‘ dysfunctional family’ like this:
“A family with multiple ‘internal’ – e.g., sibling rivalries, parent-child – conflicts, domestic violence, mental illness, single parenthood, or ‘external’ – e.g., alcohol or drug abuse, extramarital affairs, gambling, unemployment – influences that affect the basic needs of the family unit.”
The main things to remember about this definition are that there are multiple negative influences and that they affect basic needs. This is what separates families with minor dysfunction from those where family dysfunction is a serious problem.
The term “adult child” is used to describe adults who grew up in alcoholic or dysfunctional homes and who exhibit identifiable traits that reveal past abuse or neglect. The group includes adults raised in homes without the presence of alcohol or drugs.
If you grew up in a family with a chemically dependent, mentally ill, or abusive parent, you know how hard it is — and you know that everyone in the family is affected, some more than others. Over time, the family begins to revolve around maintaining the status quo – the dysfunction.
Rigid family rules and family roles develop in dysfunctional families that help maintain the dysfunctional family system and allow the addict to keep using or the abuser to keep abusing.
Understanding some of the family rules that dominate dysfunctional families can help us to break free of these patterns and rebuild our self-esteem and form healthier relationships.
There are many types and degrees of dysfunction in families. For the purposes of this article, the defining feature of a dysfunctional family is that its members experience repetitive trauma.
The types of traumatic childhood experiences are called Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACEs) and they include experiencing any of the following during your childhood:
Physical abuse
Sexual abuse
Emotional abuse
Physical neglect
Emotional neglect
Witnessing domestic violence
A parent or close family member who is an alcoholic or addict
A parent or close family member who is mentally ill
Parents who are separated or divorced
A parent or close family member being incarcerated
What Are Adverse Childhood Experience Scores (ACE Scores)?
There are 10 types of childhood trauma measured in the ACE Study. Five are personal — physical abuse, verbal abuse, sexual abuse, physical neglect, and emotional neglect.
Five are related to other family members: a parent who’s an alcoholic, a parent who’s a victim of domestic violence, a family member in jail, a family member diagnosed with a mental illness, and the disappearance of a parent through divorce, death or abandonment.
Each type of trauma counts as one. So a person who’s been physically abused, with one alcoholic parent, and a mother who was beaten up has an ACE score of three.
There are, of course, many other types of childhood trauma — racism, bullying, watching a sibling being abused, losing a caregiver (grandmother, mother, grandfather), homelessness, surviving and recovering from a severe accident, witnessing a father being abused by a mother, witnessing a grandmother abusing a father, involvement with the foster care system, involvement with the juvenile justice system, ad infinitum.
The ACE Study included only those 10 childhood traumas because these were mentioned as most common by a group of about 300 Kaiser members; those traumas were also well studied individually in the research literature.
The most important thing to remember is that the ACE score is meant as a guideline: Experiencing other types of toxic stress over months or years would would likely increase your risk of health consequences.
At the same time that the ACE Study was being done, parallel research on kids’ brains found that toxic stress physically damages a child’s developing brain. This was determined by a group of neuroscientists and pediatricians, including neuroscientist Martin Teicher and pediatrician Jack Shonkoff, both at Harvard University, child psychiatrist Bruce McEwen at Rockefeller University, and pediatrician Bruce Perry at the Child Trauma Academy.
When children are overloaded with stress hormones, they’re in flight, fright or freeze mode. They can’t learn in school. They often have difficulty trusting adults or developing healthy relationships with peers (i.e., they become loners).
To relieve their anxiety, depression, guilt, shame, and/or inability to focus, they turn to easily available biochemical solutions — nicotine, alcohol, marijuana, methamphetamines, pills — or other activities in which they can escape their problems — high-risk sports, proliferation of sex partners, and work/over-achievement. (e.g. Nicotine reduces anger, increases focus and relieves depression. Alcohol relieves stress.)
Using drugs or overeating or engaging in risky behavior leads to consequences as a direct result of this behavior. For example, smoking can lead to COPD (chronic obstructive pulmonary disease) or lung cancer. Overeating can lead to obesity and diabetes. In addition, there is increasing research that shows that severe and chronic stress leads to bodily systems producing an inflammatory response that leads to disease.
In addition, dysfunctional childhoods are incredibly expensive:
The breakdown per child is:
$32,648 in childhood health care costs
$10,530 in adult medical costs
$144,360 in productivity losses
$7,728 in child welfare costs
$6,747 in criminal justice costs
$7,999 in special education costs
Fortunately, brains and lives are somewhat plastic. The appropriate integration of resilience factors born out of ACE concepts — such as asking for help, developing trusting relationships, forming a positive attitude, listening to feelings — can help people improve their lives.
Source: Centers for Disease Control and Prevention Credit: Robert Wood Johnson Foundation
What Is Resilience?
Adversity is only one part of the equation. Many children with high ACE scores have their own characteristics and experiences that protect them and help them develop resilience despite exposure to ACEs. Resilience is positive adaptation within the context of significant adversity.
In the face of adversity, neither resilience nor disease is a certain outcome.
Resilience is the result of a dynamic set of interactions between a person’s adverse experiences and their own protective factors. This interaction is what determines the developmental path towards health and well–being or towards illness and dysfunction.
No child is magically resilient or invulnerable to ACEs, just as no child is automatically doomed in the face of ACEs.
These protective factors can include a person’s own biological and developmental characteristics. Protective factors can also include characteristics of the family, community, and systems that mitigate the negative impacts of ACEs. Protective factors help explain how some people who have sustained a great deal of adversity as children have fared relatively well in adulthood.
The presence of protective factors, particularly safe, stable, and nurturing relationships, can often remove the consequences of ACEs. People, families, and communities can all influence the development of many protective factors throughout a child’s life that can impact their development.
How does resilience develop?
Well, there are multiple pathways to resilience. Resilience researchers continue to refine understanding about supporting resilience.
There is agreement about a variety of important individual, family and community conditions that support resilience. Here is a list of protective factors:
Close relationships with competent caregivers or other caring adults
Parent resilience
Caregiver knowledge and application of positive parenting skills
Identifying and cultivating a sense of purpose (faith, culture, identity)
Personal developmental competencies (problem solving skills, self–regulation, agency)
Children’s social and emotional health
Social connections
Socioeconomic advantages and concrete support for parents and families
Communities and social systems that support health and development, and nurture human capital
Protective factors often help a child feel safe more quickly after experiencing the toxic stress of ACEs and help to neutralize the physical changes that naturally occur during and after trauma.
If the child’s protective networks are in good working order, development is strong even in the face of severe adversity.
If these major systems are impaired, before or after the ACE, then the risk for developmental problems is much greater. This is particularly true if the environmental hazards are prolonged.
The research currently states that even the negative consequences of toxic stress from ACEs can be buffered with the support of caring, competent adults and appropriate intervention and support.
What It’s Like Growing Up In A Dysfunctional Home:
Dysfunctional families tend to be unpredictable, chaotic, and frightening for children.
Children feel safe when they can count on their caregivers to consistently meet their physical needs (food, shelter, protecting them from physical abuse or harm) and emotional needs (noticing their feelings, comforting them when they’re distressed). Often, this doesn’t happen in dysfunctional families because parents don’t fulfill their basic responsibilities to provide for, protect, and nurture their children. Instead, one of the children must take on these adult responsibilities at an early age.
Children also need structure and routine to feel safe; they need to know what to expect. But in dysfunctional families, children’s needs are often neglected or disregarded and there aren’t clear rules or realistic expectations. Sometimes there are overly harsh or arbitrary rules and other times there is little supervision and no rules or guidelines for the children.
In addition, children often experience their parents’ behavior as erratic or unpredictable. They feel like they have to walk on eggshells in their own home for fear of upsetting their parents or unleashing their parent’s’ rage and abuse. For example, children in dysfunctional families often describe feeling anxious about coming home from school because they don’t know what they will find.
In dysfunctional families, adults tend to be so preoccupied with their own problems and pain that they don’t give their children what they need and crave – consistency, safety, unconditional love. As a result, children feel highly stressed, anxious, and unlovable.
You feel unimportant and unworthy
Quite simply, dysfunctional families don’t know how to deal with feelings in healthy ways. Parents who are dealing with their own problems or are taking care of (often enabling) an addicted or dysfunctional partner, don’t have the time, energy, or emotional intelligence to pay attention to, value, and support their children’s feelings. The result is Childhood Emotional Neglect (CEN). Children experience this as my feelings don’t matter, so I don’t matter. Obviously, this damages a child’s self-esteem and causes them to feel unimportant and unworthy of love and attention.
Children in dysfunctional families don’t learn how to notice, value, and attend to their own feelings either. Instead, their focus is on noticing and managing other people’s feelings – their safety often depends on it. Some children become highly attuned to how their parents are behaving so they can try to avoid their wrath. For example, a young child might learn to hide under the bed whenever mom and dad start arguing or a child might learn that consoling mom after that argument earns her mom’s affection. So, children learn to tune into other people’s feelings and suppress their own, which can lead to major problems later in life.
In addition to ignoring a child’s emotional needs, parents can also damage a child’s self-esteem with derogatory names and harsh criticism. Young children believe what their parents tell them. So, if your father called you stupid, you believed it. As we get older and spend more time away from our parents, we begin to question some of the negative things we were told as children.
However, it’s amazing how much of it sticks with us even as adults. The emotional sting of hurtful words and derogatory messages stays with us even when we logically know we aren’t stupid, bad, or unlovable.
Why Is There Major Dysfunction in Some Families and Not in Others?
The specific reasons for major family dysfunction are as numerous as the families that experience it. The following categories may help you understand more about why your family was majorly dysfunction.
Addictions
When a parent or guardian is addicted to drugs, alcohol, gambling, or anything else, the family suffers. Codependence can change the way you relate to each other, causing family members to focus on the addiction and the addict – and not on the suffering of their children. When the addiction is severe enough, it can eat up all the family’s financial and emotional resources. Even the most mentally healthy people are extremely challenged when there’s an addict in the family. Those who have even the slightest mental health issues tend to become sicker.
Family History of Dysfunction
People tend to learn their parenting styles from their parents or other caregivers. If their parents abused them, they may abuse their children. Or, they may go overboard the other direction, being unnecessarily lenient. They may manipulate each other and their children as their parents did. They may not truly understand how to teach their children in healthy ways.
The good news for people who grew up in a dysfunctional family is that they can learn better ways of parenting. They can deal with the issues they still carry as adults and learn how to love, appreciate, respect, and deal with each other on a less emotional, erratic way. All they need is the willingness to do the work it takes to overcome those issues and find someone to teach them better ways to parent.
Life Situations
It’s hard to imagine having a life that doesn’t include some stressors. In fact, psychologists know that a certain amount of stress can be healthy, pushing you to keep reaching for greater things in your life. However, when life’s uncontrollable circumstances jeopardize your family’s security and well-being, the stress can cause family members to lash out at each other in frustration. We all want to have a happy, peaceful life. The reality is that isn’t always easy. When this happens, children often become overlooked.
Medical Problems
Physical illness alone does not cause family dysfunction. However, it can make life much harder for everyone concerned. Parents sometimes rely on their children to do things they would ordinarily do for themselves, causing them intense anxiety and sometimes depression. If one child is ill, the other children may feel neglected as you focus all your energy on helping that one child.
You may not have had any control over the illness that puts such strain on your family, but you can control your actions, learn to use the resources available to you, and meet your children’s needs. Medical problems present a tremendous challenge, but with the right help, you can keep your family functioning well.
Mental Illness
Biology plays a major role in many mental illnesses, but the behavior problems that are usually a part of psychological problems make family life much more challenging. People with untreated mental illness can cause discord in a family that would otherwise be highly functional. With treatment, people with mental illness can be great parents. They can contribute positively to their families as children.
What Are Some Of The Characteristics Of A Dysfunctional Family?
So, what is it like to live in a dysfunctional family? For many adult children who grew up in a dysfunctional house, they may have no grasp on what is dysfunctional about their families. The follow list of characteristics of a dysfunctional family may help some of you to recognize your family in the following:
Addiction
Addictions can be a contributing factor to family dysfunction, but they can also happen as a response to the dysfunction in the family. People in dysfunctional families don’t have better coping skills to deal with the tension of living in a family that doesn’t meet their needs. As a result, they may turn to alcohol or drugs to make themselves feel better, if only for a moment.
Constant Criticism
Criticism runs rampant in a dysfunctional family. Sometimes, the criticism is blatant, with parents picking on everything the child does, says, or is.
Other times, it’s subtler, as parents use sarcasm, teasing, or put-downs in a sneaky attempt to say something negative without making themselves look cruel – it’s a definite balancing act for psychologically manipulative parents.
Communication Problems
Poor communication may be the single most telling characteristic of a dysfunctional family. While other, bigger problems may run rampant, they have the possibility to be better managed with healthy communication.
In a dysfunctional family, adults don’t listen to each other or their children. Rather than address the person they have a problem with, they go to other family members to be heard without of dealing with the problem directly.
Parents and siblings become bitter, passive-aggressive, and distrustful, all due to their inability to communicate directly with each other.
Excessive Attempts to Control
Dysfunctional families are often characterized by a parent’s excessive need to control their children and/or the other parent.
If they had a more relaxed and accepting attitude, they could encourage their children to be the best version of who they are rather than manipulating them to live their lives only to appease their parent.
Lack of Empathy
It would be a mistake to believe that your child does is perfect. In a healthy family, corrections are directed at changing behavior rather than making the child feel badly about him or herself. In a healthy family, parents love their children unconditionally even if they don’t like their behavior. In fact, it’s this unconditional love that helps them work with the child constructively.
When parents show empathy for a child’s challenges, they teach the child to care for others as well as themselves.
Lack of Privacy and Independence
Parents in dysfunctional families tend to mistrust their children so much that they constantly invade their privacy. Certainly, there may be times when a parent needs to know what’s going on with their child so that they can respond appropriately.
However, parents in a functional family find out through honest communication rather than room-raids and harsh interrogations.
Children in a dysfunctional family aren’t given the opportunity to be who they want to be. They aren’t allowed to make their own decisions, develop preferences that are different from their parents’, or have friends their parents don’t enjoy.
They’re expected to be just like their parents in every respect rather than developing their unique personalities.
Perfectionism
When a parent is a perfectionist, they put incredible pressure on the other parent and the children – not just to do their best, but to do the impossible. Perfectionism is not only unrealistic, but toxic to family life. It is a constant source of negative emotions for everyone involved. It wrings the playfulness out of young children and makes it harder for them to learn. Their self-esteem suffers, and they feel incompetent, worthless, and inadequate.
What Are The Dysfunctional Family Rules?
As Claudia Black said in her book It Will Never Happen to Me, alcoholic (and dysfunctional) families follow three unspoken rules:
1) Don’t Talk To Anyone. We don’t talk about our family problems – to each other or to outsiders. This rule is the foundation for the family’s denial of the abuse, addiction, illness, ad infinitum.
The message is: Act like everything is fine and make sure everyone else thinks we’re a perfectly normal family.
This is extremely confusing for children who sense that something is wrong, but no one acknowledges what it is. Children often conclude that they are the problem.
Sometimes they are blamed outright and other times they internalize a sense that something must be wrong with them. Because no one is allowed to talk about the dysfunction, the family is plagued with secrets and shame. Children, in particular, feel alone, hopeless, and imagine no one else is going through what they’re experiencing.
The don’t talk rule ensures that no one acknowledges the real family problem.
When the root of the family’s problems is denied, it can never be solved; health and healing aren’t possible with this mindset.
2) Don’t Trust Anyone Children depend on their parents or caregivers to keep them safe, but when you grow up in a dysfunctional family, you don’t experience your parents (and the world) as safe and nurturing.
And without a basic sense of safety, children feel anxious and have difficulty trusting.
Children don’t develop a sense of trust and security in dysfunctional families because their caregivers are inconsistent and undependable. They are neglectful, emotionally absent, break promises, and don’t fulfill their responsibilities.
Additionally, some dysfunctional parents expose their children to dangerous people and situations and fail to protect them from abuse.
As a result, children learn that they can’t trust others – even their parents – to meet their needs and keep them safe (this is the most fundamental form of trust for a child).
Difficulty trusting others extends outside the family as well.
In addition to the don’t talk mandate, the don’t trust rule keeps the family isolated and perpetuates the fear that if you ask for help, something bad will happen (mom and dad will get a divorce, dad will go to jail, you’ll end up in foster care).
Despite how scary and painful home life is, it’s the devil you know; you’ve learned how to survive there – and disrupting the family by talking to a teacher or counselor might make things worse.
So, don’t trust anyone.
3) Don’t Feel Anything.Repressing painful or confusing emotions is a coping strategy used by everyone in a dysfunctional family.
Children in dysfunctional families witness their parents numbing their feelings with alcohol, drugs, food, pornography, and technology. Rarely are feelings expressed and dealt with in a healthy way.
Children may also witness scary episodes of rage. Sometimes anger is the only emotion they see their parents express.
Children quickly learn that trying to express their feelings will at best lead to being ignored and at worst lead to violence, blame, and shame. So, children also learn to repress their feelings, numb themselves, and try to distract themselves from the pain.
The Dysfunctional Family and Shame:
Shame is pervasive in dysfunctional families
It’s the feeling you have when you think there’s something wrong with you, that you’re inferior or unworthy.
Shame is the result of family secrets and denial and being told you’re bad and deserve to be hurt or neglected. Children in dysfunctional families often blame themselves for their parents’ inadequacies or for being mistreated or ignored.
“It’s my fault” is the easiest way for their young brains can make sense of a confusing and scary situation.
As adults, part of healing from a dysfunctional family is unwinding the feeling of shame and recognizing that our parents’ shortcomings were not our fault and don’t mean we’re inadequate or unworthy.
Dysfunctional Family Roles:
The Dependent:
We generally characterize the Dependent as the focal point in the greater spectrum of dysfunctional family roles.
As they slide farther down the scale and lose themselves in substance abuse or other dysfunctions, the family’s trajectory alters course. Family members change their behaviors, whether willingly or unwillingly, to accommodate the Dependent’s lifestyle.
For some, this means enabling. A family member may find themselves lying to family friends, or cancelling obligations to bail their loved one out of a jam. Other family members react more harshly, sometimes even cutting off all contact with the Dependent.
At either extreme, this changes the whole of the family dynamic.
Naturally, the Dependent faces the most obvious struggles in getting healthy. In fact, some might even say they benefit from the existence of such a clear-cut role. They often needn’t do much soul-searching to arrive at the conclusion that their behaviors must change. (Obviously, there are exceptions, and not all Dependents succeed in recovery or even attempt it.)
The Dependent will still need to identify certain behavior patterns if they wish to achieve a full recovery.
At the onset, however, the problematic aspects of this particular dysfunction will appear far more tangibly than those stemming from other dysfunctional family roles.
Enabler or Caretaker:
This family member (often a child) tries to keep the family going despite the presence of addiction and other dysfunctions in the family. The Enabler and Caretaker works hard to protect the problem of family members from others and the consequences of their behavior.
Also known as the Enabler, we can identify at least one primary similarity between the Caretaker and the Dependent: the bulk of their daily lives seem to revolve around drugs and alcohol.
Common behaviors of the Caretaker may include posting bail after an arrest, making excuses for their addicted loved one’s behavior, and looking after the Dependent’s basic needs when intoxication prevents the Dependent from doing so themselves.
Caretakers generally suffer from codependency, which affects their relationships with all members of the household. They often facilitate—and sometimes encourage, whether purposefully or not—all dysfunctional family roles. Heaping praise upon the Hero, enabling the Problem Child’s behaviors, falling prey to the Mastermind’s manipulation, etc.
We usually think of the Caretaker as a spouse or parent.
In some cases, however, the chemical dependency or dysfunction of an adult in the household may necessitate that one of the children step up to fill this role. In such cases, the Caretaker may fit the roles of both Hero and Lost Child.
They work to keep the family together, but grow up feeling as if they never got to experience a true childhood. This may lead to feelings of bitterness and resentment. Fear and inadequacy also tend to characterize the Caretaker, especially those who blame themselves for the Dependent’s suffering.scapegoat or trouble-maker – the family member who breaks the rules – not only society’s rules but the rules laid down by their controlling parents.
They become sick or weak, or they become angry and rebellious. Either way, their well-being is sacrificed to the needs of the family.
The lost child or the quiet one – the family who never gets in trouble but always keeps quiet and unobtrusive. They an unusual amount of time alone, avoiding their family and its dysfunctional ways. Usually has poorer social skills than others in the family, because they rarely practice interacting with others.
The Problem Child:
You do not often see the Problem Child on the roster of dysfunctional family roles as they pertain to addiction and dysfunction. Perhaps one explanation for this might be the assumption that the Problem Child and the Dependent are usually one and the same. Indeed, one particularly rebellious child sometimes influences the whole of the family dynamic, leading the rest of the household to respond by filling the rest of the categories.
And as one may presume, this rebellion does often include the use of drugs and alcohol.
However, the Problem Child may also arise in response to the dysfunction caused by a Dependent.
Sometimes a Lost Child becomes tired of feeling neglected and decides to act out.
In some cases, the Problem Child acts as an inadvertent Caretaker, enabling the Dependent by diverting attention onto their own misbehavior.
Occasionally, though not necessarily in a majority of cases, diversion may even act as the Problem Child’s primary intention.
The latter case presents us with a rare example of a time in which the Problem Child will also play the role of Hero, depending upon which family member’s viewpoint we apply to their behavior.
Most experts in addiction and family dysfunction apply this description to the Scapegoat. This would make our inclusion of the Problem Child appear redundant. But as you will see below, we might make at least one important distinction between these two seemingly identical dysfunctional family roles.
The Scapegoat:
Many define the Scapegoat in the same manner as we defined the Problem Child above, particularly in regard to those who draw attention away from the Dependent’s behavior. They characterize this as an effort to protect their addicted family member, possibly out of feelings of guilt or shame. But in Not My Kid: A Family’s Guide to Kids and Drugs—which precedes Wegscheider-Cruse’s book by about five years—authors Beth Polson and Dr. Miller Newton define the Scapegoat as a family member who often does nothing to earn their role within the family’s dysfunction.
In this take on dysfunctional family roles, the Scapegoat suffers misplaced blame for the behaviors of others in the family.
Rather than a Problem Child who diverts attention, this definition casts the Scapegoat as an individual who generally exhibits relative stability and emotional health compared to the rest of the household. Nonetheless, they may receive blame for the Dependent’s behaviors if even tangentially connected to them.
“How could you allow this to happen?”
“Why didn’t you say something sooner?”
In some cases, they may even receive blame for events in which they did not participate by any action or inaction, and in fact did not even know about until they found themselves drawn into the conflict as a wrongly accused culprit.
The Scapegoat will sometimes grow to believe others’ perceptions of them. The guilt with which they have been unjustly saddled will characterize future relationships by causing frequent feelings of inferiority and self-loathing.
By contrast, some Scapegoats who recognize their unfair treatment may struggle with trust issues. And due to the complexities of human behavior, some Scapegoats will find themselves regularly torn between both extremes.
The Mastermind:
Much like the Problem Child, the Mastermind may fail to appear on most addiction-centered breakdowns of dysfunctional family roles due to the sheer assumption that the Dependent usually takes up this mantle.
We associate the Mastermind with manipulation and opportunism, traits sometimes employed by Dependents to hide or facilitate their continued use.
From the standpoint of the Caretaker, and occasionally the Scapegoat, the Dependent most certainly fills this role.
The Mastermind, however, sometimes occupies a much more complex space within the overall family dynamic.
Some Masterminds put on the façade of other dysfunctional family roles at will, depending upon the aims they seek to achieve.
Usually, however, the Mastermind simply observes the behaviors exhibited by the rest of the family, using them to their advantage.
They may use the diversions of the Problem Child or Scapegoat to engage in their own misbehavior.
Or they may take advantage of the Caretaker’s enabling nature to fulfill desires that might otherwise be denied to them.
We should clarify that, while the above description casts the Mastermind almost as a villain, they don’t always act with nefarious intent.
Sometimes, in the wake of the chaos caused by competing dysfunctional family roles, opportunism may seem the only way to meet their needs.
Take, for instance, a child who provides emotional support to a Caretaker simply to receive affection in return. This act fits the Mastermind role, as their intention revolves around their own emotional well-being rather than the Caretaker’s. But, while perhaps opportunistic, the behavior is still quite understandable.
All dysfunctional family roles, when broken down to their core, are merely different ways of seeking validation, or attention.
The need itself is not symptomatic of dysfunction, but rather a fundamental part of human nature. It is only the behavior used to fulfill this need that we may call dysfunctional.
The Hero or Golden Child:
The Caretaker might make excuses for the Dependent, but the Hero is ultimately the one who does the best job of bringing esteem to the family. Heroes work hard to demonstrate responsibility, seeking achievement in any form possible. Younger Heroes will often find numerous extracurricular activities at school, while working in their free time.
The family may rarely see the Hero due to the sheer amount of time they spend adding to their roster of accomplishments.
Despite outward appearances, the Hero suffers as much internal strife as any of the other dysfunctional family roles.
Due to their hard-working lifestyle and extreme perfectionism, Heroes suffer high levels of stress. The constant struggle for achievement, the drive to set themselves apart from the family’s dysfunction, essentially becomes its own addiction.
Much like the Caretaker, the Hero often develops major control issues. They seek validation by trying to control the world around them. To some extent, they may succeed in this.
But as each accomplishment fails to provide true inner peace, they respond by working even harder. Eventually, the Hero may take on too much or spread themselves too thin. This leads to extreme feelings of guilt and shame when the Hero finally takes on a task they cannot accomplish, and must come to grips with failure.
Relationships between the Hero and other family members sometimes become volatile.
The Hero may resent the Dependent or Problem Child, blaming them for the family’s struggles. They may even blame the Caretaker for allowing this to happen. In many cases, the Hero feels stuck in their lifestyle simply because nobody else is stepping up to the plate. They may feel as if the family’s burdens rest upon their shoulders.
Left unresolved, these inflated feelings of self-importance may lead to a difficult life of constant overwork.
The Mascot:
All of these dysfunctional family roles share one thing in common — regardless of their outlook on the situation, they usually take the Dependent’s addiction seriously. The same can be said of the Mascot; however, you wouldn’t necessarily see it upon first glance.
The Mascot often cracks jokes or finds other ways of trying to provide entertainment. They do so in an attempt to alleviate the family’s stress, although sometimes this may backfire. Particularly insensitive jokes or immature antics will sometimes test others’ patience. When their jokes are poorly received, this often only heightens their fear and causes them to double down with more humor. On such occasions, the Mascot may briefly switch roles and become the Scapegoat.
Eventually, when things calm down, they return to their role as the family jester.
Much like the Hero, the Mascot’s outward appearance masks deep-seated insecurities. They use their sense of humor as a defense mechanism to put off dealing with pain, fear, or any other sort of emotional discomfort that might cause them trouble. As a result, these feelings remain unprocessed and unresolved.
Mascots find themselves in a state of arrested emotional development, unable to cope properly with negative emotions. Their sense of humor becomes their most defining characteristic, and they fear that any failure on their part to maintain it may result in abandonment.
And so while their antics may gain them some popularity (both inside and outside the family), this popularity feels cheap.
The Mascot becomes isolated within a sea of people who enjoy their company, yet don’t really know them as anything other than a walking laugh factory.
The Lost Child:
Each of the above dysfunctional family roles manifests through action. The Lost Child stands apart, in that we characterize this role primarily by inaction. Those who fit into this role try hard not to rock the boat. They may never mention the Dependent’s behavior, perhaps even going out of their way to avoid family discussions about it. Introverted and inconspicuous, the Lost Child may take this role by choice. Many times, however, the Lost Child is as their title implies – someone whose needs were simply neglected, lost in the bedlam of family drama.
Since we characterize the Lost Child by their neglected needs, they may easily fit into many of the other dysfunctional family roles. A Lost Child who gets fed up and angry with their role may wear the mask of Problem Child for a day, simply to take the spotlight for a short period of time. The Hero may identify as the Lost Child if they feel the rest of the family does not acknowledge their achievements.
Sometimes the Lost Child plays the role of Scapegoat, disappearing from the family’s radar until they become entangled in a family dispute against their will. Usually, however, the Lost Child simply stays out of the way. In a dysfunctional household, the Lost Child feels it safer to remain neither seen nor heard.
Even when the Lost Child assumes their role by choice, they may still resent the family for their neglect.
Lost Children often grow up feeling ostracized, lonely and inadequate. They assume their neglect must result from some sort of personal failing.
That something must be wrong with them, or else they would receive the love they deserve.
This lack of esteem may lead to dangerous behaviors later on, such as self-harm or a tendency to become involved in abusive relationships.
Immediate Reactions To Dysfunctional Families:
While a child is living in a dysfunctional family, they experience immediate effects of the situation. Some of these include:
Social Isolation
Being withdrawn
Developing behavior disorders
Feeling lonely
Feeling cut off from their feelings
Being extremely self-critical
Having low self-esteem
Developing mental health issues (such as anxiety or depression)
Having difficulty expressing their thoughts and feelings
The Lasting Impact of Growing Up In A Dysfunctional Family:
The impact a dysfunctional family can be overwhelmingly and lasting. Some of the effects include:
Difficulty with emotional or sexual intimacy
Alcohol or drug abuse
Trust issues
Poor communication skills
Clinginess in relationships
Oversensitivity
Obsession with perfectionism
Feelings of abandonment or isolation
Feelings of powerlessness
Feelings of worthlessness
We can’t choose the family we’re given. But children of dysfunctional families can overcome leftover feelings from a bad childhood with a new adult perspective.
Healing From A Dysfunctional Family:
The task of healing from growing up in a dysfunctional family can feel insurmountable. No doubt, you’ve experienced at least a few negative effects of living through a hell of a childhood and many people find that these effects feel ever-lasting. They’re not, but it can be tremendously hard to even know where to begin healing. Here are some tips that may help you heal from growing up in a dysfunctional family. Please remember:
You Can’t Change Someone Else:
No matter how much you beg or plead, most adults don’t or are unwilling change their core personality and behaviors. This is a biggie, because most of us want to have a healthy relationship with our families, but you’re only capable of controlling who YOU are. Imagining our parents or family as we want them to be is called magical thinking, and it’s an ineffective coping mechanism.
Eventually, you will reach a point during which you believing a parent when they say they’ll change. If you can’t reconcile this, you’ll be disappointed often. You simply can’t continuously seek approval or acceptance from someone who never has met those needs you needed met.
If a dysfunctional parent who won’t change is harming your life with destructive behavior, it’s OK to keep your distance or cut off ties altogether.
You should only allow someone to be a part of your life if they exhibit good, consistent actions. You have every right to set boundaries to protect your well-being.
You’ll never get it back, so stop trying
Feel Your Feelings:
Feel all your feelings. You are allowed to have all of your feelings. It will take practice to get back in touch with your feelings and realize their value. But you can start by asking yourself how you feel and telling yourself that your feelings matter. You no longer have to be limited to feeling shame, fear, and sadness. You also don’t need anyone else to validate your feelings; there are no right or wrong feelings or good or bad feelings.
For now, just let your feelings exist.
Talk about your feelings and experiences. You can break down shame, isolation, and loneliness, and build more connected relationships when you share your thoughts and feelings with trustworthy people. Acknowledging and talking about your problems is the opposite of staying in denial. It opens the door to solutions and healing.
Trust others and set appropriate boundaries. Trust can be a scary thing, especially when people have let you down in the past. It takes time to learn to trust yourself and who is trustworthy and who isn’t. Trust is an important component of healthy relationships, along with healthy boundaries that ensure that you’re being treated with respect and your needs are met.
It’s All Over Now:
You can never go back in time and change your childhood.
So why do we continue to try to change it?
Many people believe they can make up for the past by trying to salvage an irreparable relationship in the present. But they often cannot and it’s a difficult pill to swallow.
You’ll always struggle with reconciling your past with your present, but it’s the personal power you grab a hold of today that will make that reconciliation seem more plausible, IF you consider that a safe option for you. If your family is toxic, you don’t need to feel a bit of guilt for estrangement and maintaining your boundaries.
Don’t Do As You Were Taught:
When you dwell on your pain, resentment, and anger from your childhood, you may be taking it out on your own family.
Worse yet, the time you spend obsessing over the past takes away the time you could be building a healthy future with your kids.
While you should be open with your spouse about your past before you get married, your family doesn’t deserve to continuously relive your pain for you.
Having a family of your own is a small, but powerful way you can redeem your childhood.
By providing your children with a loving, stable, and safe environment to grow up in, you’re putting an end to a cycle of dysfunction. You know you can’t rewind your childhood and totally get rid of the pain and trauma. But you can heal some of the pain by watching your marriage and children thrive now.
No, Really, Let It Go:
The great thing about growing up is you gain perspective, insight, and autonomy, and with this comes a capability of better coping with your bad childhood.
You’re certainly more susceptible to making bad choices when you’ve been robbed of a healthy framework by which to live your life. But now, as an adult, it comes down to you. You may feel angry, cheated and bitter, but your attitude doesn’t have to project that.
What happened in your childhood wasn’t your choice, but what happens today is. Once you realize how empowering taking back control can feel, you’ll find more peace in the fact that your parents can’t control your life any longer.
Forgiveness?
Forgiveness doesn’t have to be the last step in your healing process. Some experiences are just too painful to ever forgive, and it’s OK if you’re never able to fully forgive your family.
If you are able to forgive someone in your family, do it on your own terms, and make sure whoever you’re forgiving has accepted responsibility for their wrongdoing and is working toward making it better, too.
Often, the most effective way to heal from a dysfunctional family is to seek therapy.
You’ll forever be connected to your childhood experiences, and that’s something you have to endure. But your ultimate success and happiness is something you’re responsible for. When you grasp this, you’ve already won half the battle to healing.
Additional Dysfunctional Family Resources:
Adult Children of Addicts offers some of the very best advice you can get, as many families with addiction closely mimic those with an addict in the family.
Broadly speaking, estrangement is defined as one or more relatives (or loved ones) intentionally choosing to end contact because of an ongoing negative relationship. (Relatives who go long stretches without a phone call because of external circumstances like a military deployment or incarceration don’t fit the bill.)
In the past five years, a clearer picture of estrangement has been emerging as more researchers have turned their attention to this kind of family rupture. Their findings challenge the deeply held notion that family relationships can’t be dissolved and suggest that estrangement is not all that uncommon.
Relationships are the dynamic between two people. Relationships take care, upkeep, and resources. However, they are not always easy, and rifts may develop between two or more people. When this rift grows, and two people grow apart, the relationship becomes estranged.
Estrangement can lead to many relationship consequences, such as separation, divorce, and alienation. Estrangement is a rift or division that is the result of unmet expectations or other disruptions in a relationship. Estrangements come in all forms, particularly in families: partner from partner, parent from child, sibling from sibling, grandparent from child, aunt/uncle from niece/nephew, and so forth. Even the best of friends can become estranged from one another because of unmet expectations or other disruptions in the friendship.
When families have endured disruption related to abuse, addiction, or other trauma, adult children may sometimes step back from their parents as they sort through their childhood experience. However, estrangement can also occur when adult children experience their parent as failing to honor established boundaries, when there is a conflict over money or when there are long-standing resentments. Parental divorce and remarriage are frequent sources of distress. The disconnection that occurs when an adult child alerts a parent of the need to take a break from the relationship differs from the type that results from an angry, unexpected cut off.
Estrangement is widely misunderstood, but as more and more people share their experiences, some misconceptions are being overturned. Assuming that every relationship between a parent and child will last a lifetime is as simplistic as assuming every couple will never split up.
How Does Family Estrangement Occur?
The Psychology of Splitting From Your Family of Origin
Estrangements from family are one of the most psychologically painful experiences to experience. Estranging yourself from family is absolutely counterintuitive: Who, after all, would think to terminate a relationship with someone who raised you? Sadly, the answer is that it’s typically only people who have been neglected, abused, or exploited in some way who would pursue such a tumultuous split within the family dynamic.
Adding more stress to the already-stressful mix, society tends to give harsh judgment on people who reject their family – even as disturbed as some families can be. We must work to find the empathy for anyone who shares his or her story, it’s hard to understand that some people can be so judgmental about others’ experience – especially when they have no real idea about how bad things may have been in the estranger’s family.
After years of discontent, some adults choose to stop talking to their parents or returning home for family gatherings, and parents may disapprove of a child so intensely that he or she is no longer welcome home.
Sometimes families become so dysfunctional that a family member decides that he can’t stay connected any longer to a specific person in the family or, in some cases, the entire family. Typically people who estrange themselves from family tend to be over the age of 18, because that is the point when they begin to reach adulthood and increased independence.
In a study published in June 2017, Dr. Scharp spoke to 52 adult children and found they distanced themselves from their parents in various ways over time.
Some adult children moved away. Others no longer made an effort to fulfill expectations of their roles, such as a 48-year-old woman who, after 33 years with no contact with her father, declined to visit him in the hospital or to attend his funeral.
Still others chose to limit conversations with a family member to superficial small talk or reduce the amount of contact. One 21-year-old man described how he called and texted his mother, but not his father, after leaving for college.
Estrangement is a “continual process,” Dr. Scharp said. “In our culture, there’s a ton of guilt around not forgiving your family,” she explained. So “achieving distance is hard, but maintaining distance is harder.”
Family estrangement is often experienced as a considerable loss; its ambiguous nature and social disenfranchisement can contribute to significant grief responses, perceived stigma, and social isolation. It’s amazing how little research actually exists on this topic, that lack is due largely to the stigma associated with estrangement:
Most people don’t want to talk openly about why they estranged themselves from family for fear of judgment.
A Few Statistics
On the website Estranged Stories, both parents and their adult children can fill out surveys about their estrangement. The results are surprising. For one thing, the parents who are estranged are older than one might expect, with over one-third falling into the 70-80 age group. When asked to describe the parent-child relationship before the rift, the most popular answer given by the adult children was “moral obligation.” The second most popular answer was “volatile and/or not close.” When asked whether they bear some responsibility for the estrangement, slightly more than half said yes.
In 2014, 8 percent of roughly 2,000 British adults said that they had cut off a family member, which translates to more than five million people, according to a nationally representative survey commissioned by Stand Alone, a charity that supports estranged people.
Kylie Agllias, a social worker in Australia who wrote a 2016 book called “Family Estrangement,” has found that estrangement “occurs across years and decades. All the hurt and betrayals, all the things that accumulate, undermine a person’s sense of trust.”
Another interesting area concerns whether the children ever “concretely” told the cut-off parent the reasons for the estrangement. Over 67% said they had. This is a reverse mirror image of the parents’ response in a similar survey when over 60% said that they had never been told the reasons for the estrangement. This disparity reflects difficulties that parents sometimes have in communicating with adult children.
A British survey found that children are usually the ones who cut off contact. In fact, researchers found that members of the younger generation initiated the break about ten times more often than did members of the older generation.
Some Repeated Themes
Reasons for conflicts with adult children vary. Some adult children have severed relationships with parents due to traumatic childhoods: They were abused or grew up with parents who were alcoholics or drug users. Occasionally, family disputes have erupted over money. In the majority of cases, however, the reasons for estrangement are not so clear-cut. Still, certain themes occur over and over in commentary from adult children who have divorced their parents.
“You Weren’t a Good Parent.”
Some children feel that they weren’t loved or nurtured sufficiently. Sometimes, that’s because they were reared in a time or a culture that didn’t value open expressions of love. Sometimes it is because their parents truly had a hard time expressing their feelings. Occasionally adult children still feel hurt from episodes that occurred years ago, things that the parents may not even be aware of.
Therapists working with parents who are estranged from their adult children note powerful consequences from the cutoff. Depression related to loss and shame along with a strong sense of failure are commonly reported. Some have pursued grief counseling to deal with the overwhelming feelings of loss, while others have sought assistance to mend the relationship. There are others who suffer silently because they feel ashamed of their perceived failure.
Indeed, horrific parental behavior is sometimes assumed to be the cause of parent-child disconnection, an assumption that can heighten discomfort and despair.
“You Broke Up Our Family.”
The children of divorce often blame one party or another for the divorce. Sometimes that is due to what they have been told by one or another of their parents. Even when the divorcing parties remain civil, children often place the blame on one partner or another. After adult children marry themselves, they don’t always gain sympathy for their parents’ marital troubles. While they acknowledge that marriage is tough, they tend to feel that if their parents had persevered, they could have made it work.
“You Still See Me As A Child.”
Parents and children live for many years in a specific relationship, with parents in charge. Parents sometimes have difficulty giving up that construct. Children, on the other hand, are usually ready and willing to make their own decisions. When adult children say that their parents don’t see them as adults, they are sometimes correct. Many times parents persist in giving unwanted advice. Voicing disapproval of a child’s spouse or partner can definitely cause conflict. Finances, jobs, and lifestyle are other frustrations for conflict.
“We Don’t Have the Same Values.”
When children make choices that aren’t consistent with their parents’ values, the parents sometimes say, “We didn’t raise you that way.” They have trouble acknowledging that grown children are responsible for developing their own moral compasses. Also, trouble can arise when an adult child marries someone who differs in important ways from his or her family of birth. Sometimes the difficulty springs from differences in political leanings or religious beliefs. These issues present especially difficult challenges because political and religious beliefs tend to be closely held. Some families learn to live with such differences. Others never do.
Exactly what is meant by a “toxic person” depends upon the speaker. It’s not included in standard handbooks of psychological disorders, but generally, it’s understood to mean a person who is harmful to another’s emotional equilibrium. Those who are overwhelmingly negative, who blame others, who are excessively needy or who are casually cruel sometimes are called toxic.
Other labels that are often used to justify ending a relationship are narcissistic and bipolar. Both of these are genuine psychological disorders, but the labels are often casually applied, without any professional diagnosis.
What Are Some Of The Contributing Factors To Estrangement?
There are a number of contributors that may act as a catalyst for an estranged relationship. Unresolved issues such as trust, money, safety, emotional abuse, neglect, domestic abuse, anger, child abuse, sexual abuse or incest – all can contribute to two or more people becoming estranged.
In a study published in the journal Australian Social Work in 2015, 26 adults reported being estranged from parents for three main reasons: abuse (everything from belittling to physical or sexual abuse), betrayal (keeping secrets or sabotaging them) and poor parenting (being overly critical, shaming children or making them scapegoats). The three were not mutually exclusive, and often overlapped.
Most of the participants said that their estrangements followed childhoods in which they had already had poor connections with parents who were physically or emotionally unavailable.
Along with individual characteristics, environment can play a factor. Extreme social isolation can lead to estrangement. In particular, social isolation is often key to the control exerted by strict religious sects and cults over their members.
In addition, if one or both of the individuals involved have any of the following personality disorders, there is a greater risk of estrangement occurring:
Asperger’s Syndrome/Autism Those who struggle with Asperger’s may have more difficulty with social skills and interpersonal relationships.
Bipolar Disorder: Impulsive behaviors and decisions may lead to troubled relationships. Further, irritability and paranoia may strain relationships.
Depression: Depression may cause social isolation, irritability, sadness, and other symptoms that may lead to an estranged relationship.
Borderline Personality Disorder: Extreme difficulty with interpersonal relationships can lead to estrangement in both home and work relationships
Narcissistic Personality Disorder: Self-centered approaches to relationships can lead to confused or one-sided relationships. There is also a tendency to project insecurities or attribute characteristics upon others.
Deciding Upon Estrangement:
Family estrangement is often experienced as a considerable loss; its ambiguous nature and social disenfranchisement can contribute to significant grief responses, perceived stigma, and social isolation for some of us.
Family estrangement or disownment is a complicated process. Each person has their own unique set of reasons for cutting contact or experiencing rejection from a family unit. Some of our community members have been distanced because of a lifestyle choice, their sexuality, a gender choice, disagreements over money, religious differences, marrying someone from a different background, or not behaving to the satisfaction of their core family members.
Family estrangement can be common for families with strong and rigid religious beliefs, where younger generations often feel conflicted about their cultural heritage and make decisions that are not seen favorably or are accepted by their extended family.
People say that they chose to become estranged after occasions such as a wedding, a death in the family or a bad Christmas. These people often felt their family could not work through the intense feelings of hurt and painful memories associated with something that happened on these occasions.
Some people become estranged from their family because their family has been emotionally, physically, or sexually abusive during childhood or beyond.
It’s immensely difficult to keep a relationship together if a member of your family has been abusive towards you, and it can be extremely risky to continue a genuine relationship with this family member without the right professional intervention and support. This can unfortunately also apply to other family members who may not have believed you, or were aware of the abuse but did not have the capacity to help you with the problem. For many, estrangement may begin when someone speaks about the abuse or tries to heal the hurt caused.
Family members who are experiencing the symptoms of mental health difficulties, which are often not acknowledged or treated, may also cause distance. It can be difficult to deal with inconsistency from a close family member, particularly if that family member can’t understand and acknowledge the impact of their behavior on your own wellbeing.
Marriage and/or divorce are common features in estrangements, and often when your parents get divorced it can significantly alter your motivation to stay in touch with one or both of your parents. If your parents become re- married, this could again alter how you feel towards your family of origin.
There are, of course, many other reasons why you may feel a relationship is untenable. And the points above are in no way exhaustive.
But whatever your circumstances, people often speak of the sadness of not being able to take part in the concept of family togetherness that is seen to be at the heart of society.
People may feel vilified, even after making the ‘best’ choice out of a set of hugely difficult life choices, or after being denied a voice in the process of expelling them from a family unit. There is simply no easy answer here.
Many people report that the moment in which they became estranged with family members or loved one, was a particularly insignificant thing. The trigger for estrangement could be as easy as a disagreement over the shirt you’re wearing. See, over time, it’s incredibly easy to let the issues you have with another person be pushed away, in order to keep a positive relationship with a loved one. Unfortunately, much like a balloon popping, the years of anger, hurt, and sadness can build up until they boil over, at which time, you or your loved one simply explode over something previously innocuous. In this case, the grief and sadness and anger will be felt right up front, and dealt with as additional time passes – in a perfect world, that is. Many people feel extreme emotions and emotional triggers throughout their life on significant days and often use talk therapy to cope with their feelings.
If you are in a position to make a more level-headed decision to estrange yourself, do not simply drop the issue of estrangement on your family member if at all possible.
Make yourself an itemized list of the reasons you feel you need to estrange yourself
Try instead to do it by measure, slowly reducing contact with your family member
Decide what the best method of doing this may be for you – phone calls, emails, visits, texts. This is important especially if you know you won’t be able to get “out of their grasp” in certain situations.
Decide how long you want to use this pre-estrangement – do you think six months is enough time? A year? A week? Your answer is as unique as you and shouldn’t be given as a standard amount of time. Just do it as comfortably for yourself as possible.
Some may find it easier to put the dates on the calendar – as a reminder to reach out to your loved one and to fix a time in which you’re going to make your devision.
This action plan may cause you some anxiety or guilt or other unpleasant feelings. If/when this happens take out your list of reasons why, in order to stay true to your course. You don’t need the extra stress of this situation becoming heated enough that it drives you back to your dysfunctional family.
After your estrangement date, this may help, if you’ve not yet decided one way or another, and you’re still calm and level-headed, you can try these steps:
If you’re feeling as though you’re ready to stop talking to them, write a letter, call, text, email, whatever method works for you, let them know that you need a break from them. Explain that you feel that taking some time apart could be helpful for you and them to take some time to figure out how to navigate the relationship better, and state, “Because I do want to get along with you and I do hope we can have a better relationship in the future.” (If you feel this way)
Estrangements are messy and emotional for all parties involved. If you can avoid an estrangement and find a way to improve the relationship dynamics, that may cause you less stress in the long run – because the stress of maintaining your estrangement can be overwhelming.
A big part of an estrangement – whether or not you decide to stick with it is learning to create healthy emotional boundaries. If you’re estranged from your family, you probably didn’t have a healthy relationship with them. THIS IS OKAY. It’s NOT all your fault.
Emotional boundaries are put into place and can either affect the relationship as a positive or a negative, and you’re the one who gets to decide which way the boundaries go.
What Are Emotional Boundaries?
Emotional boundaries distinguish separating your emotions and responsibility for them from someone else’s. It’s like an imaginary line or force field that separates you and others. Healthy boundaries prevent you from giving advice, blaming or accepting blame. They protect you from feeling guilty for someone else’s negative feelings or problems and taking others’ comments personally. High reactivity suggests weak emotional boundaries. Healthy emotional boundaries require clear internal boundaries – knowing your feelings and your responsibilities to yourself and others..
It’s hard for people who grow up in dysfunctional families to set boundaries because:
They put others’ needs and feelings first
They don’t know themselves
They don’t feel they have rights
They believe setting boundaries jeopardizes the relationship
They never learned to have healthy boundaries
Boundaries are learned. If yours weren’t valued as a child, you didn’t learn you had them.
Any kind of abuse violates personal boundaries, including teasing. For example, my brother ignored my pleas for him to stop tickling me until I could barely breathe. This made me feel powerless and that I didn’t have a right to say “stop” when I was uncomfortable. In some cases, boundary violations affect a child’s ability to mature into an independent, responsible adult.
You Have Rights
You may not believe you have any rights if yours weren’t respected growing up. For example, you have a right to privacy, to say “no,” to be addressed with courtesy and respect, to change your mind or cancel commitments, to ask people you hire to work the way you want, to ask for help, to be left alone, to conserve your energy, and not to answer a question, the phone, or an email.
Make a list your personal bill of rights.
Examples include: What prevents you from asserting them? Write statements expressing your bottom line. Be kind. For example, “Please don’t criticize (or call) me (or borrow my . . .),” and “Thank you for thinking of me, but I regret I won’t be joining (or able to help) you . . .”
Internal Boundaries
Internal boundaries involve regulating your relationship with yourself. Think of them as self-discipline and healthy management of time, thoughts, emotions, behavior, and impulses. If you’re procrastinating, doing things you neither have to nor want to do, or overdoing and not getting enough rest, recreation, or balanced meals, you may be neglecting internal physical boundaries. Learning to manage negative thoughts and feelings empowers you, as does the ability to follow through on goals and commitments to yourself.
Healthy emotional and mental internal boundaries help you not to assume responsibility for, or obsess about, other people’s feelings and problems – something codependents commonly do. Strong internal boundaries curb suggestibility. You think about yourself, rather than automatically agreeing with others’ criticism or advice. You’re then empowered to set external emotional boundaries if you choose.
Similarly, since you’re accountable for your feelings and actions, you don’t blame others.
When you’re blamed, if you don’t feel responsible, instead of defending yourself or apologizing, you can say, “I don’t take responsibility for that.”
Guilt and Resentment
Anger often is a signal that action is required.
If you feel resentful or victimized and are blaming someone or something, it might mean that you haven’t been setting boundaries. If you feel anxious or guilty about setting boundaries, remember, your relationship suffers when you’re unhappy.
Once you get practice setting boundaries, you feel empowered and suffer less anxiety, resentment, and guilt. Generally, you receive more respect from others and your relationships improve.
Setting Effective Boundaries
People often say they set a boundary, but it didn’t help. There’s an art to setting boundaries; if it’s done in anger or by nagging, you won’t be heard. Boundaries are not meant to punish, but are for your well-being and protection. They’re more effective when you’re assertive, calm, firm, and courteous. If that doesn’t work, you may need to communicate consequences to encourage compliance. It’s essential, however, that you never threaten a consequence you’re not fully prepared to carry out.
It takes time, support, and relearning to be able to set effective boundaries.
Self-awareness and learning to be assertive are the first steps. Setting boundaries isn’t selfish. It’s self-love – you say “yes” to yourself each time you say “no.” It builds self-esteem.
Coping With The Guilt of Estrangement:
Do you have family members you choose not to see or speak with? If so, you probably feel very sad about that, especially at a time of year when most families gather together. But if you’re also feeling guilty over it, it’s time to stop. Recent research has shed new light on the phenomenon of family estrangement. Here are some of the most surprising findings:
You Are Not Alone
In a British survey from 2014, 19 percent of respondents reported that either they themselves or one of their relatives had no contact with the family. That fits with my own experience. I have several friends who either don’t talk to at least one of their family members or didn’t for many years. And I myself have gone through lengthy periods when I was not on speaking terms with one relation or another. I’d bet you also know several people who are or have been estranged from their families. It’s not fun, but it happens a lot.
There’s A Reason You Decided To Stay Estranged
Most estranged people who stay away from their families or individual family members to save themselves from dysfunctional situations or behavior. In one study, adults who reported being estranged from their parents usually cited (physical or emotional) abuse, being betrayed or sabotaged by a parent, or very poor parenting in which they were endlessly criticized or shamed by their parents. If you’re estranged from your family, it probably isn’t something you did lightly.
It May Seem Stupid But It’s Valid
We’ve all heard about family members who stop speaking to each other over strikingly minor matters. And in a 2015 study, a woman told researchers she hadn’t spoken to her son or daughter-in-law for seven years because of a dessert they brought to a family gathering.
But these things are never as simple as they appear. In some cases, there were resentments and disagreements going back to childhood, and the fact that as adults, the two joined opposing political camps didn’t help.
The case of the wrong dessert was similar. That woman said her daughter-in-law regularly disrespected her and also prevented her from seeing her grandchildren. She’d been asked to bring a specific dessert but instead made something else–something she knew her mother-in-law was also making. That final bit of rudeness was too much to bear.
You Gave Them Chances
Estrangement doesn’t usually happen as a result of one big argument. It takes years for someone to break contact with a family member or family members. It happens gradually, with the family member reducing contact over time before cutting it off altogether.
During that lengthy process, you likely gave your relations lots of opportunities to start a dialogue. You might even have talked to them about the behavior that was driving you away and asked them to change it.
If you didn’t do that, and you think there’s a chance that things could change, it might be worth reaching out one time and making a final attempt to fix your relationship. Or maybe not–only you can know for sure. Either way, if you’re estranged from some or all of your family, there’s one thing to remember: You’re not alone.
Divorce and Estrangement:
Similarly, divorce is another area where estrangement occurs. During a bitter divorce that is full of contention and fighting, it is not uncommon for one parent to become estranged from the children involved. This is known as Parental Alienation Syndrome, and occurs often after a divorce, although it can also be caused by any of the other factors outlined above.
Divorce greatly increases the risk of estrangement. It often creates a fundamental reshaping of alliances and can place parents at risk for greater distance from their children. Whether it’s a grey divorce or a breakup when the child is young, it often causes a child to see parents as winners and losers. Second, it can create the opportunity for parental alienation where one parent consciously or unconsciously (covertly or overtly) poisons the child against the other parent. Children, especially when they are young, are very vulnerable after divorce. Divorce can also bring new people into a child’s life (new sibling, half sibling, step-parent) and they may feel they have to compete for love, attention, or resources
Finally, in our culture, divorce can cause a child to see their parent as an individual with their own attributes and liabilities—and less of a family unit that they’re part of.he concept of one parent attempting to separate their child from the other parent as punishment or part of a divorce have been described since at least the 1940s, Gardner was the first to define a specific syndrome. In his 1985 paper, he defined PAS as “…a disorder that arises primarily in the context of child-custody disputes. Its primary manifestation is the child’s campaign of denigration against the parent, a campaign that has no justification. The disorder results from the combination of indoctrinations by the alienating parent and the child’s own contributions to the vilification of the alienated parent,”
>He also stated that the indoctrination may be deliberate or unconscious on the part of the alienating parent.
Gardner initially believed that parents (usually mothers) made false accusations of child abuse and sexual abuse against the other parent (usually fathers) in order to prevent further contact between them While Gardner initially described the mother as the alienator in 90% of PAS cases, he later stated both parents were equally likely to alienate.
The Grief Of Estrangement:
You may be estranged from your loved ones because of a fight or disagreement you’ve had. Attachment is often a part of estrangement. Issues with attachment can be expressed in many ways, which may result in an individual feeling the need or desire to fix or resolve conflicts or in individuals feeling that they are misunderstood or looked upon with disapproval.
You may also be grieving what you never got from the relationship—love, approval, attention.
Often those who have been cut off by a loved one react with anger, telling themselves, “I’m better off without her!” But, “underneath the anger, there’s usually sadness. You need to acknowledge, ‘I’m sad because this is a genuine loss.’ Otherwise your feelings will remain stuck.” Permanent estrangements can be cloaked in shame and stigma.
Estrangement causes a unique form of grief, in that hope is often held out for a reparation in the relationship, keeping the pain and grief current and raw. Further, repeated interactions that follow the same pattern of expectations and ultimate disappointment when those expectations are unmet, keep the grief close at hand.
When a person is estranged by a family member, they generally experience a range of immediate grief, loss, and trauma responses. Bodily responses such as shaking, crying and feeling faint are common, alongside emotional responses such as disbelief, denial and anger. People often ruminate over the estrangement event or the events that led up to the estrangement. Over time, most acute emotions and bodily responses seem to decrease in intensity, and generalized feelings of hurt, betrayal and disappointment might emerge.
Even when the estrangement has continued for years or decades, many people suggest the pain persists or re-occurs at particular times. Triggers such as birthdays, Christmas, Mother’s Day and funerals are difficult. So are sightings of the estranged person, or hearing about them from others. Triggers can sometimes cause a person to re-live and re-experience the initial grief, loss and trauma responses, while other times they can be managed.
Most of the people I have spoken to suggest that being estranged by a family member is one of the most painful events across the lifespan. It is intensified by:
It’s unexpectedness,
its ambiguous nature,
The powerlessness it creates
Social disapproval.
First, when a person is estranged by another, they generally do not expect it to happen. Studies suggest that trauma is increased when it is enacted by humans rather than an act of nature, and this is even more so when that human is a family member.
We are biologically attached to family and socially acculturated into idea of family togetherness. We do not expect an estrangement.
Second, estrangement is ambiguous. It has lacks transparency, and it cannot be readily understood. The loss is ambiguous because the estranged person is physically absent, but psychologically present (in the memories of the estranged person, and the triggers). It is not certain if the family member will ever return, so there is no finality or closure to the event.
Third, people who have been estranged by a loved one often describe feelings of incredible powerlessness. When someone has been cut off, they cannot tell their side of the story, ask questions or apologize. Without interaction the estranged person is often left wondering and ruminating about the truth, with no means of discovering it.
Estrangement of Mothers And Daughters:
The decision to go no-contact with a family member is a deeply personal one. For some of us, it’s impossible to heal ourselves and remain in connection with our mothers.
It’s still considered taboo to be estranged from one’s family; especially to be estranged from one’s mother. Sometimes the distance can be brief and short-term while for others, the estrangement can be permanent. It takes enormous strength and fortitude to follow through with this.
What can lead to estrangement?
There are so many reasons why people make this choice. But a core theme leading to estrangement is realizing that your mother’s dysfunctional behavior has demanded an enormous cost to your mental/emotional well-being and you’re simply no longer willing to pay that cost.
Estrangement isn’t something chosen in a flippant, cavalier way, but rather it is often a choice made after years of trying every other possible avenue to preserve the connection and see it evolve.
At a certain point, you may reach a crossroads where the cost is too much, and you have to make a choice. It may be the hardest thing you ever do in your entire life. And it may be the single most empowering thing as well.
Families are complicated systems. When one person stops playing their usual role in the family, this family will often experience some degree of disequilibrium or chaos. Conflict can serve to transform the system to a higher level, if the family members are willing and open to grow and learn. Unfortunately, sometimes, in an attempt to resist change, the family attacks the person trying to grow. That person has the choice to stay and suffer the toxicity or to heal and leave the unhealthy system.
The choice to terminate contact is often made when it’s clear that it’s impossible to heal while still involved in that family.
Daughters often play the roles of family mediator, scapegoat, keeper of secrets, or emotional caretaker. If a daughter on a path of growth and wishes to evolve beyond her typical role in the family, (perhaps by being more empowered, having firmer boundaries, being less tolerant of poor treatment) the degree of chaos that ensues is indicative of how dysfunctional the family is as a whole.
If the family members are each relatively healthy, stable, and open, the family may be able to find a new equilibrium without much chaos. However, if the family members are deeply wounded or traumatized themselves, a daughter’s evolution can be perceived as deeply threatening. This chaos can be deeply unsettling and extremely hard to navigate. Support is essential.
In an unconscious attempt to maintain equilibrium and resist change, family members may launch attacks against the daughter.
A common and virulent form of backlash is “Pathologizing” the daughter: Seeing the conflict as a result of some form of pathology in the daughter.
The message is “Your unwillingness to continue in the family system in your established role shows us that there is something deeply wrong with you.”
This shame-based narrative abdicates the mother and other family members from honestly examining their own behavior and taking responsibility. The daughter’s level of mental stability, her past mistakes, everything about her may be openly questioned, that is, except the role of her mother in the conflict.
It’s amazing how vehemently people resist looking at their stuff and the lengths they will go to remain in denial of it, including ostracizing their own child. This is actually an unconscious attempt to resist change by projecting all the conflict or “badness” onto the person initiating transformation of the family system.
Ultimately, this is not personal, it’s simply what happens when people who haven’t been dealing with their inner selves are confronted with their disowned pain through a catalyzing event, like a woman in the family growing beyond the predominant dynamics that have kept the family in a stable state for generations.
We can’t save our mothers. We can’t save our families. We can only save ourselves.
You don’t need your mother (or other family members) to understand you in order to fully heal.
It’s heartbreaking to realize that your mother/family are simply unable or unwilling to understand you. No matter how much you explain or how many attempts to convince them of where you’re coming from, it goes nowhere; like you’re speaking two different languages. Learning to understand you may cause a major shift in the very foundation upon which they’ve built their identities and worldview.
It’s painful to realize and still it helps to create a singularity of spirit within you. It becomes clear that your own understanding of yourself must be enough. Your validation of yourself becomes primary. You realize you can be okay even if others do not understand you.
After you go no contact, your life may begin to improve in many area; chronic illnesses clear up, neurotic fears vanish and life-long patterns dissolve. It’s worth noting that sometimes the challenge for you becomes enduring the pleasure of your own life.
See, with each new level of increased prosperity, increased intimacy, joy, freedom, you are reminded that your family is not there to share it with you. It’s particularly at these horizons where we may experience the turbulence of grief. There’s nothing to do but feel the grief that comes with that and allow yourself to move forward.
The grief doesn’t mean you’ve made the wrong choice. It’s actually a sign of health and healing.
Keep yourself grounded in your new life, the one that gave you the strength to leave the toxic connection. If you don’t, you could get pulled back through guilt or shame. It’s so important to get lots of support and give yourself time and space to process all the emotions that come with this choice. Ground yourself in exactly why you’re doing this and use it as an opportunity to birth you into a new paradigm in your life.
Estrangement Leads To Empowerment
You may discover something deeply profound: you realize that you can survive your family’s rejection of you. This can birth a level of freedom and determination within you that may initiate quantum leaps in your life. It can spur a fierce commitment to truth and carve out a radical integrity that extends to other areas of your life. It stokes a fire of truth within you that now can blaze fully.
You feel your own source within.
Grief, grief, and more grief gives way to… FREEDOM
Grief may arise every time you go to a new, higher level that your family have never been. It may feel like a bone-deep grief, almost tribal or ancestral, a grief of having to go forward without them. And it gets easier and easier with time; the more we lovingly allow ourselves to grieve, the more space is created for magic, beauty and joy in our lives. There is something deeply sacred about the grief that comes from making this choice. It can serve as an opportunity to deeply connect to your truth and to embodying it at the deepest level.
We must make meaning from this loss and use it to enhance our lives in new ways. That’s the key to long-term healing.
Your integrity becomes the solid foundation for the rest of your life.
It’s okay to walk away from toxic people in your life, including toxic people in your family.
Healing inter-generational wounds can be a lonely path. But within the space you created, soulful connections will come into your life. Our attachment needs are the most powerful need we have as humans.
To face this level of estrangement is to confront the depth of your pain, of your humanity, and to claim the full the value of your own life. Our greatest fear is that we will be alone. But the aloneness that we fear has already happened in the trauma of our families. You’re not alone and you will find your soul family in time, people who are capable of seeing and valuing you for who you are.
In a world where women are predominantly expected to stay silent, to cater to the needs of others and where the darker side of mothers is not acknowledged, the experience of estrangement can be an initiation into a new level of awareness that many people never experience. A space is cleared to allow your light to shine at full radiance.
What will you do with this light blazing within you?
Estranged daughters are finding each other, creating a new mother line; a connection of authenticity, realness and truth in each other that supports the arising consciousness in all. There is often instant camaraderie between women who have walked this path. There’s more of us out there than many people realize. You’re not alone!
You have to do what is right for you. Trust yourself.
Estrangement doesn’t necessarily mean you don’t love your family.
It doesn’t mean you’re not grateful for the good things they gave you. It just means you need space to live your own life the way you want to live it.
Women who feel no choice but to go no-contact with their dysfunctional mothers create the break because it’s the only way to send the powerful message that:
“Mother, your life is your own responsibility as my life is mine. I refuse to be sacrificed on the altar of your pain. I refuse to be a casualty of your war. Even if you are incapable of understanding me, I must go my own way. I must choose to truly live.”
Reconciling Estrangement:
The first step to healing an estranged relationship is forgiveness. This is a very difficult first step, but holding on to resentment, anger, and hatred does not foster healthy and positive relationships.
After deciding that a relationship is beyond repair, it can be overwhelming and scary to consider reconciling an estranged relationship. The following tips are important when beginning the reconciliation process:
Has emotional growth occurred since the last contact?
Can I set and maintain appropriate boundaries?
Do I need to “change” the other person or his or her beliefs about a situation?
Do I have my own identity, or am I overwhelmed by another’s opinion?
Am I still angry?
Validating your feelings about the situation is important during the reconciliation process, as a lot of feelings are likely to occur. Recognize that is may be a slow process of building trust and re-learning the other person, and establishing a new relationship.
Focus on the positive and find new ways to establish common ground. Meet in a neutral location, and do not discuss difficult issues.
Repairing an estranged relationship is often very similar to building a new relationship. Do not expect that everything will be perfect right away. There are often setbacks, hiccups, and issues that may need to be navigated throughout the process.
And finally, keep in mind that you are not responsible for the entire relationship, nor can you control the entire relationship.
If you never, ever feel like reconciliation, that too, is okay.
The light of a distant star continues to reach the Earth long after the star itself is gone.
– Author Unknown
Today, October 15, 2018, we pause to remember the stars of our soul that were extinguished far too early.
To the parents who are missing their babies today and always, The Band sends our love and prayers.
To our babies, the babies who never got to experience the joys of Earth and whose lives were cut very short, we miss you.
We miss you. More than anyone can ever know. We wish we could have one more moment – one single moment – with you, as if we can’t have a lifetime with you.
Today, we honor the short lives of some of the brightest souls, souls that have touched many and have taught us to cherish all of life’s moments.
To our babies who we carry in our hearts, instead of our arms, we will never forget you.
Love,
Aunt Becky and The Band Back Together Project
Band Back Together’s Wall of Remembrance:
Miscarriage:
Ally’s Baby:
Mary Katerina, miscarriage March 13, 2008.
Amanda’s Baby:
September 23, 2010, miscarriage.
Amanda and John’s Babies:
Juliana, July 2008, miscarriage.
Charlie, November 2009, miscarriage.
Samantha, March 2010, miscarriage.
Ameila’s Babies:
Her 3 Littles, December 23, 2010, missed miscarriage/June 2011, miscarriage/December 6, 2011, Autosomal Recessive Polycysitic Kidney Disease
Another Becky’s Baby:
Baby Savu:
August 2004 missed miscarriage between 3rd and 4th month.
Ashleigh’s Baby:
Baby Garrett, September 13 2012, Miscarriage
Aunt Becky’s Babies:
February, 2008, Baby 1, miscarriage.
March, 2008, Baby 2, miscarriage.
Baby Boy, February 15, 2000, miscarriage.
Baby Ian:
Pregnant October 2011, unpregnant January 2012, ectopic pregnancy.
Baby KJ:
July 15, 2008, miscarriage.
Baby Moll:
June 13, 2005, miscarriage.
Baby Noah Walter:
January 2012, miscarriage.
Barbara’s Babies:
Malcolm, January 2008, miscarriage.
Ophelia, April 2009, miscarriage.
Blazngfrye’s Babies:
Caden, miscarriage, May 1989.
Aubrey, miscarriage, December 1993.
Courtney’s Baby:
Kaycie, miscarriage, 6/14/2011.
Dawn’s Baby:
Baby Jones #1, February 2007, miscarriage at 12 weeks due to blighted ovum (Empty Gestational Sac).
Debbie’s Babies:
Michelle, November 1991, miscarriage
2 babies, miscarried in 1994 and 1999.
Elsie’s Ten Possibilities:
Nine Embies, 2008
Lola, 2011
Erin’s Babies:
Baby 1, September 2006, miscarriage.
Baby 2, January 2007, miscarriage.
Baby Girl 1, December 2008, late miscarriage.
Baby Girl 2, August 17, 2009, born still at 18 weeks.
Ewokmama’s Baby:
March 2005, miscarriage at 13 weeks.
Fibi’s Baby:
Biscuit, July 18, 2012, miscarriage.
Heather’s Babies:
Unnamed baby, 6w1d, September 18, 2010, miscarriage.
Unnamed baby, 6w2d, June 22, 2011, miscarriage.
Unnamed baby, 5w, August 15, 2011, miscarriage.
Her Almost: Pregnant in December, 2007. Unpregnant by February, 2008.
Her Highness:
Forget Me Not #1, February 2008, miscarriage.
Forget Me Not #2, January 2012, miscarriage.
Hubbit:
Two boys.
InDueTime’s Baby:
Baby M:
September 10, 2011, miscarriage.
Jenna’s Daughter:
Stella:
February 13, 2011, miscarriage.
Jennifer’s Baby:
June 8, 2008, early miscarriage.
Joules’ Babies:
November 2007, early miscarriage
November 2011, early miscarriage
Justine and Boo’s Baby:
June 2009, miscarriage.
Kallay and Ryan’s Baby:
Baby C lost to a partial miscarriage, May 17, 2010. Baby C is survived by twin sisters, Lily and Molly who were born on December 7, 2010.
Kate’s Babies:
Mari Elizabeth, September 2003, miscarriage
Noah Douglas, October 2004, miscarriage.
Twin Angels, July 2006, miscarriages.
Kathryn’s Baby:
Rebecca, June 3, 1995, miscarriage.
Katie’s Babies:
Baby Sluiter A, April 2007, miscarriage.
Baby Sluiter B, May 2008, miscarriage.
Kelly’s Daughter:
Lola, October 9, 2012, miscarriage.
Kelly and Brad’s daughter:
Lily Catherine, February 18, 2010, miscarriage.
Kelly’s Babies:
Baby 1, April 2003, miscarriage.
Baby 2, October 2004, miscarriage.
Baby 3, February 2006, miscarriage.
Kendra Pocock’s Baby:
Baby JJ Pocock, July 13 2012, Miscarriage/Ectopic Pregnancy
Kim’s Baby:
Baby, October 1996, miscarriage.
Krista’s Babies:
Baby One, son late term miscarriage at 15 weeks.
Baby Two, second-trimester miscarriage at 14 weeks.
Baby Three: miscarriage, 11 weeks.
Baby Four: miscarriage, 13 weeks
Baby Five, late miscarriage, 16 weeks.
Kristin’s Babies:
Eva, miscarriage
7 other babies lost through miscarriage due to luteal phase disorder and clotting disorder.
Lara and Brandon’s Son:
Tallon, August 14, 2011.
Lauren C’s Angels:
Baby, August 27, 2007, miscarriage.
Baby Boy, January 13, 2011, miscarriage.
Baby May 9, 2011, miscarriage.
Leah’s Babies:
Cameron, born and died May 22, 2009 at 10 weeks.
Jeremiah Oliver and Jillian Olivia, twin babies. Second trimester loss July 9, 2010 and July 14, 2010 respectively.
Lisa’s Baby:
July 1994, ectopic pregnancy resulting in emergency surgery.
Lisa’s Baby:
Baby Natasha Anastasia:
September 7, 2011, miscarriage.
Maresi’s Baby:
Baby B #3, September 1, 2011, miscarriage at 5 weeks.
Marlowe Corrine, September 19, 2006, early miscarriage.
Melissa’s Baby:
June 11, 2011, miscarriage
Mindy’s Three Angels:
Angel One, September 9, 2005, miscarriage.
Angel Two, July 17, 2007, miscarriage.
Angel Three, September 25, 2010, miscarriage.
Miranda’s Baby:
Peanut, August 7, 2011, miscarriage.
Natalie’s Baby:
Baby One, February 2, 2011, miscarriage.
Natalie’s Baby:
Hosanna Joy, June 18, 2011, early miscarriage.
Nicole’s Baby:
Cody Ryan-Price Grodan, February 14, 2012, miscarriage, 12 weeks.
Nicole and Jake’s Baby:
Baby One, September 19, 2011, miscarriage.
Rachel and Jesse:
Babies due Aug 2008 and November 2010. Both lost to miscarriage.
Rachel’s Baby:
Alivia Mason, March 21, 2012, miscarriage.
Renee’s Babies:
Isaac Ephraim, miscarriage August 2006.
Isaiah Jeremiah, miscarriage January 2007.
Ella Alicea, ectopic pregnancy June 2009.
Sarah’s Baby:
September 2006, miscarriage.
Sarah’s Babies:
April 12, 2002, miscarriage.
September 3, 2008, miscarriage.
Susie’s Baby:
Baby #3, June 2000, miscarriage from a blighted ovum.
Suzanne’s children:
Athena Rose Moore, Girl Twin B
Tammy’s Baby:
October 1990, miscarriage.
Three Angels:
September, 2002, July 17, September 25. Miscarriages.
Jacob Bennett born and died on July 11, 2007 due to premature rupture of membranes (PROM).
Samantha Lauren born August 16, 2011 at 23.5 weeks passed away September 17th due to extreme prematurity and fungal meningitis.
Baby Helen: Born July, 1993. Passed from prematurity.
Celeste’s Son:
Christopher Robin Cote: Born September 25, 2009. Stillborn due to premature rupture of membranes and incompetent cervix.
Christine’s Son:
Jellybean, born at 5:20 April 15th, 2009; and passed just four short hours later in her arms.
Heather and Aaron’s Son:
Aodin R. Hurd, October 7, 2007, born still due to premature rupture of the membranes.
Kate’s Babies:
Baby S, March 2008, Miscarriage
Evie, December 14, 2009, Triplet Prematurity
Jack, December 22, 2009, Triplet Stillbirth due to Prematurity
Will, January 13, 2010, Triplet Prematurity
Baby M, May 2010, Miscarriage
Kristin’s Baby (Mama KK):
Ariel Grace, born on July 28, 2009 at 18 weeks 5 days. Lived 5 minutes.
Leleisme’s Babies:
Ayla and Juliet, October 20, 2009 at 20 weeks.
Bayli and Thomas on June 8, 2011 at 21 weeks 2 days.
Matthew Chase Sims: April 25th, 2006 due to prematurity.
Melissa’s Son:
Born at 21 weeks in June 2011 due to a bacterial infection, lived for 30 minutes.
Nicky’s Son:
Samuel, August 8, 2001, prematurity.
Nina’s Son:
Coleman Parker Garibay, September 14, 2005, lost at 6 months gestation and passed from prematurity.
Paula’s Baby:
Reya, September 18 2011, Prematurity due to extreme Pre-eclempsia
Yvette’s Son:
Erik Richard, July 29, 1981, prematurity.
Birth Defects:
Aaron and Kristine’s Son:
Luke Ervin Seitz, born July 21, 2011 with Hypoplastic Left Heart Syndrome, and passed on June 28, 2011.
Amy’s Babies:
Mateo, Anthony, and Ian born on May 6, 2008 at 23 weeks and 3 days.
Mateo was born still.
Anthony passed away from Transposition of the Great Vessels.
Ian passed away after a short stay in the NICU.
Avaleigh: July 25, 2011, born still due to Down Syndrome.
Baby Anissa, born December 2, 2008, stillbirth from birth defects.
Baby Khalil:
Born August 14, 2009, stillborn, born still from birth defects.
Beth’s Son:
Ethan Connor Brockwell, May 3, 2006 – August 17, 2006. Born with Hypoplastic Left Heart Syndrome.
Christopher: November 4, 1979, due to pulmonary atresia, a congenital heart defect.
Christopher’s Son:
Aidan, born with brain malformation on December 16, 2008 and passed on December 19, 2008.
Cora Mae McCormick:
November 30, 2009 to December 6, 2009 from a congenital heart defect.
Ellen’s Son:
Shane Michael, born October 10, 1971 and died October 11, 1971 from heart complications before his mother could wake from anesthesia. She never saw or held him.
Julie’s Daughter:
Brianna Elizabeth, born January 29, 1998 and died March 7, 1998 from a heart defect.
Kathryn’s Son:
Seth Douglas Bonnett, Our Little “Tough guy”, March 27, 2008 – October 12, 2008. Died from Hypoplastic Left Heart Syndrome.
Raquel’s Son:
Austin Skylar Gregory, born July 3, 2005 and gained his wings August 29, 2005 from Multiple Complex Congenital Heart Defects.
Ruth’s Son:
Corbin Walker, born February 20, 2011 and died May 17, 2011 from heart defects brought on by Williams Syndrome.
Shannon’s Baby:
Chloe Walker, born November 29, 2000 and died June 4, 2001 from multiple congenital heart defects and heterotaxy.
Suzy’s Son:
Starbaby, born still February 2008 due to Trisomy 18.
Venita’s Son:
Matthew Connor – February 26, 2005, born at 26 weeks, passed from Necrotizing Enterocolitis (NEC).
Wendy’s Baby:
Reed Allyvion Miners, passed away July 5th 2003 at one hour old from Primary Myocardial Disease, a congenital heart defect.
Nathaniel, born August 24, 2001 and died August 29, 2001 from an undiagnosed metabolic disorder.
David, born May 11, 2010 and Died January 24, 2011 from a myriad of complications resulting from a liver transplant.
Angie’s Daughter:
Leia Sky Williams, born October 6, 2011, passed away from Group Beta Strep.
Baby Dominic:
January 16, 2002, SIDS
Baby Kash Michael:
Born June 3, 2011 and died September 28, 2011.
Carey’s Triplet Sons:
Rudyard, Desmond, and Oscar, June 4th, 2011, born at 22 weeks due to of E. coli infection.
Cecily’s Sons:
Nicholas and Zachary, October 27th, 2004.
Heather and Joe’s Twins:
Jonathan Michael and Samuel Joseph, identical twins born alive and died on May 6, 2004 from extreme prematurity and twin-to-twin transfusion.
Jana’s Son:
Charlie: Born May 21, 2003 and died June 14, 2003 from late-onset Group B Strep.
JennK’s Son:
Will, born (today) October 15, 2002 and died on September 16, 2003 from complications of late-onset Group B Strep.
Jenni’s Babies:
Malakai Zachary born still March 10, 2007 due to Anencephaly.
Five more angels, July, 2007 – May, 2010. Miscarriages.
Kara’s Daughter:
Catherine Grace, born August 10, 2012, passed August 12, 2012, due to prematurity brought on by HELLP syndrome.
Lisa’s Daughter:
Kaitlyn Grace, born sleeping at 38 weeks on Saturday, May 13th, 1995. Died from a true knot in her umbilical cord.
Matt and Lauren’s Baby:
Isla, born 14 weeks premature on August 23, 2011 and died on October 10, 2011.
Rachel’s Daughter:
Mina Kathryn, born February 18, 2009, died February 24, 2009, due to complications with her PICC line.
Scribbles412’s Baby:
Baby R, May 24, 1998, Medicine Administration by RN who didn’t know or ask.
Stephanie’s Son:
Silas, prematurity.
Venita’s Son:
Matthew Conner Webb, born January 11, 2005 and died February 26, 2005. He was born at 26 weeks and faced many obstacles in his short life.
Aimee’s Babies:
Ziggy Ann born sleeping on January 21, 2009.
Frank born sleeping May 21, 2010.
Liberty Ann born March 30, 2011 and died on April 19, 2011.
Ally’s Son:
Collin: born on August 9th, 2008. He passed away 30 minutes later from cardiac arrest after an emergency c-section due to a placental abruption.
Amy’s Baby:
Nicholas, born December 14, 2005, died April 19, 2006 from SIDS.
Claudia’s Son:
Max Corrigan, born November 14, 1987 and relinquished to adoption on November 18, 1987.
Colleen’s Babies:
Bryce Philip born May 26, 2009 and died September 1, 2009 due to SIDS
Ashton Karol, stillborn on February 24, 2010 at 17 weeks.
Lanie’s Sons:
Jake, born August 14, 2005 died August 27, 2005 due to prematurity and hydrops.
Sawyer, born November 17, 2009 died December 26, 2009. His cause of death has not been determined because he is part of a study at the Mayo clinic for heart arrhythmias – SIUDS (unexplained sudden infant death)
Leslie’s Son:
Cullen, September 11, 2010, stillbirth.
Pharon’s Daughter:
Sophia Lu Boudreau, born December 21, 2006 and died October 9, 2007 from SIDS.
Rebecca and TJ’s son:
Rafe Theobald Calvert, born on October 11th, 2009 at 26 weeks. Spent 3 months in the NICU and underwent an intestinal obstruction repair. He was released on January 11th, 2010 and we brought him home for 6 weeks. He passed away at 4 and a half months old from SIDS on February 25th, 2010.
The Stamm’s Daughter:
Adrienne Mae, May 7, 2006, Sudden Infant Death Syndrome.
Suzie’s Son:
Nathan Michael King, died from SIDS November 2008.
Vanessa’s Daughter:
Kendra, April 23, 2005 to March 24, 2006. Died from Jacobsen Syndrome.
