I am a horrible person.
I have been married for over 5 years. My husband is a good, kind man. But he doesn’t meet my needs in the ways I need. He is not super affectionate; he doesn’t tell me I’m pretty, he doesn’t flirt with me. He rarely comes to me for sex (though he’s not going elsewhere, either). He’s an extreme introvert, and a poor communicator. I’ve talked to him numerous times about what I need from him in those ways. He says he will try–and doesn’t. I still love him more than life.
For my job, I had to take an extended trip–three weeks with another co-worker. This co-worker told me on this trip that for the entire time I have been at my job, he has had an interest in me. That has grown into something a lot more. He is a good man–single, nice, funny, affectionate. He tells me I’m beautiful, I’m important. He flirts with me. He makes me feel alive. I didn’t have more than friendship feelings for him before, but that has exploded into something much more.
I kissed him at some point on the trip. I’m not sure why–I just got it into my head I wanted to. This wasn’t his intention–I know it wasn’t. We swore that was it–it was the elephant in the room, now it was over, we knew what it was like, and it was done.
But it wasn’t done.
We didn’t have sex, but we did practically everything else on this trip. It felt natural, and the chemistry was unlike anything I have ever experienced–not even with my husband. Since we’ve returned, nothing has happened, but we flirt. We talk about our next work trip. We text constantly. We hide it from everyone at work.
Now I’m in trouble. I love them both. My husband is comfortable and kind, respectable and smart. He cares for me. My co-worker is exciting, he communicates how he is feeling, he flirts, and tells me every chance he can how important I am to him. He struggles because he wants me in his arms, and hates that I can’t be there. He knows he wants more than I can give him, but he would never ask me for it.
I want them both. I love them both. I can’t imagine life without either. But one I have to hide, and the other I have to lie to. And you can’t have both.
How did I get into this mess? I am going to destroy three hearts with my own already split in two.