…from the woman with the dead husband.
Not going to be happy and light, right? Well, you just never know.
This is my 5th Xmas without my love. He was a Xmas maniac, loved everything about it. Our house was lovingly dubbed (by me) the Xmas whorehouse, since it was so covered in lights and knick-knacks and crap, it was amazing we could even live in it; but we did, and loved it. Each year my husband lovingly put together a CD of Xmas music that we used as our card/gift. He collected Xmas music, you see, and, the more awful it was, the better…he LOVED bad Xmas music as much as he loved good. We had a lot of talented friends, so each year we’d also include one cut on the CD that someone we knew sang. The year Tom died I made one, final CD. It had a few really fun cuts on it, it had to, but it was mostly sad, aching, and a tribute to Tom. I included 3 songs that he sang on it, and every year, including this one, it catches me up short to hear his beautiful voice. I decorate the house and the tree (way less whorishly) and listen to the CD’s and have my self a merry little sobfest, replete with alcoholic beverage of my choice and a box of Kleenex.
It’s very hard on our son too. I think this year has been a little better because he is working at something he loves, and is working a LOT of hours. When he gets home though, he tends to close himself in his room and play piano, mostly sad, indie dirges he either writes himself or has learned to play. It’s good, it’s how he handles his feelings.
He’s the one who actually puts up the tree and lights it. That used to be Tom’s job, and then I’d decorate. But now it’s fallen to the wonder-boy, and he bitches and moans all the way through the process; his own little sobfest.
I miss him. I miss him so very much, more than I can express. He was my guy, and there is a vast, gaping hole where he was.
And so often I rail against the unfairness of it. It is so unfair that MY husband had to die! It is so shitty that MY kid has to live without a father, had to be a teen without a father. On and on and on…I could go on forever about the unfairness of it. About the goddamn WHY-ME-ness of it.
Lately, however, there has been this little, insistent-but-kind voice in my head asking me “why NOT you? What makes you so special that bad things aren’t supposed to happen in your life. Look around, look on this board you’re writing on, everyone on here has earned the right to SCREAM why me! Why are you not supposed to be going through this? Who of your friends would be a better choice?” maybe it’s just insistent and not so kind, that asshole voice!)
And, I’ve gotta say, I’m starting to listen, at least a little bit. I’m trying to measure my bitterness by tsp vs. tbsp. I’m looking around and seeing that others have it bad too, maybe worse.
I am sad still…grief doesn’t go away, it just is. Xmas is a hard time for me, and then in January it’s the dead date, so… I miss him. I’d kill to have our old life back. That’s all the truth, and has been for the (almost) 5 years he’s been dead.
But the house looks beautiful, and my siblings and their kids will come over on Xmas Eve, as usual. And I have a wonderful son and a great present for wonder boy this year that I’m so excited to give him. I had the best husband and the greatest love that I could ever wish for…why not me for all of that too?
Because that little voice is also there to remind me of the good things, if I listen.
And that’s my Christmas post, and with it comes hugs and love and peace for everyone here on Band Back Together (another one of the good things I have to remember).
I think this is my favorite post here on Band Back Together. Thank you for sharing it. That insistent not so kind asshole voice asks some very good questions, ones that eventually we all have to answer.
I’m so sorry for you loss.
I lost my husband 3 years ago in October, his birthday is in November and my daughter and I are without him in December. I get angry at every ornament. It doesn’t get any easier. Not a fan of the Holidays without him.
I hope you and your family have a Merry Christmas. I’m happy you have his voice to sing to you, even if it is bittersweet. Enjoy that alcoholic beverage (or 3). I’m right there with you.
I hurt for you, and wish you did not hurt.
Prayers for you and your awesome wonderboy this Christmas season. (((hugs)))
Michele,
I know that the wish that someone special was still alive to share life’s moments doesn’t go away, but I commend you for reaching a new stage where acute grief is tempered by time.
As you say, if you just about grief, then it crowds out the good memories.
It’s not about moving on, or moving away, it’s about integrating a large section of your life into the greater whole.
Be well,
This is beautiful.
I am so sorry for your loss yet so proud of the fact that you’re still going and still celebrating. I know how much easier it is to just wall it off and try to forget. Remembering and celebrating is a wonderful way to pay tribute and show your love.
Wishing you nothing but the best this Christmas. <3
ou have every right to question why. It’s in our nature. And it is a massive loss that is hard to process.
Wishing I could bring him back for you.
Also wishing you the happiest possible Christmas with the family you still do have with you, who love you and who you should enjoy the season with as much as you can muster.
ove you guys…thanks.
BIG SIGH
lost my first husband 12 years ago. You are right, the grief may lighten, but it never goes away. Christmas is hard for me for the opposite reason it is for you. My Tom hated Christmas and acted like the Grinch from Thanksgiving until the day after Christmas. I have so many bad memories of this holiday. As the years have gone by, I try not to dwell on the negative, I just accept that was part of my life with him. One I can laugh more about now.
So this Christmas, while I look at my own Christmas tree, I will think of you and your Tom, knowing that both are Toms will be sitting beside us with our beverage of choice and a box of Kleenex.