I feel so fucking ugly and dirty and slutty.
I don’t understand it. I know I am none of those things. But the idea is stuck in there.
All those times, all those fucking awful times we “made love”….can I ever allow a man to touch me again? I didn’t know how profound the impact would be until I try to sleep and everything I try so hard to forget comes rushing back and I want to fucking scream. I want the world to know what a fucked up person you are and all the fucked up things you did because it WASN’T right.
I need to vent because I can’t say these things out loud yet. I want someone to be there, but I’m too ashamed to verbalize a word.
Because in those years together, you degraded me into a sexual plaything that would react to your desires and run to please you. In those times, you liked me or so I thought.
How could you…
force me to let you inside?
push my face into the wall?
force me to suck on you, shoving into me until I threw up?
cum on me wherever you wanted?
rip my hair out?
pound into me so hard I screamed and cried and begged?
hurt me like this while other people are in the house and can hear?
leave your mark on me?
trap me in the bathroom to “get ready” for you?
invite another man into our bed to assist you?
call me those awful names?
humiliate me with pictures?
force me to sleep with strangers?
make me feel like I was doing this out of love for you?
put my sexual health at risk but not your own?
come home from work and bend me over wherever you pleased?
digitally assault me while in the presence of others?
How dare you…
make me feel like the only touches I deserve from men need to be rough and sexual?
make me feel like this is all I’m worth?