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I used to be really good at writing.

And thinking.

I could think out an essay or a plot line or a response in 5 points all at once. It felt like my brain fired on 6 different cylinders and I could see from multiple perspectives at once. I could be writing an introduction knowing how it was going to end and where the body would fit into this. I never lost my train of thought. If I learned a fact once, I could recall it instantly and know where I heard it.

What I’m saying is, I used to be (or at least, feel) smart. I was an A student, the A student who is awkwardly quiet in class because she knows the answers and has answered every question and it feels weird when you answer every question, don’t people get annoyed?

It would be comforting if I was getting dumber because I was getting older. That would at least be normal. To have spent the last five years knowing I’m not as smart as I could be and wondering is it because I’m on this brain medication or is it because I’m not a 20 year old college student anymore just makes everything worse.

If nothing else, it succeeds at it’s intended purpose, but I’ve failed out of school, been accused of anorexia, can’t focus for shit, and can’t multi-task, so who even am I anymore?

I miss being smart.