I am pregnant.

But I don’t know for how long.  I peed on a stick in the office.  The nurse and doctor watched the line appear…and then disappear.  My doctor said he had never seen anything like that happen. He looked at the nurse and then at me and then at the test. He was shocked.

So he said “You’re definitely pregnant right now…but I don’t know for how long.”

I am on partial bed-rest which means that I am to do no heavy lifting. I’m on Zofran for nausea. He will test my HCG hormone levels in a few days and see if it is higher.  If it is lower, he will give me a prescription for pain pills and we will wait for my body to miscarry.

I am literally sitting here, willing my baby to stay inside me.  Telling it to hang on long enough to get a good grip. Hang in there little guy, just hang on. I am bleeding and cramping but I have been told that is because up until two days ago I was on birth control pills.

It doesn’t FEEL like a miscarriage, yet.

So I’ll sit here on my couch and try to grow a baby. I will try to keep my child alive. And I will hope and pray that when they call tomorrow, my numbers will go up.

The bleeding will stop.

The cramping will stop.

I will have three people there to meet my husband when he comes home from his deployment.

We will be a family of three. We will be.

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When I wrote this, I was pregnant.  Two days later, I was not.  I saw the ultrasound, it was there! And now it is not. I still have a baby bump…and nothing inside.  My heart is broken, my body is broken, and my husband is 6,700 miles away.  The logical side of me says to that we should wait to have a baby. We should wait until he can be here to hold my hair back when I am sick, when he can rub my back and feet and feel our child moving inside me. But the other side…the other side says GET PREGNANT AS SOON AS HE GETS BACK!!  Twelve month deployment be damned!

I am so torn. And heartbroken. And yet VERY strong.  I have to be strong for my little boy. He needs his mother.