by Band Back Together | Oct 8, 2015 | Breakups, Depression, Help With Relationships, Poverty, Economic Struggles and Hardship |
I haven’t written on here for a long time and I realized that I should have. I consider it my therapy since it’s free.
Life has been such a roller coaster. I had a relationship a year ago but that completely ended on a rather embarrassing turn of events which I’ll share another time. Followed by that I was in a huge financial situation I began to wonder if everything would ever be better.
I’ve been battling depression silently (only one close friend knows). It’s kept me from doing things I love like working out (it’s my other form of therapy). It also kept me from attending school again. Finally after pushing myself I got back into school to become a personal trainer while working a full time job overnights and going to school for four hours four days a week. However I am struggling in one of the classes I’ve failed each test given so far, I cry on my drives home after that class feeling like I’m a total failure.
My job has been stressful too I work solo on my jobs so I get the back lash of the drama that goes on I feel like I’m back in high school.
I know I need help with school but I need to get home (it’s a 45-mintue drive) to sleep so I can go to work at 11pm. I wish I could quit my job to focus on school or find one with suitable hours that I could still find time to make things work out.
That’s the problem with being a 30 something single girl. I have nobody to support me but myself, so quitting is not an option. My apartment looks like a tornado hit it and the dishes pile up. I keep asking myself is it worth it?
My depression looms higher as I see all my friends happy in their lives and I’m still not happy. I used to have such a positive attitude, but somehow after my relationship ended I lost that. I don’t recognize the girl I was (yes even though I’m in my 30’s, I still refer myself to a girl) she was so happy and full of life. I struggle to smile or to laugh now.
I need to get that happiness back, but I don’t know how. I need to find some balance between life, work school and trying to better myself that isn’t so overwhelming, but I don’t even know where to begin.
by Band Back Together | Oct 8, 2015 | Anniversary Reactions, Baby Loss, Child Loss, Coping With Baby Loss, Coping With Losing A Child, Family, Feelings, Grief, Help For Grief And Grieving, Loss, Loved and Lost, Stress, Trauma |
First, people are afraid of what to say, and often say nothing. This is a mistake. Many people are afraid to bring up the deceased child, fearing it will open wounds and raw feelings. But in my opinion the hardest thing is when people don’t talk about Maddie. It feels like she was never here, and this is what is heartbreaking. It is nice when people say, “I thought of Maddie today,” of “I saw a kid in a dress like the one Maddie wore at whatever today.” Or “I miss Maddie.” These things help, not hurt. Make us feel she is not forgotten. Sending a keepsake with the child’s photo or name, things that help her be tangibly remembered are nice. We have received AMAZING things and we cherish everything.
Six years ago, one of my friends lost her father. I was living across the country from her, and I was terrified. I felt guilty that I had my dad and she didn’t. So I didn’t say anything, and I ruined our friendship for a while. I am very lucky she gave me another chance. She has been there for me since Maddie passed away. I have horrible regret about the whole thing – all I had to do was call her and say, “I’m so sorry.”
Religion is a potentially explosive way to comfort. Unless you absolutely know 100% percent the person will be comforted by mentions of faith, don’t go there. Religion is a very complicated thing in the wake of a child’s death, and they may be angry at God or confused as to how to incorporate the death of a child into the religion that they have known to have their best interests in mind. Even someone you know to be intensely religious may be having a crisis of faith in the wake of a child’s death, and could be angered/saddened by mention of religion. Especially stay away from, “God wanted her more than you,” or “God needed her more,” etc.
I don’t care if it is the all powerful creator of the universe, you don’t tell any Mama that anyone wants her baby more than she does.
So many people hate seeing their loved one in such pain and want to fix it. Consequentially, they start talking about how you have to move on, that you will see them again, the child is with God, it will get better in time, etc. All things they think will “fix it.” Don’t try to do this. Follow the lead of the parents. Discuss what they want…if they go to those places you can discuss those things, but don’t try to steer it there. Sometimes I want to talk about Maddie and the unfairness of it all, and other times I want to hear funny stories or talk about reality TV.
Don’t be afraid to show emotion. Many people feel they have to be strong for their friends, that they can’t cry or show emotion. I don’t think that is true. You can be strong AND be emotional. If tears come, don’t fight them. This shows your friends that you, too, are crushed and sad and lost.
Address the horror. People often worry about addressing how awful the situation is, but the parents want to hear that people get the hell they are in. The parents feel alone when they don’t think people understand how awful this is. Saying things like, “This is the worst thing. I am so sorry and sad that it had to happen to you and your child,” helps.
Food is very helpful. The last thing you want to do when mourning is worry about eating. There are always people around after a death, and the last thing you want to think about is feeding them. Mike and I never would have eaten if food hadn’t been sent to us. A gift of food also tells the parents they are loved.
Say or express something you never have before. If you have never told the person that you love them, come right out and tell them that you love them. If you’ve never held their hand, hold their hand. Give hugs. These expressions mean a lot.
Finally, my biggest advice is to not be afraid to take initiative. We often say, “let me know what I can do,” in a situation like this. Well, I can tell you that Mike and I had no idea what we needed. We were so lucky that we had friends and family rally together and just take care of things. A few came to town to help out. One friend organized food, another cleaned my house, two bought the clothes Mike and I wore to the funeral, one put together Maddie’s slide show, a few organized the reception after her service. I could go on and on. I didn’t have to worry about anything because I knew my friends and family would handle it.
Be there for your friends. Call, email, text. Tell them they don’t have to respond. Let them know you are thinking of them, and their child, all the time. Don’t drop away after the funeral – that’s when they’ll need you the most. Be the kind of friend that you would want to have.
by Band Back Together | Oct 5, 2015 | Baby Loss, Cesarean Section, Coping With Baby Loss, Pregnancy, Spotlight On Baby Loss, Trisomy 18 |
The creation of human life is one of the most complex and shockingly beautiful things that our bodies are designed to do. The microanatomy that goes into this task is so astonishingly complicated that it’s a miracle any of us walk around at all.
And yet, most of us do. Most…but not all.
When a baby dies, we are fragmented. Shattered, we must pick up the pieces and put them back together as we pay tribute to our children, our tables forever missing one, our families incomplete, our treasures in heaven, our babies alive only in our hearts. It is through our stories that they live forever. These children were here and they mattered.
They were loved.
They are loved.
If you’d like to add your baby’s name to our Wall of Remembrance, please fill this out so we can properly remember your lost little one.
It all started out so happy and joyful, knowing I was pregnant again – my third child. No words could express my joy.
Five months into my pregnancy, I had an abnormal blood test. The doctor immediately sent me to see the gynaecologist. That is when all my happiness turned into a shattered dream.
The gynaecologist advised an amniocentesis. My husband and I agreed to take the test right away, but we had to wait two weeks for the results. It was agony. I couldn’t sleep at night. I don’t think anyone can worry more than a mother waiting to find out about her unborn child’s health condition.
When the test resuts came in, it was positive.
My unborn son had Trisomy 18.
I was devastated. I didn’t know where to turn or what to do. Being religious people, my husband and I decided not to terminate the pregnancy. We knew God knows best, so we left it all in His hands. I continued my pregnancy, worrying and praying the entire time. My gynaecologist didn’t support our decision. She repeatedly told us that babies with Trisomy 18 don’t survive. Thankfully, I had a very surportive husband and an understanding family.
Day to day, my bond grew stronger with my baby. With every check-up, he grew and continued to gain weight. Through it all, we kept praying. At 35weeks, my baby’s heart stopped beating, and I was taken for an emergency c-section.
When I met my son for the first time, he was so beautiful. It seemed like nothing was wrong with him. Everything looked perfect.
We laid our son to rest on the 11th of September, 2015.
I’m glad I didn’t give up and terminate the pregnancy. He was a total blessing in my life.
by Band Back Together | Oct 2, 2015 | Baby Loss, Miscarriage, Spotlight On Baby Loss, Stillbirth |
“A person’s a person,
no matter how small.”
Dr. Seuss
October is a special month for us here at The Band. Miscarriage, Stillbirth, and other types of baby loss and child loss affect families every day. Too many people suffer silently through the devastating loss. For those going through it, we want you to know, your little ones matter.
October 15th, is Pregnancy, Infant and Child Loss Remembrance Day.
On that day, our Remembrance Wall will go up. We want all our little ones to be remembered. Please send us a comment or an email to bandbacktogether@gmail.com so that we can abide with you and remember your little one(s) as our own. Today, and every day, our hearts ache for those tables forever missing one.
As we go through this month, we want to hear your stories. Stories of miscarriage. Of babies born still, still born. Of baby and child loss. This is your month and there is no story too small.
Our other loss families need to hear your stories.
Please share how your losses have affected you. There is strength in numbers and comfort in knowing you are not alone.
We remember.
If you’d like to add your baby’s name to our Wall of Remembrance, please fill this out so we can properly remember your lost little one.
by Band Back Together | Oct 1, 2015 | Fear, Self Injury, Stress, Teen Self Injury |
There are some days where I feel like telling someone about my cutting. There we times where I am standing next to my parents or teacher and wanting to tell them but I chicken out. I think I am afraid of the consequences of how people might react or what will happen after I tell them.
Please, if you have any knowledge or experience of self harm, answer these questions:
How do I know if what I am doing is cutting or self harm?
How do I finally tell someone I am cutting?
How do I know if I am cutting for attention?
Thank you guys so much for the support. Last time I posted, I was ten days clean from cutting (if what I’m doing really is cutting). Sadly, I cannot boast this anymore. I am under 15, and going through a lot of the stress that comes with 8th grade and high school. Two days ago, I cut small lines in to my skin from the beginning of my hip to just below my ribs. I can tell you that I had one hell of a time not showing the cuts when changing during PE. Please answer my questions or give advice.
