Okay, Band, I am in a quandary and need some mature advice.
My closest friend cheated on her husband this year, her husband found out, and they decided to stay together and work on their marriage.
Last week, my friend confided in me that she had been cheating again (same guy), but it ended the week before she told me. Only this time she did not plan to tell her husband. Our husbands are also close friends and in business together. She told me this but also straight-up said that it was okay for me to tell my husband about what she’s been up to. Because my husband and I love them both and also value the truth, we each talked to her separately and urged her to tell her husband the truth. She agreed that she should be honest with her husband if her marriage had a real chance at being repaired.
Last weekend, she told me that she’d told him, but that they were going to keep the matter to themselves and seek counseling. Over the course of the week it became obvious that her husband had no clue about her affair. My husband and I agonized over what to do.
Did we (1) urge her again to come clean or (2) leave it alone?
We chose option 1. She blew up and told us to back-off. So we did…but with nagging consciences.
Today, my husband decided that if his friend found out at a later date that his had wife cheated again, and found out that we knew about it and hadn’t told him—well, he just couldn’t live with that.
So without actually telling him outright, he gently told his friend today that his wife was not being truthful and he needed to talk to her. (I had no clue he was going to say anything to him.)
My friend’s husband went home to confront her.
Needless to say, the poo hit the fan and the truth is out. Now she’s lashing out at my husband for talking to her husband and “ruining her life.” I feel awful about the whole thing; I love my best friend and her husband as well. They have been amazing friends.
I would love to hear from anyone who has been in a similar situation—do you think my husband did the right thing?
Would you tell your friend if their spouse had cheated on them? Could you live with yourself if you knew and did nothing? Where do we go from here?
Wow, this is a tough one. I’m sorry that it’s all gone down like this, but I have to say I can’t blame your husband. It’s hard to watch a friend be made a fool of and to stand by while the potential for him to be hurt grows. I’d like to think I’d tell my friend that he was being cheated on. It’s hard to know, but I feel like I’d have too much trouble facing him knowing what was going on behind his back.
I have no idea how you repair the friendships. Honestly, I’d be okay losing someone who could treat her husband like this. I hope you and your husband are okay.
I haven’t been in this situation myself but one thing jumped out at me. She’s blaming you and your husband for ruining her life but it was her actions that screwed things up for her. I would say you guys did the right thing for you and her poor husband.
This was always going to end poorly and none of it is your fault. She may be a good friend, but she was not a good wife and that is also not your fault. I’m sorry you’re in this position but you did the right thing.