I went to my psychiatrist today.
Through our one-sided conversations where I talk while he writes, I realized that through my childhood and adolescent years I felt like I was never wanted. I was just ‘there.’ A nuisance. A pain. Not a being – but a thing that was part of life. How awful for a child to go through life feeling like this.
Then it hit me that the child I was sympathizing with was me. I was distancing myself from MY actual life by thinking of myself as a ‘thing’ instead of a being.
Self-loathing takes on so many forms … it mutates in your brain to become something from another world. A world of hate.
Why would I feel this way? I don’t want to ask “who made me feel this way,” but rather, why? Why did I – why DO I – not hold myself to a higher standard in my own mind? Why do I hate myself so much? When did it start? I have so many questions today that I wish could be answered.
“Is it my own fault?”
No, it’s not your fault. So much of what we are is formed when we’re small, and clearly you were treated like you held no value. Remember that just because the people who raised you couldn’t see your worth doesn’t mean you don’t have any. You do hold value, tremendous value.
It’s great that you’re working with someone to learn how to change your self image, and to start being the person you truly are, rather than the person someone else decided you were. You’re on your way. xo
It is not your fault. You are not responsible for how your parents treated you when you were a child. Having compassion for yourself and for what you went through when you were young is a great step. You are worthy of love, respect, compassion, and acceptance.
This isn’t your fault. Not even close. My parents treated me somewhat similarly, and I too, deal with the guilt and the fear that after everything, I’m the thing that’s wrong with the equation.
This isn’t my fault; and it’s certainly not yours.
And for what it’s worth, we love you, we know it’s not your fault, and we want you around.