Riding the Medical Mystery Tour is SO MUCH less fun without the Beatles.

This is her story:

Oh how I loathe going to the doctor’s office. Unless I’m loaded up with snot, like I am today. When I’m loaded up with snot, I can get something to help the snot go away. When I tell the doctor that all the snot in my head is drowning my brain, he knows what to do to help.

Any other time I go to the doctor? Well… That’s an entirely different story all together.

Over the last six or seven years, I’ve lived with non-stop pain in the lower right quadrant of my abdomen. I’ve been poked, prodded and made to drink some of the nastiest shit in creation. I’ve had multiple exploratory surgeries and damned near every narcotic known to man. I’ve received FOUR different diagnoses for that could contribute to my chronic pain (PCOS, Endometriosis, Diverticulosis and Interstitial Cystitis), but I’ve never been given any kind of permanent clue as to what can be done to stop the pain.  I’ve been told that I can’t have such and such treatment for one diagnosis cuzz I’m being treated for another diagnosis. SO.MANY.YEARS. of never-ending bullshit have pretty much jaded me against much of the medical community.

Imagine my dismay to realize that it was going to start all over again.

I’ve been constantly dizzy since mid-January. Interestingly enough, it started about a week after I turned 30. I’ve had the continuous feeling that I’m on a boat and not in the “I’m on a boat mother fucker! ON A BOAT!” kind of way. (Which sucks cuzz I used to like being on boats, mother fucker. :-P ) Went to the doctor, who poked and prodded and couldn’t figure out a reason for the feeling, so he gave me some anti-dizzy shit and sent me on my way.

The day before Valentine’s Day, I decided to add passing out to the mix.

After many different tests, I’ve been diagnosed with Orthostatic Hypostension, which means that when I change positions (laying to sitting, sitting to standing), my blood pressure bottoms out and I wake up on the ground with no clue what happened. (Well, I don’t pass out every single time, but the potential is there.) As for the dizziness that never goes away? No clue.

I’ve had MRIs, CAT scans, heart tests… All to no avail. I get to trek on down to the University of Michigan at the end of October to see if maybe they can figure out what’s going on. So far, the only thing I’ve been able to find that fits all my symptoms has been MdDS, which apparently is very rare and can last anywhere from a few days to decades. Color me fucking excited. o_O (And just to clarify, I hadn’t been on any long trips in planes, cars or anything else, but I was INCREDIBLY stressed out due to finding out some things about my boyfriend/fiance that damned near destroyed me.)

Oh! But wait! It seems my body decided to throw another curve ball into the mix!

During all my testing to see why I’m always in pain, I was told that I’d never be able to have another child. My kidling is awesome, so while I hated hearing it, I figured that I’d at least been able to have one child, so I was lucky. Any time I was asked if I was gonna have another one, I’d always say I didn’t want anymore.

To me, it was easier to deal with the judgment of  being one of those mothers than to have to deal with the looks of pity and the empty condolences from people who never had to deal with the reality of not being able to choose whether or not they could get pregnant. After six years of being told it would never happen and having all kinds of unprotected sexing with no babies, I had pretty much come to terms with it.

Except in June, I found out that I managed to get myself knocked up.

I had a miscarriage scare in my seventh week, but things seem to be moving along well now (17 weeks). The thing that sucks is that being pregnant seems to lower my blood pressure even more, which presents a challenge.

I no longer leave the house by myself. I haven’t been able to drive since February. I have to walk with a cane, so I don’t appear to be drunk from all the stumbling around I do when I walk. I have to rely on anyone who might be willing to help me get to my doctor’s appointments and hope against hope that the offer of help isn’t just an empty promise. I lost my job cuzz I can’t work without someone in the same building, just in case I happen to fall or pass out. I don’t see any of my friends for months at a time.

And though I’ll probably never say it out loud, I’m fucking depressed as hell over this entire fucking situation. (Except for the Squishy – that’s what I’m calling the baby – THAT has me over the moon.)

I feel as if I have no one I can talk to. Whenever I go to my friends or family, I can see them tune out. I’m sure they want to be there for me or whatever, but they aren’t dealing with this shit on a daily basis. They just don’t understand and I don’t expect them to.

So, I sit in my house day after day, wondering if I’m ever going to feel better. Wondering how the fuck I’m gonna manage to take care of a baby when I can hardly keep myself from walking into the wall. Wondering if I’m ever going to receive a diagnosis cuzz I really want to know what the fuck is going on.

I’m always wondering if there’s someone else out there who might be going through the same thing. Not necessarily the same symptoms, but just the whole not knowing thing. And then I wonder if I sound like a whiny bitch when I carry on about what I’m dealing with. I don’t address this on my blog, for the most part.  While I have written about it a couple of times, I try not to focus on it cuzz I don’t want to appear as whiny or like I’m seeking sympathy or something. I hate to be pitied and I’m really trying to avoid seeing anyone feeling sorry for me, ya know?

Thanks for giving me a place to rant and rave. I don’t feel like I’m gonna told  be told to suck it up or some such shit, though now that I’ve said that I am TOTALLY expecting to get some comments like that. :-P

Is there anyone else who feels like they’re taking part in The Medical Mystery Tour?

Or am I really alone in this?