Not sure why I’m posting this …hoping someone out there will have an answer? Or maybe I just need to vent or find out if there are others like me? Maybe someone out there can explain why these things keep happening to me?
Anyhow, in a nutshell, I’ve had a really bad life and I’ve come full circle with it. Seems that no matter how hard I work, no matter how “positive” I try to be, bad things just happen to me. Things go wrong for no reason. People try to pump me up with positive thinking and then are surprised when the bad things I think might happen actually do happen. While things will just go wrong for me for no apparent reason, nothing really “right” seems to happen. I mean, I have no good luck. If an unexpected tragedy can happen out nowhere then why can’t something wonderful and lucky happen out of nowhere, like magic? Yet I have to work extremely hard to make things happen, and even then things seem to go wrong.
I guess I’m trying to figure out why my life is the way it is and whether there’s a way I can turn things around. I’ve begun to believe I’ve been cursed, or there’s a dark spirit following me around, preventing anything good from entering my sphere. I’m wondering how I can stop this dark spirit, karma, or whatever it is and bring positive energy into my life. I’ve gone to churches to have people pray over me, gone to Reiki shares to have the energy of the universe sent to me, seen therapists, career counselors (for my money problems), gone to Debtor’s Anonymous meetings (hated them!) Still, the bad luck continues.
I also thought that maybe I’d done something wrong to cause all this, so I’ve volunteered to help people in need, but that hasn’t changed my luck.
Okay, let me try to be brief and give a few examples. Both my parents had mental health issues when I was a child, and I spent my early years transported from friends’ or family members’ houses until my parents were ready to take care of me. Then, a housekeeper took care of me while one parent went to work to support me. Meanwhile, the other parent was hospitalized with severe mental illness. My extended family was very unloving and I never see them now, as they are toxic people. I was close to one parent who died a few years ago. Now I’m the guardian for my other parent. So I’m really my parent’s parent and always have been since “childhood.”
In addition to the psychological abuse I experienced from my family once they were ready to take care of me, I was bullied mercilessly as a child, to the point of near insanity. I became painfully shy and anxious as a result, but I put myself into therapy and have practiced meditation techniques that helped me a lot.
But even the therapy was not too helpful, as most psychologists don’t understand social anxiety or shyness. One therapist accused me of imagining I was being bullied at school. She couldn’t believe I was really being bullied and acted as though I was just being paranoid. Consequently, she couldn’t help me to stop the bullying or to learn assertiveness techniques as I’d requested. I couldn’t find a therapist who would teach me ways to defend myself as they were too focused on trying to convince me that no one wanted to hurt me, that I was just being negative, paranoid or whatever. It seemed they were just reading from psychology textbooks and not really listening to me or taking me seriously.
As an adult, I get bullied at work a lot, am told I’m “too nice,” have trouble setting limits and boundaries and being assertive. Even though I’m a well-educated person, I can’t find a decent job, so I am working at a job for which I am well overqualified. Employers and coworkers are often threatened by my intelligence and I find myself holding myself back, trying to hide who I am. Also I get very bored doing data entry or office work. I only seem to fit into creative environments but creativity seems to be only available to the very rich these days.
I learned as an adult that I have an artistic personality and am very, very creative, so I began pursuing my artistic endeavors – playing music, writing poetry, making films, etc. I’ve also found I get along better with creative people and feel happy and free when I am creative. But this self-knowledge has only caused more problems for me as I’m now living in poverty because of it. In spite of great accomplishments as an artist I haven’t found a way to make money as an artist and I haven’t found a “day job” that enables me to adequately pursue my art.
In fact, I don’t fit into today’s job market at all. I ended up homeless a few years ago, and that was a real eye opener. I found that I have no friends. The people I thought were friends really didn’t care about me at all.
I also have chronic pain which, in time, is getting worse. I don’t have the money to get the health care I need.
Anyhow, as I’m writing this, I’m losing some of my sadness. It’s good to vent. But at the same time, I’m in a situation where I’m an adult, not considered to be young anymore, and I don’t meet people who are similar to me, so I feel pretty isolated.
Now, I’m staying in a situation where an acquaintance has been helping me a great deal but this isn’t a sustainable situation. I might end up homeless again soon unless I can find some way to start my own business, as there really aren’t any jobs out there for me.
I just don’t know what to do anymore.
Please don’t anyone respond with platitudes, i.e., “Think positive, things will get better…blah…blah…blah.” Look, I’ve been there and done that. I’m really a very intelligent person who overcame and extremely painful childhood. I’ve gone into therapy. I’ve been to self-help groups. I’ve gone to college, graduated with good grades, but now I have huge student loan debt and the jobs just aren’t out there. So what to do?
Anyhow, I know it’s a terrible thing to say, but it really would have been better if I’d never been born. My parents weren’t able to take care of me, my extended family didn’t want me, I’m not aggressive enough for this society, and I can’t earn a living. I cringe when I hear people try to talk other people out of committing suicide by telling them they’re suffering from “depression” and that things will get better. First of all, “depression” is not an illness but a natural reaction to things that happen to you that you can’t control. I can’t control this economy. I can’t control the fact that other people don’t appreciate my talents and skills. I know I’m capable of doing great things but I can’t get other people to appreciate what I have to offer.
I’m glad that venting helped, and I want to let you know that yes, you’ve been through some proper bad stuff. You’re not imagining things.
I don’t think you even live in the same country as me, but if you would like an online friend, let me know. We can figure out a way to talk.
You show wonderful insight, and that’s a strength, I think. Looking at the world as it really is, and still working towards what it could be.
Keep in touch.
M
Hello! (I say with a smile and sparkle in my eye!) This message would be sent to you much more clearly if I could look you in the eyes and tell you how loved you really are. I wish I could grab both of your hands and tell you that you’re not alone. I’m here. And, I’m not going anywhere anytime soon. I am here to listen to your rant, your vent, your thoughts. I don’t have answers for you, and honestly, I don’t think we’ll ever find a single answer to the idea of depression and how it affects us all so very differently. I can share my experience with it, but I am not you. I can’t fix a life or how you experience it, but I can share what I do know – what I’ve learned in my many years, and how I’ve had to teach myself to believe in myself. Trust that belief to be true, and forge ahead. This place exists for people like you, to remind you that you are not alone. There is a whole band of people, right here, on the other side of your keyboard, who find you interesting, talented, thoughtful and kind. You sound like a gentle and wise soul. I’d even offer, an old soul. When I read your post, I can almost feel your pain. I can see your anguish and I can hear soul. I hear someone who knows themselves deeply. Deeply enough to take a grip on their heart and forge ahead. I guess what I’m really trying to tell you is this: you are not alone, you are loved, and you are a very intelligent person! (And you write phenomenally!) And I believe that you have what you need within yourself. You have already made strides by distancing yourself from a toxic family. Understand that is huge! And that took a strength that only you could find within YOU. You are powerful, and you are NOT alone!
My famliy hates me I don’t want to live with them anymore they keep shouting at me the treat my sisters better my mom calls me stupied and she always says that she will hit me my dad wants to kill me I don’t want to live her even my sisters do the same I don’t have the right to do anything I don’t sleep at night without crying i tired to kill my self twice by taking pills but it doesn’t work I need help
Hello. You wanted to know there are people out there who know what you are going through, who know what it is like to cope with years of abuse behind you and uncertainty ahead of you. I grew up with a severely physically and emotionally abusive father. I went to school with bruises all over my body. Strangle marks. You name it. I was avoided because I followed the aggression I had been taught. My advice is to find something, when you’re having what I call a “lost day” (Those days where you feel hopeless, worthless, etc) to get you through the next minute. Find another thing to get you through the minute after that. Just keep going. Secondly, realize that you are doing what you can right now. If the jobs aren’t out there, they aren’t out there. You don’t have to be aggressive to get where you want. On that note, don’t stop looking. If you feel way overqualified and underappreciated where you are, look for better opportunities that you can grab on your own time. One more. People will tell you all sorts of shit about how you should live your life, or that you’re too nice, or whatever. Your identity does not come from other people. Take some time to learn exactly who you are, what makes you tick, and most importantly your strengths. My strength is being a take-no-shit person. Others are known for their overwhelming ability to identify with people, or be unfalteringly kind in the face of profound ugliness. I am not that person, but you might be. Cheers, M.
I think depression isn’t an illness either, at least not for me. I agree with you when you say that it’s a reaction to things that have happened to us in life – in our childhood. You could try to find a job, even a job you hate, temporarly. With that money, you could go to therapies, cognitive behavior therapies maybe ? You could also be able to afford to rent a small appartment, or a room somewhere or whatever. I mean from my opinion therapy is your only shot. good luck
You need to take care of yourself first. Take time to get some help, relax and find joy in your life. Stop taking care of your parent, homecare is available, volunteers and respite. Legion members and Church groups will come and do home visits. Your parent might enjoy meeting someone new. Make a plan for your life, list what you like doing. Volunteer, a lot of times, it leads to a job. New discoveries about other people, try something new. Listen to what people are saying, you will always have friends. You have today and your future.
I used to feel this way as well. I wish I could say what I did to change my life but I have no idea what I did to make things different for me. I know part of what I changed was my outlook on life. I wish I had better advice on what you could do. . .
Dear CBL- First, I just want to acknowledge that you are right, your life has been very, very hard, full of difficulty and trauma. This is real, and no amount of wishful thinking will make it not so. I totally feel you on that one. We carries these scars around with us, and it often feels like no one understands. Second, I want to acknowledge that you are very economically stressed right now, while also taking care of your parent, which adds a whole other layer of stress. These are very real difficulties! Maybe the first step is to deal with the economic stress. Are you able to move somewhere cheaper, somewhere with more jobs? Even a not-great job with some security and a cheap, safe apartment in a positive environment can get the threat of homelessness off the table and give you some safe space to deal with everything else. I encourage you to create that space for yourself, you absolutely deserve it. I applaud your efforts to help people in need, and encourage you to continue with this as you can. Nothing gets us out of our own misery more than doing something to lighten someone else’s load. The only benefit of having gone through so much pain is that you can offer understanding and compassion where others would only be afraid. So I encourage you to focus on that. Having had a difficult life myself (and it just keeps coming, but it has gotten better on some fronts) I am amazed when I meet people who have not had a hard time of it. How does that work? But I like to think that all the suffering gives us something to offer, some kind of extra understanding. I read a poem somewhere recently about after intense grief and suffering, all there is left is kindness. I thought this is very beautiful. If we understand our own suffering, it can make us so kind to others. Wishing you the best
I can really relate to what you have been through and the doubts of a better time that would be there. I have made a lot of mistakes throughout my life, out of impulse or ignorance. but the thing is i grew up around the environment that did nothing to better me as a person ans it was very lonely and estranged. I had mental issue for being kept indoors much longer than it should be during my childhood, did not have a happy and financially stable family, had no friends, and i talked to myself in English so that no one could really understand what i was going through, it was my way of protecting and isolating myself. Because i felt that people will only hurt you if you let them in on your heart. Later, by now, after making so many mistakes, learning so many things, making tremendous changes, and thinking i will not be broken down again, Life just through a string of terrible events in my wake, events that i could have never seen coming and did not know what to do to handle them. I ended up being mentally exhausted and having my confidence destroyed by seeking resorts that by no ways are healthy but at the moment seemed to be the only way out. Like always, i deal with all that is going on alone because the people around me are not of the quality to really provide the support and advice i need. they do not have to care for me but that is why it is so bad , cause i have surrounded myself with such kind or to put it differently, i did not find the ones valuable to my life. I did feel like life was not fair and somehow it was not favoring me as an entity within its realm. Again, I did my best, alone, going through all the emotion and struggling. I cried so many times, have lived so many meaningless and emotionally numb or tormented days in life. But i am still going, because i think it will change for me one day, and i am thinking of that day often. If you want to connect with me then text me, i will give you my contact. For what, for the bond between people who have experienced how it felt to fall out of life’s favour i think. I hope we will be able to do something to help one another or maybe just someone who listen and understand. Cause i need it too.