Well…at least I thought I was the normal one.
The thing is, I’m a nice guy. A great guy. Everyone loves to tell me so. The big 300 lbs gorilla in the room is that fact that I am deeply NOT OK. I don’t really know if I can remember ever being ok. I just fake it. I lie. I tell everyone, everything is just fine. And then I lie about myself….my self-esteem is so low that its a new degree of low. Low’s lower cousin…
And then…when confronted by anger, or judgement or fear, I lie about STUPID stuff. Defense mechanisms at work here…move along.
It didn’t really hit me between the eyes till my relationships started falling apart. Badly. And now I’m at the point where I feel the rug being pulled from under me and am starting to have severe panic attacks. Like…I’m realizing my whole world is a lie
and it is.
So today….I decided to start step 1
I looked at myself…after getting caught in yet another bad…STUPID AND MEANINGLESS lie. I realize that I have a problem. Not like I have a problem that can easily be fixed, NO, I have a serious condition and I need help.
and…I started step 2
I called my health insurance and made a call to a therapist. They had to do the whole insurance dance and told me they would get back to me after they talked with my insurance…yadda yadda yadda.
But at least I called. I have a list of doctors if the one I called doesn’t get back to me
Its not just that I want to change.
I need to.
I want to get off this roller coaster called MY PATHETIC life.
Either my significant other is going to join with me on my journey or cast me aside like the garbage I feel like right now.
That will be up to her.
I’m not doing this for her.
I’m not doing this for anyone but me.
I’m not going to blame her, my parents or anyone else for this genetic mental mistake I call my head
This one’s on me. But if it IS on me….then its up to me to get off my arse and fix it (if i can). I’ve taken the first step.
(raising my right hand) I (state your name) am a compulsive liar. I don’t do this to manipulate others, to hurt others or to be dominate to others. I do this because of low self-esteem and to avoid conflict. I don’t do it with any thought involved…and it is akin to a self-defense mechanism for protection.
I beg your forgiveness, and hope that with therapy I can not only get to a point where I do not lie anymore…but that I become a better person who feels as though I can finally be myself and be accepted as such.
I hope to someday be at the end of this journey and have acceptance
Right now all I have is a big ol’ bucket of depression, sadness and fear
But tomorrow is another day
I hope this new therapist calls me soon
I have to promise myself is he/she does not that I will call the next one on the list
And that even if my significant other decides to give up on me….that I will NOT
Because just as I stated at the beginning of this. I am a good person. A nice guy.
That’s gotta mean something…