Why do I answer the phone?
I know it is going to hurt. I know he is going to put me down. And yet, I cannot stop myself.
I never thought I would be one of THOSE GIRLS. The girl who keeps putting herself in harm’s way over and over again. It’s like stepping in front of a bus, every day, for the rest of your life. I mean, who does that? But it is like I am COMPELLED to do it.
I start each day by telling myself that this will be the day that I have no contact with him. And then he calls or texts or emails or messages until I just can’t stand it any longer and I finally respond. He is all nice and sweet to me, saying how everything is fine, it’s all good. That if only I would be nicer to him, if only I would not USE him all the time or disrespect him so much, then everything could be great. He tells me how abusive it is of me to hang up on him and how unfair it is that I don’t want any contact with him.
Why don’t I want contact with him? This is what I hear: “You must be screwing someone else. Is that it? You’re whoring around town like the fat fucking whore that you are? Right, you fat fucking bitch? You ungrateful, greedy, selfish, fat, fucking whoring bitch. All you care about is money, yourself and dick!“ (I would never have cheated on him. Ever.)
This is where I hang up. I usually try to hang up sooner, but it always gets thrown in, sooner or later. I refuse to take his calls.
Then the threats start. “I am going to ruin you, bitch. I will hit you where it hurts the most and you will have nothing left. Everyone knows you used me. Everyone knows you OWE me! They all hate you. Everyone hates you. They tell me I should get rid of you, but I keep telling them that I love you and I know there is a good person in there somewhere. Why do you have to be such a fucking fat whore bitch? You weren’t this fat when I met you…what the fuck happened? Suck too much cock?”
Over and over and over again. How much can one person take? How many times can a person be told how horrible she is before she believes it? AND IT MAKES SENSE TO ME when he says it! THAT is the sick part! I DO freaking believe him!
Then he goes just long enough to make me think that maybe THIS time it will be okay. He has been nicer, not cussing me out as much, telling me how much he loves me and that he can’t live without me. Maybe he IS the only one who will ever want me. Do I want to throw this all away just because he has a dirty mouth? What if he is RIGHT? What if it IS all my fault? God knows I am not easy to get along with. Ask my Mom, ask anyone! I have issues. So what if it IS me? It probably is me.
But do I deserve to be kicked out of the car on the side of the road or in the woods, because I asked politely that he refrain from smoking so much in my presence?
Do I deserve to be woken up from a sound sleep with him screaming in my face because I “disrespected” him somehow while I was sleeping?
Do I deserve to be ridiculed in public to the point of all out bawling and then be told to shut the fuck up or I will get the shit beat out of me?
No, I did not think so either.
I found the courage to sever the ties. I left. And just when I found my own footing again, when I knew that I could stay away from him, he started coming at me sideways. He started emailing my family and friends. Telling them embarrassing things that I told him in confidence – my deepest, darkest secrets. The things that you are supposed to be able to share with your husband in the dark when you need comfort. Things you never wanted anyone to know you lived through or that you made a bad decision about. And then it is all laid out for everyone to see. He says he will continue unless I open those lines of communication back up. Let him back into my life. Then it will stop. It is such a vicious cycle.
Oh god. Most days I just stare straight ahead and wonder how the fuck am I supposed to get through this. I have burned so many bridges just trying to scramble to the surface and I am so tired of fighting. I know there is a problem but I don’t know how to deal with it. He promises that he will ruin me. Financially, emotionally, my reputation and so on. And I can’t stop him.
But I want to. I want to know the answer. I crave it. But just saying “stay away” – that is not the answer. It only gets worse. So what is the answer?
You tell me.
I GOT out. I AM staying away. So how does it stop? When will the abuse stop?
(author’s note: I have been separated from my husband for 6 months now. My divorce was final on October 4th. I finally have my life back. I wrote this when I was newly separated and could never show it to anyone. No one knew the entire extent of what I was going through, but I am learning to open up and get it out and am getting past it. Thank you for letting me share.)
Thank you for sharing and being so very brave.
It isn’t all you. It isn’t your fault.
I know this because he is a liar.
I know he is a liar because EVERYONE doesn’t hate you.
I know everyone doesn’t hate you because I don’t hate you. I think you are brave. I think you are smart. I think you are a good writer. I’m proud of you. And I KNOW you deserve better.
I am so very glad you got out and I am so very impressed with the strength and fortitude you have shown.
So many of us “internalize” the actions of others into the idea that we are “less than worthy”, when really all of your husband’s actions do not mean there was anything wrong with YOU, but that he does not know how to maintain a healthy, monogamous, happy relationship. So, I do hope that you and your son both affirm everyday that none of what your husband is or is not doing has NOTHING to do with who you are/or what you have done in your relations with your husband, but that it is his lack of compassion or action on his part to be there for you.
I copied and pasted a section of one of my comments to another post. They ring similarly true for you. Abuse gets internalized by the victim as “what did I do wrong”, when it is not you that is wrong, it was him. I was glad to read that you have your life back now, and you are brave to share all that you wrote. Best to you in life. 🙂
You are a strong woman for getting out, and staying out. I’ve been there, and it is just like you described – walking in front of a bus every single day and asking for the abuse. That’s how I felt anyway.
And it’s still a struggle once you leave. But it’s refreshing to get your life back. You deserve so much better than that. I applaud you for being brave and divorcing him. It’s so hard, but it’s so worth it. *HUGS*
Congrats to you! It takes a ton of courage to walk away and stay gone through an abusive relationship. My relationship was much the same (I felt every word you wrote as if it were my own); and as you know now, it was not you and you will get your life back and all the happiness you deserve. Remain strong and remember that you have strength to walk through any storm!
Thank you all so much for your comments. They made me cry again. I have shed so many tears in the last year and a half. I work everyday to rebuild my self esteem. I am working on the relationships I destroyed while I was married. It is a daily battle that I am GOING to win.
Thank you all again. I am really glad I found this site and I make sure to comment as much as I can as well.
have been in the same place. My ex spent eight months harassing me, texts, phone calls, emails, IM, in person, trying every tactic to break me and make me go back to him. One of the many worst moments was when he threatened to kill himself over the phone on Christmas eve. I refused to tell him or any friends who might come in contact with him where I lived. I dreaded my cell phone beeping. He would keep me up with messages and calls until 5am most nights, trying to force me to cave. I ended up moving across the country to stop the panic attacks and fear that I would run into him on the street.
Be strong, the way out is steep but YOU ARE WORTH IT
Arianna, I wrote down every single word he said, whether it was on the phone or on voice mail or in a text or email, for three days straight. I wrote them down word for word. Because he kept saying that I was making it all up in my head. That I was crazy and I needed help. That I was hearing things and reacting to things that were not true. Three days I did this.
Now, I look at that notebook every week, I read everything that he said to me, out loud. I know that he DID do these things and say these things and I know I can never go back. I will not go back. This is my tool.
I am so sorry you were in the same situation. I am so sorry you had to uproot your entire life over him. YOU ARE WORTH IT TOO! THANK YOU!
I have so much love for women like you who not only get out, but tell their story. I know I need to tell my own, but I’m still too petrified of the boy who ruined me. I’ve been free from him for 7 years already but I’m still too scared to tell the world what he did.
Stay strong darling.
Thank you! And remember that even if you just write it down for yourself and never tell another person…there is freedom in exercising those demons. Just tell it to the paper. Or to a word doc. It really does help.
Big Hugs to you!!
Holy heck, I love your bravery for sharing. For getting out. All the love!
On suggest writing him a letter (but don’t send it….or do, up to you). Tell him “I don’t know what you see but I’ll tell you what I see now
I see a fat fucking whore bitch and proud! I’m as fat or thin as I want. I’m as gorgeous as ever, even moreso since I left you. I will suck as much dick and have as much sex as I want, because I am a free and powerful woman. Even moreso since leaving you. My family knows my secrets, including all of yours, too. You never figured out true power so you abuse, the sign of an idiot who can’t figure his shit out. I got my shit figured out, mainly that you are not worth shit. Goodbye.”
I wouldn’t write him a letter, people like that can’t usually tolerate the truth. I would be documenting the crap out of every single interaction. Times, dates, length of calls, emails, everything he says. All of it. Because you’re likely going to want to get a restraining order and this *will* help. It’s not in your head, you don’t deserve to be treated this way, you are a human being and deserve love and respect. Your sex life doesn’t change that, be a hoe! Don’t be a hoe! Doesn’t matter, you are deserving of respect. And then maybe consider changing your number.