[Ed. note: I’m leaving the grammatical, spelling, and punctuation errors in place since this was written by a young person. Correcting everything would take away some of the authenticity of this piece. -Adrienne]

I’ve been wanting to write a post about what I went through as a kid for a while, but I have not been able to sit down and do it the way I want. Instead I pulled out my diary I kept back then. I am going to write down the raw emotions I felt that day and maybe it will help me to get through some things.

June 17, 1995

Dear Diary,

I haven’t wrote in a long time but I have been really busy.

Well, let me start on June 10th….

Mom let me go to Dan’s sisters wedding and he gave me a gold bracelet (no it wasn’t stolen) and he also went out with Missy! NO JOKE!

I have confusing news too, K here’s what happened…

I was laying on the couch at Denises yesterday getting ready for bed because we were going to go to the lake today since I was babysitting the little brat Becca I needed a break.

Anyway, Ron came in to tell Brittany the dog good night since she was sleeping with me. He moved the sheet and I thought it was so he could pet Brittany, then he just started rubbing my vaginal area..My heart was beating 50mph then he started rubbing my chest and I was so scared to do anything because he had had a few bears and I wasn’t sure what he was capable of, but then I ran and told Denise and he left.

I didn’t know where he went but after about 30minuts Denise found him and he admitted he had done so then, I knew I wasn’t dreaming! Denise kept saying he was sorry from the bottom of his heart and he was gonna turn himself into the police tomorrow night and get counseling.

Why did he? I though I could trust him but now I can’t trust no one!

I’ll probably be real touch for a long long while! I never want to see him again! Not in court, at Sue’s, at Denise’s anywhere! I don’t want to go to court either!

Why did this happen to me again? I don’t understand why am I so confused? I need to spill my guts to someone who knows what I am going through.

I’m thinking about telling Krystal.

I better go now.

Confused and Sad,
Me

That is the same night it happened. I am also going to include the next few days…

June 20, 1995

Dear Diary,
I’m now in the car headed back to Moline. I just had to get away from that hellhole Peru! David beat Krystal for asking questions about what happened and told her if she told her mom he beat her, he’d beat her worse! Well she didn’t tell..D.L did, so now David is blaming Krystal’s nightmares on me and so was Sue.

I confide things I don’t even tell my best friend in you and I trust no one with read you, at least I hope
Well I better go.

Still Confused,
Me

June 2, 1995

Dear Diary,

Last night I wrote a letter to my mom about what happned and then I guess all my feelings caught up with me cause I have been holding them in for so long I guess. I just started crying for no reason at all, just because.

When Grandma came in I couldn’t tell her anything! I confessed all my feelings to mom though. Grandma would ask me a question and I could only move my head in circles. I couldn’t decide anything! I am scared of my own shadow and even the dark! I am 14 years old and acting like I am 2! I even feel uncomfortable around Uncle Scott! I feel so horrible and I miss my mom! The only time I am not or I don’t is when I am around Dan and Alisa.

Yes I know Dan is a guy too. But he’s so casual and calm he makes my whole body loosen up and feel really good, same thing with Alisa.
I miss my mom so much! I hear her voice and her car and car keys being laid on the table. I am so scared and confused I don’t know what to do!

Me

June 14, 1995
12:10 am

Dear Diary,

I talked to my mom tonight and I started crying. I felt so bad.

I feel funny when I’m around Uncle Scott. I know it’s sad But I can’t help it, it makes me feel uncomfortable when he even tickles me.
I am going to Peru next week. I can’t wait to see my mom again. I miss her so much!

Gotta Go!
Me

That is where I will end it. I don’t want to bore you too much with all the 14-year old babble.

Let me finish by saying that my mom had to stay behind to finish things up with her job. I understood that at the time, but it didn’t make it any easier. I can’t say I would make the same decision with my children. I hope I will never be in a position to have to choose something like that.

My uncle Scott has always been like a dad to me. He was there when my father wasn’t. I knew why I was feeling what I did around him and felt incredibly guilty about it. Denise and Ron were my mom’s boyfriend’s (David) sister and brother-in-law and I was spending the summer with them to babysit their two girls.

I was supposed to be home that weekend but they begged me to stay and go to the lake. I have regretted that decision a lot! Krystal is David’s daughter. She was my sister and I wanted to tell her because she had been through something similar. And when I say he beat her, he really didn’t he spanked her but you know…that was acceptable then.

I still struggle with what happened to me. I am terrified of it happening to my kids. I think sometimes I am too worried about it. And I try to talk myself through a lot of things. I can see where my problems came from and what happened and I just can’t seem to work through them.

So they get pushed to the back. I do the best I can without dwelling on the past.