This shell of mine is cracking.
I try to hide it under duct tape
But that’s no longer working.
I can’t take another setback,
Another failure,
Another rejection.
I think I have suffered enough.
I deserve to be happy
To be loved
To be surrounded by people who cheer me on
Not tear me down.
Yet life does not agree with me.
It says that I don’t matter
Unless someone needs something:
A Worker
A detective/private investigator
A babysitter
A human punching bag.
Life says that I am not good enough.
That I will never be anything more than what I am.
That I am beating my head into a brick wall.
That I should wake up and see that the shitty life I live–
Is all I’m worth.
Life says that my lot in life is to be alone
To watch others have all the fun, joy peace, happiness.
To hide away from the world–ignored and unaccepted.
Sadly, I’ve grown tired of fighting life.
My head is pretty battered from the beating it has taken.
I have chosen to give up,
To silently and quickly murder my dreams
And play alone with the dark shadows of my mind.
TRANSPLANTEDX3 says:
January 15, 2011 at 3:32 pm
I am fairly new to this site as well and I am in awe of the love and support that’s out here. We are here to support you. I know it hard to not let others tear you down, but don’t give up on yourself. Thank you for coming here to share. We’re listening.
Sending love and strength your way.
Nicole says:
January 15, 2011 at 3:35 pm
It’s easy to just say – don’t give up. I know it’s not easy to do, when it seems life itself keeps using you to wipe it’s @ss. I have been there, maybe not exactly where you are, but I have been to the neighborhood. It sucks. I have had crap following me since I was old enough to remember. It is possible to overcome the crap life hands you – especially if the crap is coming from other people. Your worthiness is not decided by THEM. It comes from within you – or if you need it, I think others on this site will help until you find it in yourself. You have had the strength to make it this far – hold on to that! If you were a weak and worthless person, you would have crumpled long before now.
Mimzyofcourse says:
January 15, 2011 at 3:43 pm
It reads like poetry. Nice!
Now, exactly what are you trying to say? I hope you’re not hinting of what I think you are. If you are thinking of doing something drastic, DON’t!!
Believe me, no one has a perfect life, it just doesn’t exist. I’m sure you’ve read some if not all of the others’ stories here.
Posting on here is a good start though.
I’m so sorry life or someone has treated you badly. That is something I do not take lightly. Feel the love and support you will get here. We’re here for you if you need us.
All the love to you, Mimzy
Now, exactly what are you trying to say? I hope you’re not hinting of what I think you are. If you are thinking of doing something drastic, DON’t!!”
i was thinking the same thing 🙁
Melissa says:
January 15, 2011 at 4:24 pm
You are not alone. Please be kind to yourself. If you need someone please e-mail me and I will be there. I will call, I will listen
Peggy says:
January 15, 2011 at 5:17 pm
I really do not know how to start this, but remember that first and foremost, God doesn’t make any junk !!
You are one of HIS creations and your life matters to HIM….and also to me !! You are a very brave woman to put into words what you are feeling…I’m so proud of you for getting all of the vile thoughts out of your system and hopefully now there is room for positive thoughts regarding your worth and your future.
We are stronger individuals when we experience some of the tough times in life that are thrown our way. (No, we don’t choose to have them for that reason, but in retrospect, I have always been stronger afterward.) And look around you, remembering that everyone you meet at work, on the street, in line at the grocery store , etc. has , has had, or will have tough times. Hold your head up & be proud of yourself !! You’re on your way to recovery now !!
Kelly says:
January 15, 2011 at 6:46 pm
You’re not alone. I don’t have words to make it better – if I did, my own thoughts wouldn’t mirror yours so closely. Thanks for being strong enough to share that – knowing someone else “gets it” helps the tiniest bit.
SUSANNAH says:
January 15, 2011 at 9:22 pm
You are not alone. Please don’t give up.
Sometimes you go through rough patches. Sometimes you go through a lot of them. Sometimes it feels as if it will never get any better, but time truly heals all wounds.
Just keep living one second at a time and you will get through it.
We are here for you and you have all the support that we all can give you.
I’m sending out a big, virtual hug. I hope it brings a little comfort.
RUTH says:
January 16, 2011 at 12:40 am
I agree with Mimzy and Angie if you are at the drastic phase get help now. Most cities have emergency phone numbers for emotional help. If you are at the phase of you want to crawl into bed and throw the covers over your head and stay there. I so get that. I have been there, 20 years ago. I learned then that I could do anything for 5 minutes. It took only 5 minutes to walk from my bed to the couch. Some days that was the only thing I accomplished. But getting out of my room into another space meant I could still move. I liked a poster I read once that courage was hanging on moments past the point of giving-up. Your writing describes so well the despair of severe depression. I am sorry you are experiencing that now. Sending thoughts of kindness in your direction.