“Mommy Dearest,”
First off, I would like to thank you. Because of you, I know what kind of mother NOT to be.
Now, let me be blunt. You are not the June Cleaver type of mother you have created in your head. Growing up, my life was not normal. It was not okay that you spent pretty much every day of my childhood intoxicated in some way. It is not okay that you bought wine coolers at the grocery store would drink them on the way home while you begged me not to tell my daddy. Going to three different doctors to get Xanax, and then taking 12-14 a day at your peak was bullshit.
Then, you had the nerve to blame all this on me. You said the reason you became an addict was so that you could cope with doing things normal mothers do everyday. You said that in order to tolerate taking me to dance or attend my chorus concerts you had to get shit-faced.
Well lady, I call bullshit. Really. It is not okay to blame your insanity on a child.
While we’re at it, it was crap that some of my first memories are of you telling me you were going to kill yourself. You would whisper this in my ear so that Daddy wouldn’t hear you. You once told me right before a vacation to the beach that you would die there. You said that you were going to walk out into the ocean and never come back. You also seemed to go particularly crazy at holidays. Why? I don’t know. The thought of Christmas still makes me panic.
You have called me things like “whore,” “slut,” and “worthless.” You have told me that the only reason I am here is because of my Daddy. You said if had been up to you, you would have had an abortion. In what world is this considered sane? You wondered why I rebelled as a teen. Well hell, I was crying out for help.
Now, you have the balls to think that should I allow you in my life because you finally decided to get sober? You expect that we should be friends and I should help you?
Let’s get this straight: I don’t owe you a fucking thing.
You have never apologized to me for being a shitty mother. You’ve never apologized for the psychological damage that may never go away. Not only that, you don’t even acknowledge that you ever did anything at all. The things I have listed here are just the tip of the iceberg. Conveniently, they seem to slip your mind.
You have nothing now because you left daddy. You wasted every cent that you got in the divorce. It’s your fault that you have nothing. It’s your fault you have no one. It’s your job to make a life for yourself. It is not my job to fill your life with happiness. God knows, you never filled mine with any.
You, as a mother, are supposed to be there to lift me up. Not the other way around. Our roles have always been reversed and our relationship beyond dysfunctional. I may have had to take your crap when I was little, but I sure as shit don’t have to live with your insanity now. I will not give you the chance to poison my four precious angels the way you did me.
You may be sober, but you are still the same selfish, self-centered person you always were. Unless you can prove to me that you deserve another chance in my life, I will always resent you and keep you at an arms length.
Get over it.
I had to.
Your daughter (in name only),
Kelly
I think we have the same mom
As I read this, line after line, I only thought, “I’m sorry.” I’m so sorry that this was your child hood. It’s unfair. It’s horrible. and you are right, you owe your mother nothing. God bless.
Congratulations for letting this out. It doesn’t take it all away but it must feel good to call her bullshit out tithe universe. At some point I need to write a very similar letter and this has been strengthening.
I can not fathom a child going throught this. Your children are so blessed that you are not repeating this abuse.
I just went and read your last post (about putting yourself last, not having adults to talk to other than your husband, etc.) and that one has a whole new level when read with this one. It *is* harder to take time for yourself when you don’t want to be like your mom and make it all about you. She was extreme though, and it seems like you’ve got your head screwed on straight. My mom (and my MIL) do not have the word “sorry” in their vocabularies. If they ever happen to feel an inkling that they might have maybe been in the wrong, they purchase an expensive gift, unwanted & unasked for, and never mention that particular mistake again. They sure are happy to mention *our* mistakes over & over. Wth? Keep the strength to keep her at arms’ length if that’s what you need! ((hugs))
Oh yes. The paying off. Infuriating and pathetic all at once.
Kelly, I am glad you know what you need to do to keep yourself safe. Peace to you and your family.
We have the same mother, dude. I’m sorry. It really, really sucks.
I can relate. It’s not my mom, but somebody else close to me. Congrats for being able to write this and admit it. And to free yourself from her
OMG, I had never comprehended the pathetic part. [head-desk]
Thank you all for the love and support. Seriously! I have been contemplating writing this letter for a while and hearing this feedback makes me know that I was right to get it out in the open instead of holding it in. To those of you who said you have the same mom, it does suck and I’m sorry that anyone else experienced what I did. It changes who you are.
I am amazed at how much better it made me feel to get this off my chest even if my mom does refuse to hear it.
PS Thanks to Aunt Becky for giving us this wonderful forum. You will never know how much it means!
((((Hugs to you all!!!)))
Damn. That’s my mother too. It sucks, doesn’t it?
It does suck, and Im sorry you went through it.
I’m so sorry to have heard this. I hate that you had a mother like that. I did also. Sometime I will write about it and share on BBT.
I have only said this to very few people: I believe my mother is in hell making Hitler cry. I make jokes, but that is my defense mechanism.
All the best to you, love and hugs and good vibes your way ~~ Mimzy
Mimzy- I think you should write about it. It felt really good when I did. Like a weight was lifted. I think humor is a way better defense mechanism than some that you could be using. Thanks for the good vibes