Grief is an emotion – a natural response to loss – and the emotional pain felt when something or someone is taken away from their loved one. Most people associate grief with the death of a loved person, but grief can be the result of many different situations. These situations can include:
Miscarriage
Pet Loss
Loss of a long-loved dream
Loss of a friendship
Serious illness of a loved one
Becoming chronically ill
Divorce
Breakup of a romantic relationship
Trauma
Losing a job
The greater and more profound the loss, the more intense the feelings of grief may be. It’s important to remember that even the smallest of losses can lead to grieving – moving to another city, graduating high school, changing jobs, retiring – these are all events that can lead to grief.
Losing a loved one – be it a friend, family member, beloved pet, or a child – is one of the most challenging parts of life. No matter how natural death is, the grief associated with losing a loved one comes with very strong emotions like depression, guilt, and anger. Many times, those who have lost a loved one feel both alone and socially isolated from the rest of the world, which is why it’s so important to have someone to lean on during the grieving process.
Knowing the stages of grief will help you understand some of the things they are feeling: denial and isolation, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. Also knowing that there is no timeline on grief, that it can take a year or ten or forever, will help you understand the person you are trying to comfort.
What Are Some Common Signs Of Grief?
Losses and grief are as individual as the person experiencing it, but often, the emotions that are associated with grief and loss can be confusing, overwhelming, and scary. Here are some of the most common signs and feelings associated with grief and grieving:
Guilt – many people who are grieving report feeling guilty for things left unsaid to the deceased. Others may feel guilt if they are relieved that their loved one has passed from a chronic illness. Still others may feel guilt for not preventing the death – even if the death wasn’t preventable.
Shock – in the immediate time frame after a loss, many people feel shock and disbelief that their loved one has actually died. This may lead to feelings of numbness, disbelief that the death is real, and an inability to accept the truth.
Sadness – one of the most common signs of grief is an overwhelming sadness. Someone who is grieving may feel lonely, empty inside, despairing, or emotionally unstable.
Anger – whether or not the death was not anyone’s fault, many people feel anger and resentment after a loss. This anger may be directed at the deceased, yourself, God, the doctors who didn’t prevent the loss.
Fear – a large loss can trigger many fears and worries, anxiety and insecurity. Many people report panic attacks after the death of a loved one. The death of someone you love can remind you of your own mortality and make you wonder how you can face your life without that person.
How To Support Someone Who’s Grieving:
The death of a loved one is one of life’s most difficult experiences. The bereaved struggle with many intense and painful emotions, including depression, anger, guilt, and profound sadness. Often, they feel isolated and alone in their grief, but having someone to lean on can help them through the grieving process.
The intense pain and difficult emotions that accompany bereavement can often make people uncomfortable about offering support to someone who’s grieving. You may be unsure what to do or worried about saying the wrong thing at such a difficult time. That’s understandable. But don’t let discomfort prevent you from reaching out to someone who is grieving. Now, more than ever, your loved one needs your support. You don’t need to have answers or give advice or say and do all the right things. The most important thing you can do for a grieving person is to simply be there. It’s your support and caring presence that will help your loved one cope with the pain and gradually begin to heal.
The keys to helping a loved one who’s grieving
Don’t let fears about saying or doing the wrong thing stop you from reaching out
Let your grieving loved one know that you’re there to listen
Understand that everyone grieves differently and for different lengths of time
Offer to help in practical ways
Maintain your support after the funeral
1) Helping a grieving person: Understand the grieving process
The better your understanding of grief and how it is healed, the better equipped you’ll be to help a bereaved friend or family member:
Grief may involve extreme emotions and behaviors. Feelings of guilt, anger, despair, and fear are common. A grieving person may yell to the heavens, obsess about the death, lash out at loved ones, or cry for hours on end. Your loved one needs reassurance that what they feel is normal. Don’t judge them or take their grief reactions personally.
No right or wrong way to grieve. Grief does not always unfold in orderly, predictable stages. It can be an emotional ride, with unpredictable highs, lows, and setbacks. Everyone grieves differently, so avoid telling your loved one what they “should” be feeling or doing.
No set timetable for grieving. For many people, recovery after bereavement takes 18 to 24 months, but for others, the grieving process may be longer or shorter. Don’t pressure your loved one to move on or make them feel like they’ve been grieving too long. This can actually slow the healing process.
2) Know what to say to someone who’s grieving
While many of us worry about what to say to a grieving person, it’s actually more important to listen. Oftentimes, well-meaning people avoid talking about the death or change the subject when the deceased person is mentioned. But the bereaved need to feel that their loss is acknowledged, it’s not too terrible to talk about, and their loved one won’t be forgotten. By listening compassionately, you can take your cues from the grieving person.
How to talk—and listen—to someone who’s grieving
While you should never try to force someone to open up, it’s important to let your grieving friend or loved one know that you’re there to listen if they want to talk about their loss. Talk candidly about the person who died and don’t steer away from the subject if the deceased’s name comes up. And when it seems appropriate, ask sensitive questions—without being nosy—that invite the grieving person to openly express their feelings. By simply asking, “Do you feel like talking?” you’re letting your loved one know that you’re available to listen.
You can also:
Acknowledge the situation. For example, you could say something as simple as: “I heard that your father died.” By using the word “died” you’ll show that you’re more open to talk about how the grieving person really feels.
Express your concern. For example: “I’m sorry to hear that this happened to you.”
Let the bereaved talk about how their loved one died. People who are grieving may need to tell the story over and over again, sometimes in minute detail. Be patient. Repeating the story is a way of processing and accepting the death. With each retelling, the pain lessens. By listening patiently and compassionately, you’re helping your loved one heal.
Ask how your loved one feels. The emotions of grief can change rapidly so don’t assume you know how the bereaved person feels at any given time. If you’ve gone through a similar loss, share your own experience if you think it would help. Remember, though, that grief is an intensely individual experience. No two people experience it exactly the same way, so don’t claim to “know” what the person is feeling or compare your grief to theirs. Again, put the emphasis on listening instead, and ask your loved one to tell you how they’re feeling.
Accept your loved one’s feelings. Let the grieving person know that it’s okay to cry in front of you, to get angry, or to break down. Don’t try to reason with them over how they should or shouldn’t feel. Grief is a highly emotional experience, so the bereaved need to feel free to express their feelings—no matter how irrational—without fear of judgment, argument, or criticism.
Be genuine in your communication. Don’t try to minimize their loss, provide simplistic solutions, or offer unsolicited advice. It’s far better to just listen to your loved one or simply admit: “I’m not sure what to say, but I want you to know I care.”
Be willing to sit in silence. Don’t press if the grieving person doesn’t feel like talking. Often, comfort for them comes from simply being in your company. If you can’t think of something to say, just offer eye contact, a squeeze of the hand, or a reassuring hug.
Offer your support. Ask what you can do for the grieving person. Offer to help with a specific task, such as helping with funeral arrangements, or just be there to hang out with or as a shoulder to cry
3) Offer practical assistance
It is difficult for many grieving people to ask for help. They might feel guilty about receiving so much attention, fear being a burden to others, or simply be too depressed to reach out. A grieving person may not have the energy or motivation to call you when they need something, so instead of saying, “Let me know if there’s anything I can do,” make it easier for them by making specific suggestions. You could say, “I’m going to the market this afternoon. What can I bring you from there?” or “I’ve made beef stew for dinner. When can I come by and bring you some?”
If you’re able, try to be consistent in your offers of assistance. The grieving person will know that you’ll be there for as long as it takes and can look forward to your attentiveness without having to make the additional effort of asking again and again.
There are many practical ways you can help a grieving person. You can offer to:
Shop for groceries or run errands
Drop off a casserole or other type of food
Help with funeral arrangements
Stay in your loved one’s home to take phone calls and receive guests
Help with insurance forms or bills
Take care of housework, such as cleaning or laundry
Watch their children or pick them up from school
Drive your loved one wherever they need to go
Look after your loved one’s pets
Go with them to a support group meeting
Accompany them on a walk
Take them to lunch or a movie
Share an enjoyable activity (sport, game, puzzle, art project)
4) Provide ongoing support
Your loved one will continue grieving long after the funeral is over and the cards and flowers have stopped. The length of the grieving process varies from person to person, but often lasts much longer than most people expect. Your loved one may need your support for months or even years.
Continue your support over the long haul. Stay in touch with the grieving person, periodically checking in, dropping by, or sending letters or cards. Once the funeral is over and the other mourners are gone, and the initial shock of the loss has worn off, your support is more valuable than ever.
Don’t make assumptions based on outward appearances. The bereaved person may look fine on the outside, while inside they’re suffering. Avoid saying things like “You are so strong” or “You look so well.” This puts pressure on the person to keep up appearances and to hide their true feelings.
The pain of bereavement may never fully heal. Be sensitive to the fact that life may never feel the same. You don’t “get over” the death of a loved one. The bereaved person may learn to accept the loss. The pain may lessen in intensity over time, but the sadness may never completely go away.
Offer extra support on special days. Certain times and days of the year will be particularly hard for your grieving friend or family member. Holidays, family milestones, birthdays, and anniversaries often reawaken grief. Be sensitive on these occasions. Let the bereaved person know that you’re there for whatever they need.
5) Watch for warning signs of depression
It’s common for a grieving person to feel depressed, confused, disconnected from others, or like they’re going crazy. But if the bereaved person’s symptoms don’t gradually start to fade—or they get worse with time—this may be a sign that normal grief has evolved into a more serious problem, such as major depressive disorder.
Encourage the grieving person to seek professional help if you observe any of the following warning signs after the initial grieving period—especially if it’s been over two months since the death.
Difficulty functioning in daily life
Extreme focus on the death
Excessive bitterness, anger, or guilt
Neglecting personal hygiene
Alcohol or drug abuse
Inability to enjoy life
Hallucinations
Withdrawing from others
Constant feelings of hopelessness
Talking about dying or suicide
How To Cope With Grieving:
The greater the loss you’ve experienced, the greater the emotional pain and turmoil that you’re likely to experience, although it’s important to remember that even the most minor situations can lead to feelings of grief and grieving.
Here are some tips for coping with grief and grieving:
Grief is a completely natural response to the loss of something you loved.
When you are grieving, you may want to isolate yourself from the rest of the world. Do not do this. Make sure that you work hard to let people know that you’re struggling and how they can help you.
Ask for help – even if it’s something as simple as picking up some groceries or bringing over dinner, it’s important to ask for help when you need it. Most people want to help someone who is grieving, but may not know how.
Not everyone grieves on the same timetable. What may be “nothing” to someone else can be a major blow to you – so don’t expect more of yourself. Allow yourself the time and space to grieve your loss.
Be patient with yourself. Even if you think you “should” be better by now, getting through the grieving process isn’t something that can happen simply because you want it to happen.
Do not ignore your emotional pain. While it may feel easier to stifle the pain, push it way down there, this is not a healthy way to handle grief and loss. In order to heal, we must face our losses head-on and cope with the grief.
Don’t hide your true feelings by putting on a mask of “strength.” You’re not protecting other people from your pain in doing so – you’re denying it – and that’s something you don’t need to do.
There are no right or wrong ways to cope with grief and grieving – only the way you feel.
Grief is a very personal experience, which means that it’s different for everyone.
The manner in which you grieve may depend on other factors, such as your personality type, coping mechanisms, life experiences, nature of the loss, and your faith.
Not everyone cries while grieving, which does NOT mean that if you don’t cry, you’re not sad. Everyone copes with grief in their own way.
Lean on other people no matter how much it hurts your pride to admit that you’re struggling. Accept all help that’s offered and suggest other things you need help with.
Find a support group for the bereaved – often grief can isolate us from others, making us feel very alone. This is why it’s vital to find others who are going through similar situations in order to find new ways to cope, feel less alone, and have some shoulders to lean on.
Find a grief counselor or therapist – often, especially in the case with a significant loss, coping with grief can be too much to handle alone. Find a therapist in your area (or have a friend do so for you) in order to talk to someone about your grief and find ways to cope with the loss.
Make sure you’re keeping physically healthy. It may seem impossible, but you’re going to have to make sure that you work extra hard to eat well, get plenty of rest, and exercise. Grieving and stress can take a huge toll on the body, so it’s important to take care of your own health.
Write it out. Or draw it out. Find some way for you to express your feelings in a meaningful manner.
Never, EVER, allow someone else to tell you how you “should” be feeling or what you “should” be doing. Grief is an individual experience, and what works for you may not work for someone else. Don’t listen to ANYONE who wants to tell you that you’re grieving the wrong way.
Plan out triggers, like holidays and birthdays, and have a plan for how to handle them. Make plans with friends or plant a tree in your loved one’s honor. Anything but sitting around your house alone, feeling miserable.
When Your Loved One Is Grieving:
For most people, reaching out to someone who is grieving or knowing what to say to them is a very difficult thing to do. This comes naturally for some, but if we’re really honest, it’s awkward and scary for most of us.
One of the main reasons it’s so awkward is that nobody wants to remind someone that they are sad or that they have lost a loved one. If only one thing can be said in this space, it should be said that “You cannot remind someone who has lost a loved one, that they have lost a loved one. They will never forget. YOU are not going to remind them because they carry it with them all the time.”
Never let the discomfort of grief prevent you from reaching out to someone who has lost something they loved – support, no matter what form you can provide – is vital to someone who is grieving. Certainly, you may not know what to say to someone who has lost a loved one – you don’t have to have the answers for the person who is grieving. All that the person needs from you is to have someone there alongside them while they grieve. This can help tremendously with healing and emotional pain associated with loss.
How To Help A Loved One Grieve:
There are ways you can help someone who is grieving, some by talking and some by caring actions. Here are some ways to help a loved one grieve a loss.
Listen with compassion and love, and don’t hesitate to bring up the name of the person who has died with your loved one. This can help your loved one feel as though the deceased isn’t forgotten and that their loss has been acknowledged.
Ask your loved one if they feel like talking about their grief – don’t push them to discuss the loss, but let them know that you are there to talk whenever they feel like talking.
Acknowledge all of the feelings that your loved one has. These feelings and emotions may make no sense to you, but everyone grieves differently.
Allow the bereaved talk about their loved one as often as they would like, even if they are repeating themselves. Talking about their deceased loved one helps them remember their loved one.
Don’t be afraid to sit in silence with your loved one. Sometimes, just knowing that someone is there and listening is the very best thing that you can do.
Offer to help them with normal, daily tasks like picking up groceries, mowing the lawn, paying bills (especially if they have never been the one to do that).
Take the initiative and help out with daily tasks – many people who are grieving feel intense guilt or shame in asking for help.
Take them to lunch and remember to call. This is especially important weeks and months later when the visitors and cards have come to a halt.
Continue being there for your loved one, months and years later. Support dwindles fairly quickly after a loss.
Pay attention to warning signs for depression or suicide. Make sure the bereaved is taking care of themselves by seeing a doctor, dentist, therapist or other professional. It’s easy to neglect yourself when grieving.
Know that a squeeze of a hand or a big hug shows you love them and are thinking of them. You don’t always have to have a large conversation, but a small gesture will go a long way.
Share your stories of their loved one, remember them and celebrate them with the bereaved.
Be patient and kind with your loved one. Grief is a process, not an event, which means that even if you’re doing the same thing with them over and over, it may be part of their healing process.
Allow the grieving person discuss how their loved one passed away, even if it makes you uncomfortable.
Provide comfort without comparing losses. No two losses are alike, so it’s important not to compare the loss of a child to the loss of a pet.
Understand that the pain of the loss may never fully heal.
Be there for the grieving person on trigger dates – anniversaries, birthdays, holidays.
What To Say To Someone Who Is Grieving:
It can be uncomfortable to discuss the loss with someone who is grieving. Here are some things to say to someone who is grieving:
“I’m so very sorry that you lost (name of person)”
“I heard that (name of person) died.”
“Tell me how I can help.”
“How are you feeling?”
“I’m not sure what to say, but I’m here for you when you need me.”
How Not To Help Someone Who Is Grieving:
Sometimes, even the most well-meaning actions can cause a grieving person to feel worse.
Here are some things NOT to do while trying to help someone who is grieving.
Don’t invalidate their feelings like telling them not to cry or not to feel guilty. These are normal parts of grieving and should be gone through, not around.
Do not tell a grieving person how to cope with their grief. It’s not up to you how they feel, and it’s important that the bereaved feels supported, not minimized.
Don’t minimize their feelings by saying things like, “Well, it was God’s plan.” It’s offensive, rude, and may hurt, rather than help, a grieving individual.
Don’t push the bereaved to discuss his or her grief if he or she is not ready to discuss it. There’s a fine line between being nosy and being supportive.
There is no right or wrong way to grieve. Remember that.
Don’t offer advice
There is no timetable for grief and grieving.
Don’t judge the way someone is handling a loss – unless you’re walking around in their shoes, you have no way of knowing what their feelings are.
Don’t assume that just because someone who is grieving looks “okay,” that he or she is.
What NOT To Say To Someone Who Is Grieving:
While some of the platitudes we may have heard are often things called upon by those who are attempting to comfort the bereaved, well-meaning comments can often do more harm than good. Here are some things NOT to say to someone who is grieving:
“It’s part of God’s plan.”
“(Name of loved one) is in a better place now.”
“I know just how you feel.”
“But look at all you have to be thankful for!”
“It’s time to move on with your life.”
“You’re wallowing.”
“You should” or “You will” statements.
Additional Grief and Grieving Resources:
Solace Tree – Helping adults, teens and children cope with the loss of a loved one.
GriefShare is an international website which helps individuals locate local grief recovery support groups in the US, Canada, UK, New Zealand, Australia, and South Africa.
While we here at Band Back Together work tirelessly to collect hotline numbers, it’s not always possible for us to vet each number. If a hotline number is no longer functional or is in bad taste, please send an email to becky@bandbacktogether.com with the phone number so we can remove it.
A safe space to talk about abortion experiences by offering a talkline providing unbiased support and encouragement of self-care for people who have had an abortion.
ARC offers non-directive information and support to parents before, during and after antenatal screening; when they are told their baby has an anomaly; when they are making difficult decisions about continuing with or ending a pregnancy, and when they are coping with complex and painful issues after making a decision, including bereavement.
Call our national helpline and speak to a member of our trained team. Our helpline is open Monday to Friday, 10.00am-5.30pm.
Call 0845 077 2290 or 0207 713 7486 from a mobile.
To speak to an information support specialist, please contact us at 1.800.394.3366 between 9:30 a.m. and 5:30 p.m. (ET)
For questions regarding our services, website, or website content, contact info@childwelfare.gov
Use Live Chat(opens in new window), an instant messaging service, to contact an information support specialist between 10 a.m. and 5 p.m. (ET). We recommend turning off your pop-up blocker to maximize this service.
NCADD focuses on increasing public awareness and understanding of the diseases of alcohol and drug dependence through education, prevention, information and referral, intervention, treatment services, advocacy, and recovery support services.
Confidential, free, 24-hour-a-day, 365-day-a-year, information service, in English and Spanish, for individuals and family members facing mental and/or substance use disorders.
NCADD focuses on increasing public awareness and understanding of the diseases of alcohol and drug dependence through education, prevention, information and referral, intervention, treatment services, advocacy, and recovery support services.
Confidential, free, 24-hour-a-day, 365-day-a-year, information service, in English and Spanish, for individuals and family members facing mental and/or substance use disorders.
Offers confidential support and information to people living with Alzheimer’s or other dementia, caregivers, families, and the public.
We are available around the clock, 365 days a year at 800.272.3900 (TTY: 866.403.3073).
Click the “Live Chat” green button on this page to connect with a member of our Helpline staff. Live chat is typically available from 7a.m.-7p.m. (CST) Monday through Friday.
Online.Use this form to let us know how we can help you. We will respond to you within 24 hours.
Offers information on diagnosis, treatment, patient care, caregiver needs, long-term care, and research and clinical trials related to Alzheimer’s disease.
An independent, national 501 (c)(3) organization dedicated to helping federally and commercially insured people living with life-threatening, chronic and rare diseases with the out-of-pocket costs for their prescribed medications.
Is a non-profit organization that funds research into cures for Alzheimer’s disease, macular degeneration and glaucoma, and provides the public with information about risk factors, preventative lifestyles, available treatments and coping strategies.
Hotline: 1 (800) 799 – 7233 Available 24 hours a day, 7 days a week via phone and online chat.
The National Domestic Violence Hotline (The Hotline) is available for anyone experiencing domestic violence, seeking resources or information, or questioning unhealthy aspects of their relationship.
The IRS Employee Plans maintains the Abusive Transaction Hotline that people can use to share information (anonymously, if preferred) about abusive tax shelters and emerging issues that may be abusive in retirement plans.
An independent, national 501 (c)(3) organization dedicated to helping federally and commercially insured people living with life-threatening, chronic and rare diseases with the out-of-pocket costs for their prescribed medications.
We lead the fight for the arthritis community through life-changing information and resources, access to optimal care, advancements in science and community connections.
The Arthritis National Research Foundation provides arthritis research grants to scientists at major universities and research institutes across America.
Contact the Arthritis National Research Foundation office through this form or by dialing (800) 588-2873 or (562) 437-6808
National Institute of Arthritis and Musculoskeletal and Skin Diseases Information Clearinghouse
The mission of the National Institute of Arthritis and Musculoskeletal and Skin Diseases is to support research into the causes, treatment, and prevention of arthritis and musculoskeletal and skin diseases; the training of basic and clinical scientists to carry out this research; and the dissemination of information on research progress in these diseases.
HelpLine is a FREE call-back or email service available to all Canadians. Whether you have asthma and other respiratory allergies or are a caregiver, our team of expert CREs can support you.Asthma Canada
The American Autoimmune Related Diseases Association is dedicated to the eradication of autoimmune diseases and the alleviation of suffering and the socioeconomic impact of autoimmunity through fostering and facilitating collaboration in the areas of education, public awareness, research, and patient services in an effective, ethical and efficient manner.
NORD works with pharmaceutical companies to ensure that vital medications are available to those in need. They currently offer a program to assist with premiums and co-pays for PNH patients.
Patients can contact NORD’s Patient Services Representatives at 1-800-999-6673
Si deseas hablar con alguien en espanol por favor llame al (844) 259-7178 para asistencia.
An independent, national 501 (c)(3) organization dedicated to helping federally and commercially insured people living with life-threatening, chronic and rare diseases with the out-of-pocket costs for their prescribed medications.
The Child Death Helpline is a helpline for anyone affected by the death of a child of any age, from pre-birth to adult, under any circumstances, however recently or long ago.
Email: contact@childdeathhelpline.org
Freephone: 0800 282 986
Additional Freephone number for ALL mobiles: 0808 800 6019
Can guide you through the grieving process and empower you to help other families facing the same tragedy.
For Immediate Grief Support, Call 1-800-221-7437.
Counselors are available 24/7
Guiding Light – Stillbirth – Red Nose Grief and Grieving – Australia
Welcome to Red Nose Grief and Loss (formerly SIDS and Kids). With over 40 years’ experience supporting grieving individuals and families, we understand the sudden or unexpected death of a baby or young child is one of the most difficult experiences any person will face
Saying Goodbye provides comprehensive information, advice, support and much more to anyone who has suffered the loss of a baby, at any stage of pregnancy, at birth or in infancy, whether the loss be recent or historic.
Specializes in providing beautiful small baby caskets and burial products for families suffering the loss of a child through miscarriage, stillbirth, or preemie death.
Comfort Zone Camp is a nonprofit 501(c)3 bereavement organization that transforms the lives of children who have experienced the death of a parent, sibling, or primary caregiver.
Our programs are free of charge and include confidence building activities and age-based support groups that break the emotional isolation grief often bring
SIDS (Sudden Infant Death Syndrome) and SUDC (Sudden Unexplained Death of a Child)
The Lullaby Trust (formerly FSID the Foundation for the Study of Infant Death) (UK)
Lullaby funds research, supports bereaved families and promotes safe baby care advice, including helpline for bereaved parents and their families, friends, neighbours and anyone else who has experienced the sudden death of a baby.
1st Breath works with parents who are experiencing the stillbirth of their baby from the time they learn the baby has died throughout their grief journey
One very important resource is having support and guidance as you prepare for your baby’s birth. Contact Loss Doulas International to make birth planning and companioning available to families in need when their child is to be born still, miscarried, or has a condition that is incompatible with life and likely will not live long after birth.
Sands provide support for bereaved parents and their families when their baby dies, before, during or soon after birth as well as information and support for healthcare professionals.
International Society for the Study and Prevention of Perinatal and Infant Death
The International Society for the Study and Prevention of Perinatal and Infant Death (ISPID) is a not-for-profit organization that is leading the world in discovering evidence-based preventive measures for stillbirth and sudden infant death.
ISPID also works to promote improved quality, standardization of care for bereaved parents, and networking families, professionals, and scientists through resource sharing
Guiding Light – Stillbirth – Red Nose Grief and Grieving – Australia
Welcome to Red Nose Grief and Loss (formerly SIDS and Kids). With over 40 years’ experience supporting grieving individuals and families, we understand the sudden or unexpected death of a baby or young child is one of the most difficult experiences any person will face
The Ectopic Pregnancy Foundation has been established with the aim of improving the care of women with a diagnosis, or possible diagnosis, of ectopic pregnancy. We hope to reduce the morbidity and maternal mortality caused by this common condition.
ARC offers non-directive information and support to parents before, during and after antenatal screening; when they are told their baby has an anomaly; when they are making difficult decisions about continuing with or ending a pregnancy, and when they are coping with complex and painful issues after making a decision, including bereavement.
Call our national helpline and speak to a member of our trained team. Our helpline is open Monday to Friday, 10.00am-5.30pm.
Call 0845 077 2290 or 0207 713 7486 from a mobile.
Miscarriage Hotlines:
This UK-based hotline provides information and support for people affected by miscarriage, ectopic pregnancy or molar pregnancy.
They also provide a helpline: 01924 200 799.
The helpline is available Monday through Friday 9AM to 4PM UK Time (5 hours ahead of EST).
SUDC Program Hotline for helping navigate the autopsy and scene investigation: 1-800-620-SUDC.
helps to cover the myriad costs associated with transplants, such as donor searches, compatibility testing, bone marrow harvesting, medications, home and child care services, medical equipment, transportation, cord blood banking, housing, and other expenses
Open Homes Medical Stays – a partnership with Airbnb’s Open Homes Medical Stays program provides free temporary accommodations to patients diagnosed with any form of cancer or undergoing a hematopoietic stem cell transplant, as well as housing for their caregivers, family members, and donors.
Scholarship Grants offers survivors support towards an academic future so their hopes and dreams remain intact. Scholarship Grants supports students of all ages as they pursue their educational goals.
Helping clients and families how to bring together a network of relatives, friends, and neighbors in fundraising efforts to help cover the costs of uncovered medical expenses
Case Management Professional case managers at PAF work with the mission to identify and reduce the challenges that individuals like yourself are having when seeking care for their disease.
Co-Pay Relief Program patient assistance is purely donor-funded and money is dispersed to qualified patients while funds are available for each of the Diseases identified.
Largest of several US federal programs that provide assistance to people with disabilities.
(800) 772-1213
CancerCare
CancerCare® Co-Payment Assistance Foundation (CCAF) is a nonprofit organization dedicated to helping patients afford their co-payments for chemotherapy and targeted treatment drugs.
Good Days is a non-profit advocacy organization that provides resources for life-saving and life-extending treatments to people in need of access to care.
The HealthWell Foundation provides financial assistance to eligible individuals to cover coinsurance, copayments, health care premiums and deductibles for certain medications and therapies. They have a pediatric assistance fund regardless of disease.
The Julia’s Wings Foundation (JWF) is a 501(c)(3) non-profit organization with the mission of providing assistance to families of children with the life threatening hematological diseases; aplastic anemia, MDS and PNH.
NORD works with pharmaceutical companies to ensure that vital medications are available to those in need. They currently offer a program to assist with premiums and co-pays for PNH patients.
Patients can contact NORD’s Patient Services Representatives at 1-800-999-6673
Si deseas hablar con alguien en espanol por favor llame al (844) 259-7178 para asistencia.
An independent, national 501 (c)(3) organization dedicated to helping federally and commercially insured people living with life-threatening, chronic and rare diseases with the out-of-pocket costs for their prescribed medications.
Dedicated to the prevention of child abuse. Serving the U.S. and Canada, the hotline is staffed 24 hours a day, 7 days a week with professional crisis counselors who—through interpreters—provide assistance in over 170 languages. The hotline offers crisis intervention, information, and referrals to thousands of emergency, social service, and support resources. All calls are confidential.
Hotline: 1 (800) 422 – 4453
Available 24 hours a day, 7 days a week via phone and text.
A program of Boystown USA and is available to children, parents, and families who are struggling with self-harm, mental health disorders, and abuse.
Hotline: 1 (800) 448 – 3000
Text: Text VOICE to 20121 (hours vary)
Available 24 hours a day, 7 days a week via phone, email, text, and online chat.
The Childhelp National Child Abuse HotlineChildren In Immediate Risk or Danger 1-800-THE-LOSTChild Abuse National Hotline: 1-800-252-2873 (1-800-25ABUSE)
Parenting Support: 1-800-CHILDREN
First Steps (East Valley Child Crisis Center) for child abuse prevention: 1-480-969-2308.
Helpline for Children – Toll-Free in BC (no area code needed) 310.1234
Child Abuse Hotline: 1-800-342-3720
Family Violence Prevention Fund: 1-415-252-8900
Day Care Complaint Line: 1-800-732-5207
CyberTipline for reporting the exploitation of children: 1-800-843-5678
Friends of Battered Women and Their Children: 1-800-603-HELP
Kid Help – Children and adolescents in crisis: 1-800-543-7283
Children of Alcoholics:
National Association for Children of Alcoholics: 1-888-55-4COAS (1-888-554-2627)Al-Anon/Alateen Hotline: 1-800-344-2666
Suicide & Depression Hotline – Covenant House 800-999-9999
Disaster Distress:
SAMHSA Disaster Distress Helpline (USA) is a national hotline dedicated to providing immediate crisis counseling for people who are experiencing emotional distress related to any natural or human-caused disaster.
Open 24/7, 365-day-a–year
Call 1-800-985-5990 or text TalkWithUs to 66746
Provides counseling in 100 other languages via 3rd-party interpretation services
Disabilities Hotlines:
The Americans With Disabilities Act Information and Assistance Hotline: 1-800-514-0301
TTY: 1-800-514-0383
International: 1-202-541-0301
Domestic Or Intimate Partner Violence Abuse Hotlines:
Hotline: 1 (800) 799 – 7233 Available 24 hours a day, 7 days a week via phone and online chat.
The National Domestic Violence Hotline (The Hotline) is available for anyone experiencing domestic violence, seeking resources or information, or questioning unhealthy aspects of their relationship.
If you have questions, are aware of suspicious activities, or believe you have experienced commodity futures trading, commodity options trading or foreign currency trading (forex) fraud, please let the CFTC know immediately.
IRS Employee Plans maintains the Abusive Transaction Hotline that people can use to share information (anonymously, if preferred) about abusive tax shelters and emerging issues that may be abusive in retirement plans.
The LGBT National Help Center serves gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgender, and questioning people by providing free and confidential peer support and local resources.
The Trevor Project is the leading national organization providing crisis intervention and suicide prevention services to lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, queer & questioning (LGBTQ) young people under 25.
We are a group of volunteers with comprehensive sex education providing accurate, non-judgmental, confidential information about sexuality, gender, and relationships.
The Trevor Project is the leading national organization providing crisis intervention and suicide prevention services to lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, queer & questioning (LGBTQ) young people under 25.
Good Days is a non-profit advocacy organization that provides resources for life-saving and life-extending treatments to people in need of access to care.
An independent, national 501 (c)(3) organization dedicated to helping federally and commercially insured people living with life-threatening, chronic and rare diseases with the out-of-pocket costs for their prescribed medications.
GMHC AIDS Hotline: 1-800-AIDS-NYC (1-800-243-7692) TTY: 1-212-645-7470
General AIDS hotline for those worried that they may be infected, or people trying to access New York City AIDS resource: 1-212-807-6655
CDC Business and Labor Resource Service (HIV at Work): 1-877-242-9760 TTY: 1-800-243-7012
HIV Health InfoLine (by Project Inform) 1-888-HIV-INFO (1-888-448-4636)
Non-judgmental volunteer operators listen to callers, share their own stories and provide calm, clear and encouraging information about HIV disease and its care.
National Association of People With AIDS Hotline: 1-240-247-0880
To find HIV Testing Centers 1-800 CDC-INFO (1-800-232-4636).
Women Alive: 1-800-554-4876 International: 1-323-965-1564
A national hotline staffed by HIV-positive women. Geared for HIV-positive women who would like peer support or treatment information. Spanish speaking operators are available.
An independent, national 501 (c)(3) organization dedicated to helping federally and commercially insured people living with life-threatening, chronic and rare diseases with the out-of-pocket costs for their prescribed medications.
A national anti-trafficking hotline serving victims and survivors of human trafficking and the anti-trafficking community in the United States. The toll-free hotline is available to answer calls from anywhere in the country, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, every day of the year in more than 200 languages.
Hotline: 1-888-373-7888
Text: 233733
Kids Hotlines:
Phone Friend: 1-602-253-9099. Phone line for school-age home alone children.
Good Days is a non-profit advocacy organization that provides resources for life-saving and life-extending treatments to people in need of access to care.
Provides emotional support, technical advice, and information to current victims of online abuse. It has served over 5,000 victims of nonconsensual pornography (NCP), recorded sexual assault (RSA) and sextortion.
Mothers Against Drunk Driving (MADD): 1-800-223-6233.
Disabled Parents: 1-623-872-3822
Covenant House Crisis Line for youth, teen and families: 1-800-999-9999
Pediatric Health Hotlines:
HealthWell Foundation
The HealthWell Foundation provides financial assistance to eligible individuals to cover coinsurance, copayments, health care premiums and deductibles for certain medications and therapies. They have a pediatric assistance fund regardless of disease.
The Julia’s Wings Foundation (JWF) is a 501(c)(3) non-profit organization with the mission of providing assistance to families of children with the life threatening hematological diseases; aplastic anemia, MDS, and PNH.
Call: (860) 355-3653
Email info@juliaswings.org
Pet Loss Hotlines:
US Pet Loss Hotlines:C.A.R.E. Pet Loss Helpline – (877) 394-CARE (2273)
Thursday’s Child’s National Youth Advocacy Hotline at 1-800-USA KIDS
National Hotline for Missing and Exploited Children: 1-800-843-5678
National Runaway Switchboard: 1-800-621-4000
Child Find of America Hotline: 1-800-I-AM-LOST (1-800-426.5678)
CONFIDENTIAL Runaway Hotline: 1-800-231-6946
Parent Abduction Hotline: 1-800-292-9688
Self-Injury Hotlines:
National Self-Injury Hotline: 1-800-DONT CUT (1-800-366-8288)
Service Animal Hotlines:
Access to public places with a service dog and other rights under the Americans with Disabilities Act (ADA): Department of Justice at (800) 514-0301; TTY (800) 514-0383;
Housing with a Service Animal: Department of Housing and Urban Development at (202) 708-1112; TTY (202) 708-1455;
Traveling with a Service Animal: Department of Transportation at (202) 366-4000
Bringing your Service Animal to Work: Job Accommodation Network, a free service of the Office of Disability Employment Policy of the Department of Labor, at (800) 526-7234
We are a group of volunteers with comprehensive sex education providing accurate, non-judgmental, confidential information about sexuality, gender, and relationships.
The Trevor Project is the leading national organization providing crisis intervention and suicide prevention services to lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, queer & questioning (LGBTQ) young people under 25.
We are a group of volunteers with comprehensive sex education providing accurate, non-judgmental, confidential information about sexuality, gender, and relationships.
The Trevor Project is the leading national organization providing crisis intervention and suicide prevention services to lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, queer & questioning (LGBTQ) young people under 25.
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline provides free and confidential support for people in distress, prevention and crisis resources for you or your loved ones, and best practices for professionals.
Hotline: 1-800-273-8255
Available 24 hours a day, 7 days a week via phone and online chat.
Lifeline Chat is a service of the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline, connecting individuals with counselors for emotional support and other services via web chat
Chat is available 24/7 across the U.S.
National Adolescent Suicide Hotline: 1-800-621-4000Boys Town Suicide and Crisis Line: 1-800-448-3000 or 1-800-448-1833 (TDD)
The Trevor Project is the leading national organization providing crisis intervention and suicide prevention services to lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, queer & questioning (LGBTQ) young people under 25.
The Trevor Project is the leading national organization providing crisis intervention and suicide prevention services to lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, queer & questioning (LGBTQ) young people under 25.
The Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual and Transgender (LGBT) Youth Talkline provides telephone, online private one-to-one chat and email peer-support, as well as factual information and local resources for cities and towns across the United States.
For teens and young adults up to age 25
1-800-246-7743
Hotline hours are Monday thru Friday from 1pm to 9pm, pacific time
Peovides telephone peer-support, as well as factual information and local resources for our senior community. No matter where they live, LGBT seniors have a place to call when they need peer-support, information and local resources.
1-888-234-7243
Hotline hours are Monday thru Friday from 1pm to 9pm, pacific time
Saturday from 9am to 2pm, pacific time
Children’s National Medical Center Gender and Sexuality Advocacy and Education: (202) 884-2504
A Resources Abandonment Resources Resources and help for those dealing with abandonment, insecurity and self-doubt – the issues that face those who are abandoned and abandonment. ABO Incompatibility Resources ABO Incompatibility (also known as Hemolytic Disease of the...
You hear about people losing homes to fires all the time on the news, but you never hear about how the people are doing afterward.
I lost my home December 3rd, 2013, and I feel as if my whole life has been stolen from me. I’m having a hard time carrying on. This can’t be my life. I sleep maybe four or five hours a night, then I wake with the worst feeling of despair, thinking about the things we lost.
The fire took my 10 cats, that I loved dearly. Two may be missing – I go back to the property and search every evening, but have had no luck. Our home was in a rural area, and I have posters hung on poles nearby, but there are just farmers and some homes in the area, miles away from any vets or pet stores.
I’m grieving my cats, but also my home. All of my things are gone. People tell you it’s just material things, and you can get new, but I don’t want new. I was happy with my old things. I can’t get back the afghan my grandma made me, or the yearbooks that were signed by my best school friend, who died last January.
I’m stuck in a rental home until we get our land cleared and a new home. I’m surrounded by unfamiliar people, things, even different clothes. We even have a different car now because our car is what started the fire. It caught fire under the hood and spread to the garage door. I ask myself questions like, “Where did my life go?” or just “Why?” or “How are all my cats gone all at once?”
Our house looks as if it were hit with a bomb. I didn’t know the metal in your windows could melt and twist like that. Firefighters put a huge hole in our bedroom window. The things I had hanging on the wall there are gone. Even the pot of chili I had on the stove is gone. Papers my son brought home from school that I had on the fridge aren’t there now. My son’s toys and the toy box just melted all together.
I’ve had my piano since I was 7 and began taking lessons. The top has been taken off. The varnish looks like it melted. Some keys are sticking up. I’ll probably need a new one.
All the ceiling has been torn off. A lot is just hanging down. The study above the garage is just a burnt black room with no roof. It rains and snows in my study. Pages from my books burnt and laying in the yard. All my music melted.
Only one of the arms and the metal bed springs are left of the wooden daybed where the cats loved to lay. My telescope that I put together myself is gone – it was mostly plastic and wood. The whole place is beyond repair. It has to be knocked down. That brings up another whole set of emotions. Ten years of life there turned to rubble and going to be discarded in a dump.
I was having panic attacks. Self-talk is helping, but I don’t know how I’m going to get through this. I’ve never been so depressed and anxious in my life. I used to love my life. Just five days before it happened, I had a wonderful Thanksgiving with family. I felt so blessed to be surrounded by all I loved, and in abundance. It was all taken from me in 3 hours. It still feels like a strange dream. I wonder if I will ever feel happy again, if I’ll ever even smile.
The days are long. I always used to be busy, so they used to speed by, but now I plod through the day at this rental home doing a little cleaning just to get the day over with.
I’m not myself. I don’t feel like interacting with anyone. I can’t afford counseling. I try to journal and read self-help books, but I still feel so dead inside.
One thing I’ve learned from this already is who is on my side and who’s not. My relations to various people have changed. I’ve had to distance myself from some family members who were hurtful or whose words just make me feel worse. Many people don’t seem to understand just how huge this loss is. It’s loss at multiple levels, pet loss, home loss, things that were special, my daily routine is gone. It’s a huge change.
To say it’s all unreal is an understatement. I don’t know what the future holds. We’ve picked out a double wide home already and have much of the paper work done to get it. We just have to wait on the destruction of our old house. We’re having a hard time finding a local company to do that. And as much as I hate it, it has to be done. I will take my sister’s cat and am thinking about a kitten to keep it company, but in my heart right now I’m just wanting the ones I lost back. I don’t think anything would give me any happiness now but to get my two missing cats back.
For now, I’m just trying to get through each day, one day at a time. I don’t know how I’m going to pick myself up from this, but I have to move on somehow. Each day is a day further away in time, and hopefully a day closer to getting my life back together again.
And take heart, this isn’t one of those “She was in so much pain–” (she was) “– and now her suffering’s ended!” kind of stories, (even though the suffering’s ended, but more on my end) or “It was her time,” “God has a plan”, “It was meant to be,” or any of the other ridiculous platitudes that etiquette has taught us to say when someone is in pain.
By the by, all of those last few statements are damaging. They’re not even worthless, they’re Express Delivery Pain, and they wreck a person who is grieving. Better to say nothing when you don’t know what to say. Moving on.
Naomi was an artiste.
She participated in yoga, dance, performance arts, stage combat and renaissance festivals. Naomi practiced with a few religions and philosophies, loved to read and visit museums. She had a very exotic look (she was born in Russia, and her heritage is of Rom descent), and her tattoos were beautiful. I loved how delicate her skin was, and how her hair shone in the sun. She always managed to look glamorous, no matter what she was doing. Her face was the embodiment of Resting Bitch Face.
Only a few years older than me, but she had some mileage on her. As a teen addict and rape survivor, she’d managed to gain herself a steady income, decent living arrangement, clean and sober (apart from cigarettes; cloves, especially, were her vice). She was very ‘jaded’, as one might say (if one doesn’t have more depth than a teacup). Naomi was ever so much more than jaded; she was downright grisly. She was overripe with experience. Her font of knowledge was brackish water from a sewer system. Naomi had truly seen the underbelly of American Life as a runaway, and it stayed with her.
And yet we became friends. Fast friends, actually. I was only just twenty-ish when Naomi steamrolled her way into my world via social media. We talked for hours sometimes, and both of us liked to draw Tarot for the other. It became a regular thing for me to travel out to the East Coast to see her. I was the maid of honor at her wedding, and her ex-husband (they divorced shortly after, but remained friends) still keeps in contact with me. I met several of her friends, two of whom I have also now flown out to see, separately from Naomi, although we would send selfies to her.
The thing to keep in mind, though, is that over the years, Naomi never put away That Habit that some broken youths just can’t kick: the need for drama.
It makes you feel significant. You feel like you’re at the center of a play that’s only interesting if you’re speaking or being pandered to. When there’s drama, you feel important and like your life is far more tragic, amazing, complicated, full of hardship or whatever else is on the agenda for the day. Cultivating drama and seeking it out in what would otherwise be considered (by many, not just me) very normal, everyday encounters– that’s an addiction for some kids that have fucked-up backgrounds.
I should know. I am one.
Naomi was the kind of person that, if I was sound asleep in the spare bedroom, she would come into my space unannounced, and flump onto the mattress beside me and sigh. LOUDLY. I fell for it the first couple of times, but after she complained that an author friend of ours (who’d allowed us to stay at his home while we were visiting the township together) hadn’t made a move on her, even though she promised to fulfill his every wish, I’d had enough. I needed sleep. So I pretended to stay asleep. She bounced a little more, took off her shoes and said, “I just need to sleep in here tonight.” I made a quiet noise and turned over. “But I guess you’re asleep and not up for talking, huh?” Naomi said this at normal volume, full of petulance. With another anguished sigh, she picked up her boots and stomped to the couch.
One of the many things we talked about, as the best of friends, was nutrition and dietary specifications. We liked to experiment with replacing ingredients to either cut carbs, help out with digestions, etc. Herbs and supplements were never far from our mind to reach for, rather than a bottle of Aleve. We’re not hippies (hippies don’t hate the way we do), but we try to listen to our bodies and respond to small cues. We exhaust other avenues before seeking out a doctor.
She’d had a hard time kicking a bout of thrush, and had had no real success with a limited-ingredient diet. One morning, she called and said, “Uh… my skin is orange?” and I knew, immediately, that she was extremely ill. “Go to the hospital,” I breathed out, “and call me once you’re there.”
Naomi had a very rare form of neuroendocrinal cancer. It essentially starts in your brain and blooms into a tumor in a random part of the body. And the cancer was choking her pancreas. The mass was inoperable, but it responded to radiation, and we hoped to direct the radiation to shrink the mass away from this badly-needed organ just enough to allow for a surgeon to cut away the cancer. Instead, it started to shrink right where it was, and after a shunt was implanted to allow her pancreas to work, Naomi’s body threaded a new artery *through* the tumor, and several other veins as well, so the pancreas could still receive blood flow and remain intact and functional. It was almost as if her body wanted to hang onto the mass, regardless of malignancy.
Once the tumor measured at about the size of a tennis ball, they began chemotherapy. I would fly down to be with her during the week at the suites, and we would lounge with the television for hours together. I’d make her curry, she’d help me craft mocktails, it’d be a nice time. But every single time I visited, she and her husband were fighting. Once, in the middle of a dinner with another friend at the beach, she called me to say that they were getting divorced and she needed me to take my things and go to a hotel. But by the time I arrived home, they were quietly ignoring each other and behaved normally with me. Everything was apparently fine. They divorced shortly thereafter.
When it came time for the annual oncology review, the tumor was still present in the same position, but it also wasn’t getting bigger. As most of her organs were functioning perfectly fine in spite of the tumor, she was cleared to move up the coast to Brooklyn. She invited me to her parents’ house in the country, but I declined. I had just become pregnant with my daughter, and I didn’t want to travel. Naomi said she understood, but there was an edge to her voice.
Within a few months, I can tell you what the vast majority of our conversations were about:
-NYC is filthy
-her roommate is awful
-there are no pretty, single goth boys
-cancer is stupid
-practicing Santeria
-hating her bosses
-hating her job
-hating her new roommate
-hating how she has to beg for attention from a guy she’s dating x6
-hating that nobody is nice to her
-hating the new job
-hating the other roommate, but only slightly less than the newer one, and never saying a thing about it to either of them
There was a notable shift in who she was as a person, and how she interacted with me, after I became pregnant. Perhaps it was because I was no longer available and had had her linked with my Emergency Contacts so my phone would always ring if Naomi called me. At some point, I broke my phone and never set up the Always Ring contacts in the new one. This lead to many impatient messages on the morning after, increasing in resentment the longer it took me to respond.
When my darling baby was born, cheerful and healthy, Naomi asked to be called the witchy godmother, and cooed at my wobbly infant. She sent me pastries from her favorite Jewish bakery, and shipped blankets with chewy spots for the baby. One day she told me that she felt much more attached and close to me and my child than she did her own sister and nephew.
Therein lays our friendship, at its core. We admired and adored the other from a distance, and shared intimate details of our love lives and inner feelings. I had been friends with Naomi for so long, when it became more one-sided, I chalked it up to the cancer and let it go. But I realized that it was just who she was as a person. She would always be the victim, the one who has it worse, who hurts more, who feels things so deeply no one could possibly understand what she’s going through. I began to avoid her questions of, “Do you have time to talk?” and only respond later when I could be more attentive, but by then, the moment (and the drama) had passed.
Finally, when my daughter was 4 months old and I was at the peak of my exhaustion and postpartum depression, Naomi’s gall bladder turned septic and she had to have an emergency surgeon to remove it. I knew she’d been at the hospital for about a week, and her boyfriend was making updates as best he could, but if I’d ever felt the energy to start texting or talking to anyone– not just Naomi– I would always stop before the first sentence left my fingertips. I wouldn’t have time for a conversation, or the energy to listen. I was pretty broken, and my gurgly baby was delightful and adorable and easy to handle but… postpartum depression is a monster. Perhaps I was wrong to think our friendship could survive a month without contact. Maybe I should’ve just sent the one or two-sentence text messages, just to let Naomi know that I was thinking about her.
But I didn’t. And for the better part of 6 weeks, neither of us reached out to the other.
And then she messaged me one day out the blue, opening with, “I am upset and I need to tell you what I’m feeling.” So I settled into Best Friend Mode and prepared myself for an hour or two of new/old complaints with minimal commentary on my part. But I was not prepared for what happened next.
“I almost died!!” she raged, “and you couldn’t even pick up the phone! But I’m just expected to remember every stupid detail about your kid!” and that’s about when she lost me. I’d heard about other people saying crazy things when their cancer gets to late-stage terminality, but I had also become (unfortunately) too experienced with people fighting cancer and then dying. And I don’t find this to be true.
My kid had nothing to do with this fight we were about to have. I tried my best to shelve the comment and look for what was underneath: she was in pain, she had no way of expressing it beyond rage and lashing out. I tried to commit to this conversation with everything I had, and I am still grateful that my kid was napping at that precise moment in history.
I listened and took in all of her words. I filtered out some of the hate and attacking phrases, and sent back a heartfelt apology, with a promise to do better in the future and to at least keep Naomi abreast of where I was emotionally. I apologized again, and said that I would understand if she needed to stay mad at me for a while, but I just needed to say the words “I’m sorry” first.
I’m not sure how everyone else on the planet receives apologies, but for me, all I want to hear is:
-acknowledge the pain that was caused, without excuse
-empathize as to how this could have affected you, were the tables turned
-admit fault, apologize sincerely
-have a plan for what to do differently next time (and/or how you intend to make it up)
Pretty sure I’d checked off all those boxes in my reply, but apparently, that’s not how Naomi liked her mea culpas, especially without a genuflection. I had ended my letter with love, but she instantly shot back, “Spare me diplomatic bullshit.”
I bristled, but was more hurt that she thought me insincere.
“I can see you are still very angry,” I responded, “so I’ll leave you be for now.” I was trying to just give her space to be angry without being more hurtful to me, and I thought I had conveyed that it wasn’t in my intention to block her out or turn away from her. I hoped my words had been received with love on some wavelength. That’s not what happened.
“I’ll leave you be for now.”
“what else is new”
That was over a year ago, in May of 2019. A lot has happened in the last 18 months.
Last week, I discovered that Naomi had been found dead in her bedroom by her parents. The cancer had progressed, she had had another emergency surgery, and she succumbed within a month. Her fight was finally over. Our mutual friends were sharing stories and crying over the loss of such a beautiful person, and what must I be feeling, as the very best friend of olde?
Well.. I felt relieved. I felt a tremendous weight fall away from my body.
Ah, yes, yes, I’m a horrible person, I know. Luckily, I also don’t care what anybody else thinks.
Was it surprising? Yes, of course. I hadn’t been in contact with Naomi for over a year.
Was *I* personally surprised? No, not at all.
Part of being the Best Friend meant helping her plan her will, her final wishes for rites and burial, for palliative care and, in case the worst of it came to pass, her plan for suicide. I had promised to assist. More than once, she used the phrase, “I don’t want to live like this anymore,” and I would comfort her as best I could, without asking if she was ready to die. One day, she told me she was ready, because the pain had become too much. I asked her to give me a day to get my affairs in order, and I’d get on the plane to NYC. By the end of the night, she’d messaged to say not to bother coming out, that she was fine.
When I found out Naomi was dead, I felt a deep pain in my heart for the relationship that we had shared. For the actual friendship, the late night talks, snuggling with her dogs, sharing costumes and garb for holidays and vacations. We loved each other, truly. But not everything is made to last forever.
As I scrolled through the memorials and testimonies that people were contributing in her honor, I felt mildly amused, thinking, “I doubt Naomi ever told these people the things she told me.” And it hit me– I’m glad she’s dead.
No more drama.
No more unnecessary calls.
No more seeking out the worst-case scenario and *betting on it*, in every situation.
No more shrieking, no more “Okay, but just five more minutes–” stretching into an hour every time.
No more pity party the size of Houston.
No more of any of it.
As it would have fallen to me, eventually, to untangle and sort through the mess of feelings she’d stirred together and dumped on me in that final conversation, and try to make sense of our friendship going forward, it still wouldn’t have been enough. Naomi always needed grandiose gestures to make her believe that a person was being honest and truthful. And I have never been the person to do that.
It would’ve been my job to fix that mess, because that’s the way it had always been. Helping her to see another’s perspective, and not assuming the worst intention of her lovers. Reminding her to breathe before she speaks, and never say the first thing that comes to mind. These are behaviors that every grown adult must learn to master for themselves, so they can be contributing members of society.
I was 35 years old before I realized that Naomi was completely dependent on me. I had never realized that our friendship had taken that turn, but looking back, it was so obvious.
I’m so very grateful that she is no longer suffering from migraines, nausea, aching all over and weariness. I am happy that Naomi has passed. Her body was terrible to her. But the emotional hellscape in which she lived, every single day, was the real demon, not the cancer. And it was largely her own doing, because she could never back away from being the center of attention. She had to repeat everything she heard or suspected about a person. There was no irritation too small that she couldn’t launch a full-scale critical review, complete with scathing commentary. If nobody had told Naomi that she was pretty at least once a week, she would post a new selfie with a comment: “felt cute might delete later” and then praise every person who complimented her. The reason I know she did this intentionally is because she told me.
I’m glad she is dead. I am relieved that my friend has died. I am happier because she’s dead; a tremendous burden has been lifted from me.
I don’t even know what her family intends to do with Naomi’s remains, but I’m not going to call them and ask, or insist on carrying out her final wishes. That was a promise I made to a friend. The woman who called me names and vilified me at my lowest point is not my friend.
I’m not obligated to fulfill anything on her behalf. I’ll never have to unravel another one of her messes ever again. I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again: I’m glad she’s dead.
Post Script: if this kind of thing truly makes your insides twist, I am pleased that there are still people out there who have only experienced wholesome relationships that are full of goodwill and reciprocity. But since finding my voice about this and learning to say how I feel without needing to justify it, it has been made clear to me that many, many other people feel this way about now-deceased people from their pasts, and for far worse reasons than the ones I claim against Naomi. So to those people who’ve only experienced equitable relationships, I salute you. For everyone else, go ahead and say it out loud. I give you permission to say “I’m glad they’re dead,” and then reflect on any good times you may have shared, or at least share why it is that you are glad they’re gone. It has given me tremendous closure. Maybe your family or mutual friends don’t or won’t understand, but that’s okay.
You can say it to me, here, or you can write about it on your own, or you can tell it to The Band. We are here for you. But either way, go ahead and say it, see if it helps free you the way it did for me.
I said it and I meant it.
