This is my first post for Band Back Together. It’s been really interesting reading all of your stories. I feel the sense of community in these posts.
I was separated from my mother at the very early age of around three or four.
Recently, I have noticed it is affecting my relationships with a lot of people in my life, including my fiance. I’ve noticed when I am away from her, I rage and become angry. I always seem to look for connections with other people, so I am not alone. I try to either keep myself busy, or I surround myself with other people so that I don’t have to be alone.
I am currently seeking therapy for my abandonment issues.
I would really appreciate some feedback from other people who deal with similar issues.
March 23, 2016, 3:59 p.m.
I deal with this on a pretty regular basis and I haven’t really found anyway to control it. I have stopped from getting super close to people so I won’t have to worry about them leaving me. Hang in there it has to get better at some point.
March 24, 2016, 10:15 a.m.
I completely feel your pain – I have had a similar journey and sometimes feel utterly desperate when my partner is busy or stressed and doesn’t give me the reassurance of his affection that I crave. Firstly, you’re absolutely doing the right thing in going into therapy for this. Abandonment issues seem to me to be something for which therapy can be highly effective in breaking the cycle of reliving past pain. I find it helpful, sometimes, when the terror and desperation comes over me, to just repeat to myself – aloud, if possible – ‘nothing terrible is happening’. Not in a punitive, ‘pull yourself together’ kind of way, but just as a reassurance to the child part of me that is frightened, that it’s ok, and that it doesn’t need to be scared. The anger and fear isn’t coming from the current situation, but from something in the past that can’t really hurt you any more. Imagine turning on the light and seeing that the scary monsters in the corner were just shadows of everyday things. Also, don’t be ashamed of your coping strategies. If you need people, you need people, that’s ok, it’s human nature to crave connection and it’s what friends are for. As well as nurturing your friendships, build yourself some communities that are there whenever you need someone; a hobby like playing in a team or singing in a choir, regular social meetups (I have fish and chips with my mate every Friday) or even just a pub or cafe that always feels friendly and full of life. I find the gym comforting when I am feeling lonely as there are always other people there getting on with their thing while I get on with mine. This is tough stuff so don’t feel bad for feeling bad. Hang on tight when things feel dark – always remember ‘this, too, shall pass’.
March 25, 2016, 7:19 p.m.
I was adopted when I was 2 myself. Even though I don’t know fully what your circumstances are, I can probably safely say that we can relate in certain ways so that in itself shows you’re not fully alone. I know that doesn’t really fully help, at least not in the immediate sense… I understand the rage as well. For me, at the time it felt so powerful but looking back, it was terrifying… I think the best thing I can say is that we need to feel safe in the loneliness, and not try to cling or over-reach ourselves too much until we can feel completely comfortable in the solitude so that our relationships don’t suffer or else we’ll truly be alone… You’re fortunate to have a fiance so don’t drive her away. I can only assume that she’s there by your side so be grateful for that and live for the best, together. Don’t let these abandonment issues get the best of you. It’s in your power to persevere… I know this sounds lame but have you ever thought about meditation or some kind of spiritual retreat? … Anyway, I hope that helped at least a little bit. Sorry for the length.