I have been fighting writers block for the last two weeks. I closed down my first two attempts at starting my own blog and started a new one but haven’t even posted anything to it yet. I need to figure out where to start – where to begin.
And I want to post here. And I want to comment on the posts I read that make me smile or think or emote. But I don’t. Or I haven’t been anyway. I’ve been lurking… reading a lot but not posting, that is.
The truth is I don’t feel good enough or interesting enough to join in the fun.
Let me clarify: I DO NOT believe I would be, or will be, judged for posting whatever is on my mind at any time. At least not here. I trust Aunt Becky and her merry band to keep us safe from the Mole People. I’m not scared of what might be said in response to what I write.
The truth is I am absolutely terrified of opening up the can of ghosts and demons inside of me. I’ve shared a little of it with my boyfriend, who is the closest thing I have to a best friend too, but even with him I’m scared to share any more.
Honestly, the sheer quantity or ghosts and demons I need to face and fight and get through is staggering me blind most days.
Partly, I am afraid of rejection. Rejection by my wonderful boyfriend, the “friends” in my life, people on Facebook, even here. And by rejection I don’t mean mole people hating for no reason.
I mean losing people. No one caring about me. Or people only caring enough to help a little bit and when the burden gets to be too much they stop trying to help anymore. I’m afraid of alienating people or hurting someone else. Part of me is terrified to even look at this shit myself, so how can I subject anyone else to it?
But at the same time, I know I need to face these things. These ghosts and demons haunting me – some for years and years. Some things as tiny as committing a social faux pas in elementary school all the way up to things as huge as trusting the wrong person with a secret – and losing my job after she shared that secret with my bosses.
The truth is I’ve been on a downward trend for years now. I thought I hit bottom when I went into the hospital last year (psych ward). I thought I hit bottom when I was fired six weeks later and the bills for the “coinsurance” portion of my hospital stay started showing up. I thought I was recovering from those and getting some shit together again. But no. I’m unemployed again. And barely keeping my house clean enough to keep CPS at bay. And relying on my boyfriend and my brother to cook and clean the kitchen. And relying on my parents to pay my bills.
When I start to hit bottom, I start to hide. I haven’t called a single one of my friends in months – granted none of them have called me, either – but two or three did reach out on Facebook to me and I failed to follow through on calling them back too. I’m hiding hard. Even with a fully anonymous email account attached to my as-yet unwritten blog.
I need to start doing something proactive to change.
So I’m reaching out into internet-land, sharing something just to prove to myself I can.
And I’m making a pledge to myself to do three things during the hours upon hours I spend every day with my laptop on my lap each day.
1) I will post SOMETHING either here or on my blog everyday. Something that is honest.
2) I will comment on someone else’s blog (at least 1) every day, just to show some love to people.
3) I will try to share something on Facebook with the people I know IRL.
Someone once told me that we don’t grow unless we do something that scares us. I’m scared shitless right now just typing this. I haven’t even thought about hitting the submit button yet. But I’m going to click that button when I’m done typing (and probably some editing, but if I’m too scared I might skip that step) because I need to put myself out there. I need to be honest for once in my life and share what’s going on inside my brain and body and life with SOMEONE or I’m pretty sure it’s gonna kill me one day.
So here I go off into the unknown. I’m gonna face some ghosts and some demons. And I’m going to share honestly and openly. And as Aunt Becky and her Pranksters so eloquently put it “Fuck the Haters”. I’m not doing this for them or for anyone else. I’m doing it for me.
And that’s scary as hell too…
PS. Thank you Aunt Becky for your post today about your upcoming procedure. Your honesty helped me to make this decision. You’re doing something scary to get better and so am I. You’re my hero.
(ed note: I’m honored and blushy and even crying a little. I love you. Fuck the haters. Most of us have been here before, too. Being brave is hard as fuck, but it’s also strengthening. I promise. Loves you. Be brave. Scare yourself. You can do it).
You should know that I was actually feeling full of The Fear before I read this. About my surgery. About the unknown recovery. This? Made me feel so much better.
You reminded me of what I needed to hear. Thank you.
love you too Aunt Becky. I’m so happy for you that the Fear is a little better. ***HUGS***
Your pledge is awesome, and it’s doable! You can write something every day, you can make a comment, you can reach out on fb. And those things will help you feel more connected. Just add one thing: remind yourself every day that you are taking care of yourself, and that’s the most important thing
Oh girl, I understand. I so do. I’ve hit many bottoms in my lifetime and have been afraid to do what I needed to do to get better only to find that bottom wasn’t where I thought it was. But I’m also on the other side of a lot of that and I’m here to tell you that in spite of the pain and sadness and anger and fear and all the things you may have to walk through…it does get better. And I promise you, by sharing, you’ll find out that someone, somewhere gets it. Has been there, done that, come out the other side and is able to say. “Yes, me too. I felt/experience that.” Thank you so much for your courage to hit “submit”. You totally rock for that!!
uck the haters indeed! Your plan is so wonderfully positive. I hope it achieves what you set out to achieve – personal growth and recovery.
I’m pushing lightly on my husband to do something like this. His goals are
1) Get out of bed and tidy up every day
2) Leave the house every day
Small, but monumental.
Good luck!
I totally think your husband is lucky to have you. One of my old therapists told me to set two small goals every day. Just like you’re doing for your hubs.
<3 Thank you. He's managed 2 days in a row with me away and at work. I'm hopeful he'll get back in control of life and you will too!
Awww HUGS I have been where you are many many times before. Right now I too just started my blog. But I have a hard time writing in it myself. And I have many stories to share on here but am to afraid of the pain that will attack me when I do. Some I have never spoken out loud to anyone but my husband and mother. But I need to get them all out but I too am afraid. You are NOT alone!! And Fuck all haters!!
I will never hate on you I will always listen with an open heart and give hugs and love when needed.
It is scary opening up & making yourself vulnerable, but you’re right in that you cannot grow without a little pain. I am using my blog to share my pain and what knowledge I’ve gained from my experiences. It scares me sometimes to think of people reading my truths, but then I remember the person I used to be, and how reading/hearing other brave women tell their stories helped me to realize that I am worthy and deserving of happiness. I hope to do the same for others, and that keeps me going.
Thank you for this blog. It was honest. In all honesty, it may just be what a lot of people need to hear, hopefully at that exact time that they need to see it.
This is the Smiley Bread reminding you to remember; if you’re gonna eat plain bread, at least do it with a smile.
fuck the haters! the one thing you can definitely count on is that there will be people here who will NOT DESERT YOU.
I understand. And you are in a safe zone here. So let us dig deep and soothe you if we can.
You’ve talked about your ghosts and demons. I don’t know what specific ones you are referring to…but if you don’t disclose them here, you have to disclose them to a therapist. Believe me, there are some of us .. and especially professionals .. who have heard it all and will not be shocked by what you have to say nor will they judge.
To prove to you I know what I’m talking about and can help, I will share something only a handful of ppl know. I have a mood disorder. I, along with a wonderful Dr., have made my way through the darkness and emerged to the point where I feel wonderful and I can and am willing to help others through their darkness.
So. I don’t know whether you’re hinting at bp disorder, depression, rage or suicidal tendencies (or maybe hurting others) but It won’t go away by itself. Believe me, there is help out there. There are new meds being discovered all the time. So please, whatever your demons are, no matter how dark, help can be had.
There is nothing you can disclose that would shock me, I promise. Let me know how I can help you.
All the love and peace to you, Rachael
Thank you so much Rachael.
Yes, I have depression (and some anxiety too). I take meds, but only the one I get for free from the drug company. I can’t afford therapy right now and don’t have a great track record of being fully honest with therapists in the past.
There are some things I have never shared with anyone. A few things I have shared with one or two people, but no one knows everything. I want to learn how to be more honest and open.
Thank you for caring and offering to help. I’m so amazed by the outpouring of support.
I have shared so much of myself (sometimes maybe too much) with total strangers on the internet and I can’t begin to tell you how much that has helped me heal. The people who mean well will not care if you’re anonymous or not.
I’m scared every time I hit publish (even right now). Thanks for being brave enough to post this.
Welcome to a place where you are allowed to feel everything you are feeling right now. Congratulations on setting those baby steps for yourself. I am going through a very similar thing myself right now. This place has been invaluable to me. Know that here you are safe, you are loved and you are never alone.
Thank you everyone. I cried a little when I read all of this.
I love this support group!
I am so happy that you found the courage to push the send button and put it all out there! That’s proof of strength.
Along with others’ advice I’ll say: try a little walk around each day, even if it’s for only 20 minutes. It will do you good mentally, physically and you’ll absorb beneficial vitamin D from the sun.
All my best to you, Mimzy
I have the darkness, too, and have for so long that I know when it’s coming. Part of my (and your) strength is knowing that it’s time to get help. And to do the right things (take meds, see shrinks, whatever it takes) and to know that it is TEMPORARY. That is the hardest for me. To see that the horrible, life-sucking, mind numbing vat of dark will end. And that I will come through to the other side and be me again.
My best wishes for a speedy round of effective meds!
Even though I have no right, I am so very proud of you.
This was a really great start to facing your demons. If you give me the link to your blog, I guarantee I will read every single post you write. Any fellow Prankster is worthy of my support.
You can reach me at cruzowlpost at att dot net
Good for you! You know the meaning of courage isn’t NOT being afraid, it’s being scared as fuck and doing what you have to anyway. You’ve got hella courage, my fellow Prankster.
Fear and depression are HUGE! They can overtake your life in an instant. My depression wasn’t big compared to some but it was big for me and it was tough to do things other then get off the couch. You GOT this, I believe in you! I’d say good luck, but you don’t need it, you already made the first step and that one is always so hard!
Sending you lots of love to you!
*HUGS*
I feel your fear, your anxiety, your pain, your hopelessness. But you are making the right steps, setting goals is good. And if you can’t meet the goals every day, be gentle with yourself and get back on the horse.
Our inner critics are the worst. We are our own worst enemies.
I posted something (was terrified typing, terrified remembering) that is awaiting moderation. I, too, am hoping that getting it out there will help me start to move in the upward direction, however long that takes.
{{{virtual non-creepy hugs}}}
SG
The first step is ALWAYS the hardest. You can do this, and you might be surprised how cathartic the writing may be. Pretty soon there will be no more ghosts and demons.
If there is anything I can do from this remote place (Sweden…) it’s posting.
I so recognize the hiding bit. I didn’t feel worthy of help either. And I still have a hard time calling people, friends and at work alike!
But it’s still nothing to your situation, never as bad. (So why should I share 😉 -just kidding…)
You have made a huge step. Things will get better now.
Can I share a thought I got in therapy?
When everything felt horrible, it was like hanging by my fingers at the edge of a steep pit. Afraid to let go, afraid that the drop would bee too huge and hurt me so bad. And too steep to climb back up, and I was so weak.
So finally I let go.
And the fall wasn’t deep, I was almost at the bottom already, and it didn’t hurt more.
I could relax now, because I didn’t have to hang on for dear life. I could breathe, somehow, and start looking around.
And I found another way out of the pit.
It was a little longer, more steps, but it was a gentle slope, and there was even some green vegetation along the path.
And I came up to another place than the one where I fell down.
Love
Maria
Well hello there! This is a brilliant first step towards reaching out to get back up! I’m so glad you’re here, even when you’re quiet!
You said there were tiny ghosts that haunt you like a social faux pas in elementary school. I don’t know what all your ghosts are, but I’ll tell you a “tiny” one that still haunts me, because we’re sharing with each other here. When I was quite young, I picked up a tiny little toad, about the size of my thumbnail. I thought it was precious, and I wanted to show it to somebody. So I carried it a little ways and then I looked at it again, and I had killed it by holding it too hard. I still want to cry when I think about it. That still feels like murder to my heart. And I feel bad because that’s such a tiny bad thing and other people have done and suffered so much worse–and so have I–but that one…that one. I don’t know you but I love you. Let’s be haunted together, just for the company.
I could have written this. Good for you to post daily. Good luck!
Thank you for this post. You expressed many of my fears, too. Including the grade school stuff that happened more than 60 years ago.
Bravery is being afraid of something and doing it anyway.
You are brave.
I had tears reading your post. I know about demons and fear. I had a hard time opening up to my counselor at first. After almost two years, I’m honest with her. She knows my demons. I’m working on putting them behind me.
There isn’t a person here that would ever, ever, intentionally do anything to cause pain to another. That’s not what we do.
Unless AB sets us on a mission to mess with the internet, but that’s a story for another day! ( or you can google John c Mayer, read the entries. See what you find! Lol)
Anyway, you hit the submit button. You’re here. That was hard. The next part, you keep coming back. You can tell your story as you feel more secure, or you can keep it to yourself. It’s your call. But we’re here either way. Please remember, you are not alone. There is a light at the end of the tunnel you are in. It may look like it’s a long way off, and it may seem like the light doesn’t extend very far inside. It seems dark where you are right now. But if you reach out your hand, you will realize you aren’t alone. We are right there, beside you.
Sending you lots of love!
You hit the nail on the head. The hardest thing in the world is to just DO when things are difficult already, and the last thing you want is to add something more to your plate or reach out when your hand could get slapped. For the record, though? I’m proud of you. You did it. Keep doing it. You’ve got this.