by Band Back Together | Aug 10, 2018
What is Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder?
As most of us are aware, mass shootings and violent acts of intolerance have increased in the last few years. While politicians and pundits try, mostly ineffectually, to explain these events, we are left reeling from the rapidity of one horrific nationwide trauma to the next. But we can address how our natural curiosity for more information; the whos, whats, whys and wheres of each incident, is quickly capitalized on by the media as their videos are placed in an endless loop on every news source. They continue with their mantra, “If it bleeds, it leads.” That means violence is attention getting and showing it up close and often gets more viewers which get higher ratings which get more advertiser dollars on those media channels. While a heightened awareness of the violence that plagues our country is important, it can also leave us feeling anxious and depressed.
Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (often abbreviated as PTSD) is a severe anxiety disorder that may develop as a result of exposure to a terribly frightening, life-threatening, or otherwise highly unsafe experience (such as a trauma). Post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) can have a tremendous impact on a person’s life, and therefore, coping with PTSD in healthy ways is important. The distressing symptoms of PTSD can negatively affect close relationships, mood, and ability to be effective at work or school. The symptoms of PTSD are difficult to cope with, and they often lead people to use more unhealthy ways of coping, such as alcohol or drug use. However, there are a number of ways to develop healthy coping skills.
The event precipitating PTSD may involve the threat of death to oneself or someone else. PTSD may develop after a sexual or physical assault, unexpected death of a loved one, an accident, war, or a natural disaster. Post-traumatic stress disorder is a lasting consequence of such stressful ordeals.
When trauma survivors take direct action to cope with their stress reactions, they put themselves in a position of power. Active coping with the trauma makes you begin to feel less helpless.
- Active coping means accepting the impact of trauma on your life and taking direct action to improve things.
- Active coping occurs even when there is no crisis. Active coping is a way of responding to everyday life. It is a habit that must be made stronger.
Know that recovery is a process, not an event
Following exposure to a trauma most people experience stress reactions. Understand that recovering from the trauma is a process and takes time. Knowing this will help you feel more in control.
- Having an ongoing response to the trauma is normal.
- Recovery is an ongoing, daily process. It happens little by little. It is not a matter of being cured all of a sudden.
- Healing doesn’t mean forgetting traumatic events. It doesn’t mean you will have no pain or bad feelings when thinking about them.
- Healing may mean fewer symptoms and symptoms that bother you less.
- Healing means more confidence that you will be able to cope with your memories and symptoms. You will be better able to manage your feelings
Many people who have experienced such traumatic events will have reactions that include anger, shock, fear, guilt, and anxiety. These reactions are common and dissipate over time.
However, for those living with PTSD, these feelings increase and often become so strong that they prevent the person from living a normal life.
How To Cope With Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder:
If you’ve been diagnosed with post-traumatic stress disorder, you may feel ashamed, guilty, you may face survivors guilt and feel stupid that you can’t simply “get over it” like everyone expects you to. Here are some ways of coping with PTSD.
Positive coping actions
Certain actions can help to reduce your distressing symptoms and make things better. Plus, these actions can result in changes that last into the future. Here are some positive coping methods:
Learn about trauma and PTSD
For more about PTSD, please visit here.
It is useful for trauma survivors to learn more about common reactions to trauma and about PTSD. Find out what is normal. Find out what the signs are that you may need assistance from others. When you learn that the symptoms of PTSD are common, you realize that you are not alone, weak, or crazy. It helps to know your problems are shared by hundreds of thousands of others. When you seek treatment and begin to understand your response to trauma, you will be better able to cope with the symptoms of PTSD.
Talk to others for support
When survivors talk about their problems with others, something helpful often results. It is important not to isolate yourself. Instead make efforts to be with others. Of course, you must choose your support people with care. You must also ask them clearly for what you need. With support from others, you may feel less alone and more understood. You may also get concrete help with a problem you have.
Practice relaxation methods
Try some different ways to relax, including:
- Muscle relaxation exercises
- Breathing exercises
- Meditation
- Swimming, stretching, yoga
- Prayer
- Listening to quiet music
- Spending time in nature
While relaxation techniques can be helpful, in a few people they can sometimes increase distress at first. This can happen when you focus attention on disturbing physical sensations and you reduce contact with the outside world. Most often, continuing with relaxation in small amounts that you can handle will help reduce negative reactions. You may want to try mixing relaxation in with music, walking, or other activities.
Distract yourself with positive activities
Pleasant recreational or work activities help distract a person from his or her memories and reactions. For example, art has been a way for many trauma survivors to express their feelings in a positive, creative way. Pleasant activities can improve your mood, limit the harm caused by PTSD, and help you rebuild your life.
Talking to your doctor or a counselor about trauma and PTSD
Part of taking care of yourself means using the helping resources around you. If efforts at coping don’t seem to work, you may become fearful or depressed. If your PTSD symptoms don’t begin to go away or get worse over time, it is important to reach out and call a counselor who can help turn things around. Your family doctor can also refer you to a specialist who can treat PTSD. Talk to your doctor about your trauma and your PTSD symptoms. That way, he or she can take care of your health better.
Many with PTSD have found treatment with medicines to be helpful for some symptoms. By taking medicines, some survivors of trauma are able to improve their sleep, anxiety, irritability, and anger. It can also reduce urges to drink or use drugs.
Understand that the body has a memory for stress – so the worry and panic or anxiety may be a natural reaction that we’re programmed for. The body remembers and acts – reprogramming can take many years.
Remind yourself as often as you need that you don’t have to be a veteran or the victim of a sexual assault to experience PTSD.
Don’t compare your story to another’s. There are no better or worse reasons for developing PTSD – and if someone tries to play a game of the “Pain Olympics,” you don’t need them in your life.
You’re not weak for developing PTSD – it’s a normal reaction to an abnormal and messed-up situation.
Many people who have PTSD also struggle with survivor’s guilt.
Don’t hesitate to tell people what you need from them. Many times, people will become confused by PTSD; unsure of how to behave and act around you. So tell them – if you need help around the house or with errands, ask for help.
Coping With Specific PTSD Symptoms:
PTSD has very specific and very debilitating symptoms. Here are some ways to cope with these symptoms:
Intrusive memories, thoughts or images:
- Remind yourself that they’re just memories.
- Remember that while these can be overwhelming, the reminders often dissipate over time.
- Remind yourself that it’s normal to have memories of the traumatic event.
- Talk about these things with someone that you trust.
PTSD often leaves us with our hearts pounding, feeling light-headed or spacey (often caused by quick breathing.) If this is something that happens, remember:
- These reactions aren’t dangerous – you wouldn’t notice if you had them while exercising.
- These feelings may come with scary thoughts, which is what may make them so upsetting. These scary thoughts are not true.
- Try to slow down your breathing.
- These awful sensations will pass.
Difficulty concentrating or focusing:
- Slow down – give yourself time to focus upon what it is you need to do.
- Make “to-do” lists every day.
- Break big tasks into smaller doable chunks.
- Plan a realistic amount of tasks to do in a day.
- You may be suffering depression – if so, talk to your doctor about your symptoms.
Trouble feeling or expressing positive emotions:
- Remind yourself that this is a common reaction to trauma, not something you’re doing on purpose.
- Don’t feel guilty for something you can’t control.
- Continue engaging in activities you like or used to like. Even if you don’t think you’ll enjoy it now, once you get into it, you may find yourself feeling pleasurable feelings.
- Take really small steps to tell your loved ones you care – write a card, leave a gift, send an email, call them to say hi.
Flashbacks:
- Keep your eyes open – look around and see, really see where you are.
- Talk to yourself. Remind yourself that you’re here, that you’re safe. The trauma is long-since over and you are in the present.
- Get up and move around. Take a drink of water or wash your hands. Interrupt the flashbacks with movements.
- Call someone you trust and tell them that you’re experiencing a flashback.
Irritability, anger, and rage:
- Before reacting, take a time out to cool off and think.
- Walk away from the situation.
- Exercise every day – exercise reduces tension and relieves stress.
- Talk to your doctor about your anger.
- Take anger management classes.
- If you blow up at family or friends, find time to talk to them and explain what happened and what you are doing to cope with it.
Nightmares about the trauma:
- If you wake from a nightmare in a panic, remind yourself you’re reacting to a dream. The DREAM is responsible for the panic, not any current danger.
- Get out of bed, regroup, and orient yourself to the present.
- Try a pleasant and calming activity like taking a bath or listening to soothing music.
- If someone is awake, talk to them.
- Tell your doctor that you’re having nightmares.
Difficulty falling – or staying – asleep:
- Keep a regular bedtime schedule and routine.
- Avoid heavy exercise for a few hours before bed.
- Use your bed only for sex and sleeping.
- Don’t use alcohol, tobacco, and caffeine – these hurt your ability to sleep.
- Don’t lie there in bed thinking or worrying. If you can’t sleep, get up and do something quiet like drinking herbal tea, or warm milk. Read a book or do something else quietly.
Recovering from PTSD is a gradual, ongoing process that can take many months or years. The memories of the trauma will never disappear completely, although in time they will become manageable. Here are some ways to cope with residual complications from PTSD.
Remember that recovery is a process, not an event, that happens gradually. Having an ongoing response to stress is normal. Healing doesn’t mean forgetting the event or removing all pain while thinking about the event – healing means learning to cope with the symptoms.
Learning about trauma and PTSD in response to a traumatic event as well as some common signs and symptoms may help you to realize you’re not alone, weak or crazy. It helps to know your problem is something shared by many, many others.
Find a “support partner,” or a “spotter;” a person to willingly and lovingly learn about your PTSD and will support you in whatever way you need.
Sometimes, relaxation techniques can be helpful for people with PTSD. These activities include: muscle relaxation exercises, breathing exercises, meditation, prayer, spending time in nature, yoga, listening to quiet music. In others, however, these may increase distress at first. If that happens, simply try relaxation techniques for smaller periods of time, or mix them with other activities like listening to music or walking.
The urge to pull back and isolate is very strong for many who have PTSD. It’s easy to feel disconnected to everyone around you, withdrawing from loved ones and social activities. It’s very important to have support from others while you recover, so resist the urge to isolate.
Find a support group for people who have experienced similar types of trauma. Being around people who understand what you are going through is priceless when it comes to recovery. It can remind you that you are not alone and provide you with invaluable information and tools for making a recovery from PTSD. If there are no local support groups, try online.
Don’t self-medicate – While you’re struggling with traumatic memories and painful emotions, the urge to use alcohol and drugs to numb your emotions can be overwhelming. It’s a temporary fix. And unfortunately, these substances worsen PTSD in the long run, because they worsen symptoms like emotional numbing, social isolation, anger and depression. If you are self-medicating with drugs or alcohol, it is best to enter a rehab facility to help you deal with your drug or alcohol addiction.
Overcome helplessness – trauma leaves you feeling vulnerable and powerless. It’s easy to forget that you do, in fact, have both coping skills and strengths.
One of the best ways to overcome these feelings is to help other people. Donate time, money, help friends, or take other positive action. Taking positive action directly refutes the feelings of helplessness common in PTSD. We’d love to have you volunteer with us – email becky.harks@gmail.com
How To Help A Loved One Cope With Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder:
Of all of the mental illnesses in the world, post-traumatic stress disorder may be the most confusing one to understand – especially if you were witness to the same trauma as your loved one. Supporting your loved one who has PTSD is vital for their recovery.
Here are some tips for helping a loved one cope with PTSD.
Be patient and understanding – Recovery from PTSD takes time – even if a person is actively trying to get better. Be patient with the pace (slow as it may be) and offer a kind ear. Someone with PTSD may need to talk about their trauma over and over – this is part of the healing, and while it can be frustrating to hear, don’t tell your loved one to “move on,” or “stop talking about it.”
Try to prepare for PTSD triggers – many people who have PTSD will have triggers around the anniversary of the trauma, certain sights, sounds, or smells. If you’re aware of what these triggers are, you can offer support and help to calm your loved one.
Be there – sometimes the biggest help for someone who is suffering from PTSD is to have a partner, friend, or other loved one simply be there for them. Do simple favors. Offer unconditional love. Don’t push. Simply be there for them.
Help yourself – if handling the flashbacks, the anxiety, the numbing, and the other PTSD symptoms are too stressful for you, seek help for yourself. No one ever said you had to go through this alone. Seeing a therapist or attending a support group yourself can ease the burden tremendously.
Offer to help your loved one. Suggest bringing over some meals, or asking if they’d like a hand with some things around the house. Some people with PTSD don’t feel as though they can ask for help.
What To Say To Someone With Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder:
“I’m here for you.”
“How can I help?”
“How does PTSD affect you?”
“Can I go to your support group to learn more about PTSD?”
“Let’s do something together – can I come over?”
“You’re not alone and you’re not crazy.”
“You’re not wrong for your feelings.”
How NOT To Help A Loved One With Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder:
Sometimes, even the most well-intentioned of us say or do the wrong thing. Here are some ways NOT to help a loved one with post-traumatic stress disorder:
PTSD is Not “In Their Head” – being the partner of someone with an invisible illness can be very stressful. You may wonder why they don’t just “get over it.” The thing is – PTSD is a real illness, and your loved one may already feel as though they’re going crazy. Don’t add to it by making your partner feel badly for having these emotions or guilt them for “not getting over it.” It’s not as simple as that.
Don’t pressure – Sometimes, it can be very hard for someone with PTSD to talk about their trauma. For some people, it may make the situation worse. So never, ever force someone into discussing their trauma. Simply let them know that you are there if they’d like to talk.
Don’t take it personally – Some of the more common PTSD symptoms can hurt your feelings. These may include anger, withdrawal, and social isolation. If your loved one seems distant or irritable, remember this probably has nothing to do with you.
Don’t imply that your loved one is being weak or silly for his or her PTSD. It’s embarrassing and shameful enough to admit that you have PTSD – implying that your loved one is weak only intensifies the shame.
Don’t imply that only soldiers have PTSD. Post-traumatic stress disorder can affect anyone, period.
An experience doesn’t have to match your definition of “extreme enough” for it to be PTSD. Don’t downplay the experience to your loved one – it’s unfair and inappropriate.
Don’t become frustrated when your loved one isn’t “over it yet.” It’s not as though someone with PTSD doesn’t want to be better – it’s just not as simple as switching a light on or off.
What NOT To Say To Someone With Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder:
“You’re overreacting.”
“Stop being so dramatic.”
“You’re being weak.”
“Relax and forget about it.”
“It’s just for soldiers – you don’t have PTSD.”
“You’ve been through so much already, how can this possibly have given you PTSD?”
“Aren’t you over it yet?”
“Yeah, well, when So and So’s kid got (insert traumatic event), he/she didn’t get PTSD.”
Have any more tips for coping with PTSD? Email becky.harks@gmail.com
by Band Back Together | Aug 10, 2018 | Abuse, Coping With Domestic Abuse, Domestic Abuse, Helping Someone In An Abusive Relationship, Psychological Manipulation |
Why do I answer the phone?
I know it is going to hurt. I know he is going to put me down. And yet, I cannot stop myself.
I never thought I would be one of THOSE GIRLS. The girl who keeps putting herself in harm’s way over and over again. It’s like stepping in front of a bus, every day, for the rest of your life. I mean, who does that? But it is like I am COMPELLED to do it.
I start each day by telling myself that this will be the day that I have no contact with him. And then he calls or texts or emails or messages until I just can’t stand it any longer and I finally respond. He is all nice and sweet to me, saying how everything is fine, it’s all good. That if only I would be nicer to him, if only I would not USE him all the time or disrespect him so much, then everything could be great. He tells me how abusive it is of me to hang up on him and how unfair it is that I don’t want any contact with him.
Why don’t I want contact with him? This is what I hear: “You must be screwing someone else. Is that it? You’re whoring around town like the fat fucking whore that you are? Right, you fat fucking bitch? You ungrateful, greedy, selfish, fat, fucking whoring bitch. All you care about is money, yourself and dick!“ (I would never have cheated on him. Ever.)
This is where I hang up. I usually try to hang up sooner, but it always gets thrown in, sooner or later. I refuse to take his calls.
Then the threats start. “I am going to ruin you, bitch. I will hit you where it hurts the most and you will have nothing left. Everyone knows you used me. Everyone knows you OWE me! They all hate you. Everyone hates you. They tell me I should get rid of you, but I keep telling them that I love you and I know there is a good person in there somewhere. Why do you have to be such a fucking fat whore bitch? You weren’t this fat when I met you…what the fuck happened? Suck too much cock?”
Over and over and over again. How much can one person take? How many times can a person be told how horrible she is before she believes it? AND IT MAKES SENSE TO ME when he says it! THAT is the sick part! I DO freaking believe him!
Then he goes just long enough to make me think that maybe THIS time it will be okay. He has been nicer, not cussing me out as much, telling me how much he loves me and that he can’t live without me. Maybe he IS the only one who will ever want me. Do I want to throw this all away just because he has a dirty mouth? What if he is RIGHT? What if it IS all my fault? God knows I am not easy to get along with. Ask my Mom, ask anyone! I have issues. So what if it IS me? It probably is me.
But do I deserve to be kicked out of the car on the side of the road or in the woods, because I asked politely that he refrain from smoking so much in my presence?
Do I deserve to be woken up from a sound sleep with him screaming in my face because I “disrespected” him somehow while I was sleeping?
Do I deserve to be ridiculed in public to the point of all out bawling and then be told to shut the fuck up or I will get the shit beat out of me?
No, I did not think so either.
I found the courage to sever the ties. I left. And just when I found my own footing again, when I knew that I could stay away from him, he started coming at me sideways. He started emailing my family and friends. Telling them embarrassing things that I told him in confidence – my deepest, darkest secrets. The things that you are supposed to be able to share with your husband in the dark when you need comfort. Things you never wanted anyone to know you lived through or that you made a bad decision about. And then it is all laid out for everyone to see. He says he will continue unless I open those lines of communication back up. Let him back into my life. Then it will stop. It is such a vicious cycle.
Oh god. Most days I just stare straight ahead and wonder how the fuck am I supposed to get through this. I have burned so many bridges just trying to scramble to the surface and I am so tired of fighting. I know there is a problem but I don’t know how to deal with it. He promises that he will ruin me. Financially, emotionally, my reputation and so on. And I can’t stop him.
But I want to. I want to know the answer. I crave it. But just saying “stay away” – that is not the answer. It only gets worse. So what is the answer?
You tell me.
I GOT out. I AM staying away. So how does it stop? When will the abuse stop?
(author’s note: I have been separated from my husband for 6 months now. My divorce was final on October 4th. I finally have my life back. I wrote this when I was newly separated and could never show it to anyone. No one knew the entire extent of what I was going through, but I am learning to open up and get it out and am getting past it. Thank you for letting me share.)
by Band Back Together | Aug 8, 2018
If you are being abused, call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1−800−799−SAFE (7233) or TTY 1−800−787−3224 or your local emergency services
What Is Domestic Abuse?
Domestic violence (also called intimate partner violence (IPV), domestic abuse or relationship abuse) is a pattern of behaviors used by one partner to maintain power and control over another partner in an intimate relationship.
Domestic violence does not discriminate. Anyone of any race, age, sexual orientation, religion or gender can be a victim – or perpetrator – of domestic violence. It can happen to people who are married, living together, or who are dating. It affects people of all socioeconomic backgrounds and education levels.
Domestic violence includes behaviors that physically harm, arouse fear, prevent a partner from doing what they wish or force them to behave in ways they do not want. It includes the use of physical and sexual violence, threats and intimidation, emotional abuse and economic deprivation. Many of these different forms of domestic violence/abuse can be occurring at any one time within the same intimate relationship.
Domestic abuse takes many forms.
Read more about physical domestic abuse.
Read more about sexual abuse/intimate partner rape
Read more about emotional abuse.
Read more about economic abuse.
Read more about reproductive abuse.
There are no “better” or “worse” cases of domestic abuse and domestic violence. If you are victim of domestic abuse, it’s not okay. You may feel terrified; unsure of how to get help or how to get out of the situation.
Know this: there is help available.
What is the Cycle of Domestic Abuse?
First, understand the Cycle of Domestic Abuse:
Abuse: The abuser lashes out in a power play designed to show the victim who the boss is.
Guilt: The abuser feels guilt, not for what he’s done, but over being caught for his abusive behavior.
Excuses: The abuser rationalizes what he or she has done. The abuser may rationalize what he/she has done by making up excuses or blaming the victim. Anything but take responsibility for his/her actions.
“Normal” Behavior: Abuser tries to regain control of victim to keep victim in relationship. May act like nothing has happened. May turn on the charm. This may make the victim think that the abuser has really changed.
Fantasy/Planning: Abuser fantasizes about next abuse. Spends much time deciding what to punish victim for and how he’ll/she’ll make victim pay. Then he/she makes a plan to turn the abuse into a reality.
Set-up: Abuser sets victim up, puts plan into motion to create a situation to justify abuse.
What Are The Types of Abuse An Abuser May Inflict Upon Me?
It can be terrifically hard to determine the line between normal relationship disagreements and fight and what is abuse. It’s important to open your mind to see if your partner does any of the following:
Physical Abuse: You may be experiencing physical abuse if your partner has done or repeatedly does any of the following tactics of abuse:
- Pulling your hair, punching, slapping, kicking, biting or choking you
- Forbidding you from eating or sleeping
- Hurting you with weapons
- Preventing you from calling the police or seeking medical attention
- Harming your children
- Abandoning you in unfamiliar places
- Driving recklessly or dangerously when you are in the car with them
- Forcing you to use drugs or alcohol (especially if you’ve had a substance abuse problem in the past)
Emotional/Verbal Abuse: You may be in an emotionally/verbally abusive relationship if you partner exerts control through:
- Calling you names, insulting you, or continually criticizing you
- Refusing to trust you and acting jealous or possessive
- Trying to isolate you from family or friends
- Monitoring where you go, who you call, and who you spend time with
- Demanding to know where you are every minute
- Trapping you in your home or preventing you from leaving
- Using weapons to threaten to hurt you
- Punishing you by withholding affection
- Threatening to hurt you, the children, your family,or your pets
- Damaging your property when they’re angry (throwing objects, punching walls, kicking doors.)
- Humiliating you in any way
- Blaming you for the abuse
- Gaslighting
- Accusing you of cheating and being often jealous of your outside relationships
- Serially cheating on you and then blaming you for his or her behavior
- Cheating on you intentionally to hurt you and then threatening to cheat again
- Cheating to prove that they are more desired, worthy, etc. than you are
- Attempting to control your appearance: what you wear, how much/little makeup you wear, etc.
- Telling you that you will never find anyone better, or that you are lucky to be with a person like them
Sexually abusive methods of retaining power and control include an abusive partner:
- Forcing you to dress in a sexual way
- Insulting you in sexual ways or calls you sexual names
- Forcing or manipulating you into to having sex or performing sexual acts
- Holding you down during sex
- Demanding sex when you’re sick, tired ,or after hurting you
- Hurting you with weapons or objects during sex
- Involving other people in sexual activities with you against your will
- Ignoring your feelings regarding sex
- Forcing you to watch pornography
- Purposefully trying to pass on a sexually transmitted disease to you
Sexual coercion: Sexual coercion lies on the ‘continuum’ of sexually aggressive behavior. It can vary from being egged on and persuaded, to being forced to have contact. It can be verbal and emotional, in the form of statements that make you feel pressure, guilt, or shame. You can also be made to feel forced through more subtle actions. For example, an abusive partner:
- Making you feel like you owe them — Because you’re in a relationship, because you’ve had sex before, because they spent money on you or bought you a gift
- Giving you drugs and alcohol to “loosen up” your inhibitions
- Playing on the fact that you’re in a relationship, saying things such as: “Sex is the way to prove your love for me,” “If I don’t get sex from you I’ll get it somewhere else”
- Reacting negatively with sadness, anger, or resentment if you say no or don’t immediately agree to something
- Continuing to pressure you after you say no
- Making you feel threatened or afraid of what might happen if you say no
- Trying to normalize their sexual expectations: ex. “I need it, I’m a man”
Even if your partner isn’t forcing you to do sexual acts against your will, being made to feel obligated is coercion in itself. Dating someone, being in a relationship, or being married never means that you owe your partner intimacy of any kind.
Reproductive coercion is a form of power and control where one partner strips the other of the ability to control their own reproductive system. It is sometimes difficult to identify this coercion because other forms of abuse are often occurring simultaneously.
Reproductive coercion can be exerted in many ways:
- Refusing to use a condom or other type of birth control
- Breaking or removing a condom during intercourse
- Lying about their methods of birth control (ex. lying about having a vasectomy, lying about being on the pill)
- Refusing to “pull out” if that is the agreed upon method of birth control
- Forcing you to not use any birth control (ex. the pill, condom, shot, ring, etc.)
- Removing birth control methods (ex. rings, IUDs, contraceptive patches)
- Sabotaging birth control methods (ex. poking holes in condoms, tampering with pills or flushing them down the toilet)
- Withholding finances needed to purchase birth control
- Monitoring your menstrual cycles
- Forcing pregnancy and not supporting your decision about when or if you want to have a child
- Forcing you to get an abortion, or preventing you from getting one
- Threatening you or acting violent if you don’t comply with their wishes to either end or continue a pregnancy
- Continually keeping you pregnant (getting you pregnant again shortly after you give birth)
Reproductive coercion can also come in the form of pressure, guilt and shame from an abusive partner. Some examples are if your abusive partner is constantly talking about having children or making you feel guilty for not having or wanting children with them — especially if you already have kids with someone else.
Economic or financial abuse is when an abusive partner extends their power and control into the area of finances. This abuse can take different forms, including an abusive partner:
- Giving an allowance and closely watching how you spend it or demanding receipts for purchases
- Placing your paycheck in their bank account and denying you access to it
- Preventing you from viewing or having access to bank accounts
- Forbidding you to work or limiting the hours that you can work
- Maxing out credit cards in your name without permission or not paying the bills on credit cards, which could ruin your credit score
- Stealing money from you or your family and friends
- Using funds from children’s savings accounts without your permission
- Living in your home but refusing to work or contribute to the household
- Making you give them your tax returns or confiscating joint tax returns
- Refusing to give you money to pay for necessities/shared expenses like food, clothing, transportation, or medical care and medicine
Digital abuse is the use of technologies such as texting and social networking to bully, harass, stalk or intimidate a partner. Often this behavior is a form of verbal or emotional abuse perpetrated online. You may be experiencing digital abuse if your partner:
- Tells you who you can or can’t be friends with on Facebook and other social media sites.
- Sends you negative, insulting or even threatening emails, Facebook messages, tweets, DMs, or other messages online.
- Uses sites like Facebook, Twitter, foursquare and others to keep constant tabs on you.
- Puts you down in their status updates.
- Sends you unwanted, explicit pictures and demands you send some in return.
- Pressures you to send explicit videos.
- Steals or insists on being given your passwords.
- Constantly texts you and makes you feel like you can’t be separated from your phone for fear that you will be punished.
- Looks through your phone frequently, checks up on your pictures, texts and outgoing calls.
- Tags you unkindly in pictures on Instagram, Tumblr, Facebook
- Uses any kind of technology (such spyware or GPS in a car or on a phone) to monitor you
You never deserve to be mistreated, online or off. Remember:
- Your partner should respect your relationship boundaries.
- It is okay to turn off your phone. You have the right to be alone and spend time with friends and family without your partner getting angry.
- You do not have to text any pictures or statements that you are uncomfortable sending, especially nude or partially nude photos, known as “sexting.”
- You lose control of any electronic message once your partner receives it. They may forward it, so don’t send anything you fear could be seen by others.
- You do not have to share your passwords with anyone.
- Know your privacy settings. Social networks such as Facebook allow the user to control how their information is shared and who has access to it. These are often customizable and are found in the privacy section of the site. Remember, registering for some applications (apps) require you to change your privacy settings.
- Be mindful when using check-ins like Facebook Places and foursquare. Letting an abusive partner know where you are could be dangerous. Also, always ask your friends if it’s ok for you to check them in. You never know if they are trying to keep their location secret.
- You have the right to feel comfortable and safe in your relationship, even online.
Help! I Think I’m In An Abusive Relationship:
If you are in an abusive relationship, you may want to downplay the abuse, telling yourself “it’s not so bad,” or “so many other people have it so much worse.” But that’s irrelevant – if you’re being abused even a “little,” it’s too much. Why? Domestic violence often escalates from threats to verbal abuse to physical abuse. And NO ONE deserves to be abused.
Here are some tips for handling domestic abuse.
First, are you being abused? It’s REALLY hard to know what’s abuse and what’s not. Recognizing abuse as abuse is the first step to getting help.
Here are some questions to ask yourself:
Does your partner:
Embarrass you or put you down?
Act in a way that scares you?
Isolate you from your friends and family?
Take your money or refuse to give you money when you ask?
Make all of the decisions for you?
Tell you you’re a crappy parent and threaten to take away your kids?
Prevent you from going to work or school?
Act like hurting you is no big deal?
Stop you from seeing you friends or family?
Intimidate you with guns or knives?
Shove you, hit you or slap you around?
Threaten suicide?
Threaten to kill you or someone you love?
Use your pets and/or farm animals to control, punish, manipulate or exact revenge on you?
If the answer to even ONE question is “yes,” you may be in an abusive relationship.
Call the National Domestic Violence hotline: 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) or TTY: 1-800-787-3224.
What Are The Signs That Someone I Love Is Being Abused?
According to the National Domestic Violence Hotline, some warning signs include the following:
- Their partner insults them in front of other people.
- They are constantly worried about making their partner angry.
- They make excuses for their partner’s behavior.
- Their partner is extremely jealous or possessive.
- They have unexplained marks or injuries.
- They’ve stopped spending time with friends and family.
- They are depressed or anxious, or you notice changes in their personality.
If you think your friend or family member is being abused, be supportive by listening to them and asking questions about how they’re doing. The person being abused may not be ready or able to leave the relationship right now.
Help! I Think Someone I Love Is Being Abused!
Sometimes it can be hard to ascertain whether or not a person is being abused by his or her partner. Knowing or thinking that someone you care about is in a violent relationship can be very hard. You may fear for her safety — and maybe for good reason. You may want to rescue her or insist she leave, but every adult must make his or her own decisions.
Each situation is different, and the people involved are all different too.
Here are some ways to help a loved one who is being abused:
- Set up a time to talk. Try to make sure you have privacy and won’t be distracted or interrupted. Visit your loved one in person if possible.
- Let her know you’re concerned about his or her safety. Be honest. Tell her about times when you were worried about her. Help her see that abuse is wrong. She may not respond right away, or she may even get defensive or deny the abuse. Let her know you want to help and will be there to support her in whatever decision she makes.
- Be supportive. Listen to your loved one. Keep in mind that it may be very hard for her to talk about the abuse. Tell her that she is not alone and that people want to help. If she wants help, ask her what you can do.
- Offer specific help. You might say you are willing to just listen, to help her with child care, or to provide transportation, for example.
- Don’t place shame, blame, or guilt on her. Don’t say, “You just need to leave.” Instead, say something like, “I get scared thinking about what might happen to you.” Tell her you understand that her situation is very difficult.
- Help her make a safety plan. Safety planning might include packing important items and helping her find a “safe” word. This is a code word she can use to let you know she is in danger without an abuser knowing. It might also include agreeing on a place to meet her if she has to leave in a hurry.
- Encourage her to talk to someone who can help. Offer to help her find a local domestic violence agency. Offer to go with her to the agency, the police, or court. The National Domestic Violence Hotline (link is external), 800-799-SAFE (7233); the National Sexual Assault Hotline (link is external), 800-656-HOPE (4673); and the National Teen Dating Abuse Helpline (link is external), 866-331-9474, are all available 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. They can offer advice based on experience and can help find local support and services.
- If she decides to stay, continue to be supportive. She may decide to stay in the relationship, or she may leave and then go back many times. It may be hard to understand, but people stay in abusive relationships for many reasons. Be supportive, no matter what she decides to do.
- Encourage her to do things outside of the relationship. It’s important for her to see friends and family.
- If she decides to leave, continue to offer help. Even though the relationship was abusive, she may feel sad and lonely once it is over. She may also need help getting services from agencies or community groups.
- Let her know that you will always be there no matter what. It can be very frustrating to see a friend or loved one stay in an abusive relationship. But if you end your relationship, she has one less safe place to go in the future. You cannot force a person to leave a relationship, but you can let them know you’ll help, whatever they decide to do.
How Do I Report Domestic Abuse or Violence?
If you see or hear domestic violence or child abuse in your neighborhood or in a public place, call 911. Don’t worry about whether the couple or person will be angry with you for calling. It could be a matter of life and death, and it’s better to be safe than sorry. You don’t have to give your name if you are afraid for your own safety.
If you want to report abuse but there is no immediate danger, ask local police or child/adult protective services to make a welfare check. This surprise check-in by local authorities may help the person being abused.
Domestic Violence and Safety Planning:
Safety planning is critical for someone involved in an abusive relationship. You can start planning while you’re still in a relationship with your abuser or after the relationship is over. If you’re in a domestically abusive relationship, your safety is VERY important.
Here are some tips for safety plans in an abusive relationship. Following these suggestions does NOT mean you’ll be 100% safe, but it can absolutely help.
Personal Safety With An Abuser:
- Be on the lookout for the red-flags that abuser is getting upset and may be ready to strike out in anger and try to come up with a couple reasons to get out of the house. These can be used at any time you’re in immediate danger.
- Identify your partner’s use of force so you can assess the danger to yourself and your children before it occurs.
- Try to avoid any episodes of abuse by leaving.
- Identify safe areas of the home where there are no weapons and ways to escape. Try to move to those areas if an argument occurs. Avoid enclosed spaces with no exits. If you can, get to a room with a phone or a window.
- Don’t run to the location of your children – your partner may hurt them too.
- Keep a phone accessible at all times if possible. Make sure you know the numbers (local women’s shelter, local police) to call for help.
- If violence is unavoidable, make yourself a small target: dive into a corner, curl up into a ball, protecting your face with both arms around the side of your head, entwining your fingers.
- Let friends and trusted neighbors know that you are in an abusive situation and develop a plan and visual signal for when you need their help.
- Teach children how to go and get help.
- Make sure your children know to NEVER get in the middle of violence between you and your partner.
- Develop a code word, gesture or symbol to use when the children should leave the house or go get help. Teach the code word to EVERYONE you know.
- Explain that violence – even if it’s committed by someone they love – is not right. Explain that the violence is not their fault and that when someone is violent, it’s important to stay safe.
- Practice a plan with your children (and yourself) for a safe escape.
- Plan for what to do if your children tell your partner of the escape plan.
- Keep weapons like guns and knives locked away and as inaccessible as possible.
- Make a habit of keeping the car backed into the driveway and full of gas. Keep the driver’s door unlocked.
- Don’t wear long scarves or jewelry that can be used to strangle you.
- Call a domestic hotline periodically to assess your options and get a supportive relationship.
- Find domestic violence shelters in your area and see which will accept your family. Here is a state-by-state list of Domestic Violence Shelters.
- Find out how to keep your pets safe, too. The Humane Society of the United States maintains a directory of the Safe Havens for Animals™ programs. Additionally, Sheltering Animals & Families Together (SAF-T) ™ maintains a directory of shelters equipped to accept families of domestic violence along with their pets and Ahimsa House maintains a directory of off-site housing options for pets.
Getting Ready To Leave Your Abuser:
- Keep any evidence of abuse – like pictures or voicemail messages.
- Keep a journal of all violent incidents, noting dates, threats, and events. Keep it in a safe place your abuser won’t find it.
- Know where to get help – tell someone what is happening to you.
- If you’re injured, go to the ER and report the abuse. Make certain they document your visit.
- Contact a local battered women’s shelter to find out about local laws and resources before you have to leave. Contact a family shelter for men, or for women with children.
- Plan with your children and identify a safe place for them – a room with a lock, or a friend’s house they can go for help. Reassure them that it is YOUR job to protect them, not theirs to protect you.
- Try to set some money aside (have friends or family hold it).
- Start getting together some job skills or take some classes at a local college so you can become self-sufficient.
- Have pets vaccinated and licensed in your name to establish ownership.
General Guidelines for Leaving An Abusive Relationship:
- You may ask for a police stand-by or escort while you leave.
- Ask for help from animal care and control officers or law enforcement if pets need to be retrieved from the abuser. Never reclaim animals alone.
- If you’re sneaking away, be prepared.
- Make a plan for how and where you will escape.
- Plan for a quick escape.
- Put aside emergency money.
- Hide an extra set of keys.
- Pack a bag – extra clothes, medications, documents – and store them at a trusted friend or neighbor’s house. Try not to use the homes of next-door neighbors, close family, and mutual friends.
- Take with you important phone numbers as well as these documents:
- Driver’s license
- Regularly-needed medication
- Credit-cards
- Pay stubs
- Checkbooks
If you have time, also take:
- Passport
- Titles, deeds, other property information
- Medical records
- Children’s school and immunization schedule
- Insurance information
- Copy of birth certificates, marriage license, mortgage, and will
- Verification of social security numbers
- Welfare identification
- Pictures, jewelry or other personal possessions.
- Pet vaccination records, pet license, pet medical records, and other pet documents.
Creating a false trail may be helpful – call motels, real estate agencies, and schools in a town at LEAST six hours from where you plan to relocate. Ask questions that require a call back to the house to leave a record of phone numbers.
After You Leave An Abusive Relationship:
If you’re getting a restraining order and your abuser is leaving:
- Change locks and phone numbers.
- Change work hours and route taken to work.
- Change route you take you kids to school.
- Keep a certified copy of your restraining with you at all times.
- Because animals are considered property in all 50 states, include them in temporary restraining orders.
- Let friends, neighbors and employers know that you have a restraining order in effect.
- Tell people who take care of your children who is allowed to pick up your children. Explain the situation and provide a restraining order.
- Give copies of the restraining order to employers, neighbors and friends.
- Call law enforcement to enforce the restraining order.
Protect Your Privacy:
Computer Safety:
- You are safest on a computer outside your home.
- Be cautious on email and IM if you are seeking help for domestic violence that way. Your abuser may be able to access your account.
- Change usernames and passwords for all accounts. Even if you believe that your abuser doesn’t have access to them, there are keylogging programs that can easily determine that information.
Phone Safety:
- Get caller ID and ask the phone company to block so that no one will be able to see your phone number when you call.
- Use corded phones rather than cordless telephones. Corded phones are harder to tap.
- Use a prepaid phone card or call collect so that the charges don’t appear on your phone bill.
- Check your cell phone settings as there are many technologies that your abuser can use to listen in on your calls or track your location, even if you do not answer the phone.
- Get your own cell phone that your abuser doesn’t know about.
Safety After You’ve Left:
- Get an unlisted phone number.
- Use a PO Box rather than home address or use the address of a friend.
- Be careful of giving out your new address.
- Apply for state’s address confidentiality program (it will confidentially forward all mail to your home).
- Cancel all old bank accounts and credit cards. When you open new accounts, use a new bank.
- Be aware that addresses are on restraining orders and police reports.
- You may want to get a restraining order, BUT DO NOT FEEL FALSELY COMFORTED BY ONE. Not all states enforce restraining orders. Contact your state’s Domestic Violence Coalition.
- Replace wooden doors with steel or metal doors.
- If possible, install a security system.
- Consider changing your child’s school.
- Alert school authorities of the situation.
If you have more information to add to this resource page, please email bandbacktogether@gmail.com
Page last audited 8/2018
by Band Back Together | Aug 5, 2018
What Is A Romantic Relationship?
For most people, romantic relationships can be the most important part of their lives. Romantic relationships are often thought of as friendships with the addition of passion, intimacy and commitment.
To love and to be loved just as you are; to form a partnership and build a lifetime together; to look at your partner and see the future, these are some of the most rewarding parts of life.
But what goes into these romantic relationships? Why do some romantic relationships fail while others thrive? What makes up a healthy relationship? Is what’s healthy for you healthy for another?
Let’s explore romantic relationships a bit.
The Spectrum of Love and Love Relationships:
Imagine romantic relationships on a spectrum – on the one end, you have dislike, and the other, love. Here are some of the kinds of love relationships:
Non-Love: a casual relationship on the opposite end of the love spectrum. In a “non-love” relationship, there exists no intimacy, passion, or commitment. This may be a friendship.
Liking: the experience we have with certain friends and people we know that involves an increase in the level of intimacy, without passion or commitment.
Infatuation: infatuation is a type of love that involves passion without intimacy and commitment. Perhaps, it may be the way we feel about a television husband or a rock star.
Empty Love: this tends to be a relationship that is one-sided, but committed. Empty love not reciprocated, and involves no intimacy, or passion.
Romantic Love: Romantic love can involve intimacy and passion but may or may not involve commitment.
Fatuous Love: this is a rare type of love that involves both passion and commitment, but no intimacy. Fatuous love is a type of love that’s likely to fail.
Companion Love: in this type of love relationship, there is intimacy and commitment, but no passion. This may involve many workable and functioning marriages – the passion may be gone, but the commitment and intimacy remain.
Consummate Love: Consummate love involves all three elements: passion, commitment, and intimacy.
Levels of Romantic Relationships:
There are a number of levels that people go through while they’re looking for a partner, a romantic relationship. Here is a simplified list of the types of levels in romantic relationships:
Booty Call/Hook-Up: This, as you’d imagine, is a repeated hook-up with the same person over time. There’s passion and intimacy without commitment.
Friends with Benefits: probably the most complicated in all types of romantic relationship levels, friends with benefits are two people who are friends that sleep together. Unfortunately, this often ends in a loss of a friendship.
Lovers: those who are intimate and passionate have deep feelings for each other, though they may never progress to the next level and involve any type of commitment.
Dating: seeing each other and dating means that a level of commitment has been achieved; alongside passion and intimacy. Depending upon the partnership, it may progress into a real relationship.
Significant Other/Romantic Partner: it’s not just sex, it’s not just dating – you guys are SERIOUS about one another. And the world knows it.
Types of Romantic Relationships:
While many romantic relationships end in either a relationship breakup or marriage, there are other types of romantic relationships out there. Here are a few types of romantic relationships:
Closed Relationship/Marriage: This is a relationship in which there is no emotional or physical intimacy outside of the marriage or partnership.
Cohabitation: an arrangement in which two unmarried individuals in a romantic relationship live together without being married.
Domestic Partnership: a personal relationship in which two people live together and share a domestic life but are neither joined by a civil union or marriage.
Common-Law Marriages: an interpersonal status that is legally recognized in certain areas as a marriage without a marriage ceremony or civil union.
Civil Union: a legally recognized form of partnership that’s similar to marriage, often for those in same-sex relationships.
Open Relationship/Marriage: This is a relationship in which there is an expectation of multiple partners within the relationship, all of whom are on equal footing.
Intentional Family are those who chose each other as family, regardless of whether they choose to be sexual with one another or not.
Polyamory – people who have multiple relationships, when held in a position of trust and open communication. Sometimes referred to as “open” relationships,” polyamory reflects a non-monogamous lifestyle.
Primary Relationship: This refers to the closest relationship within the polyamorous dynamic. Sometimes there is a dominant “couple” within the relationship dynamic.
Things To Consider At The Beginning Of A Romantic Relationship:
While no romantic relationship is perfect, during the beginning stages of a relationship, or the “honeymoon phase,” we may find ourselves overlooking a lot of things because we’re infatuated with each other. That’s okay, but to learn to have healthy relationships, you must begin to see your partner as he or she really is.
Keep the following in mind at the beginning of a romantic relationship:
- Does my partner make me feel appreciated?
- Does my partner make me feel free to be me?
- Does my partner make me feel understood?
- Does my partner make me feel valued?
- Does my partner respect me?
- Does my partner control me?
Make sure that your partner understands what you want and need from him or her in terms of the romantic relationship.
Together, explore your feelings about values, beliefs, needs and the expectations you want from a partner.
Bring up how YOU feel love is shown. Ask your partner how he or she defines love.
Discuss conflict resolution – even in the early stages of a relationship, any long-term relationship will have conflicts. How will you work together to solve them.
Tips for Healthy Romantic Relationships:
There are a lot of relationship don’t-do-this-or-else advice. What about how to maintain a healthy normal romantic partnership? How does one maintain a healthy romantic partnership?
Here are some tips:
When looking for a relationship, approach it from an attitude of “What can I bring to the relationship?” rather than “what can I get out of it?” This is the attitude that fosters healthy relationships.
Don’t confuse “loving someone” with “needing someone.” Need is based upon insecurity and codependence which can lead you to believe that you cannot live without them. When you love someone – really love them – you know that you can be happy alone and continue to love that person regardless of your romantic relationships.
You cannot depend upon a partner for your own happiness – happiness is something that you must create and foster within yourself.
Happiness is something you yourself bring into a relationship.
Take care of your own well-being. If you don’t, you will only attract someone at the same emotional level or lower. If I am healthy, I will attract a healthy partner. If I am emotionally unhealthy, I will attract emotionally unhealthy partners.
Do not hold your partner to expectations unless they have been previously discussed and agreed upon.
Take responsibility for your own emotions – not the emotions of others around you. You can only control yourself and the way you react to certain events.
Learn to tell your partner specifically what you need from him or her.
It’s up to you to ask for help than expect someone else – including a partner – to do something to make you feel better.
You can feel sorry for your partner if he or she is hurting – but you don’t have to be the person who feels guilty for causing the pain. If your partner EVER expects you to feel guilt or tries to play on your susceptibility toward guilt, reevaluate your relationship with your partner.
When talking about your emotions to your partner, learn to explain these emotions without placing the blame on your partner – take responsibility for being insecure or defensive.
Remind yourself that sometimes, when you talk about your feelings, you may trigger your partner to feel defensive – he or she may feel blackmailed, manipulated, responsible or pressured – even if that’s not what you meant to have happen.
Healthy relationships are based on respect. Treat each other with dignity.
When you feel badly about something you’ve done – tell your partner immediately and ask for forgiveness.
If your partner doesn’t accept your apology, you must forgive yourself. You can only give an apology – not force someone to accept it and forgive you.
Relationships are give and take. You should not be doing all the giving or the taking. It’s a partnership.
Don’t assume you know how your partner feels. If you don’t know how he or she feels – ask.
Communication in Romantic Relationships:
There are several things to keep in mind when talking to your partner (or, really, anyone). Here are some tips for communication in romantic relationships:
Feelings are not up for debate. Ever.
It’s not worth it to try to explain why you feel the way you feel to someone who isn’t interested.
Logic never heals emotional wounds.
Feelings shouldn’t be expressed indirectly, through sarcasm (a sign of resentment, hurt, anger, and bitterness). Identify and explain your feelings as you understand them.
Feelings may not be consistent – expecting them to remain the same will lead to resentment and disappointment.
Defending your feelings often puts other people on the defensive, so it’s not a worthwhile communication technique.
Invalidating your partner is one of the quickest ways to kill the relationship.
Don’t behave judgmentally toward your partner – it will only serve to drive you apart.
State your feelings starting with, “I feel (emotion)” and wait for your partner to respond – don’t try to force explanations.
Take a time out and a step back (I call it “taking 5”) when you feel like you’ve been attacked, are hostile or angry.
Ask your partner how he or she would feel before making any decisions that affect the two of you.
Don’t use your partner’s words against him or her – this is a particularly damaging way to attack someone.
Handling Negative Feelings In A Romantic Relationship:
There are some general guidelines to both promote effective communication and working toward a solution with your partner.
Read more about feelings.
- Figure out what feeling you’re feeling.
- Tell your partner with an “I feel (emotion).”
- Wait for your partner to respond.
- Identify your feelings about their response.
- Use those feelings to help determine how you feel about the relationship – should you invest more or less in your partner.
- If several relationships show a pattern; the same feelings in a relationship with a different partner, you may want to work on managing your own emotional needs.
Problems Within Romantic Relationships:
It’s not a question that every romantic relationship comes with problems. After the “honeymoon period” is over, the real you comes out and problems may emerge.
Here are some of the major problems in romantic relationships:
Jealousy – while jealousy is a natural feeling, in a romantic relationship, jealousy can become problematic when you – or your partner – begins to experience it. Typical things people may be jealous over include:
- Friendships of the opposite sex
- Time spent at work
- Time spent with friends
Read more about jealousy.
Infidelity – while infidelity is often associated with sexual activity with another person, there are several types of infidelity.
- Emotional infidelity occurs when there is an emotional – but not physical – romantic involvement to someone who is not your partner.
- Physical infidelity occurs when one partner decides to have sexual relations with someone who is not his or her partner.
- Affairs – an affair occurs when emotional infidelity and physical infidelity mix.
Infidelity can greatly impact romantic relationships.
Read more about infidelity here.
Dating Abuse – while most people don’t assume that people who are simply “dating” or in a romantic relationship can be abused. It’s untrue. One does not have to be married to be abused. Intimate partner rape and intimate partner abuse is fairly common and underreported.
Read more about domestic abuse.
Feeling Under-Appreciated – many people in long-term romantic relationships end up feeling under-appreciated by their partner. Once you can see a pattern (example below) emerge, you can take what you see and take it to your partner using specific examples.
- Becky writes a resource page about relationships. Her partner shrugs.
- Becky edits 300 posts and schedules them for The Band. Her partner says, “I could’ve done more.”
- Becky cleans the whole house and purges it. Her partner criticizes the way she got rid of “too much stuff.”
The pattern remains the same – different scenarios, but Becky is left feeling like her partner doesn’t appreciate her.
Tips For Trying To Mend A Romantic Relationship:
It’s the rare couple that doesn’t run into a few bumps in the road. If you recognize ahead of time, though, what those relationship problems might be, you’ll have a much better chance of getting past them.Even though every relationship has its ups and downs, successful couples have learned how to manage the bumps and keep their love life going, they hang in there, tackle problems, and learn how to work through the complex issues of everyday life.
Relationship Problem: Communication
All relationship problems stem from poor communication; you can’t communicate while you’re checking your BlackBerry, watching TV, or flipping through the sports section.
Problem-solving strategies:
- Make an actual appointment with each other. If you live together, put the cell phones on vibrate, put the kids to bed, and let voicemail pick up your calls.
- If you can’t “communicate” without raising your voices, go to a public spot like the library, park,, or restaurant where you’d be embarrassed if anyone saw you screaming.
- Set up some rules. Try not to interrupt until your partner is through speaking,
- Ban the usage of phrases such as “You always …” or “You never ….”
- Use body language to show you’re listening. Don’t doodle, look at your watch, or pick at your nails. Nod so the other person knows you’re getting the message, and rephrase if you need to. For instance, say, “What I hear you saying is that you feel as though you have more chores at home, even though we’re both working.” If you’re right, the other can confirm. If what the other person really meant was, “Hey, you’re a slob and you create more work for me by having to pick up after you,” he or she can say so, but in a nicer way.
Relationship Problem: Not Making Your Relationship a Priority
If you want to keep your love life going, making your relationship a focal point should not end when you say “I do.” Relationships lose their luster. So make yours a priority!
Problem-solving strategies:
- Do the things you used to do when you were first dating: Show appreciation, compliment each other, contact each other through the day, and show interest in each other.
- Plan date nights. Schedule time together on the calendar just as you would any other important event in your life.
- Respect one another. Say “thank you,” and “I appreciate…” It lets your partner know that they matter.
Relationship Problem: Money
Money problems can start even before the wedding vows are exchanged. They can stem, for example, from the expenses of courtship or from the high cost of a wedding. The National Foundation for Credit Counseling (NFCC) recommends that couples who have money woes take a deep breath and have a serious conversation about finances.
Problem-solving strategies:
- Be honest about your current financial situation. If things have gone south, continuing the same lifestyle is unrealistic.
- Don’t approach the subject in the heat of battle. Instead, set aside a time that is convenient and non-threatening for both of you.
- Acknowledge that one partner may be a saver and one a spender, understand there are benefits to both, and agree to learn from each other’s tendencies.
- Don’t hide income or debt. Bring financial documents, including a recent credit report, pay stubs, bank statements, insurance policies, debts, and investments to the table.
- Don’t blame.
- Construct a joint budget that includes savings.
- Decide which person will be responsible for paying the monthly bills.
- Allow each person to have independence by setting aside money to be spent at his or her discretion.
- Decide upon short-term and long-term goals. It’s OK to have individual goals, but you should have family goals, too.
- Talk about caring for your parents as they age and how to appropriately plan for their financial needs if needed.
Relationship Problem: Sex
Even partners who love each other can be a mismatch, sexually. Some professionals in the field explain that a lack of sexual self-awareness and education worsens these problems. But having sex is one of the last things you should give up, Fay says. “Sex,” she says, “brings us closer together, releases hormones that help our bodies both physically and mentally, and keeps the chemistry of a healthy couple healthy.
Problem-solving strategies:
- Plan, plan, plan. Fay suggests making an appointment, but not necessarily at night when everyone is tired. Maybe during the baby’s Saturday afternoon nap or a “before-work quickie.” Ask friends or family to take the kids every other Friday night for a sleepover. When sex is on the calendar, it increases your anticipation. Changing things up a bit can make sex more fun, too, she says. Why not have sex in the kitchen? Or by the fire? Or standing up in the hallway?
- Learn what truly turns you and your partner on by each of you coming up with a personal “Sexy List.” Swap the lists and use them to create more scenarios that turn you both on.
- If your sexual relationship problems can’t be resolved on your own, try consulting a qualified sex therapist to help you both address and resolve your issues.
Relationship Problem: Struggles Over Home Chores
Most partners work outside the home and often at more than one job. So it’s important to fairly divide the labor at home.
Problem-solving strategies:
- Be organized and clear about your respective jobs in the home. Write all the jobs down and agree on who does what. Be fair so no resentment builds.
- Be open to other solutions, she says. If you both hate housework, maybe you can spring for a cleaning service. If one of you likes housework, the other partner can do the laundry and the yard. You can be creative and take preferences into account — as long as it feels fair to both of you.
Relationship Problem: Conflict
Occasional conflict is a part of life, but if you and your partner feel like you’re starring in your own nightmare version of the movie Groundhog Day — i.e. the same lousy situations keep repeating day after day — it’s time to break free of this toxic routine. When you make the effort, you can lessen the anger and take a calm look at underlying issues.
Problem-solving strategies:
You and your partner can learn to argue in a more civil, helpful manner: make these strategies part of who you are in this relationship.
- Realize you are not a victim. It is your choice if you react and how you react.
- Be honest with yourself. When you’re in the midst of an argument, are your comments geared toward resolving the conflict, or are you looking for payback? If your comments are blaming and hurtful, it’s best to take a deep breath and change your strategy.
- Change it up. If you continue to respond in the way that’s brought you pain and unhappiness in the past, you can’t expect a different result this time. Just one little shift can make a big difference. If you usually jump right in to defend yourself before your partner is finished speaking, hold off for a few moments. You’ll be surprised at how such a small shift in tempo can change the whole tone of an argument.
- Give a little; get a lot. Apologize when you’re wrong. Sure it’s tough, but just try it and watch something wonderful happen
- Remember: you can’t control anyone else’s behavior, the only one in your charge is you.
Couples Counseling in Romantic Relationships:
Another way to manage conflict in relationships is to consider couples counseling. Therapy provides a safe place to share your feelings, concerns, worries, and positives in an objective forum. The therapist, who should specialize in family or couples work will be able to help develop communication skills and coping strategies. Some things to consider when seeking couples therapy:
- It is normal to seek therapy
- Seeking therapy does not mean that your relationship is failing or falling apart
- Your therapist should not be seeing you or your partner individually as well
- The therapist is not there to take sides or prove that one person is right and one is wrong
- Therapy takes thought and work
- The goal of couples therapy is to develop communication skills
Getting Back Into Dating After Divorce:
With the divorce rate hovering around 50% in the US, many individuals will be thrust back into the dating scene after being in a monogamous relationship for many years. Putting yourself out there after divorce can be downright terrifying.
Here are some suggestions for dating after divorce:
Develop and maintain a new support group. While old friends are great, new friends can help you better to adapt to your new life. When a divorce happens, generally friends take sides or refuse to get involved. They may also feel jealousy that you’re now free from your marriage. New friendships can help remind you that dating isn’t as scary as it may feel.
Remind yourself that you’re worth it, dammit! After the stress of a crumbled relationship, you may find yourself feeling particularly low about your own worth. It’s hard to not feel like the divorce was your fault – even if it wasn’t. So remind yourself every single day that you’re worth it. Make a list of awesome things about you and pull it out whenever you’re feeling low. This can avoid the trap of dating someone who, because your self-worth is so low, will treat you poorly.
Get your ass out there. You’re not going to find a romantic relationship holed up on the couch. Think of this time post-divorce as an opportunity to do the things you weren’t able to do in your marriage. Create a list of 10-15 activities you’d like to do, then follow that list. You can find romance in the most bizarre of places!
Don’t jump before looking. A lot of people, especially when we’re in emotional pain, tend to look for another relationship to jump immediately into post-divorce. Make sure you’re not doing this – it’s not healthy, it’s not appropriate, and you need to feel your feelings and heal before you jump into a new relationship.
Getting Back Into Dating After Partner Loss:
When we lose our partner to death, the very concept of dating can make us want to throw up our hands and hide. While much of the dating advice for widows is similar to that of someone who has been divorced, the grief process is much different when we’ve lost our partner.
Expect backlash – a lot of people will thumb your nose at you whenever you begin dating again – either they believe you’re “dating too soon” or “not grieving enough.” Fuck ’em. There is no timetable on grief and no rules for how and when a widow can and should date.
Reevaluate your own needs – you have the time to explore what you would want in a partner at this stage in your life. Use this opportunity to think about what an ideal relationship would look like for you; what you want out of a partner and what you can give someone in return.
Give yourself time to heal. Without allowing those wounds of losing your partner to close, you may jump into an unhealthy relationship – something you do NOT need.
Take baby steps: Take baby steps when you’re venturing into the dating world – rather than meet someone new for dinner on a moonlit yacht, catch a cup of coffee or something low-key.
Dating…With Kids:
As many of us have been divorced or widowed also have children, there is an additional element to deal with while dating: your children (or your partner’s children).
Don’t hide your children. Many people feel like having children may be seen as a downfall. Children are never downfalls or something to be “dealt with.” Be upfront about your children to your date immediately. If he or she can’t handle dating a single parent, you don’t need that person in your life.
Wait -n- See. It’s recommended that before you introduce your partner to your children, you should make sure that your relationship is going to go the distance. Children – especially small ones – get attached quickly to other adults. And if they’ve already experienced the loss of your breakup, it’s wise to wait and make sure your partner is worth it.
Presents! Kids love stuff. When you introduce your children to your partner, have your partner bring a small gift for the children. Nothing extravagant, just a little something.
Don’t force it. Try as you may want, it’s inappropriate to force your children to like your partner. It may feel daunting, especially if your children express their displeasure at your partner, but reassure them that they still matter to you.
Page last audited 8/2018
by Band Back Together | Aug 2, 2018
What is Child Neglect?
Child neglect is a type of maltreatment in which the caregiver fails to provide needed, age-appropriate care, even though the caregiver is financially able, or would be if offered financial or other means, to do so. Neglect is often seen as an ongoing pattern of inadequate care that is easily observed by people who are in close contact with the child. Once children are in school, personnel often notice indicators of child neglect such as poor hygiene, poor weight gain, inadequate medical care, or frequent absences from school. Professionals have defined four types of neglect: physical, emotional, educational, and medical.
Child neglect is the most prevalent form of child abuse in the United States. In infants, toddlers, and preschool-aged children, neglect is often reported by doctors, nurses, day care personnel, neighbors, and relatives. School-aged children suffering from signs of neglect (poor hygiene, inadequate weight gain, infrequent medical care) are often reported by school personnel. More children suffer from neglect in the United States than from physical and sexual abuse combined. The US Department of Health and Human Services found that in 2007 there were 794,000 victims of child maltreatment in the US, of those victims 59% were victims of neglect. Some researchers have proposed 5 different types of neglect: physical neglect, emotional neglect, medical neglect, mental health neglect, and educational neglect. States may code any maltreatment type that does not fall into one of the main categories – physical abuse, neglect, medical neglect, sexual abuse, and psychological or emotional maltreatment—as “other.”
In spite of this, neglect has received significantly less attention than physical and sexual abuse by practitioners, researchers, and the media. One explanation may be that neglect is so difficult to identify. Neglect often is an act of omission. But neglecting children’s needs can be just as injurious as striking out at them.
How Is Child Abuse and Neglect Defined?
From Child Welfare.Gov, the federal legislation lays the groundwork for state laws on child abuse and neglect by identifying a minimum set of behaviors or actions that define child abuse and neglect. Most state and federal child protection laws refer primarily to cases of harm caused by parents or other caregivers; they do not often include acts of harm caused by other people, such as acquaintances or strangers. Some state laws include a child witnessing domestic violence as a form of abuse or neglect.
The Federal Child Abuse Prevention and Treatment Act (CAPTA) was amended and reauthorized by the CAPTA Reauthorization Act of 2010 defines child abuse and neglect as, at a bare minimum:
“Any recent act or failure to act on the part of a parent or caregiver which results in death, serious emotional or physical harm, sexual abuse or exploitation, or an act of failure to act presents an imminent risk of serious harm.”
What Are The Types of Child Neglect?
There are four recognized types of neglect that children suffer:
Physical Child Neglect – The majority of child neglect cases involve physical neglect, which is defined as a caregiver not providing a child with the basic necessities such as clothing, food, and shelter. Physical neglect may also involve child abandonment, improper supervision, rejection of a child (leading to expulsion from the home), improper safety measures, and failure to meet a child’s physical and emotional needs.
Failure or refusal to provide a child these basic necessities endangers a child’s physical health, well-being, psychological growth and development. This may cause problems such as failure to thrive, malnutrition, chronic illness, a lifetime of low self-esteem, and injuries from improper supervision
Emotional/Psychological Child Neglect includes engaging in chronic or extreme domestic abuse in front of the child, allowing the child to abuse drugs and alcohol, refusal (or failure) to provide needed psychological care, belittling the child and withholding affection. Severe neglect of infants through failing to meet needs of stimulation and/or nurturance can lead to failure to thrive and even death.
Emotional Child Neglect also includes:
- Corrupting or exploiting the child by encouraging illegal, destructive or antisocial behavior.
- Ignoring the child, consistently failing to provide stimulation, nurturance, encouragement, protection, or failure to acknowledge the child’s existence.
- Rejecting the child, actively refusing the child’s needs.
- Verbally assaulting the child through name calling, threatening, or consistent belittlement.
- Isolating the child and preventing normal social contacts with other children and/or adults.
- Terrorizing the child with threats of extreme punishment, or creating a climate of terror by playing off the child’s fears.
These parental/caregiver behaviors can lead to substance use and abuse, low-self worth, suicide, and destructive behaviors in the child. Emotional child neglect is often difficult to substantiate and is generally reported secondarily to other forms of child neglect
Educational Child Neglect involves the failure of a parent/caregiver to enroll a child of mandatory school age in school or provide appropriate home schooling or special education training. This allows the child to engage in chronic truancy. Educational child neglect leads to the failure of the child to develop basic life skills, consistent disruptive behavior, and dropping out of school. It can pose a major threat to the child’s emotional well-being, physical health, and normal psychological growth, especially when the child has special educational needs.
Medical Child Neglect is the failure to provide appropriate health care for a child when financially able to do so. This places a child at risk for being seriously disabled, disfigured, or dying. Even in non-emergencies, medical neglect may result in poor physical health and additional medical problems.
Medical child neglect may occur due to religious beliefs, fear or anxiety about a medical condition and its treatment, or financial issues, including lack of insurance coverage. Situations in which Child Protective Services will generally intervene via court order include:
- Child with life-threatening chronic disease is not receiving medical treatment.
- Acute medical emergency requires medical intervention.
- Child has a chronic condition that may cause disfigurement or disability if left untreated.
Medical child neglect is highly correlated with poverty. There is a clear-cut distinction between a parent/caregiver’s inability to provide needed care based upon cultural norms, a lack of financial resources, and a reluctance to provide care.
Children and their families may be in need of services even if the parent isn’t intentionally neglectful. If poverty is an issue, services may be offered to help families provide for their children.
What Are Some Symptoms Of Child Neglect?
Despite the overwhelming amount of children suffering neglect at home, this particular type of child abuse can be tricky to spot. Here are some possible symptoms of child neglect:
The Child:
- Shows changes in behavior and/or school performance
- Lacks medical or dental care, immunizations, or glasses
- Has learning issues (or difficulty concentrating) that can’t be attribute to a physical or psychological cause
- Is always watchful, like he or she is waiting for something bad to happen
- Is constantly dirty and has persistent body odor
- Hasn’t received help for physical or medical problems brought to the parents’ attention.
- Lacks adult supervision
- States that no one is home to care for him or her
- Lacks sufficient clothing for the seasons (such as a missing coat)
- Frequently absent from school
- Abuses drugs or alcohol
- Begs and/or steals money or food
The Parent/Caregiver:
- Acts indifferently to the child
- Seems apathetic and/or depression
- Abuses drugs or alcohol
- Acts irrationally or bizarrely
Why Does Child Neglect Occur?
Most parents don’t hurt or neglect their children intentionally. Many were themselves abused or neglected. Very young or inexperienced parents might not know how to take care of their babies or what they can reasonably expect from children at different stages of development. Circumstances that place families under extraordinary stress—for instance, poverty, divorce, sickness, disability—sometimes take their toll in the maltreatment of children.
Researchers propose that factors of parenting stem from the parents’ own developmental history and psychological well-being, characteristics of the family and child, and coping strategies, and resources.
There are a myriad of reasons why child neglect may occur in a household. In some cases, parents are ill-prepared for parenthood, which may be remedied by learning better parenting skills through parenting classes. Other situations that may lead to child neglect and abuse include:
- Caregiver has a drug or alcohol addiction
- Family stress due to economic struggles and/or divorce
- Under- or untreated mental illness in the caregiver or children
- Caregiver was neglected as a child
- Domestic violence in the home
- Disabilities in the caregiver or child
- Family isolation, lack of family or social support
- Community violence and crime
What Is The Impact of Child Neglect?
The long-term impact and consequences of neglect in children varies wildly from person to person and depend, in part, upon several things:
- The child’s age and developmental status when the abuse or neglect occurred
- The type of maltreatment (physical abuse, neglect, sexual abuse, etc.)
- The frequency, duration, and severity of the maltreatment
- The relationship between the child and the perpetrator
Researchers also have begun to explore why,given similar conditions, some children experience long-term consequences of abuse and neglect while others emerge relatively unscathed. The ability to cope, and even thrive, following a negative experience is often referred to as “resilience.” It is important to note that resilience is not an inherent trait in children but results from a mixture of both risk and protective factors that cause a child’s positive or negative reaction to adverse experiences. A number of protective factors—individually, within a family, or within a community—may contribute to an abused or neglected child’s resilience. These include positive attachment, self-esteem, intelligence, emotion regulation, humor, and independence.
Neglect can interrupt a child’s mental and physical development and lead to life-long psychological and physical problems.
Physical Health Consequences: Child abuse and neglect can have a multitude of long-term effects on physical health.
- Abusive head trauma and permanent disabilities: an inflicted injury to the head and its contents caused by shaking and blunt impact, is the most common cause of traumatic death for infants. The injuries may not be immediately noticeable and may include bleeding in the eye or brain and damage to the spinal cord and neck. Significant brain development takes place during infancy, and this important development is compromised in maltreated children. One in every four victims of shaken baby syndrome dies, and nearly all victims experience serious health consequences
- Impaired brain development. Child abuse and neglect have been shown to cause important regions of the brain to fail to form or grow properly, resulting in impaired development. These alterations in brain maturation have long-term consequences for cognitive, language, and academic abilities and are connected with mental health disorder
- Poor health and chronic illness: Several studies have shown a relationship between various forms of child maltreatment and poor health. Adults who experienced abuse or neglect during childhood are more likely to suffer from cardiovascular disease, lung and liver disease, hypertension, diabetes, asthma, and obesity.
Psychological Consequences: The immediate emotional effects of abuse and neglect—isolation, fear, and an inability to trust—can translate into lifelong psychological consequences, including low self-esteem, depression, and relationship difficulties. Researchers have identified links between child abuse and neglect and the following:
- Difficulties during infancy. Of children entering foster care in 2010, 16 percent were younger than 1 year. When infants and young children enter out-of-home care due to abuse or neglect, the trauma of a primary caregiver change negatively affects their attachments to others. Nearly half of infants in foster care who have experienced maltreatment exhibit some form of cognitive delay, have lower IQ scores, language difficulties, and neonatal challenges compared to children who have not been abused or neglected.
- Poor mental and emotional health. Experiencing childhood trauma and adversity, such as physical or sexual abuse, is a risk factor for borderline personality disorder, depression, anxiety, and other psychiatric disorders. One study found that roughly 54 percent of cases of depression and 58 percent of suicide attempts in women were connected to adverse childhood experiences Child maltreatment also negatively impacts the development of emotion regulation, which often persists into adolescence or adulthood.
- Cognitive difficulties: Researchers found that children with substantiated reports of maltreatment were at risk for severe developmental and cognitive problems, including grade repetition. More than 10 percent of school-aged children and youth showed some risk of cognitive problems or low academic achievement, 43 percent had emotional or behavioral problems, and 13 percent had both.
- Social difficulties: Children who experience neglect are more likely to develop antisocial traits as they grow up. Parental neglect is associated with borderline personality disorders, attachment issues or affectionate behaviors with unknown/little-known people, inappropriate modeling of adult behavior, and aggression.
Behavioral Consequences: Not all victims of child abuse and neglect will experience behavioral consequences. However, behavioral problems appear to be more likely among this group.More than half of youth reported for maltreatment are at risk for an emotional or behavioral problem Child abuse and neglect appear to make the following more likely:
- Difficulties during adolescence: More than half of youth with reports of maltreatment are at risk of grade repetition, substance abuse, delinquency, truancy, or pregnancy. Other studies suggest that abused or neglected children are more likely to engage in sexual risk-taking as they reach adolescence, thereby increasing their chances of contracting a sexually transmitted disease. Victims of child sexual abuse also are at a higher risk for rape in adulthood, and the rate of risk increases according to the severity of the child sexual abuse experience(s)
- Juvenile delinquency and adult criminality. Several studies have documented the correlation between child abuse and future juvenile delinquency. Children who have experienced abuse are nine times more likely to become involved in other criminal activities.
- Alcohol and other drug abuse. Research consistently reflects an increased likelihood that children who have experienced abuse or neglect will smoke cigarettes, abuse alcohol, or take illicit drugs during their lifetime. In fact, male children who’ve had six or more adverse childhood experiences had an increased likelihood—of more than 4,000 percent—to use intravenous drugs later in life
- Abusive behavior. Abusive parents often have experienced abuse during their own childhoods. Data from the Longitudinal Study of Adolescent Health showed that girls who experienced childhood physical abuse were 1–7 percent more likely to become perpetrators of youth violence and 8–10 percent more likely to be perpetrators of interpersonal violence (IPV). Boys who experienced childhood sexual violence were 3–12 percent more likely to commit youth violence and 1–17 percent more likely to commit IPV.
Societal Consequences: While child abuse and neglect usually occur within the family, the impact does not end there. Society as a whole pays a price for child abuse and neglect, in terms of both direct and indirect costs.
- Direct costs. The lifetime cost of child maltreatment and related fatalities in 1 year totals $124 billion, according to a study funded by the CDC. Child maltreatment is more costly on an annual basis than the two leading health concerns, stroke and type 2 diabetes. On the other hand, programs that prevent maltreatment have shown to be cost effective. The U.S. Triple P System Trial, funded by the CDC, has a benefit/cost ratio of $47 in benefits to society for every $1 in program costs.
- Indirect costs. Indirect costs represent the long-term economic consequences to society because of child abuse and neglect. These include costs associated with increased use of our health-care system, juvenile and adult criminal activity, mental illness, substance abuse, and domestic violence. Prevent Child Abuse America estimates that child abuse and neglect prevention strategies can save taxpayers $104 billion each year. According to the Schuyler Center for Analysis and Advocacy (2011), every $1 spent on home visiting yields a $5.70 return on investment in New York, including reduced confirmed reports of abuse, reduced family enrollment in Temporary Assistance for Needy Families, decreased visits to emergency rooms, decreased arrest rates for mothers, and increased monthly earnings. One study found that all eight categories of adverse childhood experiences were associated with an increased likelihood of employment problems, financial problems, and absenteeism/ The authors assert that these long-term costs—to the workforce and to society—are preventable
What To Do If You Suspect Child Neglect:
If you see a case of suspected child neglect, report it first to the local child protective services. Reasonable suspicion based upon objective evidence and firsthand observations or statements from a parent or child is all that is needed to report.
Here is a State-by-State listing of child abuse reporting agencies and their telephone numbers.
Call Childhelp National Child Abuse Hotline at 1-800-4-A-Child to get a referral to your local agency. Those professionals who work with children are required by law (mandated reporters) to report any reasonable suspicion of child abuse and child neglect.
Child Neglect Hotlines:
Childhelp National Child Abuse Hotline at 1-800-4-A-Child
National Parent Helpline: 1-855-4A PARENT – 1-855-427-2736
What Will Happen If I Report Child Neglect?
Typically, an agent from Child Protective Services will be sent to the home to assess the environment in which the children live. The agent may interview the parents, children, other family members, and neighbors to assess the gravity of the situation and gain an understanding of the contributing factors.
Child Protective Services will determine what actions the caregivers should take in order to provide the children with appropriate care. Their goal is to protect the children while enabling families to provide appropriate care and stay in tact. In some cases custody may be suspended depending upon caregiver compliance and cooperation with action plans mandated to address the neglect. It will then be determined if temporary foster care (with a family member or a caregiver in the foster care program) is needed to care for the children while the caregivers address the cited issues, or if the children should be removed from the home permanently if the caregiver does not comply.
Additional Resources for Child Abuse and Neglect:
State-by-State listing of child abuse reporting agencies, their websites and telephone numbers.
A list of child abuse and neglect programs listed by the US government.
Childhelp is a leading national non-profit organization dedicated to helping victims of child abuse and neglect. Childhelp’s approach focuses on prevention, intervention and treatment. The Childhelp National Child Abuse Hotline, 1-800-4-A-CHILD, operates 24 hours a day, seven days a week, and receives calls from throughout the United States, Canada, the U.S. Virgin Islands, Puerto Rico and Guam.
Leaving your child alone resources and laws by state.
National Parent Helpline – Being a parent is a critically important job, 24 hours a day. It’s not always easy. Call the National Parent Helpline to get emotional support from a trained Advocate and become empowered and a stronger parent.
The Child Welfare Information Gateway provides extensive information on child neglect, its impacts, and the laws in place to prevent it.
Page last audited 8/2018