Coping With Depression

by Band Back Together | Aug 20, 2018

What is Depression and How Do I Cope With It?

When you know that someone that love dearly is suffering from depression, it’s hard to know how to help, or if you should even bother trying. Your support and encouragement, hard as it may be to provide, is incredibly important to helping your loved one with depression.

While sadness is a normal part of the human experience – we all feel sad some of the time as a natural result of grief, loss, isolation, loneliness, or other psychologically painful life events. Sadness is natural. However, when sadness becomes more than feeling blue for a lot longer, it can become Major Depressive Disorder (MDD).

Major Depressive Disorder (also known as recurrent depressive disorder, clinical depression, or unipolar depression) is a form of depression that is characterized by an all-encompassing depressed mood and/or decreased interest in pleasurable activities nearly every day for at least two weeks. Visit here to read more about Major Depressive Disorder.

A word of caution: depression can easily wear you down if you don’t tend to your own needs. And if you’re worn down, you will be of no help to your loved one. Here are some tips for helping a loved one with depression.

Coping When You Are Depressed:

Depression drains your energy, hope, and drive, making it difficult to take the steps that will help you to feel better. But while overcoming depression isn’t quick or easy, it’s far from impossible. You can’t just will yourself to “snap out of it,” but you do have more control than you realize—even if your depression is severe and stubbornly persistent. The key is to start small and build from there. Feeling better takes time, but you can get there by making positive choices for yourself each day.

Dealing with depression requires action, but taking action when you’re depressed can be hard. Sometimes, just thinking about the things you should do to feel better, like exercising or spending time with friends, can seem exhausting or impossible to put into action.

It’s the Catch-22 of depression recovery: The things that help the most are the things that are the most difficult to do. There is a big difference, however, between something that’s difficult and something that’s impossible. You may not have much energy, but by drawing on all your reserves, you should have enough to take a walk around the block or pick up the phone to call a loved one.

Taking the first step is always the hardest. But going for a walk or getting up and dancing to your favorite music, for example, is something you can do right now. And it can substantially boost your mood and energy for several hours—long enough to put a second recovery step into action, such as preparing a mood-boosting meal or arranging to meet an old friend. By taking the following small but positive steps day by day, you’ll soon soon lift the heavy fog of depression and find yourself feeling happier, healthier, and more hopeful again.

If you’re dealing with major depression, helping yourself may feel like a gigantic, insurmountable feat. When getting out of bed in the morning is a victory, you know it’s time to get some real help for your depression . . . but how?

Here are some tips for helping yourself if you have major depression.

Do not wait until your depression is “bad enough” to seek help. The longer you wait, the more agony you’re putting yourself through. Any depression is bad enough to seek help. If you don’t know where to find help, start with your general doctor, or the campus health or counseling center. They should be able to help you get to the right place.

Set small realistic goals for yourself, and when you meet them, celebrate.

Break down big tasks into smaller, bite-sized ones that can be completed more easily. That will help to see how you can best manage your priorities.

Try (this may sound ridiculously hard) to get active. Exercise. The chemicals you release when you work out can really boost your mood.

Try for 8 hours of sleep a night. Depression usually comes with sleep issues (too much or too little) which can make your mood suffer. Try to get a better night’s sleep more consistently.

Get some sunlight and fresh air every day.

Reduce stress. No matter how you do it, let some of it go. Stress can impede depression treatment and actually TRIGGER depression. Find what works for you and do it.

Even if it sounds like a horrible idea, try to set aside some time for activities you used to like. Go to a movie with friends. Go out to dinner. Do something.

Don’t isolate yourself (even though it’s really tempting). Let people in and let people you trust know that you are struggling.

Let other people help you. You may have to ask for the help, but know that it is not the burden you feel it is. That’s the depression talking.

The depression has some really nasty things to say sometimes. Try and tune that mean voice out and remember that you are worth it. You really are.

Soon, those awful, mean thoughts will be replaced by more positive thoughts. So keep holding on.

Challenge those nasty thoughts (negative thoughts) with this: “would you say these things to a friend?”

Allow for imperfections. You’re not perfect. I’m not perfect. NO ONE is perfect.

Find some positive people to be around. Positivity can do a lot to improve your outlook on life.

Just like treatment for diabetes or liver disease, your symptoms will not improve overnight. Getting help does not mean that you are cured instantly.

Boost B-vitamin consumption while minimizing sugar and refined carbohydrates. Complex carbs are okay.

Don’t make any important decisions (getting married, having a baby, having another baby, moving across the country) while the depression has its teeth in you. Wait until you are feeling better, calmer, and can discuss the ideas with a loved one.

Educate yourself. Learn all that you can. Find things that work for you. Don’t be discouraged if what works for your friend doesn’t help you. Depression is unique.

Find a support group. Support groups are great places to feel less alone, less like a freak, and learn new and better coping mechanisms.

Write it out. For us, at Band Back Together, or for yourself.

We are NONE of us alone – even if we feel that way sometimes.

Helping A Loved One With Depression:

There’s a great deal of information available about depression. But loving and living with a depressed person can be painfully difficult. Anti-depressants are the number-one prescribed medication in this country; but they, unfortunately, are not a complete and total cure. Many with depression continue to suffer, or at least have periods of symptoms. This clearly affects those who love them.

It can be especially difficult when the depressed person is your child or a partner. Many parents feel they must rescue even their adult children from these issues. Most people feel helpless when you live with a depressed individual. It may not be healthy to feel it is one’s duty to “rescue” their partner, and certainly not to take responsibility for his or her feelings. This does happen often in relationships.

For men with depressed partners, feeling helpless is especially common. Generally, men are fixers: when they hear of a problem, their reaction is to fix it. But depression is not so easily fixed, therefore the result is helplessness and frustration. This can complicate the helping process.

Difficulties abound when living with a depressed partner. Because of symptoms like apathy, a partner’s needs may not be met. In a relationship, each partner will make attempts to feel love from their partner. These attempts may be thwarted by apathy from the depressive, leaving the partner feeling disconnected. Anhedonia can also contribute to a lack of sex drive, which can further complicate this problem. The end result: The partner feels his or her relationship needs are not important.

Not only might the parent or partner feel helpless in regard to alleviating the loved one’s depression, he might feel as if he is a contributor. In fact, because of of distorted thinking, the depressed individual might believe their loved one is a contributor. But even when that is not the case, the parent or partner may experience an internal battle over what to say or not to say. In the case in the previous paragraph, a partner may not express his or her feelings of neglect, fearing they will contribute to the depressed mood of the other. This can further both issues: feeling neglected and feeling like a contributor to the depression.

When you learn that your loved one is suffering from this very real mental illness, it can be overwhelming. What do you do? How do you do it? What if this makes the depression worse?

Many who live with a depressed person struggle with whether they are being supportive or enabling. Some believe “tough love” is what is needed. Being supportive and loving may appear to allow the depressed individual to remain stagnant. Pushing too much can lead to conflict and further withdrawal.

Coping with a loved one’s depression may seem like a hopeless situation. Still, there are still things that can be done:

Research depression, and what might be helpful. There are a number of things that are helpful for depression: exercise, meditation, 20 minutes of daily unblocked sunlight, medication, dietary changes, as well as a number of natural remedies. More than just suggesting what can help, the loved one can engage in the new behavior.

One of the most common questions asked is what you can DO to manage your own feelings and to help your loved one, who is struggling with depression.

BE THERE for your loved one, no matter what. Often depression makes a person feel isolated and alone, and because it can be frustrating for friends and families, they may feel abandoned. This may be as simple as sitting with someone, stopping by to check in, making a phone call, or running an errand.

Explain depression to children. Children are extremely intuitive and will notice if something is off or not quite right. Explaining to a child that someone is sad helps the child understand his or her own feelings, as well as the feelings of someone who is depressed.

Engage the depressed person in activities. While it is often difficult to find motivation through depression, making opportunities available and finding ways to encourage a depressed person to engage often helps that person reconnect with joy-bringing activities. Invite the person to hang out, go for a walk, watch a movie, eat a meal, or any other activities you do together.

Start small. Depression is very much a one-step-at-a-time disorder. Small steps may be easier to attain small goals and activities to build momentum. Inviting someone suffering from depression to a 200-person block party may not be the best way to engage a depressed person. Start small, such as going out to coffee or spending time together.

Balance diet, exercise, and medication. One of the best stress reducers and boosts in endorphins comes from exercise. Go for a walk, make or have regular meals, and remind the depressed person to regularly take medications.

TALK to the depressed person. Sometimes the best medicine is a place for the person to vent. They may not be looking for solutions, rather a safe space to worry.

Normalize feelings. It is okay for someone to feel sad, lonely, angry, depressed…even if that person feels ashamed about how he or she feels.

Be honest with the person about how they act and how their actions impact you and other people.

Take time for yourself. Depression can be overwhelming and difficult to deal with, and you need to make sure you take care of yourself as well.

Let them tell you how they feel. As a family member or friend, you may become frustrated, angry, or irritated at someone who is depressed. You may believe that he or she should snap out of it or get over it. You may feel that your or another’s situation is worse. While it is important to recognize these feelings, it is also important to allow the other person a chance to explain his or her perception or experience with depression. He or she may be able to explain what he or she has been feeling and how the depression is affecting those around him or her. Be open-minded and receptive.

Remember depression is a difficult disorder that impacts everyone close to a family member or friend. It is okay to feel sad, lonely, angry, frustrated, or a variety of other feelings. Acknowledge them and find how you can best help your loved one and you.

Take care of yourself. Whenever someone is dealing with a loved one that has mental illness, it is imperative to engage in or continue self-care. It is possible to balance your needs with your partner’s. Exercise. Do enjoyable things whether your loved one will do it with you or not. Do not allow the depression to darken the entire universe you live in.

Learn about depression and how to talk about depression with your family member. There are numerous places online that you can learn more about what’s helpful and not helpful for your loved one.

Be supportive. Cognitive distortions as well as the lethargy involved in depression lead to negative perceptions and irritability. It is often difficult not to be affected by this, especially if there is anger directed at you. However, it is important to follow this; don’t take anything personally.

It is important to remember that much of what is being directed at you is a result of depression and distortions in perception and thinking and not your fault. The ability to look at situations in a detached and objective way is at the heart of Eastern thought and psychological growth.

Compassionate detachment is being able to empathize and feel compassion for another, while not getting drawn into their perception of reality. You do what you can, without attaching expectation to it.

Being supportive also includes, in moderation, gently pushing your loved one to do what is good for him or her. This includes invitations to join in activities, and attempts to get the depressed person involved in exercise or some of the above suggestions demonstrated to help with depression.

Remember that depression is a serious condition – it can drain optimism, energy, and motivation from your loved one.

Depression, like other medical problems, is not something that can be “snapped out of.”

Remember that being a compassionate listener to your depressed friend is far more important than giving advice.

Encourage your loved one to talk about his or her feelings – and listen without judgment.

Depressed people tend to withdraw from others, so a single conversation about the depression isn’t the end of it. You may have to express your concerns and willingness to listen many times. Do so gently, but persistently.

Start a conversation by saying “I’ve been concerned about you,” “You seem down lately,” or “You’ve been acting differently, are you okay?”

If you don’t know how to help, go ahead and express this to your loved one.

Often, being supportive means offering encouraging words and hope for the future, not spewing advice.

Even though you can’t control someone’s recovery from depression, you can help with their treatment. Encourage your friend to seek help. Your depressed loved one may resist treatment as depression saps both motivation and the feelings that things will ever improve. In this way, encouraging your friend to seek treatment for depression may be challenging.

You can offer to help your friend seek treatment for depression by suggestion a visit to a general practitioner – not a psychiatrist. This may help rule out medical causes for depression.

Offer to help your depressed friend find a doctor or therapist. Promise to go with them for their first visit.

Help your depressed loved one make an extensive list of symptoms to take with them to the doctor.

Help with the treatment of depression in your loved one by researching treatment options, ensuring they go to their appointments, and stay on schedule with treatment plans.

Help to create a low-stress environment for your friend. It can be very challenging while you are depressed to become organized and develop and maintain a routine. Ask your friend if you can help with very specific tasks.

Keep all expectations realistic – it’s really frustrating to watch a depressed loved one struggle if progress is slow.

Be patient – even with proper treatment, depression recovery doesn’t happen overnight.

Encourage your depressed loved one. Sometimes, the very act of getting out of bed on a bad morning can be a huge accomplishment. Tell your friend so.

Encourage your friend to stick with treatments for depression, even if they are not working right away. Know that depression treatment takes time.

Understand that there is an increased risk of suicide among depressed people. Know that at some point, your friend with depression may or may not have suicidal thoughts.

Learn about the signs of suicide – the link will explain signs of suicide and how to handle them more thoroughly – and look for them in your friend. These may include talking about suicide, being preoccupied with suicide, dying or violence, or increased risky behaviors.

If you are concerned that suicide is a possibility, talk to your loved one. Then seek help. Call the suicide hotline: 1-800-273-8255 to talk to a trained counselor who can advise you on how best to handle your suicidal loved one. Do NOT leave a suicidal person. Call 911 for any emergencies.

Things to Say To A Depressed Person:

“You’re not alone. I’m here with you.”

“You may not think so, but the way you’re feeling will change.”

“Maybe I don’t understand completely how you feel, but I want to help.”

“If you feel like you want to give up, hold on for one more minute – whatever you can manage.”

“You’re important to me – your life is important to me.”

“Tell me how I can help.”

How NOT To Help A Loved One With Depression:

While helping a loved one who is suffering depression, remember that self-care is incredibly important. Without taking care of yourself, you may become overwhelmed and be unable to properly help your friend.

Don’t take it personally if your loved one lashes out at you. Sometimes, people with depression say awful, angry things that may hurt you deeply. Remember that’s the depression – not your loved one – talking.

You cannot hide the problem. If your loved one has depression, don’t be an enabler. Don’t make excuses, cover up the depression, or lie for a loved one with depression. This may actually keep the depressed person from seeking proper treatment.

Don’t think that you can fix a loved one’s depression. It’s not your problem and it’s not up to you to take care of.

Remember, you’re not to blame for the depression nor are you responsible for your loved one’s happiness.

Things NOT To Say To A Depressed Person:

“It’s all in your head.”

“We’ve all felt this way.”

“Look on the bright side.”

“Why would you want to die? Your life is great.”

“I can’t help you.”

“Snap out of it!”

“What’s wrong with you?”

“Shouldn’t you be better by now?”

“You have to take care of yourself for your kids!”

“You are so blessed – how could you be feeling this way?”

“Count your blessings.”

“Suck it up.”

Have any other suggestions or tips for how to help someone who is depressed? Email bandbacktogether@gmail.com.

Cancer Resources

by Band Back Together | Aug 20, 2018

If you, or someone you love, have been diagnosed with cancer, you may not know what to do. Here’s a list of tips and ways to cope with a cancer diagnosis.

What is Cancer?

Cancer is not a single disease. It is the general name for a group of more than 100 diseases in which cells in a part of the body begin to proliferate, or grow, wildly and invade other cells, which is something that normal cells are unable to do.

Cancer is the name given to a collection of related diseases. In all types of cancer, some of the body’s cells begin to divide without stopping and spread into surrounding tissues.

Cancer can start almost anywhere in the human body, which is made up of trillions of cells. Normally, human cells grow and divide to form new cells as the body needs them. When cells grow old or become damaged, they die, and new cells take their place.

When cancer develops, however, this orderly process breaks down. As cells become more and more abnormal, old or damaged cells survive when they should die, and new cells form when they are not needed. These extra cells can divide without stopping and may form growths called tumors.

Many cancers form solid tumors, which are masses of tissue. Cancers of the blood, such as leukemia’s, generally do not form solid tumors.

Cancerous tumors are malignant, which means they can spread into, or invade, nearby tissues. In addition, as these tumors grow, some cancer cells can break off and travel to distant places in the body through the blood or the lymph system and form new tumors far from the original tumor.

Unlike malignant tumors, benign tumors do not spread into, or invade, nearby tissues. Benign tumors can sometimes be quite large, however. When removed, they usually don’t grow back, whereas malignant tumors sometimes do. Unlike most benign tumors elsewhere in the body, benign brain tumors can be life threatening.

What Are The Differences Between Cancer Cells and Normal Cells?

Cancer cells differ from normal cells in many ways that allow them to grow out of control and become invasive. One important difference is that cancer cells are less specialized than normal cells. That is, whereas normal cells mature into very distinct cell types with specific functions, cancer cells do not. This is one reason that, unlike normal cells, cancer cells continue to divide without stopping.

In addition, cancer cells are able to ignore signals that normally tell cells to stop dividing or that begin a process known as programmed cell death, or apoptosis, which the body uses to get rid of unneeded cells.

Cancer cells may be able to influence the normal cells, molecules, and blood vessels that surround and feed a tumor—an area known as the micro-environment. For instance, cancer cells can induce nearby normal cells to form blood vessels that supply tumors with oxygen and nutrients, which they need to grow. These blood vessels also remove waste products from tumors.

Cancer cells are also often able to evade the immune system, a network of organs, tissues, and specialized cells that protects the body from infections and other conditions. Although the immune system normally removes damaged or abnormal cells from the body, some cancer cells are able to “hide” from the immune system.

Tumors can also use the immune system to stay alive and grow. For example, with the help of certain immune system cells that normally prevent a runaway immune response, cancer cells can actually keep the immune system from killing cancer cells.

Cancer results from a process of altered cell differentiation and growth. The resulting tissue is called a neoplasia.

Neoplasm is also called a tumor, although the two are not exactly the same.

Tumor: A swelling that can be caused by a number of conditions, including trauma and inflammation. They are named by adding an –oma to the tissue type that the growth originated from.

Metastasis: Development of a secondary tumor in a location distant from the primary tumor.

The type of cancer is named by its point of origin.

The ability to cure cancer varies widely and depends upon the type of cancer and the extent of the disease when the cancer is diagnosed.

There are two types of neoplasms: benign and malignant

Benign Neoplasms:

Cell Characteristics: Well-differentiated cells that resemble cells from the origin of the tumor.

Mode of Growth: Grows through expansion, usually contained in a fibrous capsule, and does not invade surrounding tissues.

Rate of Growth: Slow, progressive growth rate.

Metastasis: Does not spread by metastasis.

General Effects: Because the tumor is localized, it does not cause generalized effects unless the location interferes with vital functions.

Ability to Cause Death: Typically does not involve death unless the location of the tumor interferes with vital functions.

Tissue Destruction: Typically does not cause tissue damage unless the location of the tumor obstructs blood flow.

Malignant Neoplasms:

Cell Characteristics: Cancerous cells are undifferentiated and often bear no resemblance to the tissue from which they originated.

Mode of Growth: Grows at the periphery and sends out processes that infiltrate and differentiate surrounding tissues.

Rate of Growth: Variable. The more atypical the cells, the more rapid the growth.

Metastasis: Accesses the blood and lymph systems and metastasizes to other parts of the body.

General Effects: Anemia, weight loss, and weakness.

Ability to Cause Death: Usually causes death unless tumor is controlled.

Tissue Destruction: Extensive tissue damage when the tumor outgrows its blood supply or cuts off blood supply to the area. May produce substances that cause cell death.

Categories of Cancer:

1) Solid Tumors – initially confined to a single organ or tissue. As the cancerous tumor spreads, cells from the initial mass travel through the blood and lymphatic systems to create metastasis in distant sites of the body.

2) Hematologic Cancers – involve the blood-forming cells. Hematologic Cancers naturally migrate to the blood and lymph systems, causing them to disseminate from the get-go.

Carcinogens and Causes of Cancer:

Because cancer is not a single disease, but a group of diseases, it is likely that cancer does not have a single cause. It is more likely that cancer occurs due to a complex interaction between multiple risk factors, or exposure to a carcinogen.

Oncogenesis: genetic mechanism that transforms normal cells into cancer cells.

Carcinogens: a cancer-causing agent.

What Are The Types of Cancer?

There are more than 100 types of cancer. Types of cancer are usually named for the organs or tissues where the cancers form. For example, lung cancer starts in cells of the lung, and brain cancer starts in cells of the brain. Cancers also may be described by the type of cell that formed them, such as an epithelial cell or a squamous cell.Here are some categories of cancers that begin in specific types of cells:

Carcinoma

Carcinomas are the most common type of cancer. They are formed by epithelial cells, which are the cells that cover the inside and outside surfaces of the body. There are many types of epithelial cells, which often have a column-like shape when viewed under a microscope.

• Carcinomas that begin in different epithelial cell types have specific names:
• Adenocarcinoma is a cancer that forms in epithelial cells that produce fluids or mucus. Tissues with this type of epithelial cell are sometimes called glandular tissues. Most cancers of the breast, colon, and prostate are adenocarcinomas.
• Basal cell carcinoma is a cancer that begins in the lower or basal (base) layer of the epidermis, which is a person’s outer layer of skin.
• Squamous cell carcinoma is a cancer that forms in squamous cells, which are epithelial cells that lie just beneath the outer surface of the skin. Squamous cells also line many other organs, including the stomach, intestines, lungs, bladder, and kidneys. Squamous cells look flat, like fish scales, when viewed under a microscope. Squamous cell carcinomas are sometimes called epidermoid carcinomas.
• Transitional cell carcinoma is a cancer that forms in a type of epithelial tissue called transitional epithelium, or urothelium. This tissue, which is made up of many layers of epithelial cells that can get bigger and smaller, is found in the linings of the bladder, ureters, and part of the kidneys (renal pelvis), and a few other organs. Some cancers of the bladder, ureters, and kidneys are transitional cell carcinomas.

Sarcomas

Sarcomas are cancers that form in bone and soft tissues, including muscle, fat, blood vessels, lymph vessels, and fibrous tissue (such as tendons and ligaments).Osteosarcoma is the most common cancer of bone. The most common types of soft tissue sarcoma are leiomyosarcoma, Kaposi sarcoma, malignant fibrous histiocytoma, liposarcoma, and dermatofibrosarcoma protuberans.

Leukemia

Cancers that begin in the blood-forming tissue of the bone marrow are called leukemias. These cancers do not form solid tumors. Instead, large numbers of abnormal white blood cells (leukemia cells and leukemic blast cells) build up in the blood and bone marrow, crowding out normal blood cells. The low level of normal blood cells can make it harder for the body to get oxygen to its tissues, control bleeding, or fight infections.  There are four common types of leukemia, which are grouped based on how quickly the disease gets worse (acute or chronic) and on the type of blood cell the cancer starts in (lymphoblastic or myeloid).

Lymphoma

Lymphoma is cancer that begins in lymphocytes (T cells or B cells). These are disease-fighting white blood cells that are part of the immune system. In lymphoma, abnormal lymphocytes build up in lymph nodes and lymph vessels, as well as in other organs of the body.There are two main types of lymphoma:

1. Hodgkin lymphoma – People with this disease have abnormal lymphocytes that are called Reed-Sternberg cells. These cells usually form from B cells.
2. Non-Hodgkin lymphoma – This is a large group of cancers that start in lymphocytes. The cancers can grow quickly or slowly and can form from B cells or T cells.

Multiple Myeloma

Multiple myeloma is cancer that begins in plasma cells, another type of immune cell. The abnormal plasma cells, called myeloma cells, build up in the bone marrow and form tumors in bones all through the body. Multiple myeloma is also called plasma cell myeloma and Kahler disease.

Melanoma

Melanoma is cancer that begins in cells that become melanocytes, which are specialized cells that make melanin (the pigment that gives skin its color). Most melanomas form on the skin, but melanomas can also form in other pigmented tissues, such as the eye.

Brain and Spinal Cord Tumors

There are different types of brain and spinal cord tumors. These tumors are named based on the type of cell in which they formed and where the tumor first formed in the central nervous system. For example, an astrocytic tumor begins in star-shaped brain cells called astrocytes, which help keep nerve cells healthy. Brain tumors can be benign (not cancer) or malignant (cancer).

Other Types of Tumors

Germ Cell Tumors

Germ cell tumors are a type of tumor that begins in the cells that give rise to sperm or eggs. These tumors can occur almost anywhere in the body and can be either benign or malignant.

Neuroendocrine Tumors

Neuroendocrine tumors form from cells that release hormones into the blood in response to a signal from the nervous system. These tumors, which may make higher-than-normal amounts of hormones, can cause many different symptoms. Neuroendocrine tumors may be benign or malignant

Carcinoid Tumors

Carcinoid tumors are a type of neuroendocrine tumor. They are slow-growing tumors that are usually found in the gastrointestinal system (most often in the rectum and small intestine). Carcinoid tumors may spread to the liver or other sites in the body, and they may secrete substances such as serotonin or prostaglandins, causing carcinoid syndrome.

Risk Factors For Developing Cancer:

Cancer is a genetic disease—that is, it is caused by changes to genes that control the way our cells function, especially how they grow and divide.

Genetic Risk Factors: There is a hereditary predisposition to certain types of cancers, including breast cancer. Genetic changes that cause cancer can be inherited from our parents. They can also arise during a person’s lifetime as a result of errors that occur as cells divide or because of damage to DNA caused by certain environmental exposures. Cancer-causing environmental exposures include substances, such as the chemicals in tobacco smoke, and radiation, such as ultraviolet rays from the sun.

Each person’s cancer has a unique combination of genetic changes. As the cancer continues to grow, additional changes will occur. Even within the same tumor, different cells may have different genetic changes.

In general, cancer cells have more genetic changes, such as mutations in DNA, than normal cells. Some of these changes may have nothing to do with the cancer; they may be the result of the cancer, rather than its cause.

Environmental Risk Factors: The effects of carcinogenic agents are typically dose-dependent. The larger the dose/longer duration of exposure, the greater risk for developing cancer. Environmental Carcinogens include ionizing radiation, tobacco, tars, oils, certain foods, insecticides, fungicides, benzene, and other industrial agents.

Oncogenic Viruses: Some viruses, such as HPV (human papilomavirus) and T-Cell Leukemia Virus 1, are known to either cause cancer or to increase the risks of developing certain types of cancer.

Immunologic Defects: It has long been suspected that the development of cancer may be associated with an impairment of the immune system or a weakness in the immune system.

Diagnosis of Cancer:

Coping With a Suicide

by Band Back Together | Aug 18, 2018

Coping With A Death By Suicide:

The World Health Organization (WHO) estimates that over a million people die at their own hands each year. A suicide is not only a tragic loss of a life, but it leaves the survivors gasping, prostrate with grief and unanswered questions.

Read more about suicide prevention.

Grief is a universal experience all human beings encounter. Though death inevitably touches our lives, research shows that many people grieve in varying and different ways. From the textures of emotions, to length of time in mourning, to even the kinds of rituals and remembrances that help heal the irreplaceable loss. Grieving the death of a loved one is never, ever easy.

Suicide, however, has been described as a death like no other … and it truly is. Death by suicide stuns with soul-crushing surprise, leaving family and friends not only grieving the unexpected death, but confused and lost by this haunting loss.

In addition to the shocking, tragic loss of a suicide, survivors of suicide face many social stigmas. Suicide survivors suffer in many, many ways: someone they loved dearly has died, usually in a shocking unexpected way, the death may be considered a taboo for others. The grief surrounding a suicide is compounded by a society that is unable to fully feel and understand the pain of their grief.

Suicide survivors suffer a unique kind of pain – here are some ways to help a suicide survivor heal from their tragic loss. It is important for relatives, friends and the larger community to support people throughout the grief process.  The following are some suggestions on how to assist survivors directly.

Respect the timing and pacing of an individual’s grief process.  It is a difficult journey.  Encourage them to make choices that are right for them.

Be courageous – approach those that have lost a loved one by suicide. Let them know you heard.  Ask them how they really are.  This is important even if it has been some time since the actual death.

What Makes Suicide Grief So Hard To Handle?

Research has long known that suicide survivors move through very distinctive grief issues. Family and friends are prone to feeling significant bewilderment about the suicide. Why did this happen? How did I not see this coming? Overwhelming guilt about what they should have done more of or less of —become daily, haunting thoughts. Survivors of suicide loss often feel self-blame as if somehow they were responsible for their loved one’s suicide. Many also experience anger and rage against their loved one for abandoning or rejecting them—or disappointment that somehow they were not powerful enough, loved enough or special enough to prevent the suicide.

The grief process is always difficult, but a loss through suicide is like no other, and the grieving can be especially complex and traumatic. People coping with this kind of loss often need more support than others, but may get less. There are various explanations for this. Suicide is a difficult subject to contemplate. Survivors may be reluctant to confide that the death was self-inflicted. And when others know the circumstances of the death, they may feel uncertain about how to offer help. Grief after suicide is different, but there are many resources for survivors, and many ways you can help the bereaved.

The death of a loved one is never easy to experience, whether it comes without warning or after a long struggle with illness. But several circumstances set death by suicide apart and make the process of bereavement more challenging.

A traumatic aftermath. Death by suicide is sudden, sometimes violent, and usually unexpected. Depending on the situation, survivors may need to deal with the police or handle press inquiries. While you are still in shock, you may be asked whether you want to visit the death scene. Sometimes officials will discourage the visit as too upsetting; at other times, you may be told you’ll be grateful that you didn’t leave it to your imagination. “Either may be the right decision for an individual. But it can add to the trauma if people feel that they don’t have a choice,” says Jack Jordan, Ph.D., clinical psychologist and co-author of After Suicide Loss: Coping with Your Grief.

You may have recurring thoughts of the death and its circumstances, replaying the final moments over and over in an effort to understand — or simply because you can’t get the thoughts out of your head. Some suicide survivors develop post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), an anxiety disorder that can become chronic if not treated. In PTSD, the trauma is involuntarily re-lived in intrusive images that can create anxiety and a tendency to avoid anything that might trigger the memory.

Stigma, shame, and isolation. Suicide can isolate survivors from their community and even from other family members. There’s still a powerful stigma attached to mental illness (a factor in most suicides), and many religions specifically condemn the act as a sin, so survivors may understandably be reluctant to acknowledge or disclose the circumstances of such a death. Family differences over how to publicly discuss the death can make it difficult even for survivors who want to speak openly to feel comfortable doing so. The decision to keep the suicide a secret from outsiders, children, or selected relatives can lead to isolation, confusion, and shame that may last for years or even generations. In addition, if relatives blame one another — thinking perhaps that particular actions or a failure to act may have contributed to events — that can greatly undermine a family’s ability to provide mutual support.

Mixed emotions. After a homicide, survivors can direct their anger at the perpetrator. In a suicide, the victim is the perpetrator, so there is a bewildering clash of emotions. On one hand, a person who dies by suicide may appear to be a victim of mental illness or intolerable circumstances. On the other hand, the act may seem like an assault on or rejection of those left behind. So the feelings of anger, rejection, and abandonment that occur after many deaths are especially intense and difficult to sort out after a suicide.

Need for reason. “What if” questions may arise after any death. What if we’d gone to a doctor sooner? What if we hadn’t let her drive to the basketball game? After a suicide, these questions may be extreme and self-punishing — unrealistically condemning the survivor for failing to predict the death or to intervene effectively or on time. Experts tell us that in such circumstances, survivors tend to greatly overestimate their own contributing role — and their ability to affect the outcome.

“Suicide can shatter the things you take for granted about yourself, your relationships, and your world,” says Dr. Jordan. Many survivors need to conduct a psychological “autopsy,” finding out as much as they can about the circumstances and factors leading to the suicide, in order to develop a narrative that makes sense to them. While doing this, they can benefit from the help of professionals or friends who are willing to listen — without attempting to supply answers — even if the same questions are asked again and again.

Sometimes a person with a disabling or terminal disease chooses suicide as a way of gaining control or hastening the end. When a suicide can be understood that way, survivors may feel relieved of much of their what-if guilt. “It doesn’t mean someone didn’t love their life,” says Holly Prigerson, Ph.D., associate professor of psychiatry at Harvard Medical School. Adds Dr. Prigerson, “The grieving process may be very different than after other suicides.”

A risk for survivors. People who’ve recently lost someone through suicide are at increased risk for thinking about, planning, or attempting suicide. After any loss of a loved one, it’s not unusual to wish you were dead; that doesn’t mean you’ll act on the wish. But if these feelings persist or grow more intense, confide in someone you trust, and seek help from a mental health professional.

These mistaken assumptions plague survivors of suicide loss for a very long time. Many struggle for years trying to make sense of their loved one’s death—and even longer making peace—if at all—with the unanswerable questions that linger.

Society still attaches a stigma to suicide. And as such, survivors of suicide loss may encounter blame, judgment or social exclusion – while mourners of loved ones who have died from terminal illness, accident, old age or other kinds of deaths usually receive sympathy and compassion. It’s strange how we would never blame a family member for a loved one’s cancer or Alzheimer’s, but society continues to cast a shadow on a loved one’s suicide.

What also makes grieving different is that when we lose a loved one to illness, old age or an accident, we retain happy memories. We can think back on our loved one and replay fond memories, share stories with joyful nostalgia. This is not so for the suicide survivor. They questions the memories, “Where they really good?” “Maybe he wasn’t really happy in this picture?” “Why didn’t I see her emotional pain when we were on vacation?” Sometimes it becomes agonizing to connect to a memory or to share stories from the past—so survivors often divorce themselves from their loved one’s legacy.

Survivors of suicide loss not only experience these aspects of complicated grief, they are also prone to developing symptoms of depression and post-traumatic stress disorder—a direct result from their loved one’s suicide. The unspeakable sadness about the suicide becomes a circle of never ending bewilderment, pain, flashbacks, and a need to numb the anguish.

Suicide Grief in Children and Adolescents

Children and Adolescents

Children grieve in what is called “grief spurts”, they rapidly cycle through their grief and it may be apparent for only minutes at a time. The child may feel for a moment and then quite happy a short time later. They tend to grieve physically with bursts of excess energy.

The child’s response to death is very much age dependent and individualized, previous loss can also play a role in a child’s understanding of what has occurred. Young children (5 and under) are concrete in their thought processes and will not likely understand the permanence of death until they become older.

Children will express their grief through behavior. Some will act out, some will withdraw, some will become anxious in their attachments fearing something else bad might happen. It is normal to see regression in children who are bereaved (i.e. tantrums in children who are well beyond the “terrible twos)

Children and Adolescents Bereaved as a Result of Suicide:

Trying to navigate the path of grief after a death by suicide is tremendously complex to say the least. It is like desperately trying to untangle a knotted ball of string that has woven in upon itself, as soon as one thread is pulled another tightens.

This path can be especially confusing and frightening for children and teens who do not yet have the intellectual ability, the coping skills, life experience to assist them in this process.

One of the most helpful things for a child or teen at this point is the presence of caring and compassionate adults who can listen and support without judgment. Adults who will allow them to grieve in the way that they want to, not how anyone else thinks they should. Teens will tell you there should be  “no shoulds”.

Research suggests that child and adolescent bereavement can be internalized as a traumatic event. A trauma response can be considered an even stronger  possibility if the child witnessed the suicide, found the body and/or was exposed to emergency personnel attending at the scene of the death. Until the death is ruled a suicide the police operate under the assumption that it might have been a homicide. This in and of itself is incredibly frightening for adults so one can easily understand how confusing and scary this might be when viewed through the eyes of a child or teen.

Suicide Grief in Children

One of the most difficult decisions that adults face is what to tell the children about a death that has occurred as a result of suicide. Discussing death with a child can be heart-wrenching in and of itself without the added layer of explaining suicide.

Finding an age appropriate response to the truth of the cause of death is the direction that most experts will advocate: there is no need to go into the details of the death but speaking in broad terms in child friendly language is important. There are two primary reasons why honesty, although difficult, is required.  Children thrive when they are raised in an environment where they can trust the adults they interact with. When children are not told the truth of the nature of the death it can have long lasting impacts. Most children are quite intuitive and will feel the disconnect between what they are told and what is really happening, this can further destabilize them at an already volatile time. If a child is not told of the suicide and finds out later they will “re-grieve”, they will cycle back through their grief experience and relive it all over again as they reshape their view of the deceased and those who did not tell them the truth.

What happens next?

Unfortunately many children who lose a loved one are teased and some seriously bullied. When the death is a result of suicide children too suffer under the stigma of the cause of death. Other parents may create a distance between their own children and the bereaved child. Teachers too, who are so important in a child’s life can have negative reactions’ In this respect the child can be further marginalized and left without community supports at a time when it is most crucial.  It is important to teach the bereaved child how to respond if bullying occurs.

Typically the child will work through their feelings about the death through play and art. It can be useful to provide them with a number of outlets to work through their grief. Children are often very physical in their grief so keeping them active can be beneficial. Many care providers might find this difficult as adults tend to see a decrease in their energy while children become more energetic. In these circumstances it is worth considering having a trusted adult or teen to take the role of “playmate”.

A child may express the desire to die as well. This can be very alarming for many adults. Often what the child means is that they want to see their loved one again, to be reunited but it doesn’t mean that they truly want to die. As mentioned, young children  don’t understand fully the permanence of death. Of course if the child acts in ways that indicate something further than a passing desire to reunite with their loved one, medical intervention should be sought.

The child will come to a period where they will attempt to re-organize their life in response to the family changes, again one might see this primarily in shifts in play. Control issues will often surface in response to their lack of control over the death. It is important to provide the child with as much control over their life as is reasonable for their age.

In our experience, in order to make sense of the death children will try to understand a causal factor. This search often leads them to some distorted thinking about their own role in the suicide. Such thoughts might manifest as: if I had been a “good” boy/girl Mommy would not have died, Daddy died because I didn’t want to go the movie with him etc. Many children, like adults, feel guilt over things they did or didn’t do and what they did or didn’t say.

As the child moves through the developmental levels they will come to understand the death differently and will cycle back and appear to grieve all over as the impact of the  loss hits them at deeper and broader levels.

The impact of bereavement of death due to suicide can hit on a multiplicity of levels. Academics can be affected, behaviours can change, psychosomatic issues can manifest, social engagement can shift. It is important to remember that child development, childhood bereavement and exposure to trauma all  come together in a very complex relationship where each impacts the other.

Suicide Grief in Adolescents

Along with many of the factors listed above, grief for teens has an added complexity as a result of their stage of development. Adolescents want to fit in with their peer group, this is how they further develop their sense of self. Yet, when death directly impacts their life they are instantaneously different than their peers.  When the death is of a peer (classmate or teammate) there is the added component of teens facing their own mortality at a time when, developmentally, they still feel invincible.

The majority of bereaved teens express a sense of isolation and loneliness that seems to be even more pervasive when the death was by suicide. The longer term impact of this experience appears to be a lack of trust of relationship, an overarching sense that they will be abandoned by whomever they connect with. Asteens move through adolescence they may develop grieving patterns similar to adults (i.e decreased energy). Often, teens will keep and wear an article of clothing of the deceased. This can cause adults some concern but it is normal.

Teens appear to be exposed to potentially more triggering environments than children. Films viewed or books read at school, activities in drama class and even the use of the term“suicides” as an exercise in gym class can be very difficult for these teens to deal with. Added to that they can feel even more isolated if they publicly react and more closed off if they say nothing.

Helping teens to find a voice to express their experience can be difficult. For teens especially the ability to be surrounded by others their age who have had a similar tragedy touch their life can be very beneficial to their healing process.

Understanding The Motivations Behind Suicide:

While no single reason can account for each suicidal act, there are common characteristics associated with completed suicides. Perhaps they can help you to understand why someone you love died by suicide.

1) The common purpose of suicide is a solution. Suicide is many things, but it is neither random nor pointless. To those who choose to end their own lives, suicide is an answer to an unsolvable problem or a way out of a horrible dilemma. Suicide is somehow the preferred choice to another set of dreaded circumstances, emotional pain, or disability, which the person fears more than death.

2) The common goal of suicide is to cease consciousness. Those who die by suicide want to end the conscious experience, which, for them, has become an endless stream of distressing, preoccupying thoughts. Suicide offers oblivion.

3) The common stressor in suicide is frustrated psychological needs. People who have high standards and expectations are extra vulnerable to suicide when progress toward goals is suddenly frustrated. People who attribute failure and disappointment to their own shortcomings may come to view themselves as worthless, unlovable, and incompetent. In adults, suicide is often related to work or interpersonal problems. In teenagers, suicide is often precipitated by family turmoil.

4) The common stimulus in suicide is intolerable psychological pain. Excruciating negative emotions (i.e. sadness, shame, guilt, anger, and fear) from any circumstance frequently serve as the foundation for suicide.

5) The common internal attitude in suicide is ambivalence. Most of those who contemplate suicide – including those successful in carrying out their suicidal plans -are ambivalent. They do want to die, yet they also wish they could find another solution to their dilemma.

6) The common emotion in suicide is hopelessness and/or helplessness. A pervasive pessimistic expectation about the future is even more important than other types of negative emotions (anger, depression) in predicting suicide. A suicidal person is convinced that nothing whatsoever can improve the situation; that no one else can help.

7) The common cognitive state in suicide is constriction. Suicidal thoughts and plans are like tunnel vision. The suicidal person is unable or unwilling to engage in any effective problem-solving behaviors and may see everything in all or nothing terms.

8 ) The common interpersonal act in suicide is communication of intent. There’s a harmful myth that those who really want to die by suicide do not talk about it. However, at least 80% of those who do end up killing themselves have spoken to others about their plans or have attempted suicide before.

9) The common action in suicide is escape. Suicide provides a way to escape from intolerable circumstances.

10) The common consistency in suicide is life-long coping patterns. During crisis periods that precipitate suicidal thoughts, people tend to use the response patterns they’ve used all of their life.

How To Cope With A Loved One’s Suicide:

If you are reading this because you are trying to cope with a loved one’s suicide, let me tell you that I am so very sorry for your loss. Here are some tips for learning to survive the suicide of a loved one:

One of the biggest challenges a suicide survivor faces is the struggle to answer, “why?” Here is a guide to understand the most common motivations behind a suicide.

Deal with the facts of the suicide – the “hows” and the “whys” of a suicide can help alleviate any doubts that the death was, indeed, a suicide.

Grief is as unique as the person who experiences it – your grief will be different than anyone else’s.

Don’t compare your grieving process to someone else’s. We all grieve differently.

It’s okay to grieve – grieving the loss of a loved one from suicide means that you loved, you really loved, this person.

It’s also okay to heal. Don’t let your healing process be overshadowed by guilt for “not grieving enough.”

You may experience physical complaints (insomnia, headaches, exhaustion) that are brought about by your emotions. Talk to your general doctor about these symptoms and see what can be alleviated.

Cry if you want to cry. Don’t be afraid to let it out. And if you don’t or can’t cry? That’s okay too. Everyone grieves differently.

You will struggle with the “why” of a suicide until you’ve gotten your answer, an answer that makes sense to you, or no longer need to know why.

You might feel crazy as you run the gamut of feelings – anger, guilt, confusion, forgetfulness, those are all very common reactions. You’re not going nuts – you’re grieving a very difficult loss.

It’s okay to feel overwhelmed by your feelings.

Find at least one person who gives you the permission to grieve and lean on them.

Remember that you can postpone grief, but you can’t outrun it. If you’re living with unresolved grief, it becomes harder and harder to cope with other every day stresses. Let your grief out. Although it may be tempting, don’t throw yourself into work or other projects as a means to avoid your grief. You must deal with your grief.

Now is the time to let others know that you need help. Chances are, many people are simply unsure of how to help you. Tell them what you need, even if it’s someone to make a run to the store for you or throw in a load of laundry.

Don’t be too proud to ask for help.

Don’t withdraw from the world. Keep in touch with other people – friends, family, spiritual leaders. Use them for support, comfort, and healing.

Surround yourself with people who will listen when you need to talk and those who simply offer a shoulder if you’d rather be silent.

Prepare yourself for anniversary reactions – holidays, birthdays, anniversaries and other significant dates will be very painful reminders for you and can amplify your sense of loss.

On those special days, don’t force yourself to do or be anything. Allow yourself to do whatever it is you feel like doing – if that’s dumping an old family tradition because it’s too painful? So be it.

There will be setbacks – some days, months, and years will be better and worse than others. That’s okay. Grief and grieving doesn’t follow a straight line.

Find a support group in the area for suicide survivors. There can be a lot of strength in knowing that others have experienced a suicide as well. In a support group for suicide survivors, you can share your story, learn other coping techniques, and lean on one another for support.

Commemorate your loved one in a tangible way. Plant a tree. Dedicate a bench. Plant a garden. Create a scrapbook of memories. Put together a shadow box for the wall. These are things that can help you to feel connected to your loved one.

Write it out. Take some time to write a post for The Band about the suicide.

Keep a private journal and make writing in it a priority. Writing is one of the most effective forms of therapy.

Don’t abuse alcohol or prescription drugs as a means to cope. In the end, it will only hurt you.

Don’t concentrate all your energy on comforting others reeling from the suicide – it may be your way of avoiding the grief.

Be prepared for others to say cruel and thoughtless things to you about the suicide – they may be lashing out in grief.

It may feel like it, but not everyone is blaming you for the suicide.

The old way of thinking was that suicide should be hushed up, never discussed; but it’s come to light that this is a bad way to handle a suicide. Talk about the suicide. Talk about your feelings.

Guilt. It sucks. Talk about your feelings of guilt with someone you love and trust.

The suicide is not your fault. You will probably feel that you could’ve done something more to prevent it, but that’s not the case. You cannot assume responsibility for the actions of another. PERIOD.

Forgive yourself – the suicide is not your fault. You couldn’t prevent it.

Try setting up a picture of your lost loved one and talk to it. It may help to articulate all of the things you’d wished you could say to the person.

Depression is very common in suicide survivors. If you find it to be prolonged or particularly hard to deal with, seek professional help. Learn more about depression here.

Know when you can no longer manage on your own – and seek professional help. Trained grief experts are available to help you learn to cope with the grief.

Let the anger out. There’s lots of anger surrounding a suicide and it has to go somewhere. Chop wood. Scream. Hit a punching bag. Punch a pillow.

Take your grief one day, one second, one moment at a time.

You didn’t have a choice or any control over the suicide, but you DO have the choice to live through the aftermath. Choose to live.

How To Help A Suicide Survivor Heal:

When a loved one loses someone from suicide, you want so badly to help, but it’s so hard to know what to do. Here are some tips for helping to comfort a suicide survivor.

Make a special effort to go to the funeral home. The shock, denial, and shame are overwhelming for the suicide survivors. They need all the support they can get.

Suicide survivors may be a bit more paranoid due to the guilt associated with a suicide. The guilt is only increased by noting that certain people did not attend the funeral of their loved one. If you cannot attend the funeral, make an effort to send flowers, a note, a text, an email, ANYTHING, to let them know you’re thinking of them.

You may not know what to say to a suicide survivor at the funeral – simply treat the death as you would any other death, “I’m so very sorry for your loss.”

Don’t be afraid to cry openly if you were close to the person who died. Often, your tears will help the suicide survivors see that they are not alone in their grief.

The grief following a suicide is extremely complex. Survivors of suicide don’t simply “get over” their loss. Instead, they can hope to reconcile themselves to face the reality.

Don’t be surprised or alarmed by the range and intensity of their feelings – grief can sneak up on a suicide survivor and overwhelm them with their intense feelings when least expected.

Survivors of suicide may struggle with extreme explosive emotions – guilt, shame, and fear – much more so than any other type of death.

Be patient with and understanding of the feelings of your loved one as he or she grieves the suicide.

Helping a suicide survivor means that you must break down the silence surrounding the death – it begins with being an active listener.

Being physically present and willing to listen without judgment is critical for your friend. Being able and willing to listen is the best way to allow your loved one to just talk.

The feelings and thoughts a suicide survivor may feel can be very scary and hard to acknowledge. Worry less about what you say and concentrate on the words your loved one shares.

Often, suicide survivors want to share the same story again and again. Listen attentively each time. This repetition is part of the suicide survivor’s healing process.

Remember: you don’t have to have the answer to help your loved one.

Allow suicide survivors to talk, but don’t push them.

Survivors of suicide need help to come to an understanding of the reason their loved one suicided – this is extremely important for those who survive a suicide.

Give your loved one permission to express his or her feelings about the suicide without fearing criticism.

Tears are a natural and appropriate reaction to the pain associated with a suicide – don’t be afraid of the tears.

Remember that not everyone who grieves will cry – everyone expresses their feelings differently.

Grief is not restricted to a certain time-table.

Respect the need for a suicide survivor and their family to grieve. The grief of family members of someone who has suicided may be kept a secret. If the suicide cannot be openly discussed, the grief may go unhealed.

You may be the only one willing to listen and talk to the suicide survivors – you are more important than you know.

Know that the grief of a suicide is unique and that no two people will react the same way.

Anniversaries and holidays may be especially hard for a suicide survivor – these dates emphasize the absence of someone who is no longer alive.

Pain is a part of the normal grieving process – you cannot (and shouldn’t try) to take it away from a suicide survivor.

Use the name of the person who has died when talking to suicide survivors – using his or her name can be comforting and reminds the grieving survivors that you haven’t forgotten this important person.

Support groups for survivors of suicide can be one of the best ways for suicide survivors to heal. In a support group, suicide survivors can connect with others who have experienced the same type of loss and share their stories. You can help by locating a support group for suicide survivors for your loved one.

Let your loved one teach you about their feelings of faith and spirituality. They may believe that those who die by suicide are doomed to hell. Rather than contradict them, just listen and learn, non-judgmentally.

Survivors of suicide struggle to know why their loved one suicided – if they ask you, “why?” simply say, “I don’t know – maybe I’ll never know.”

Be aware that the guilt for a suicide survivor is often so painful that it’s sometimes easier to deny that it happened – be patient and understanding of this. Denial can give the suicide survivor a breather before the reality sinks back in.

Suicide survivors have the right to be extra sensitive – often others will deliberately avoid the survivor, pretend not to know the person, or ignore any type of contact made. This compounds the guilt the suicide survivor already feels.

People will often make cruel, vicious remarks to a suicide survivor – this hurts the survivor intensely. Don’t repeat the remarks and do what you can to go to the source to let them know that their words hurt the suicide survivor.

How Not To Help A Suicide Survivor:

Cliches and other trite comments are often more wounding than saying nothing at all. Cliches often diminish the loss by giving simple solutions to very hard realities. Avoid them.

“You’re holding up so well.”

“Time heals all wounds.”

“You’ll get over it in time.”

“Think of what you have to be thankful for.”

“You have to be strong for your children (or others).”

“Well, he (or she) was crazy.”

“I know just how you feel.”

“Snap out of it.”

“Stop wallowing.”

Avoid passing judgment or providing simple reasons for the suicide.

Don’t allude to the mental state of the person who suicided – you don’t know if this person was “crazy” or “mentally ill,” and it further complicates the feeling of the suicide survivor.

The grief of a suicide survivor is unique – don’t criticize what you think of as “inappropriate” behavior.

Learn more about grief and grieving here.

Don’t try to comfort the suicide survivor by saying, “it was a terrible accident.” The suicide survivor must deal with the fact that their loss was due to a suicide.

Don’t compare your grief about other deaths to your loved one – the grief of a suicide is very different than most other types of deaths.

Don’t tell stories to suicide survivors about your friend or someone else you know who tried to commit suicide, which means you totally understand how they feel. Whomever you knew who attempted suicide lived, theirs did not.

Don’t go over the signs of suicide with a suicide survivor, as the suicide has already taken place. Saying things like, “there must have been some signs of depression,” only compounds the suicide survivor’s guilt.

Page last audited 10/2018