Tonight, I was sitting in my room, sick with the flu watching the season premiere of Grey’s Anatomy with my husband. I love this show. I was so excited to watch it.

What I forgot, of course, was the way last season ended.  I hate that I have to brace myself for these things, that I have to avoid this – but tonight I was unexpectedly punched in the stomach.  I was blind-sided by seeing a woman lying in a hospital bed with her legs up in stirrups on television about to get a D&C.

I lost it.

I cried.

My husband held me without me having to say a word.

He knew.

I hate that I know I am going to have nightmares again tonight. I get them often and tonight I know they will come.




I hate that something as silly as a television show triggers them.

I have not healed from these 10 miscarriages. I don’t know if I ever will fully. I am tired of the pain but I know I have to feel it.

I just wish it wasn’t so hard.