Child sexual abuse is reported 90,000 times a year – the number of unreported cases is much higher as most children are afraid to come forward.
This is her experience.
This post contains information of a graphic nature. Please do not continue reading unless you understand that specific and detailed information about Child Sexual Abuse is contained below.
That said, please support this brave woman as she shares her story.
This is not easy to write, nor is it easy to read. Think about toddlers.
When I think of toddlers, I think of gooey kisses, messes, and learning. When I was a toddler, apparently my father didn’t think of those things.
You see, he was a pervert. He looked at my 18-month old self and saw a sex object. I’d always known that someone had violated me. I saw it happen in the very worst of my nightmares. These nightmares haunted the beginnings of my memory. I could never see the faces, only what was happening. And me.
There was always a wrongness to our relationship, but I could never figure it out. He died in 2001. Good riddance.
In 2005, when my mother had been diagnosed with dementia, she would say things that were inappropriate, to people that didn’t need to hear them, at totally inappropriate times.
One day, while I was taking a friend across town, another friend showed up at my apartment. Unable to live independently, my mother lived with me, and she entertained my friend until I got home. In that 15 minutes, she had nonchalantly told this friend that she “always knew that he molested [me]. [She] caught him fingering [me] when he was changing [my] diaper.” Really, Mom?
Who knew what she had muttered to my friend would send me into shock? It was awful. I knew from my baby book that I had potty trained myself at 20-months old. What the fuck? It all fit together at that point. It explained the promiscuous behavior I displayed in my 20’s. The nightmares became more intense and more clear. I could see him.
He was such an asshole. How do you look at your own child like that? Or any child for that matter.
I have put many of the nightmares together, and remember things that I wish I didn’t. I remember that when I was 8, he lived communally with 3 other guys from Alcoholics Anonymous. They were like him. Perverts. And he passed me around. After my parent’s divorce, I would go visit him in Florida for all of summer vacation. And went through hell.
AND MY MOTHER KNEW!
I was appalled. I still am. Not only did my mom know that he was molesting me as a toddler, but she also stayed with him until he left our family when I was 5. And she continued to let me go visit. She didn’t protect me. She didn’t tell him to keep his fucking hands off her daughter. She failed me. She actually did quite the opposite. Until her death, I believe that she blamed me for the breakup of their marriage. Because he couldn’t keep his hands off me. And apparently at the tender age of 2, I was seducing him.
It screwed me up. Oh, but I’ve had a hell of a lot of sex. Because when that’s all you’re good for, you practice A LOT, and you get really good at it. I don’t trust men. I don’t love men. I have never been in love. I don’t know what it feels like to be loved because I won’t allow myself to be loved. I have never, and most likely will never, associate any kind of sexual act with love. Yet I don’t feel as though I’m missing out on anything.
It was always good for them but not for me. I will often flash back in the midst of sex, can only count on one hand the number of times I’ve had sex sober, and afterwards would often finish by curling into the fetal position. Because I was violated, not because I was tired.
Teach your children YOUNG about good touch/bad touch PLEASE. You never can trust someone 100%.
Or at least I can’t.
Thank you for so bravely sharing your story. I’m sorry you weren’t protected the way you deserved to be.
You are a brave woman. Shame on him, shame on your mom. NO SHAME ON YOU. NONE. As a mom I want to hug you and apologize that you didn’t get the mommy you deserved, let alone the dad. Just unfathomable. I think I read these stories so I don’t forget to watch out for my kids & also because I’m hoping that one of them will be my trigger. I get what you mean about the fetal position; sometimes I can hear a little girl inside of me screaming at the top of her lungs, but I have no memories at all. I just can’t imagine any other reason why she is there. Besides being brave, thank you for sharing your story to help others heal.
You are an amazing person. You are brave for being able to share this story with us.
Sweetheart, you are so very brave. You are not alone. I hear you. I hear you. I hear you. When I was 15, I told my mother about what my older brother had been doing. She shrugged and said I was just looking for attention. In my 30s, I confronted her again in her therapist’s office. Again, she shrugged and said, “She was always a brat.” You CAN love again. There is so much healing that can happen. I am living proof. My life is far from perfect, but I am whole. One great book is “The Courage to Heal.” Work on it with a good therapist trained in CSA. Much Love, Melody
Aunt Becky says…
This post makes me so.fucking.mad. I hate that someone who was supposed to take care of you didn’t. It makes me want to stab things.
Oh my dear. I too share your pain. But please know you are not alone. And together we will heal and move forward. We will learn to love, and learn to be loved. Because we are better than the people who hurt us. And we will thrive in spite of our pasts. Big hugs to you for sharing your story. We are here for you.
I am so sorry you had to live through that. I am so sorry you had a father that was so SICK and a mother that turned a blind eye. You, nor ANY child deserves such abuse. I do not believe in Hell but hope they are both there in their own special version of it. Reaching out to us such a great first move… Hoping you seek out therapy and the understanding that what happened to you was tragic and in no way your fault. You do not deserve to spend the rest of your life being punished by their sick and selfish behaviors. Hugs to you…
You are so brave for writing this. And you are absolutely right, it’s a message that needs to be taught.
You don’t ever have to forgive them. Lots of people will tell you that you need to forgive and let go. The only person you have to forgive is yourself. It’s been very hard for me to learn to forgive myself. I have a similar story. It can get better. I am in a good marriage. I found a very good partner who is willing to work with me on my various difficulties around recovery. I am no longer promiscuous. Marriage didn’t stop my promiscuity, after a while I decided it wasn’t good for me. Even though that was one of the things my husband liked about me. You don’t have to do things that make you feel tied to that experience. Forgiving yourself will be the hardest thing you ever do. It’s worth it. I do a lot of reading in The Courage to Heal. It’s helpful for me. Good luck. You aren’t alone. The journey back from incest is hard and lonely. But even though you feel lonely, you aren’t alone.
Both of your parents are horrible people. I am so sorry for the little girl you never got to be. You are so brave and so strong to share this story with us.
I know how you feel. Mine was nowhere like yours, but it doesn’t matter. They were supposed to take care of you. I understand the wild and crazy too, because thats what I did. I went looking for love with my legs wide open and my heart sealed shut. I want to tell you today that i know how hard it was to share this, because it was hard for me too. It’s hard every time I share a piece of my story, but its healing. I’m gaining freedom with every keystroke, and discovering that not only are people embracing me, but my words are touching others just like us, dealing with their own secrets, just like us. I have found peace in knowing I am not alone. The anger is still there, and I suspect that it will be a long time fading, but I want you to know I love you and I’ve got your back. You are not alone. We’ll get through this. XOXOXO
I hate that this is your past, more than I can tell you. No child should ever have to go through what you’ve gone through. You are so strong and brave to tell your story, and you’re helping others by telling it. xoxo