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My Person

Recently, someone came back into my life.

This person was my whole entire world for three years. This was My Person, the love of my life.

They loved me.

Completely.

All my flaws.

My Person made me feel whole.

my person

My Person calmed the negativity I had in my life.

My Person held me when I needed to cry. They listened when I needed to yell. This person sat behind me and picked head lice out of my hair for 8 hours when I cried because no one else in my life would help me. My Person was so beyond good for me.

Then, slowly I started letting the negative creep back in, I let the people that were supposed to care talk me into believing them instead of this amazing person I had in my life.   

You see, I always knew I was a failure. 

I always knew I would never amount to anything.

My Person believed in me and my worth and well… I really don’t know.

I have no excuses except I was young and dumb and influenced easily by people that should have been supporting me.  I longed for THEIR approval and love and if I didn’t have that, why should I deserve anything else.

I left this amazing person with a heavy heart but headed in a direction I was being basically shoved into for many years.

I married, had kids, was verbally and emotionally abused before I finally left.

Even after I left I tried to make it work. I mean, no one else would ever want me.

During this time I searched out My Person.

They’d moved far away to another land.

They seemed happy and from what I could see from my computer screen didn’t want me anymore.

I did reach out, I called, I emailed, I basically stalked this person.

But they had moved on. I was just a memory to them; that was okay. After all, I didn’t deserve them.

Fast forward a few more years.

I still watched My Person from afar. I was friends with their family but still had not contact with My Person.

That was okay. I was happy knowing they were happy.

I met someone, dated for a few years, got married again. And I am finally HAPPY!  Well, at least most of the time. My old negative thoughts are all still there but I’m mildly successful at pushing them down.

A couple weeks ago, My Person showed up in my life again like a whirlwind.

They have never been far from my thoughts; I still watched.

But here they were in my inbox and we’ve been talking and it’s like the last twenty years disappeared and I am right back where I was, where we were; My Person and I.

And I am so so so in love. I always was.

And I’m torn: how can I love two people this much?  What do I do?

I need this person in my life, they are a part of me has been missing for so long.

It’s like I got my right hand back.  I need them to know I love them. Because I do…

…but we can’t be together.

I love where I am now, I love the person I’ve married. I love my home and my job. Right now? There’s half a century and twenty years between us, but I still need them in my life.

I find my mind wandering a lot lately.

The what if’s. 

I find myself wanting to wake up in one of those stupid romcoms where everything is different but it just seems right and you don’t want to wake up.

I want to find a damn DeLorean and make different choices.

My Person

Recently someone came back into my life.  This person was my whole entire world for about three years.  They loved me.  Completely.  All my flaws.

This person made me feel whole. This person calmed every single negativity I had going in my life.

This person held me when I needed to cry. They listened when I needed to yell.

This person sat behind me and picked head lice out of my hair for eight hours when I cried because no one else in my life would help me.

This person was so beyond good for me.  Then I started letting the negative creep back in, I let the people who were supposed to care talk me into believing them instead of this amazing person I had in my life.   You see, I always knew I was a failure.  I always knew I would never amount to anything.  This person believed in me and my worth and well… I really don’t know. I have no excuses except I was young and dumb, and influenced easily by people who should have been supporting me, but weren’t.  I longed for THEIR approval and love, and if I didn’t have that, why should I deserve anything else?  I left this amazing person with a heavy heart but headed in a direction I was being basically shoved into for many years.

I married, had kids, was verbally and emotionally abused before I finally left.  Even after I left I tried to make it work. After all, no one else would want me.  During this time I searched out my person from before.  They were far away in another land.  They seemed happy and from what I could see across a computer screen, didn’t want me anymore.  I did reach out, I called, I emailed, I basically stalked this person.  But they had moved on.  I was just a memory to them.  And that was okay. After all, I didn’t deserve them.

Fast forward a few more years.  I still watched my person from afar.  I was friends with their family but still had not contact with my person. That was okay. I was happy knowing they were happy.  I met someone, dated for a few years, got married again. And I am finally HAPPY!  At least most of the time.  My old thoughts are all still there but I try and push them away, and am mildly successful.

A couple weeks ago, my person showed up in my life again.  Like a whirlwind.  They have never been far from my thoughts. I still watched.  But here they were in my inbox!  We have been talking and it’s like the last 20 years disappeared.  And I am right back where I was, where we were. My person and I.  And I am so much in love.  I always was.

And I am torn.  How can I love two people this much?  What do I do?  I need this person in my life, it’s like a part of me has been missing for so long.  Literally, it feels like I got my right hand back.  I need them to know I love them. Because I do. But we can’t be together.  I love where I am in my life.  I love the person I have chosen to share my life with. I love my home and my job. There is a half a country between us, and 20 years and a life.

But I still need them in my life.

I find my mind wandering a lot lately. The what ifs.  I find myself wanting to wake up in one of those stupid romcoms where everything is different, but it just seems right. I want to find a damn Delorean.  I want to go back and not be a stupid kid.