by Band Back Together | Jul 8, 2013 | Adult Children of Addicts, Adult Children of Mentally Ill Parents, Alcohol Addiction, Compulsive Eating Disorders, Guilt, Sadness, Shame |
Addiction is a beast that spins yarns of lies that we often believe.
These are the struggles an addict faces:
Encased in a swishing bell jar of beer, my brain screams at me. Hungover. Again.
I am a professional. It would astonish my co-workers to know that I am holding back vomit while they talk to me, that I was awake mere hours ago, drinking, drinking, drinking.
My body is almost used to this dull feeling of the next day. I used to take a day off when I felt this shitty, but now it’s more often than not, so I am accustomed to this silver fish headache razoring my head.
Addiction is the root of my family tree, and I tell myself, I am no where near as bad as most everyone else in my family. I justify the excess even though I know this is not healthy.
Healthy should be my goal… But, I poison myself.
When it’s not alcohol, it’s food. Consumption is key for me, it seems.
My beautiful friend has been working on her dissertation for years. She explained to me once that her inner voice tells her only smart people deserve a Ph.D., so she doesn’t deserve this distinction. She is brilliant, but her mind lies to her.
I feel like I don’t deserve to be healthy. To be sober. To be thin.
If I wanted those things, wouldn’t I just achieve them? I have always achieved everything I have set my sights on.
Instead, it seems, I’m content to wallow in the murky bottle, to deny myself nutrients and instead eat processed garbage.
I have worked so hard on so many areas of my life that I feel like I just need a break. My breaks include booze and fried food. Why?
Comfort food makes me feel very uncomfortable. And yet, I choose to eat this way every day.
I want to be my best self, and yet, maybe this is it.
Maybe this is who I always will be.
by Band Back Together | Nov 30, 2010 | Anorexia Nervosa, Body Dysmorphic Disorder, Bulimia Nervosa, Eating Disorders, How To Help With Low Self-Esteem, Self Loathing, Self-Esteem, Shame |
Dear Shrink That I Don’t Have:
I’ve been spending a lot of time on the interwebs lately. I don’t know if that’s a good thing. I’ve been learning a lot about Body Dysmorphic Disorder and Anorexia. Mostly via YouTube videos. Do you know how many people suffer from those? Seemingly quite a few. But I don’t.
I mean, in seventh grade I began eating as little as possible to get by. I was already active, so I didn’t exercise as obsessively as some do. I kept this up until I moved in with my dad at 16. Even then it was only a little better.
My mom came to visit once and said I was filling out and looked nice. All I heard was ‘filling out.’
That was a setback.
I dated an asshole, the things he did to make me hate myself are too many for this letter. Another setback.
Then, slowly, I started being able to eat more than salad in front of others. I met my current boyfriend and my eating habit progressed further.
Except now I’m 135 lbs. Do you know what 135lbs is? It’s AVERAGE for a woman of 5’6”. For some reason my brain keeps changing ‘Average,’ in my head into ‘Fucking Fat Cow.’
People tell me I’m beautiful, but I can’t hear them, because I’m too busy seeing all the things I hate about myself. I’m 22, are 22 year old supposed to have cellulite there? I’m pretty sure that’s cellulite. Why is my skin shitty? Oh because I eat sugar. God, my face is too round, why is it so round? Remember when you used to have ABS there? You shouldn’t ever have a child… you’re going to balloon up and it’s going to be hideous. Plus, what child would want to be raised by someone like you? Why can’t you just STOP EATING ALREADY?
The thing is that I’m slip-slip sliding back to a place that I used to be. A place my boyfriend doesn’t even know exists. It’s a deep, dark, scary place.
But you see, dear shrink, I don’t have a problem. Because the doctor I went to for my many health problems between the ages of 12 and 16 told me I needed to make time to eat, but never saw that maybe my not eating was a deeper problem. (Seriously, woman… since when is a middle-schooler or even early high-schooler TOO BUSY TO EAT, ARE YOU DENSE?)
Both of the therapists I went to when I was 19, told me that I was of sound mind, despite the fact that my boyfriend talked me into going because he didn’t know how to deal with my depression. I didn’t have any problems…maybe I should try some breathing exercises. (Gee, thanks…because my much cheaper yoga class couldn’t have taught me that.)
Is there something about me that causes those in the medical field to disregard me as healthy in every way? I don’t feel healthy in every way. The fact that I feel like I have problem should indicate a problem even if no real problem exists. But no, they always send me on my way with dismissive looks and half-hearted advice.
So I don’t get “help,” I let my friends and family think I’m just crazy and I bury the worst of it. I deal with the accusations of being irrational. I deal with people getting mad at me because I’m ‘not happy with my body’ and I wait for the upswing. I watch videos on YouTube by people with Anorexia and with BDD and secretly I’m a little jealous. They’re DIAGNOSED, they have problems. They’re not just that whiny chick who isn’t smart enough to be happy with herself.
Because as far as the world knows, I have no problems…I’m just irrational.
So thanks, Shrink That I Don’t Have… I’m so glad that we’re on the same page here.
-C
P.S. Too bad I can’t afford to visit you either. I’m bummed that I’m missing out on our quality time together.
by Band Back Together | Oct 21, 2010 | Eating Disorders, Guilt, Health, How To Help With Low Self-Esteem, Self Loathing, Self-Esteem, Shame |
Disclaimer: This is written from a really dark place. If body image issues or food relationship hangups could trigger you, please don’t continue. This post sounds dire and desperate and awful, and I suppose it is… but despite the darkness, I am actually quite happy with my life overall. It’s just this one head space that I can’t get right.
I haven’t been blogging… and this morning I finally realized why. I was reading Mish’s post (I am guilty if I eat) and here was my comment:
Thank you, thank you, THANK YOU!!! I could have written exactly this today. I have been really struggling lately because I have lost 40 pounds, but with the stress of grad school, working from home, a toddler, a marriage and my health journey… I’m slipping. I gained three pounds in two weeks, and so far this week isn’t looking good either. I’m eating terrible for me things on purpose, in crazy amounts, allowing myself to consciously and purposefully choose the worst options even when they aren’t what I really want. I don’t know how to stop it… I am terrified that I’ve done it again, had some success only to turn around and sabotage it all and end up so heavy, unhealthy and miserable again.
While I typed out that comment, I realized… I’m not blogging because I have nothing good to say.
I’m overwhelmed. Maybe even depressed.
I’m putting myself last because something has to give and I don’t know what else can, but me. I know how important it is to take care of myself, but when the other categories are my marriage, my daughter and my graduate classes, I’m the only thing that I can let go of without destroying some bigger dream.
(Well, without destroying some bigger dream for all of us.)
Health is my bigger dream… but now I’m terrified that I just can’t get there. I’m purposefully making terrible food choices. And the worst part is that it’s not really about the food, but that I am choosing the worst options strictly because they’re bad. I’m not exercising. I feel unmotivated, uninspired, and unhappy.
All of my old thoughts about my body have returned, and all I seeing the mirror is a fat, unattractive woman and it makes me wonder why I bother. If this is me anyway, why bother?
I’m sneak-eating again. I’m buying food when I’m out and eating it in the car. Then I stop somewhere to throw out the “evidence” so that no one knows. Some of my smaller pants are already getting too tight again.
I know how this works. I’ve been here before. I know all of the arguments. I know how much better I look and feel now. I know how hard it was to lose 40 pounds and how much I don’t want to gain it back. I know how proud I am of the work I’ve done, and I know exactly what I need to do to keep it going… so why am I not doing it? Why do I continue to make poor choices?
How do I choose myself when it means taking something away from my daughter, my marriage, or from the job that brings in a tiny but absolutely necessary amount of money each month? How do I choose myself when I’m taking away from the graduate work that will mean a better life for myself and my family someday soon?
I know I’d have more to give, in some ways, if I made time to take care of myself… but how do you do it? When you’re standing there, making the decision between cuddle time with your daughter and getting up to exercise, or between making a healthy dinner and caving to take-out pizza so that you can finish your homework without staying up until midnight…
How do I choose me?
