When I was 18, I miscarried twins.  It still hurts.  It hurts even more that my husband doesn’t seem to understand.  They were his babies too.  I don’t know if he cares and just doesn’t show it or if there’s something wrong with me that I just can’t let it go. Should I still cry at baby product advertisements and while writing these posts?

I wish I knew.

We’ve been married for almost four years now.  We decided early this year, around my husband’s birthday, that after Christmas 2010 we’d start trying for a baby.  We had a house, we were both settled in our jobs and had a stable income, and the time felt ‘right’.  I’ve wanted a baby so badly since the miscarriages that it hurts.

So a few weeks ago, I made an appointment with my doctor (who seems to be perpetually on vacation) for next week, to discuss removing my IUD, going on the pill and to find out if I need to find alternatives for any of my current medication.

Last week I lost my job.  Cutbacks.  Laying off those of us making barely minimum wage while they give the executives five-figure bonuses and hire six-figure middle-managers.  I work – worked – in payroll, I see the numbers.

No job means barely enough money to pay the bills.

No job means no baby.

It feels like my husband doesn’t care.

It feels like my heart is breaking all over again.