Once upon a time I could forgive anyone of anything.

Hell, I forgave my first husband when he tried to kill our then five month old (after he’d completed his jail time, and I’d received counseling).

My best friend had sex with my boyfriend? Everyone makes mistakes right?

My sister drained my bank account. Well, these things happen.

But I don’t want to have to forgive you.

I lived through two years of our relationship and all of the bad things that it caused me.

You left me countless times. I begged you to stay. You finally came home and asked me to marry you. I said yes.  If I’d known about her then, I would have run over your foot in the driveway as I left.

We got married. I didn’t tell anyone, because no one but me seemed to understand that you HAD changed. No one supported this relationship. My own mother didn’t even find out until a few months later.

Eleven days after we got married, you went back across the country to her. You said things were too hard here. What you meant was that I wanted you to work because it wasn’t fair that I had two jobs. She could support you (or rather her daddy could). You could drink and smoke pot all night with her. I expect you to be clean and sober. Yeah, I guess I could see how that would be hard for you.

While you were gone, I lost the house. My mom took the kids back to her house because I couldn’t work 70 + hours a week and still remember how to make lunches in the morning. I cried every minute of every day, and organized a way to kill myself.

Then you called me and said that you missed me and wanted to come home. So I dropped the $350 to fly you back from Seattle. We decided to make a go of it and told the kids that you were home and everything was fine.

And everything was fine. I’d started opening my heart again, believing that you were honest with me and that you loved me and things would work out.

Until she e-mailed me… She’s pregnant. It’s yours. Your first biological child is due on my birthday. How sweet. You told me that you used protection with her. You said it was safe, that she was on the pill.  You SWORE to me that she was out of our lives FOREVER. And now I find out that I have to deal with her and her spawn for the rest of my life?

You say I’m supposed to be the bigger person? How do I explain to my kids that their “dad” has a kid from another woman. Who will be born the month before our first wedding anniversary? How do I tell my son that it’s NOT okay for a man to treat a woman this way? How do I show my daughters that this is NOT what a good relationship is?

Oh that’s right… By being the bigger person and forgiving you.

Silly me, how could I forget?