I picked up the key – my key – to the apartment my son and I would soon call home.
I tried to figure out just what I could take. If I took too much – or the wrong things – I feared the price we’d pay.
I made the reservation for a U-Haul, knowing that I didn’t have the money to pay for it, but that it was the only option.
I learned that my son had been suspended from school, on moving day – inappropriate language. I was hoping to protect him from the process of moving but now he would have to help.
I had $74.87 in my checking account that had to cover the U-Haul, gas, food, laundry and basic needs for the two of us for six days.
I was terrified.
I grieved the life I thought we’d have. The family I so desperately wanted.
I was convinced that he would see his abuse was the problem. That he’d seek help. That he would change. That we would be the family I knew we could be.
364 days ago …
The emotional damage I allowed him to inflict on my son became vividly clear within days of the move.The realization of just how damaged I had become would materialize much later.
It hasn’t been easy. Not a single day. I’ve tried to make the impact on my son minimal, but he has often had to do without.
I’ve had to apply for financial assistance to help offset the cost for him to attend church camp and youth fall retreat, sharing very personal information with complete strangers so that they could judge if we were worthy of their money.
I’ve had to file for bankruptcy, facing the public embarrassment of admitting I could not meet my financial obligations.
I’ve had to get food from a food bank, more than once – waiting in line for hours with those people – hoping I wouldn’t see anyone I knew, but never being quite that lucky. Feeling waves of humiliation and shame each time and never telling my son.
Many days I’ve felt like a charity case – a project for someone – not quite human.
Although we remain married, I suspect he will eventually find someone else who is prettier – smarter – more concerned with the image and the things so important to him. When that day comes, I’ll be faced with the reality I’ve been avoiding – even denying. The reality that confirms I wasn’t enough for him, and will never be enough for anyone – just like he told me years ago.
364 days ago …
It was the right thing to do. It was the only thing to do. But I’m ashamed to admit I didn’t do it for myself. If it weren’t for my son I’d have never left. I still believe that I don’t deserve any better. That settling is my only option to combat a life of loneliness. But my son? My son? He deserves better.
I wish I could have done it for me.
This is brilliant and heartbreaking. Thank you. I’m sure that many people reading will find strength in your words and your strength.
By loving your son, who is part of you, so much, you are doing it for you too.
And I wish with all my heart you knew how wrong he is about you. You are brave and amazing.
Good for you, no matter why you did it. Tomorrow is my birthday so I’ll celebrate a little harder for you.
I was there, in a similar position about 7 years ago. The first year or two was hard. The hardest years of my life. But I promise you it WILL get better. You will get through it. And even if you didn’t leave for you – you did the best thing for yourself and your son. *HUGS*
Sweetie no one deserves to be made to feel the way he obviously made you feel. He is the one who’s not worth it. Not worth the tears, the heartache, or the pain. You did the right thing for you and your son. Just keep doing what your doing taking it a day at a time, don’t be ashamed to ask for help everyone needs a hand now and then your clearly a good mother just trying to do whats right. Big hugs to you.
Sometimes the hardest part is recognizing there *is* a problem. In my own marriage, I let him convince me that I was absolutely bug-shit, and that he was the only thing keeping me from flying off the face of the planet. Abuse comes in many forms, some much more subtle than others. The important thing here is that you *did* leave, and can now heal. Both you and Cam. Love you, lady.
eah, I agree with Becky. You were made to feel that you are not good enough by him. The problem is that he will never believe that he is good enough either, deep down where he won’t admit it, even to himself. So he took those feelings and put them on you, wash them off and let them go. You are brave, intelligent, resourceful and strong. Remember that, and you are always good enough, always.
It was the right thing to do. It was the only thing to do.”
Exactly
I so understand your last sentence. I don’t have any children to give me a reason. It’s just me, so it should be easier. I stay out of fear… mostly fear of failure, fear of being alone. When in reality I am alone all the time anyway. And it’s really true, sometimes that is the worst lonliness being alone with someone. My situation is much different…. yet I share the same understanding of leaving and how scary it is. Thanks for putting it all out here….
would like to think that I wouldn’t have stayed forever had my son not been being abused as well, but I don’t *know* that.
Fear kept me in that relationship and kept beating me down. I still have fear, but I’m no longer afraid to go home at night – afraid to go to sleep – afraid of what will set him off the next time.
I hope you find the strength to use you fear to move forward. You can do it!
I am always astounded by the people who say, “Just leave” It’s kind of like giving a person struggling with their weight the “Just stop eating so much” advise. It isn’t easy, but that doesn’t mean it’s not easy.
just looked back at my blog post from the day we moved. He said, “Good luck” as he walked out the door to work. No hug. No kiss. Just “Good luck.”
Abuse is an odd creature.
would like to think that I wouldn’t have stayed forever had my son not been being abused as well, but I don’t *know* that.
Fear kept me in that relationship and kept beating me down. I still have fear, but I’m no longer afraid to go home at night – afraid to go to sleep – afraid of what will set him off the next time.
I hope you find the strength to use you fear to move forward. You can do it!
Bless you for being strong for your son. I wish you both all the best for the future.